[Author's Note: I am so sorry for the massive update delay. First of all, this was one of those chapters that just did not want to be written. (I'm still not totally sure it turned out the way I wanted it to, but it is what it is at this point.) Second, I have been ridiculously busy lately. (Since I published last, I have taken the PSAT, the ACT, and the SAT; competed in three oral interp meets; judged a novice debate meet; competed in a varsity debate meet; written two essays; taken at least twenty tests and quizzes; and played in a piano recital. Among other things.) So, basically, I've been too overwhelmed to write anything that sounds remotely eloquent. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this belated chapter…]
Twenty minutes later, a knock on the door startled Kate out of her wandering thoughts. Since Castle left, she'd been sitting folded against the armrest of the couch, staring into the middle distance. She'd almost forgotten.
With what felt like an excessive amount of effort, Kate dragged herself off the couch and to the door. She had barely opened it when Lanie lunged forward and wrapped her in a hug. When Kate went rigid, Lanie immediately pulled back and looked at her. "Oh, honey, what is it? You look miserable."
Kate sighed as she stepped aside to let Lanie in. "I am miserable."
"What's wrong? What happened?"
Kate scrubbed her face with one hand before dragging her fingers through her hair. She felt her throat tighten and turned away from Lanie, who closed the door and followed Kate to the couch. "I need advice," she managed after a minute. "Not Lanie advice, though—Dr. Parish advice."
"Okay…" Lanie said slowly, watching Kate fidget with the seam of a throw pillow.
Without looking up, Kate asked, "What if something is really wrong with me?"
Lanie's heart broke for her. "Like what, Kate?" she asked gently, resting a hand on her arm. Kate jumped at the contact and met Lanie's eyes.
"Something like…" She shook her head, and a tear fell. Kate tensed angrily. "Ugh, haven't you cried enough in the last two days?" She fell silent, and for a few minutes, neither woman spoke.
Finally, Lanie got up off the couch, and knelt in front of Kate, who looked away, tears still streaming. "This is about what happened in my office yesterday, am I right?"
"Yeah," she answered hoarsely. "And in the car yesterday… and tonight in the locker room… and at the shooting range… and during our arrest, and again half an hour ago!"Finished yelling, Kate sat panting, her brain beginning to fog again, until Lanie spoke and interrupted the awful noise that she could never seem to escape anymore.
"Sweetheart, lie down, okay? I don't want you to pass out." Kate obliged, and Lanie walked into the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Though she was barely gone for a minute, by the time she returned, Kate had vanished.
Five minutes later, Lanie was sitting on the floor before an agonized Kate, who had wedged herself between the wall and the dresser. Kate sat with her hands clamped over her ears and her eyes squeezed tightly shut. Her entire body, which she had curled as close as possible to itself, rocked back and forth slightly with her rapid, heavy breathing. Lanie slowly reached out—mindful of not worsening her panic attack—and coaxed Kate into extending her legs in front of her. When Lanie reached out to pull her out of the cramped corner, Kate made a sound that seemed to fall halfway between a moan and a scream.
Finally, after what felt like an hour, Kate was lying on the bed and doing a fairly decent job of deep breathing.
"See what I mean?" Kate asked bitterly after a few minutes of silence.
"Yeah, I do," Lanie returned, with more than a little hesitancy.
"What?" Kate asked, sitting bolt upright. "What is it? Why are you saying it like that?"
"Well," she began, sitting down on the foot of the bed, "look, I know you passed the psych eval, but Kate, those things are designed to get people back in the field as fast as possible. And you're already back early. Maybe it's one of those times that warrants slowing down a little bit."
"Lanie, I'm not going back on leave!"
"Okay, no. You're right. There's no way I can convince you to do that, and I don't think that would really be worth anything in the long run anyway. But what do you think you're going to do if you keep having panic attacks all the time?"
"I don't know, okay?!" Kate yelled, tears stinging her eyes. One fell, and she didn't bother to wipe it away.
Lanie listened to her shaky breathing for another moment before saying, "I'm not telling you that you have to do this, but I do think you should consider seeing a therapist for a while."
Kate's head shot up. "No! No therapy. That's not happening."
"Why? Because you never talk to people about things like this? Kate, that's at least a part of your problem right there."
"I get it. You helped get me into therapy last time, and it helped a little bit. You're right. That doesn't mean I can deal with it again."
"So then what happens when you've given desk duty and mandatory therapy? Kate, I know you: you're running away from stuff like this all the time. And I'm not saying that's inherently wrong, but sometimes the only way out is through."
Kate sighed. "Yeah…" she whispered noncommittally.
"I'll head out and let you get some sleep, but just think about it, alright?"
"No promises," Kate answered, smiling sadly.