A/N: Some light at the end of the tunnel in this one, lots of goodness, you guys have definitely earnt it. Let me know if it doesn't make any sense. Feedback = yay.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the story.
Thoughts in italics
Chapter 13: I think I'd like that.
Willow was in her arms. Eyes closed peacefully as she gently rested her head into the crook of Tara's neck. It made Tara feel as if every atom crashing through her entire body all suddenly came to an abrupt halt and settled peacefully in her chest. All contentedly humming and sending the most thrilling little tingles through her cells.
Tara was pulled from the pleasant sensation when she felt something cold, wet and sticky dribbling down her collar bone. The mysterious sludge was dripping out of Willow hair.
"We need to get you cleaned up." She whispered to the back of Willows head. The redhead shifted to look at the blonds stained shoulder.
"Tara..." Xander interrupted.
"What did you do?" he finished, Tara couldn't tell if the statement was meant as an accusation or a question. He was obviously referring to the spell she had just done...maybe spell was the wrong word for it. It was more an energy transference really. But at the moment that didn't matter, what mattered was that she'd saved Willow, she'd kept her safe.
"Not now okay? Later. We'll talk about it later." She couldn't pull her gaze from the quivering girl clutching as her arms. Willow looked so neglected. Tara couldn't believe that someone could just abandon her, the girl with the sweetest smile, the girl with the cutest freckles, the girl with the biggest eyes, soaking in filth on the side of the road. Tara closed her eyes tightly at the image in her mind, she had to be strong. Breathe, she reminded herself.
"Yea that sounds fair. I might get out of your way, I'll let Giles and Anya know the good news when I get home. I'll be round tomorrow to see if Amy's any better . You guys just worry about the black-inky-sludge detox." He said as he buttoned his coat. He was met with a chorus of "thanks" "night" "seeya" as he closed the door behind him.
" Dawnie could you get the warm water running in the shower for me?" Tara asked the teenager who nodded before bounding upstairs. Now all they had to do was get Willow to the bathroom.
"How we gonna do this?" Buffy asked rubbing her hands on her jeans, always looking for a game plan.
Tara looked tentatively at the girl in front of her. Willow was looking at Buffy and then the stairs, her lips pressed firmly together as if contemplating her options.
"Do you think you can stand?" Tara asked her.
"I guess we'll see..." She replied a little nervously. Tara tried to assure her with a gentle smile.
"Anyway I think I'm seeping into your couch cushions, wait any longer and I might become permanently glued to your furniture." Willow added lightly.
"Don't you dare, I don't even want to know how much it would cost to get a Willow sized lump upholstered to the side of that thing." Buffy joked and Tara marveled at how naturally Buffy interacted with the girl.
For three years Buffy had been guarded against Scarlet, the unexplainable ghost, the mystery the Scooby's never solved. But now she was Willow, the strawberry flower. A big bad waiting to happen. They knew this could only go two ways; Willow had a fifty percent chance of destroying them all. Apparently those odds are good enough for Buffy. Tara thought with a little smile, she could feel her heart swell with pride. Buffy was really the most extraordinary human being.
Buffy took Willows hands as Tara released the redhead.
"Count of three, ready?" She instructed.
Willow nodded a little apprehensively.
"Tara?" Buffy checked.
"Ready." Tara replied
"One, two, three." Buffy counted as she pulled Willow effortlessly from the couch, Tara held her hands on Willow's waist from behind as the redhead swayed a little on the spot.
"OOoo" Willow squeaked in an adorably innocent voice.
"Dizzy?" Tara asked from behind.
"Only in the literal sense." Willow answered leaning her weight on the other girls.
"Want to go back down?" Tara asked.
Willow shook her head
"That would be kinda counterproductive" She said ruefully.
"Want a lift?" Buffy asked turning so Willow could climb onto her back.
Willow hesitated.
"Come on, It's not like I'm not use to it, Dawn still makes me piggy back her up there sometimes when she gets sleepy!"
"Yea but she's like 15. "
"Hey if I remember correctly we still don't have an age bracket for you Missy." Buffy countered.
"I think I'm a little older than 15." Willow said with this adorably defensive expression, Tara was giggling.
"Get on." Buffy insisted lowering so the redhead could easily wrap her arms around the slayers neck. Willow shot one more "do I really have to?" look at Tara before she shuffled onto Buffy's back. Tara couldn't seem to stop smiling. She's the cutest.
As they made their way up the stairs she heard Willow grumble something and Buffy laugh as she said "You big baby." Tara laughed with them, it really didn't matter what had been funny in the first place, she was with her family and she was happy. We got her back. She kept thinking as she reached the top of the stairs.
Dawn flew unexpectedly from the linen cupboard holding an armful of fresh towels as she managed to doge her way around the others into the bathroom.
"I got the fluffiest ones. Mum use to say that they were strictly guest-only." Dawn yelled from the bathroom, presumably refereeing to the towels. They followed her into the small tiled room. It was already filled with warm mist, the shower was running and Dawn had written "Missed ya Willow!" in the fog on the mirror. Tara smiled, she was certain that the Summer's girls had the kindest hearts God had ever bestowed on anyone.
Tara tried to memorize every single detail of what she sore before her. Willow held out her hands to catch the hot water as it hit her skin in drops, her clothes stuck to her in funny places and a pool of black watered ran off her body and swirled around the showers drain. It was the most beautiful sight, the type that makes you wonder how heaven could be any better than life here on earth. Pure bliss seeping from the redhead as she soaked up the warmth, eyes blinking against the water as she looked up into the spray. She was laughing, then poking her tongue out and letting the water trickle into her mouth. Tara was laughing too. It was the sort of simple joy that sweeps all who witness it off their feet and fills them up with hope for things to come.
She and Willow were standing, a little cramped, in the Summer's shower cubical. Fully dressed and completely soaked. Willow was still quite unsteady on her feet so they'd decided it would be best for her not to be alone on the slippery surface of the wet tiles. Good thing too, the redhead had already almost slipped over twice before Tara managed to catch her. These events didn't however seem to faze the redheads cheer.
Willow was spinning a little under the water, it reminded Tara of the way little children dance and splash about in the rain.
Then Willow looked at her. Her fiery hair falling over her eyes and clinging to her cheeks. Glowing like flecks of sunshine through the canopy of a forest. And everything stopped. All Tara was, all she'd ever been, was in that moment. Then Willow's face broke into the biggest smile and she scooped her hair away with her fingers.
"What?" Tara asked a little giddy. She had to know what caused Willow to light up like that.
"I can't believe you get to do this every day." Willow laughed the words out and closed her eyes as she lent her head back so that the water fell on her face. Tara couldn't tear her gaze from the way Willow's neck stretched gracefully exposing the creamy skin.
"What? Shower?" Tara asked. She was trying to focus, the mental image of her tongue running over Willow's throat was not helping. Come on Maclay focus it can't happen she's...and for the first time the answer wasn't a ghost. It was a pause, and in that pause Tara felt her feet shift the slightest amount before the multitude of reasons flooded her instantly. She's vulnerable. She's your friend. You can't risk what you have. She's not gay. She's only been a human for 12hrs! For goodness sake stop staring at her!
"Feel . Everything! Feel it all touching you everywhere all at once. It's like everything in the universe is connected, and it interacts and relates and now all of the sudden every little part of it is talking to me, sending me signals and...I'm not making sense at all am I?" Willow trailed off.
Tara knew she should tell Willow that what she was saying made perfect sense, and that it was beautifully insightful. And that she was constantly amazed that after all Willow had been through she was able to simply feel the comforting sensation of a hot shower after a long day and be happy. Buts Tara just waited for Willow to keep talking.
"See I didn't mean it was talking like...'hello Willow, I'm the soap dispenser, welcome to the physical plane'...more like...how it feels connects me to things that were just objects before. Like...water = warm...shampoo = foamy...sponge = squishy...tiles = hard...jacket = heavy...and kinda squelchy...actually now that I think about it the jackets really uncomfortable...it's all soggy and stiff, do you mind if I take it off?" Willow asked as she stepped forward to remove the garment and slipped over her own feet letting out a squeal.
Tara caught her with two firm hands.
"Thanks." Willow muttered a little embarrassed.
"You okay?" Tara checked tucking some stray hair behind Willow's ear. Tara stop it she reprimanded as she drew her hand away.
Willow noodled a little sheepishly.
"Floor = slippery." Tara said with a grin as she stabilized the girl.
"I'll try to remember that one." Willow chuckled.
Tara was struggling not to hold her hands out like a safety net in case Willow lost her balance again. She could see the slight girls knees shaking a little.
"Are you right to stay standing while I take this coat off?" Tara asked trying to think of the best way to free the redhead without knocking the girl off her feet. Willow was wearing her jacket. She'd thrown it over the shivering girl as they'd raced through the streets of Sunnydale earlier that night. It wasn't her favorite coat by far. It was kinda big and was made from this floppy grey material that never quite sat right. But it was comfy. And she had to smile at how the fabric hung on Willow's slight shoulders completely dwarfing the girl. Adorable.
"That should work." Willow replied, a little nervously.
Tara gave a reassuring smile as she quickly un did the buttons and threaded the redheads arm out of the first sleeve. She was a little surprised when she felt the Willow's hand grab her shoulder to hold herself up but managed to remove the coat without hassle revealing a pink three-quarter sleeved shirt that gathered at the front, a denim skirt and grey tights. In the three years that Tara had known Willow she'd worn that same outfit every single day. Ghosts can't change their clothes you see; but lucky for them they can't really get dirty either.
Tara twisted some of the water out of the coat before tossing it into the adjacent bathtub.
"Stockings next?" Willow's voice.
Tara nodded. Wait what? But Willow was already squirming out of grey stockings; Tara quickly grabbed the other girls waist as the redhead stepped out of the material now gathered around her ankles. She kicked the little ball of grey to the edge of the shower cubical.
" I need to umm..." Willow was picking at her shirt and then shot Tara a little anxious look. Oh...It was an interesting predicament, Willow looked a little uncomfortable as she picked at the material. She needs so take the rest off...obviously...I mean that is the idea of bathing...she needs to...oh.
There's a sort of cruel irony in the way the sub-conscious part of your brain betrays the rest of you when you need it behave the most. Tara's brain was being flooded with hundreds and hundreds of mental images, all of Willow...who would soon be naked...and in the shower...with Tara. Some were memories and other's completely manufactured but what they all had in common was that none of them were welcome and all of them where arousing.
"H-how about I t-turn around while y-you um...and then I can p-pass you the t-towel?" Tara offered.
"Okay." Willow nodded, green meeting blue. Tara turned around and looked at her feet. Just breathe.
It was the longest most overwhelmingly erotic three minutes of Tara's life. Which she realized might seem a bit pathetic. She'd had sex before, shouldn't that have been more stimulating then standing here, back turned listening to a girl peel layers of clothes off? But it wasn't even close. Tara could feel everything, her spirit, her mind, her emotions all yearning together in unison for the same thing. She's was so close. Willow. The girl who had always been out of reach, broken-space under fingertips. So close.
Just breathe
Willow was making quiet little grunts as she struggle out of her shirt and Tara had to squeeze her eyes closed, she was overwhelmed with longing, it was almost to much to handle.
"Ouch." She heard Willow whisper under her breath.
"Y-y-you okay?" Tara asked. She was surprised she had the ability to talk.
"Hmm" Willow hummed. Tara wished she hadn't. This is torture.
It was hard to stay still, everything in her was burning. And suddenly a hand curled around her shoulder and she realized Willow probably needed her for balance as she stepped out of her underwear.
And Tara couldn't breathe.
She couldn't stand still.
She wasn't going to keep this together.
Not when it was Willow.
She was going to loose control.
She needed to touch her, needed to touch her everywhere.
No going back.
She spun around with one fluid movement, fully intending to take what she needed, regardless the consequences.
And then she sore her. And all she could taste was strawberries.
The happy girl soaking up the warmth and dancing under the shower's spray was gone. And in her place a pale figure with a solemn expression.
Willow hadn't seen Tara turn, she was just standing alone examining a deep cut that ran down the length of her arm. A mixture of shock and fear in her eyes. A red slice in skin from her inner elbow to her lower wrist. Tara realized Willow must have noticed it when she removed her shirt. The wound looked as if perhaps it was self inflicted, but Tara knew better then that. Rack. He must have done a ritual that needed blood. The blood of a strawberry flower.
Tara suddenly felt as if she was violating the vulnerable girl shaking in the water dressed only in a bra and panties. Immense shame washed over her as she spun quickly around. In that moment she felt as if she was drowning in guilt.
I didn't have the right to see that. She felt herself shudder a little.
Poor Willow. She wanted to face the redhead. She wanted to hold her hand. Wanted to say something. Wanted to help.
She looked so lost.
After a while of silence the shower stopped running and Tara passed Willow the towel, she helped her get dressed. Dawn had left all the essentials; jumpers, fluffy socks, sweat pants even some mittens and a beanie. Once dressed Willow waited outside the bathroom as Tara quickly washed and changed. They made there way, all rugged up, to Joyce's old room where Tara finally broke the silence.
"You want to talk about it?" She asked kindly. She wanted to be vague, after-all she didn't know what was going on in the redheads mind.
Willow shook her head in response.
Tara was bracing her forearms under Willow's to support some of the slight girl's weight. She could feel the mitten covered fingers grasping the inside of her elbows and when she looked up she sore green eyes concentrating intently on sock-clad feet.
It'd probably be best if I sleep on the couch. Tara decided.
She needs space. But it wasn't just that. For the first time it wouldn't just be a girl and a ghost hovering over the sheets. It would be two people laying beside each other. Sleeping together. And as much as Tara tried to tell herself that that's all it would be to her, two people sharing space, she knew she'd be lying. It would be everything she ever wanted.
I may never get to sleep in the same bed as her again. It was a devastating realization.
She never slept well without Scarlet there. The first time Tara ever slept through an entire night was the night they'd first met. Her father had caught her trying to smuggle Willow into the house. He'd pulled her room apart, smashing trinkets and tearing posters off the walls, but he couldn't find a single trace of evidence that a demon had been there. Tara didn't know whether to be shocked or relieved when he flung open her wardrobe door and the ghost-girl wasn't there. She'd known the mysterious redhead for less then an hour, she'd snuck her from the library and was planning to hide her until she could ask Mr Giles what they should do.
And now she was gone. All that was left was an empty oak wardrobe and a mess of broken things on her floor.
Tara was crouched, dust pan and brush in hand, sweeping what was left of her grandmother's old cherub figurines from the floorboards, and being quietly thankful she'd hidden the dolls-eye crystal safely away in the attic when they'd moved houses. She felt a little bit like Cinderella, except... her farther was alive, her mother was incredible and she had no evil step sisters, just one bully of a brother. Okay now that she thought about it Cinderella had an up on her when it came to bad living conditions - a Father with a temper and a bit of demon in her DNA, wasn't exactly tragic. Plus she wasn't really into the whole Prince thing. She shook her head of the thought.
Don't even go there Maclay. That was just one complication she couldn't deal with right now. The only problem was that she really didn't seem to have a choice on the matter.
"Come on there's lots of good things about boys." She muttered to herself, Buffy was always talking about guys at school, it had to rub off right?
"There all tall, and strong and smelly..." Tara cringed, she wasn't great at this.
"Just avoid armpit hair...and chest hair...and Adam's apples...and stubble...and anything...remotely...masculine." She let out and exasperated sigh. Slid the contents of the dust pan in the bin and flopped backwards on her bed.
"What's wrong with me!" She groaned covering her face with her hands. She then punched into the mattress a couple of times to relieve some built up frustration before she lay defeated on the sheets. Why can't I just be normal?! She was upset, she missed her Grandmother, she hated that in three years she'd be twenty, she was angry that her farther had scared away her friend. The red haired girl had been so helpless and afraid. And Tara knew she was meant to find her. She knew she was the one who was suppose to take care of her.
Now she's gone, probably forever, shes out there all alone. She doesn't know what's happening. I can't believe I just LET her be alone. I practically abandoned her! What was I thinking trying to sneak her in here?! Of course father would be waiting for me, he always waits when I'm late. Tara had never felt that miserable in her life. She kept imagining the slight girl with long red hair crouched in a ball on the floor. Her arms gripping her legs tightly to her chest and the biggest green eye's calling out for Tara to save her.
It was then that Tara caught a tinge of red out of the corner of her eye, and the taste of strawberries on her tongue. She sat up hastily and crossed her legs under herself.
The girl was just standing there by the wardrobe.
She's back. She's okay. She's back. Oh thank God she's okay. Everything okay.
"Hi." The girl whispered offering the cutest little half wave ever.
"Hi." Tara replied. She's absolutely adorable.
"Are you okay?" The redhead asked gently, Tara liked the way her eyes seemed to scream the honesty behind her concern. They were captivating.
"Y-yea." Tara swallowed; she was in real danger of losing herself in those pools of green. Breathe.
"Where'd you go?" Tara managed to ask.
"Oh. I um sorta backed through the wall..." The petite girl looked to the wardrobe.
"Mama's room?"
" Aha. She's really nice. I like her alot. You guys have the same smile. Well not literally of course because you know, freaky, but like the way you smile. It um. It's nice." The redhead babbled a little.
Tara gestured that the ghost sit on the bed with her.
"I'm really sorry I made your Dad mad at you." the redhead whispered.
Tara lay down, flicked off the light and got comfortable.
"You didn't make him do anything."She replied. As Willow's head came to hover next to Tara's on the pillow. It was only a single bed, but neither of them were particularly large people. And Tara liked that they were close. It let her focus on specific features of the other girls face. Like her pink lips, her faintly freckled blushing cheeks and the way her long eyelashes faded into blond so that the ends were almost invisible.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" the redhead whispered as though it was a secret.
"You're pretty easy to be nice too." Tara said sincerely.
They smiled at each other in the shadows. There was a rumble downstairs as Donny's car roared in the driveway. Then suddenly everything was cold and stiff, Tara realized it was the other girls aurora filling the room around them.
"What is it?" Tara asked.
"Something's really wrong with me isn't it..." the petite girl swallowed back her emotions.
"Do you think I'm something evil? Something bad?" She finished in a shaky voice.
And Tara's felt her soul ache at the familiarity of the statement.
"I think you're a beautiful young girl with extra-flamey red hair, who hasn't quite found her place in the world yet, just like everyone else on the planet." As Tara finished the statement and the lost girls composure broke as a relieved sob of a giggle.
"That's all I've got for you right now." Tara added with a smile.
When Tara looked up green eyes met her own and they were brimming with tears, she had wanted to touch wet cheeks so badly.
I did that. Tara's heart skipped a beat.
"I could kiss you just now, you know that?" Willow was still laughing to herself whilst mopping her eyes with her sleeve. It was the sort of light statement that probably meant nothing at all.
"I think I'd like that." Tara heard herself whisper. And for the first time since she'd caught herself thinking about girls Tara had said something that gave herself away. It was out there, floating around in the universe. It was real. Forever buzzing in the ears of the nameless red-head lying beside her.
"Me too." Was the almost inaudible reply that came from the shadow's of the room.
And Tara slept, and she didn't wake up till a quarter to eight the next morning.
"Am I hurting you?" Willow's worried voice shot through the memory and brought Tara back to the present. They were almost at Mrs Summer's old bed.
"What?" Tara said a little disorientated.
Willow's eyes weren't watching wobbly sock-clad feet anymore but focused intensely on Tara.
"Oh no. I was just. I was just thinking." Tara stumbled out. It was hard to talk when Willow looked at her like that.
"What about?" the redhead pushed. Always wants to know everything about everything.
"Another time maybe." Tara smiled hoping this didn't seem harsh.
They shuffled back a few more steps.
"Almost there." Tara said patiently as she backed into the soft mattress and begun to help the red head turn.
They landed safely on the mattress. Tara flicked the bedside light off, pulled the quilt and blankets open and helped Willow slide in under them.
Just as she was about to leave the dark room she felt delicate finger's wrapped around her lower back and gently draw her down into the bed with a gentle tug. The fluid motion slipping her snugly into Willow's side.
Tara couldn't move. Couldn't talk. Couldn't think. The hand on her back was sending tingles through her spine that buzzed through her entire body.
Willow's turned to touch her face, her thumb rubbing soft circles against Tara's cheek and her fingers shifting gently through blonde hair.
"Night Tara." She whispered.
Then Willow pressed the most feather-light lingering kiss on Tara's forehead. Slid her hand from Tara's jaw, down her arm and clutched the material of Tara's sweat shirt as she buried her self into Tara's neck. Willow's limbs and torso all curled into a ball and wrapped into the shape of Tara's waist as she shuffled closer still.
Tara was holding her breathe. Afraid to shatter the illusion.
She could feel the redhead's aurora pouring through and dissolving into her own so that she could no longer tell where Willow started and she ended. Everything tasted like sweet strawberries, and Tara had never felt more alive. It was as if every happy thought she'd ever had twisted like rays of sunshine through her soul and shone brightly from her center.
Nothing could feel this good.
Nothing could feel so right, so meant to happen, so perfect.
No two people could fold so naturally into each other.
Fit like broken pieces, finally finding where they belonged.
It just wasn't possible.
It just couldn't be real.
But it was.
Suddenly Willow's grasp loosen a little and Tara was brought back to her senses.
With one certain movement she wrapped her arms firmly around Willow's slight figure pressed her mouth against red hair and whispered
"Goodnight Willow." as she pressed a kiss into Willow's hairline.
Tara fell asleep smelling the vanilla scented shampoo she'd rinsed through Willow's hair earlier, tasting strawberries and feeling Willow's breath the skin of her neck.
TBC