I own no one but my own people

Olivia took a long swig of the rum, figuring she had downed at least half a bottle by now. It'd be cheaper if she went home to drink but she couldn't. Too many memories of her and Jeremy before she had ruined his life. Nor would they let her visit him in the hospital. The Marshals had him under lock and key, no one but key medical information in or out.

Olivia had fought them tooth and nail and it wasn't until Andy had told his fellow Marshals to let Olivia see him 'or else' did they let her in.

Jeremy, however, had point blank refused to see his mother. Olivia assumed it was because he was ashamed or embarrassed but he had his doctors tell her that wasn't the case at all and that it was because he 'wanted to make the bitch know what it feels like when someone who's supposed to love you doesn't.'

Olivia tried to pretend that wasn't the most horrible thing anyone, perp or otherwise, had ever said to her.

So afterwards she had given her statement to Cragen, she didn't want anything to do with the Marshals who had been one order away from killing her son, and hightailed it back to Manhattan.

She went to the bar closest to her apartment, sat down, ordered a Rum straight, and hadn't looked back since.

"You doing okay?"

Olivia turned towards the person who had interrupted her steady line of drinking and she saw Andy with layers of medical gauze and his left arm in a sling.

"They let you out this early?" asked Olivia as he took a seat besides her.

Andy shrugged. "Not the first time I've been shot, it's not vital... I stay long enough for them to give me a prescription of the good stuff and I'm good to go. Vodka on the rocks please," he called out to the bartender who gave him a nod letting him know he heard his order. Andy turned towards Olivia. "You want anything?"

"I'll take another glass of Pyrat."

Andy relaid her order to the bartender before he turned back to Olivia who finished off the last of her glass of amber liquid. They sat in silence for several seconds before Andy spoke. "I'm sorry," he began softly, "that I wasn't there for any of this. Maybe if I had been-."

"It's not your fault," Olivia told him. "Believe it or not, he was actually a pretty well adjusted kid until his babysitter abused him. He was fine not having his father around. If anyone's to blame it should be me."

"You didn't do anything."

"Exactly my point." Olivia sighed as another glass was placed in front of her. "I should have recognized the signs. I deal with abused children everyday, Andy. Looking back all the signs were there, all the hints... But I didn't see it."

"Hindsight is always 20/20, Liv," Andy told her gently. "And it's always different when you're dealing with your own household."

"I still should have recognized what was going on. Because I didn't 8 people are dead, Kathleen is gonna be blind out of one eye for the rest of her life, Alex is just... she's gonna be all types of screwed up, and he's going to go to jail for the rest of his life."

Andy reached over and gently rubbed her shoulders. "Everything's gonna be okay, Liv."

Olivia mustered a sad chuckle as she turned towards him. "Not it's not."

Andy watched as she turned back towards her drink. He let his gaze linger on her for several moments longer before he turned back towards his own drink. "I did mean what I said in there by the way. About how selfish it was for me to let my feelings for you get in the way of helping to raise Jeremy. I should have dealt with the heartache and been there for my son."

Olivia turned towards him as he took the first sip of Vodka. "You actually meant that? That the reason why you couldn't stick around was because you were too in love with me?"

Andy nodded as he took another drink. "I didn't wanna be so close to you without actually being with you. It was torture."

"Then why didn't you ever come back after you got over me?"

"Because that would imply I ever did get over you."

Olivia paused , her glass halfway to her mouth. After she let his words sink in she turned towards him tears gathering in her eyes. "Please tell me you didn't just say what I think you did."

His silence gave her the answer.

"Jesus Chris, Andy!" she barked as she slammed her drink down. "You really think now, of all times, would be good time to suddenly rekindle a romance that happened nineteen years ago? What, did you think you were gonna come back, proclaim your love and I'd jump into your arms and tell you I loved you too and we'd ride off into the sunset together?"

Andy cringed at the harsh tone. He wasn't expecting something that picturesque but he didn't expect to get yelled at either. "Liv, just calm down. Look I know the timing sucks-."

"Ya think?" She downed the last of her rum before she got off from the bar stool and stormed off. Andy threw a ten spot on the bar and hurried out after her. "Olivia, will you just wait?" he shouted at the retreating Detective. "Let me talk to you!"

"I don't wanna talk!" She stood at the curb and waved her arm, hoping that a cab would drive by and pick her up.

Andy went and stood in front of her, blocking her view from the street. "Well I do."

Olivia sighed as Andy put his hands in his pockets and looked down at her. "I know that you're hurting right now with all that's going on but that doesn't change the fact that I still care about you."

Olivia crossed her arms and threw him the sharpest glare she could muster. "Facts? You wanna talk facts? Okay how about the fact that you left me to raise a child on my own for eighteen years? How about the fact that you didn't call your son once? How about the fact you couldn't even send a Goddamn card to let him know his father actually gave two shits about him!"

"I wanted to-."

"But you didn't." Olivia sniffed away more tears as she ran a hand through her hair. "You didn't and honestly, Andy, I'm not the one who was hurt. We broke up, I thought you moved on, it happens. I didn't care that I never saw you again but Jeremy cared about the fact his father abandoned him. And I don't think I can ever forgive you for hurting him like that."

A cab pulled in front of the two and Olivia walked around Andy without another word.

Just as her hand grabbed the handle Andy spoke top her. "42,386 dollars."

Olivia narrowed her eyes as she turned back towards him. "What?"

Andy turned towards her. "That's how much I have saved in his college savings plan," he told her. "I know a lot of eighteen year old's are still in high school and I was afraid if it hit then he'd use it all on stupid crap so I had an Accountant of mine set it up so it gets wired directly into the school he would have gone to for tuition, books, dorm rooms, and then he gets 400 a month to spend on whatever he wants."

Olivia's eyes widened as Andy walked over to her. "I opened that the day I found out you were pregnant and I've been adding every single spare cent I had into it for the past eighteen years." He shrugged. "Figured it'd be a nice surprise for him when he got a letter from the school saying everything expensive has been taken care of. I know it doesn't make up for a lot of shitty things I did but I figured its a start."

Olivia stared at him, her eyes searching his, struggling to find anything that told her that it was a lie but nothing. "You... you actually saved up that much for him?"

Andy nodded and Olivia shook her head in disbelief. "I... I can't believe. Hell I thought you forgot you had a kid to be honest..."

"There wasn't a day I didn't think about either one of you," he told her as he took a step closer towards her. They stared at one anothers eyes for a moment before Andy reached out and wrapped his hands around her waist. She didn't pull away. "It's too late for me and Jeremy, I know that. But it's not too late for us, Liv."

They were both thrown into silence for what felt like an eternity. Slowly Andy leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. Olivia stood stunned for a moment before she relaxed and kissed him back. IT was slow and sweet but neither one felt like there had been a eighteen year gap between kisses and it felt as familiar as if the had kissed five minutes ago.

Olivia pulled away first and sighed as she leaned her forehead against his. "This doesn't mean we're back to the way things were before."

"I know," he breathed as he held her closer. "I wouldn't expect anything more."

"Good. Now Andy?"

"Yeah?"

Olivia looked up at him, tears glistening in her eyes. "Tell me how to get our son back too."

Andy, having no answer for her, merely kissed her again.

…

It had been three long months since that incident in the Jersey Hotel. Olivia and Andy pulled together every last cent they saved up to get him the best possible lawyer who had fought tooth and nail to get every single aspect of the case thrown out due to technicalities and filing every motion known to the legal world to get bits and pieces of evidence thrown out.

Of course since he had shot at a Marshall and kidnapped an ADA, they weren't going easy on Jeremy either, despite the fact he's a son of a Cop and Marshall. They were hitting him hard with every single trick in the book and refused to relent in their blows.

But even with the best lawyer his parents could afford, Jeremy didn't want to plead not guilty because that would imply he was embarrassed or ashamed of what he had done, and he had never been more proud of his accomplishments in his life.

So he agreed to plead guilty to the charges, and, as promised to himself, he would do it with a smile.

"In the matter of The People of the State of NY versus Jeremy Benson, how does the defendant agreed?" the judge asked, not even trying to hide the disdain in his voice.

"Guilty, your honor," said Jeremy with a smirk.

One row behind him, Olivia and Andy sat behind him, both ignoring the victims family along with their colleagues who sat on the other side of the court house.

They both also ignored the news crew who filled the courtroom to it's absolute breaking point.

Olivia had been bombarded with news crews since it broke that a son of a SVU Detective was the lone criminal in a slew of some of the most brutal rape and murders New York City had ever seen.

She, along with all of her colleagues, told the News that Olivia had no idea Jeremy had been the killer but that didn't stop people from yelling at her on the street.

But hopefully after today this would stop.

Even though Olivia knew Jeremy had committed the crimes and she knew he was taking a plea, it still hurt to hear her son, her baby, say out loud he had been responsible for those horrible things.

Tears pricked at her eyes but as she went to wipe them away she felt someone's hand intertwine within hers. She glanced over and he gave her a soft smile. Olivia tried to return it but it was no use. She couldn't even muster a grimace at this point.

Both turned back towards the front of the courtroom where the Judge nodded as he glanced down at the paperwork. "I understand there's a plea bargain in place?" the judge said to Barba.

"There is. The People are satisfied that the terms have been met, Your Honor," Barba answered.

"Very well. Mr. Benson... Your mother, a very distinguished Detective, has appeared in hundreds of Victims stead, many in my courtroom. I am sure she is as disgusted and appalled at your crimes as is nearly everyone in this courtroom, including myself. The fact you choose to torture and murder innocent people before they've been given a chance to live, sickens me, so don't let the sentence fool you, Mr. Benson. If NY still had the death penalty, you would bet your ass you'd be at the top of the list.

Unfortunately I can't give the victims of your crime and their families the satisfaction of watching you die with a needle in your arm on a gurney and it is with severe disgust that I hereby sentence you to eight life sentences, to be served concurrently, in Rikers Island. Bailiff, take Mr. Benson into custody. We're adjourned."

With a bang of the gavel it was done.

Olivia struggled to hide her sobs as several officers came over to her son whose face hadn't changed. He was still smug and had a smirk on his face, not even a glimmer of fear or remorse in his eyes. Jeremy turned around to face Olivia who stood up from the bench along with Andy. She reached out to hug him and he immediately pulled away from her.

"Jeremy, please!" Olivia begged as the cops waited for him and his mother to have several more seconds together. "You're my son! I love you!"

"Stop lying to me. You never loved me, you lying cunt." Jeremy leaned in, a particularly cruel nasty scowl on his face. "And I'm NOT! Your fucking son!"

Tears rolled down her face as the cops grabbed Jeremy by the arms and began to lead him off. At the last second he turned towards Alex who was sitting in the victims side with a smirk and blew her a kiss before he disappeared out of the courtroom, the doors slamming behind them.

Andy immediately wrapped his arms around Olivia as her knees buckled and a sob ripped past her throat. "It's alright," he whispered into her ear as she clung to him. "It's gonna be alright."

Olivia shook her head as the sobs finally overtook her, no longer caring who saw her or what they would write about her in this evenings newspaper. "He didn't even let me say goodbye! He wouldn't even let me hug him!"

Andy gently stroked her hair as her sobs continued. "I know. It's gonna be okay, Liv. Everything's gonna be okay..."

They stayed like that, wrapped in the comfort one anothers embrace could give them, for several minutes, neither caring how it looked to anyone else who was watching.

Finally her sobs subsided into silent streams of tears. She looked up at Andy who gazed down at her with a sad smile. "You wanna get going?"

Olivia sniffed and nodded as she pulled away from his touch and moved past him to get to the now almost abandoned court room. Alex was leaning against the front door appearing nervous as Olivia approached her.

"Liv, I've gotta talk to you," Alex told her as she wrung her fingers together. "It's important."

"Not now, Alex," Olivia told her a bit more crossly then she had intended. "Where's Elliot?"

"Pulling the car around back so you can avoid the media circus but I REALLY have to talk to you."

"And I REALLY have to do something right now."

Without another word spoken, Olivia pushed past the blonde with Andy hot on her heels. "Liv, what's going on?" asked Andy gently as Olivia walked down the hallway of the white marble building not towards the unknown back door but the front of the courthouse where the large multitude of news cameras and reporters were stationed.

"I love him but he didn't show a single scrap of remorse for his victims. I gotta do something to make this right," said Olivia as she pushed open the heavy doors.

The moment she showed her face she was all but blinded by the camera flashes and deafened by the reporters shouts. She held up her hands to silence the reporters before she took a deep breath. "I won't say my son has some some pretty horrible things," she began, "because horrible can't even begin to describe what he did to those women and to his one male victim. I know a lot of people are angry at me for sticking by him after he was arrested but he's my son and will always be my son until the day I'm dead and buried, no matter what things he's done.

There's been rumors that he was sexually abused by his babysitter when he was younger and that is true. It's not an excuse on any part and I would appreciate it if the news didn't run it like I'm making it out to be one. He grew up hating her, hating women and hating... hating me for not seeing it. And unfortunately, eight young lives paid the price for me not seeing the signs of abuse I see every day in other children."

Olivia paused to catch her breath as she glanced around the cameras and recorders surrounding her. "I know that nothing I say or do can bring your loved ones back from the dead or take away the hell my son put them though," she continued. "And I saw my sons face in there when the verdict was handed down. He felt no remorse for what he had done, no pity for the lives he destroyed, no apathy, no nothing... And I'm gonna do my part to let the victims know that someone DOES care about them."

Jeremy's father has been saving up for Jeremy's college education since the day he found out I was pregnant. What started as lose change in a pickle jar has grown into an amount of over 42,000 dollars, which will be given to the Childhood Advocacy Center in Manhattan, an organization that helps children deal with crimes committed against them and gives them the help my Son never got."

I know a lot of people will be saying that money deserves to go to the family but honestly I don't feel that way. If it was my son who was a victim and the mother of the person who murdered him gave me money, I would feel insulted and I would feel like she thinks my pain is something that can be bought or measured in a monitory amount and it's not. If any of the victims family wishes to get their share, a little over 5,200, please stop by the Manhattan SVU Squad by Friday and nothing else will be said on the matter."

Again, words can't describe how deeply apologetic I am for what my son has put you and your families through but I am truly, truly, sorry. Thank you."

With that she walked away with the mass of reporters with Andy besides her. "You okay?"

"Like you said, it's not like Jeremy's going to be needing it," Olivia muttered softly as Andy held the door open for her where they met Alex once more.

"Liv, this is really important that I talk to you," said Alex as she began walking with the two of them towards the back where Elliot was now parked and waiting.

"Not now, Alex."

"Olivia, please-!"

Olivia twisted around, her eyes narrowed in anger. "My son was just hauled away for the rest of his life for doing unspeakable horrific acts because he was mad at me. Forgive me if I'm not in a chatty mood right now!"

"But this is important!"

"And, by the way, I still haven't forgotten the fact that you slept with a teenager!"

"He was eighteen!"

"He was still a teenager!"

Olivia sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. "Just leave me alone, Alex. I know you were hurt by him and I'm sorry but... just leave me alone."

Olivia turned and began to walk away. Andy gave Alex a sympathetic look before he too turned and began walking down the all but abandoned courthouse.

Alex took a deep breath and licked her lips before she told them both the one thing that had been plaguing her since she received the news yesterday from her Doctor. "I'm pregnant!" she blurted out.

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