I'm baAaAack!
I've decided to punch depression in the face and smile more! And writing for you all makes me happy, so I'm going to keep doing just that! I'm also going to try and make the chapters longer - especially this one as a 'sorry' for taking so long :3 I ask for your forgiveness.
I'm also thrilled to say, with all my writing workshop classes and advanced placement literature class, I feel my writing is improving - HURRAY! Constructive criticism is still more than welcome, so fill that review box to the top! XD
Oh, and a huge thanks to my new buddy BookxWorm080, whom I dedicate this chapter to and has gotten enough 'thank yous' from me that she is probably sick of them ;)
I hope you all enjoy, PLEASE review, it would be absolutely brilliant to get feedback!
I'll see you all later! Bye! *Waves goodbye as I ride away on a unicorn*
All of us are sitting together in the living room. Gwen next to Arthur, Merlin next to me, the men - Percival, Elyan, Leon, and Gwaine - are scattered about. Some of them sitting on the sofa, the others rested upon the floor, their backs up against the cold wall. None of us speak. Probably because of the fear that if words were to escape any of are mouths, we won't be able to stop the tears from falling as well.
Last night, at eleven o'clock, the stars twinkling in the sky, Gwaine, Percival, and Elyan prepared a boat. I listened as everyone said wonderful things about the fallen man, how he was their brother, or a wonderful friend. Merlin broke down before the boat was pushed away into the water. I tried to comfort him as he sobbed. He only continued to sob and murmur that Lancelot had only just returned, and now he was gone. I also heard Arthur mutter something terrible about Morgana, cursing her for her cruel ways. Gwen held tighter onto her husband, and I could only sit quietly, watching, knowing it is I who caused this suffering. A few tears, which I wiped away with haste, finally shed as I watched the wooden boat float away across the lake of Avalon. When Lancelot sat out in the middle of its waters, I saw Merlin's chin quiver, his hands shaking for what seemed like eternity. He had so much pain… The warlock then raised his arm slowly and let his eyes turn molten gold, shining bright against the dark of night, and a fire was lit. None of us stayed to see the yellow and orange flames consume everything, to finish eating away at the deceased friend. We were all too devastated to watch, I suppose. Even I had to turn away, and I was the one that caused the funeral in the first place.
There are all these emotions - these feelings - that don't seem as if they should belong to me. This regret and sorrow sitting in the pit of my stomach, surely should not reside there. I killed Lancelot, because if I didn't, they would have killed me. I did what was right. Right?
Then, when I sleep, I have these dreams... They're vivid and complex, leaving me to ponder them when morning comes. Some of them are extraordinary, happy, filled with a sense of comfort that in my waking hours is lost to me. However, some of them I wish, beg even, that I could just forget. They're the dreams where I'm holding a sharp blade against my wrist or tying a noose around my neck... The dreams, in which, the sadness I feel is so intense that I wake up with tears falling down my reddened cheeks. Dreams that, for whatever reason, have Merlin in them, standing next to me and feeling the same grief as I.
Only, in the few in which the warlock isn't in pain as well, Merlin makes me feel safe. He stands there, and against all the darkness that I'm facing in the nightmare, he's a shining light. With his kind and goofy smile, he is never not standing beside me. Through all the bad moments, and through all the evil that can be life, he is always there. Even if he's only seen for a short moment, never to be in my vision again until I awaken... I just, don't understand it. Morgana is my friend and the one I trust, the one who truly cares about me. So why, I ask, it is always Merlin who brings me comfort in my dreams?
Why, in fact, do I have these dreams to begin with? These dream and nightmares that show all these people: Gwaine, Gwen, and Arthur! Percival, Elyan, and Leon too! I see them all, more often than not, taking caring of me, and me caring for them. Then, most nights, I find that they're more like memories rather than dreams and that confuses me even more. These people seem so nice, so kind and gentle, and are constantly looking like a family. Only, it isn't right. They cast away Morgana, betraying her, and hurting her. They would do the same to me if they discovered I was still friends with her... Wouldn't they?
"Luna?"
They'll hurt me too, and cast me away!
"Luna?"
Of course they will! They're all lying fools... I don't even know why I doubted Morgana! Why - why I'm still doubting Morgana...
"Luna?!"
She's my friend and the only one I can trust. She saved me. She saved me, I know she did... So why do I feel this way?
"Luna!"
I blink and lift my head to find myself looking into the concerned eyes of Merlin. The warlock has my face cupped in between his skinny hands.
"Luna... Are you alright?" The raven haired man asks me.
Gwen stands behind him, her hand within Arthur's, both of them looking at me worriedly. Percival and Leon are giving me odd glares from their spots on the floor. Gwaine and Elyan are merely staring at me quietly, awaiting my response.
"I-I'm fine." I respond. Then I pull Merlin's hands off my cheeks and quickly stand up. I shake my head, trying to clear the cloud that has formed inside of it.
"I... I actually feel amazing!" I chuckle, not missing how insane I sound, "I feel like - like nothing can stop me! Not her, not you! I'm my own person! Yeah, that's it... I'm my own person!"
I run my hands down my face, my eyes wide. I killed Lancelot... I killed him and I didn't care. I didn't give a second thought to it at the time, but I killed him! I took his life when all he was doing was trying to help me!
I walk into the kitchen and ignore the looks they are shooting my way. I shakily reach for a glass cup, puling it from one of the many cupboards, before filling it with water. I swallow it so fast someone might have thought I hadn't had anything to drink for days, when, in reality, I'm hoping the liquid will help clear my senses. Or, at the very least, calm me down. Only, it doesn't. I finish it and lick my lips and realize I'm still a nervous wreck - but I knew deep down that the water really wasn't going to change that. I'm so nervous, in fact, that my shaky hands drop the glass cup as I go to set it down. It shatters on impact with the floor and I curse under my breath.
'What's wrong with me?!' I scream inside my head. I'm second-guessing everything! Nothing is clear anymore and the confusion is making me go mad!
I fall to my knees and ignore the sharp pain the comes as they hit the hard surface of the floor. I shakily reach out to pick up the broken glass. I don't pay any attention to the others, crowding around me in concern. I don't hear the words as they speak them, nor do I watch as their lips move soundlessly. I only pick up the glass... That is, until I cut my finger on one of the sharper shards. I stop. Everything stops. I stare down at the blood that is now slowly gliding down my index finger and onto the floor, forming a red puddle. Only, in truth, I'm not taking any notice of the blood. I'm simply staring at my hands. The same hands that hold so much power... In fact, they hold power and magic that I never even wanted, only, I had no choice in receiving... But I suppose it's all okay, because they're my hands. I control them. Not Morgana.
Not Morgana...
Not Morgana!
They are my hands, and I am in control of them! Not her, not ever again!
I let out a pathetic sob and tears escape my eyes. My memories come flooding back and I wrap my arms around myself, ignoring the red on my fingers that will surely stain my clothes. Then I hear and feel the others. Gwen, my sweet, caring friend Guinevere, is sitting beside me with her hand on my shoulder. Arthur, my king, is in front of me, picking up the remaining glass. Oh, and Merlin... My precious Merlin has his arms wrapped around me, letting me lean on his chest as I cry. He's whispering in my ear, comforting words that I can't seem to comprehend.
"I'm sorry..." I mumble. Merlin looks down at me, his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.
I repeat myself.
"I'm sorry."
"You've done nothing wrong." Merlin says as he pulls me closer.
"Yes - I have! I-It's all my f-fault! I killed h-him..." I sob.
"Luna, what's wrong? What are you talking aboutl?" Gwen asks.
"L-Lancelot... I k-killed Lancelot... I wanted t-to kill the r-rest of you too!" I say, struggling against Merlin's grip. I want to run away, as far as I can get. Anywhere would be better than here, with all of them gazing down at me.
"Morgana killed Lancelot, Luna. You were just a pawn in her stupid game and we should have realized sooner." Arthur tells me.
"Y-you knew!?" I stop struggling and look around at all of them, eyes wide.
"Lancelot told us before he went to follow you," Leon began, "only, we didn't believe him until - until it was too late..."
"And you d-don't hate me?" I question, tears still running down my cheeks.
"It wasn't your fault. You were under Morgana's influence, and we could never hate you for that." Gwaine assured me with one of his signature grins.
"B-but how can you not blame me f-for Lancelot. I killed him, with my magic!" My breathing picks up again and I cling to Merlin's arms for extra support.
"We knew that was you too... I could sense that the magic used to kill him was yours... It's okay - we understand." Merlin tells me.
"H-How can you say that?! I-I kill-killed him!" I cry. They're forgiving me too easily, I think. Much to easy... Why?
"We know that you would never have killed him. Who she made you, who she influenced you to be - that was not you!" Gwen says while giving my shoulder a comforting squeeze.
I raise my hands and wipe away the tears still remaining on my face. Then I allow my head fall back onto Merlin's shoulder and I shut my eyes. Taking multiple deep breath's as I try to calm myself down. Then I simply remain sitting there, in the comfort of the warlocks arms, surrounded by my closest friends - my true friends - my family. I see clearly now. That's why they forgive me. It's because they know. They know the real me... Because they're real. They are here - just like they were so very long ago, within the great city of Camelot. My friends.
I'm only half awake a mere twenty minutes later as I feel someone carrying me to my bed and then covering me in my thick blankets.
After that, well, I just let sleep take me away.
Kilgharrah is waking me up the next morning. I open my eyes as I feel his tongue covering my face in dog slobber. He's laying next to me, his tail wagging, happy to see me awake.
I can't help but smile. Everything is okay again... Only, Lancelot is dead. My hands quickly find their place on my face as I try to block the tears from coming. Because, although my friends have forgiven me, I haven't forgiven myself. Merlin and I, we had waited so long. We waited so long, in fact, that we were nearly ready to give up. Then they came back, the king and queen along with all the knights of the round-table. We were a family again too, for a short while. Only, Morgana had to come and ruin it... She came and made me ruin it. So, I can't help but feel ashamed, because I let her get to me. If only I was stronger...
There is a soft knock at the door suddenly, and I let my hands fall away from where they had been placed over my eyes.
"Yeah?" I groan.
"Can I come in?" I hear Gwen ask from behind the door.
Guinevere was surely to be understanding. She was manipulated by Morgana as well, within the dark tower, many years ago. Perhaps she will be able to get rid of this sense of uneasiness I have resting in the pit of my stomach.
"Sure." I respond flatly. My emotions seem so stiff - still trying to untangle from Morgana's web - so it's the only kind of reply that I can offer.
The door creeks open and then I see Gwen peak her head in, the rest of her body coming in soon after. She shuts the door behind her and then simply stares at me while wringing her hands together nervously.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. She is clearly nervous, and, perhaps, even frightened of me. There is no way of them to be sure that I'm on their side again, is there? I probably wouldn't trust myself either.
"W-what is it, Gwen?" I ask while pulling my knees up to my chest.
"I just... Well, I wanted..." She begins, her words failing her.
"Yes?" I question.
"Are you - are you alright?" Gwen finally manages to ask.
I blink a few times, simply staring at her, before I jump out of my bed. It happens so fast that I don't even realize what I'm doing, but soon enough I find myself hugging the dear life out of her. I bury my face in her dark locks of hair as tears stream down my face. Her comforting arms wrap around me and rub my back with reassurance.
"I-I was so scared, Gwen... Then - then I just became lost. So very lost." I whisper, my voice thick with emotion.
I think back to everything Morgana put me through. The terrible world I had to live in and endure. The people, my friends and family, that she had me forget. The false memories she planted into my head. Then how all the real one's came rushing back to me last night.
"I hated you - all of you. Merlin, Arthur, and the knights... She made me think you all an enemy. I was so frightened and desperate that I believed her! I trusted her! T-then, she had me kill Lancelot... I felt so guilty after I did it and I couldn't understand why... I was so confused and th-then I remembered everything... "
I feel her tighten her grip.
"Shh..." She soothes, "it wasn't your fault, and we won't let anything like that happen to you again."
"You can't promise that! What if she makes me go back there - to that awful place?!" I sob.
"We will protect you with all we have! Because we are family, we love you, and we are not going to let her take you from us again." Gwen tells me firmly.
I nod and then continue to cry on her shoulder as she whispers comforting words to me. I don't know how long this goes on before Kilgharrah barks and draws our attention back to reality. I let go of Guinevere and dry my wet cheeks.
"Ready to come out?" She asks.
I think about it momentarily wondering if I am. I have doubts as to if I can face the rest of them, but in the end, I know Gwen was right - we are a family.
"Y-yeah..." I say before stepping toward the door.
I suck in a breath of air before turning the handle and pushing it open.
All of them, all my friends, are sitting at the table drinking their usual coffee's, tea's, and hot chocolates. Gwen pushes me forward until I am directly beside them and I notice two empty seats reserved for the queen and me.
"Come and join us!" Gwaine says cheerfully from his seat.
"Percival and Merlin cooked breakfast this morning!" Elyan chimes in.
"Aye, and it's delicious. You must try some!" Gwaine adds.
I chuckle, giving each of them a smile, before sitting down beside Merlin. I give his hand a squeeze under the table before filling my plate with food.
"I'm starved."
Bite after bite I'm placing food in my mouth. Someone may think it's because I'm simply hungry, but I believe, in truth, I trying to avoid talking... Or, at least, talking about Morgana.
"These eggs are delicious, Percy!" I tell him with a grin.
Percival smiles back at me.
"That smile was real - I could tell. Before, no matter how happy you acted, there was something off... It's good to have you back." The large knight says with sincerity.
I clear my throat of the bubbling emotion that is gathering there.
"It - It's good to be back..." I give a quick smile before lowering my eyes so I'm staring at the nearly empty plate in front of me.
"What's wrong?" Gwen asks me, clearly concerned, and places her hand over mine.
"I'm j-just worried, I suppose. What if - what if I forget again? What if she tricks me again?" I speak slowly, my lips trembling.
"We won't let her harm you aga-" Gwaine begins before I cut him off.
"-That's not what I meant... What if she doesn't have to speak to me again, or even touch me. What if I just wake up one morning and I'm the same as I was before - hating all of you."
"Then we'll simply have to stay off your bad side!" Gwaine says humorously.
"This isn't some joke!" I yell, throwing my hands on the tables, and my eyes glow a dim gold, "I don't want to hurt any of you! I don't want to be the cause of one of your deaths! Not again!"
A few of the cups shatter and Merlin quickly throws up a shield to protect everyone from the glass.
"Luna, calm down. Everything will be alright, you just need to take a few deep breaths and relax!" Merlin says softly but firmly.
I shakily comply and suck in a breath of air before exhaling. I repeat the process until I feel my magic settle.
"I'm sorry..."
"Stop apologizing!" Merlin chides, "you have done nothing wrong, and if I have to tell you that again, I'm going to go mad!"
"But-" I start up again.
"Ah!" He interrupts.
"I-"
"Nah!"
"It's-"
"Nope!"
I simply stare at him with my mouth hanging open.
"I think she gets it, Merlin. Now, can we get back to the problem at hand." Arthur asks.
"Yes, I believe we can." Merlin responds simply.
"Alright. Well, Luna, I hate to bring this up so soon - but is there anyway you can lure Morgana back here? Perhaps make a meeting with her? We need to stop her, and the only way we'll manage it, is if we trick her." Arthur says.
"Done." I reply immediately.
"Wait - what?" The king looks at me with confusion.
"Morgana - Morgana and I already set up another meeting. It is to happen in four days time, by the lake." I explain.
"That was easy!" Gwaine comments, still trying to lighten the mood, "now, who wants to play some Monopoly?"
I shake my head at him, but can't manage to wipe the large smile off my face.
I was wrong to be afraid. Everything is going to be alright.
As the day of Morgana's and my meeting nears, I begin to get nervous again.
The others continuously question my well-being, nearly driving me into a state of annoyance, as their worrying gets the better of them. I pass them off with simple reassurances that I'm alright, but in truth, I feel like a complete wreck. It's as if I was a car, lovely and new, not a single scratch to be seen, that has suddenly found itself in the dump after a horrible crash.
I want to be okay again, but I don't know how. It's all too confusing and complex to be honest. Every way I turn is a mix of emotions, usually guilt. I still haven't found a way to escape it, no matter how many times my friends say that none of this is my fault.
Morgana this and Morgana that - she's the cause of all these problems they say. She's the one who tricked me. She used me for her own gain... Which is frankly the truth, but in reality, I still had a part to play, a hand in her evil. Why, no matter what Merlin says, or how many times Gwen comforts me, I still feel sick knowing it was my magic that killed Lancelot. It makes me feel tainted and dirty, as if a thick layer of grease is covering my skin and no matter what I do, it won't wash off. I keep seeing the noble man fall to his knees, blood soaking his lips, as he draws his last breath. I watch as he plummets to the ground, dead, after giving me the uttermost look of pain and understanding... The latter always cutting me the deepest. Because with that look, I knew he forgave me, I knew he realized it wasn't really me. Only, the fact that Lancelot could forgive me so easily, makes it harder for me to forgive myself.
Two days until I am to meet with Morgana. My hands are shaking as I think about it, and whenever I close my eyes all I can see are my horrors. Gwaine jokes and laughs, trying to cheer me up, telling me everything will be alright. He assures me that they will be right there - ready to help me. All I can do is nod and accept the hug he gives me, snuggling into his warmth as I cry silent tears of fear.
One day until the awful meeting, and I find myself restless, not being able to sleep. Merlin comes into my room, sensing my distress, and gives me one of his most comforting smiles. It's soft and warm and I can't help but smile back. Only, on the inside, I'm screaming in the pain this is causing me. I don't want to lose myself again. I don't want to hurt my friends again.
On the morning of the scheduled encounter, I find myself sitting on the sofa, taking deep breaths as I try and calm my nerves. Percival sits next to me and gives my hand a squeeze.
"It's going to be fine." He whispers in my ear.
I allow my head to fall onto his shoulder as I weep. He's a brother, in more ways than one, and it gives me comfort. Gwen comes over next, sitting to the other side of me, rubbing my arm.
I feel so pathetic and weak. So frightened and lost. Its not normal for me but I can't help it. The past events have effected me more than any other occurrence in the past thousand years of my time on this Earth. The events have scarred me far more horrendously than any cut I inflicted on myself. Morgana has broken me. She has made me fearful of not only my power, but my sanity. She has walked into my mind and corrupted my thoughts, only to leave and have damage still linger there. One minute I can be fine, and the next, I'm shaking like a leaf caught in the cool breeze of the autumn season.
"Are you ready?" Arthur asks from his spot among the others. They are all gazing at me now, concern evident in their eyes, as they await my response.
I feel as Gwen and Percival stiffen beside me, possibly preparing themselves for if I break down into another fit of sobs.
Only, I refuse to be weak. Not now. Not when it is crucial in stopping Morgana.
"Let's go," I grin, "It's time to repair the damage that has been done."