Ch.13 - POV: Joanne

"All the things she said, all the things she said; running through my head."
- All the Things She Said, Tatu

Climbing the stairs up to the loft was one of the weirdest experiences of déjà vu I'd ever had. But I was still smiling. I'd been away for so long that I couldn't wait to see everyone again.

Even her.

I had got off the phone with Collins that morning. I was back in New York to see my parents. I had one day to spend in New York, so I was only going to spend the afternoon with my friends (where they still my friends?) then have dinner with my parents.

I inhaled deeply at the top of the stairs. A million flashbacks ran through my mind. (How many times had I stood in this spot before? Too many to remember.)

Detroit was nice, but it was no New York.

I made it to the door and knocked three times.

And then Maureen opened the door.

I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. All of the memories that had been floating through my head were gone, instantly, and I thought of nothing but her, standing there in front of me in dark jeans and a white tank top.

She was heartbreakingly beautiful.

"Hi," she said, as coolly as she could manage.

"Hi."

It was the first time we'd seen each other since... I tried not to remind myself.

Everyone else crowded around the door. "Joanne!" Mark cried. We hugged and I forgot about Maureen for a moment. Almost.

"I missed you!" I laughed.

"I missed you, too. Hey, you able to stay long?"

"Not really, why?"

He just shook his head. "I've got a lot to tell you."

I hugged Roger (who looked awful), then Collins. Horrible memories of being in the hospital with all of them for hours and hours came back to me. Suddenly I missed Angel and Mimi horribly and realized how small our group looked now.

Maureen and I hugged. Even if I was still angry with her, I knew I'd always love her. It was impossible not to fall in love with Maureen.

Then Collins brought another girl forward. She looked like she was in her early twenties. She had bags under her eyes and seemed strained and exhausted, but I could tell she was making an effort to make a good impression.

She held out her hand. "I'm Lily."

I shook her hand and then (after a few more hugs from Mark) we all sat down. Maureen walked a few steps behind her. Even if I couldn't see her, I could feel her.

But even in Detroit I could feel her.

I could feel her standing behind me as I emptied my closet.

"What are you doing?"

"Leaving."

"Yeah," she scoffed, "like I haven't heard that before…"

I looked back at her, over my shoulder. "I mean it this time."

"And where exactly are you planning on going?" Maureen spat.

"Far."

She placed her hands on her hips, dramatically. "It's not like you're threatening me here, Jo. What do you want me to do, beg you to stay?" She gave a bitter laugh. "It's not like you're actually - "

"I mean it this time, Mo," I repeated, sternly. I hurriedly packed my things into a suitcase.

"Slow down, slow down," she hissed, annoyed. She walked over to me. "Fine then… where are you going?"

"Detroit."

"Ha. Yeah, right."

I looked over my shoulder at her. "I am."

She pulled me away from my bags. "What do you mean you're going to Detroit?"

I pulled myself away from her. "I got a job up there."

"And when were you planning on telling me this?" she yelled. I could see that it was slowly dawning on her that this wasn't just another of my thinly veiled empty threats.

I rolled my eyes. "Calm down, Maureen."

"Calm down? Calm down? How did you expect me to react?"

I sighed, steadying myself. "Maureen, listen. We've been fighting for weeks."

"We always fight."

"But it's different."

"How?"

I knew I had to tell her, that there was absolutely no getting around this… but I still tried to conjure up ways I might escape from this room.

She just stared at me, her body stiff and angry, but her big brown eyes pleading.

"I slept with someone," I admitted, simply.

I expected her to get angry, to yell, the cry, to scream, to over react – like she always did. But she was surprisingly poised.

"Who?" she asked, calmly.

"Does it matter?"

"I guess not."

We stared at each other for a while, until I turned back to my packing.

"Why?" she asked softly.

I didn't look back at her. "A lot of reasons."

"Give me one."

"Well," I sighed, stuffing a shirt into my suitcase, "for one thing we haven't said more then three words to each other all week."

Maureen walked over to me, grabbed my hands away from the suitcase and held them. "So you just leave? We just give up? After everything?"

"Trust me, Maureen. We're not giving up. We gave this our all… and it didn't work."

"But…"

"Look," I said, pulling my hands away, "whether we like it or not, our relationship is always going to be a rollercoaster. We're not going to be twenty-four forever, you know? Don't you want something… I don't know, normal? Steady? I do."

"Pookie…"

"Don't start with that," I snapped. "And don't act like I'm some kind of monster because I'm leaving and you're just the innocent victim. And," I said, a little quieter, "don't act like I'm the only one who cheated."

She swallowed. "Fine. Whatever. Bye, then."

She turned to leave.

I knew we couldn't end like this. "Wait, Mo…"

"No, forget it. This is a rollercoaster, remember? Time to get off the fucking ride, I guess."

"Maureen, clearly we need to talk about this."

"Talk?" she cried, suddenly emotional. "Talk? Did we talk about you leaving? No. We're making decisions without each other now, remember?"

"I…"

"I'm glad you're leaving." She spun on her heal, her dark hair a swirling mass of curls behind her.

"Wait, Maureen! We can't - "

She faced the door, her fists clenched. "I hope she was worth it."

She left and I sat down on the edge of the bed and cried.

"So what have you guys been up to?"

We were sitting around the loft, drinking beer and eating chips. I would have rather been at the Life Café, but, according to Mark, Roger still had yet to leave the loft since he got back from rehab.

Lily shifted uncomfortably beside Mark.

Roger tried in vain to keep his eyes from closing.

Maureen stared down at her drink.

What was wrong with them?

"Not much," Collins answered. "You?"

I shrugged. "Work's pretty crazy, but I like it. Of course," I smiled, "I do miss New York. So, uh, Mark, how'd you meet Lily?"

The two told me about how they met in Chicago. They seemed like a cute couple, but I could tell there was something they weren't telling me.

Collins lit a joint.

Maureen looked over at the clock.

"You got somewhere to be?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I just said I'd meet a friend later." She glared at Collins, angrily. I forgot how terrifying her stare could be.

"Who?" I asked innocently.

She bit her lip and looked over at Collins, her eyes half asking for advise, half asking for permission.

Collins just shrugged, leaning back in his chair, smoking.

"What?" I asked. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No," she said. "It's no one." She forced a laugh.

"Is it that same 'friend' from the Clit Club?" Mark asked. "You've been seeing a lot of her lately, eh?"

Maureen put her head in her hands.

Had this happened a year ago I would have gone to her; tried to figure out what was wrong and try to fix it for her.

I had to remind myself not to.

"Mo?" Mark asked, concerned.

"Now or never," muttered Collins.

A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. To my surprise, she turned to Roger. "I'm sorry," she said, softly.

He sat up, fully awake now. "Why?"

She wiped her eyes. "I've… I've been s-s-sleeping with Benny."

I called Mark and the others and we went down to the Life Café the night before I left. I hadn't seen Maureen since we'd fought and she was conspicuously absent that night. I asked Mark about her.

He shrugged, adjusting his glasses. "She's fine," he muttered.

I rolled my eyes. "I want to know, Mark. How is she? What's she been doing?"

Does she talk about me?

Mark bit the inside of his cheek, thinking of a way to tactfully put the news I knew was coming. "She's sleeping around, Jo. A lot – or so I hear," he added, quickly.

I couldn't help but wonder if Maureen and Mark had… No, I'd be able to tell if they had. Right?

"She's kind of a mess," Mark went on, "a blur. It's like she can't sit still."

I nodded and we sat down at our table. The group was small – Mark, Collins, Gordon, Paul, Pam, Rosie, a couple girls from the Clit Club, Jill, a few people we'd met at some of Roger's gigs, and I.

"It's my fault," I whispered to Mark, who took his seat beside me.

He didn't answer.

I put my head in my hand. "But I didn't think she'd react so… childishly."

"You broke her heart," Mark whispered.

I looked over at him, tears brimming in my eyes, though I willed them not to. "My heart's broken, too, Mark. She's broken my heart a million times before. We just have different ways of dealing with things, I guess."

"Why are you leaving?" he asked. "Really?"

"I got a job," I answered, simply.

He shook his head.

"No? Then tell me Mark – why am I leaving?"

"You're guilty."

I took a swig of beer.

He was right.

"Benny?" Roger repeated. "Benny?"

Maureen put her head in her hands and sobbed. "Sorry," she whispered, shakily.

Collins rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. He must have already known about this.

Roger stood up, unsure of what to do with himself. "For how long?" he demanded.

"Not that long…" Maureen was quiet, trying to make herself as small as possible.

"Why?"

"There are a lot of reasons, I just… It's not just… We…"

"Shut up," he yelled so loudly I worried the neighbours might hear. "Just shut up! Maureen… you fucking slut!"

I cringed. He was angry.

She cried, her eyes already ringed with red. "I'm sorry."

Collins stood and put his hand on Roger's shoulder. "Calm down, man. We gotta think about this rationally."

"Rationally? Rationally?" Roger roared, pushing Collins off of him. "The one guy in the world I hate more then anyone – and she," he pointed at Maureen, "she decides it's time to start fucking him? How many woman does this guy have to take from me?"

Maureen just shook her head. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

Roger glared at her, his usually cold eyes on fire. "Well, you did."

Maureen's face broke my heart – she was destroyed.

But at least now she knew what it was like to feel guilty. Maybe now she'd be able to understand why I left.

Mark walked out with me later that night and helped me find a taxi.

"Is Roger going to be all right?" I asked. "He seemed really upset…"

Mark nodded. "He'll be fine… we'll all be fine."

I put my arm around his shoulder. He had told me all about Lily, about Roger drinking and trying to hide it, and now with Maureen… "Yes," I agreed. "You'll all be fine."

But I wasn't so sure.

A cab pulled up in front of us. We hugged. "Don't be gone long," he smiled.

"I won't."

I got in the taxi and watched out the back window as Mark, with his head down and his hands shoved in his pockets, walked back inside.

As I drove away I thought about the mess I had left behind in the loft: Roger had locked himself in his room, Maureen had run away (presumably to Benny's) and Lily had started shaking again, getting feverish and sick. Again, I was felt guilty for leaving, but this time I knew I'd be back - soon. And Mark was there to take care of them all.

I just hoped he'd be able to handle the reality of it all.