I felt sick to my stomach as I made my way towards Nicole's hospital room. I had made sure to get here close to noon so the Danforths were out getting a real quick lunch. Nicole hadn't woken up yet but the Danforths were getting her something that fitted the doctors dietary recommendations that Nicole would have to follow when she got out. My parents had gone earlier today to see her and she wasn't awake. When I reached the door I slowly reached and turned the knob. When I opened the door I quietly slipped inside hoping to not wake Nicole if she was asleep.
I turned to see Nicole's eyes closed and her chest slowly rising and falling with each breath that she took. I could see the bruises and only some of the cuts the doctor mentioned Nicole getting. I put my keys in my pocket and sat down in a chair next to the bed. She looked so peaceful but broken at the exact same time. I see the cast where people have already signed on her leg. I can't believe it's taken me two days to come here and talk to her or at least see her.
I get up to see her cast and the messages that are there. The red cast seemed covered in black writing. I looked on top to read some.
Get better Nicole I mean it I miss you, Gabriella
Nicole, hey hun get better we need you on the field, Sami
Nic please get better and don't worry I'll wait for the next community musical to sing with you, Ryan
Get better, Chad
Please get better I need you to help me keep Chad focused and because I've been one of your best buds for years, Taylor
Best Glove Buds forever, Riley
"What are you doing here," a voice asked me. I turned to see Nicole staring at me with her eyes half open. It pained me to see her expression. It was one I hadn't seen except when my mother wore it. It was a look of disappointment. But for some reason her look hurt me even more. It was as if everything I had done to her over the years was finally coming back into my head at full speed.
"I'm visiting you," I said as I made my way back to the chair.
"Why," she asked.
"Because," I said trying to find words to finish my sentence.
"Let me finish your sentence you're visiting me because you have the tiniest bit of guilt in you," she said with venom in her voice. I've never heard her voice sound like that ever. I mean I did have a bunch of guilt but for some reason I couldn't voice any of it.
"Say Something Troy," she asked looking at me. Her voice had softened and it was now the one I heard whenever she calmed me down when I got angry. I just stared at her face and noticed how much pain she was in.
"Why can't you just say something," she asked me. I looked into her face to see one lone tear rolling down her cheeks.
"I don't know," was the only phrase I said to her. I looked up to see her face and all I saw was overwhelming sadness.
"I don't belong in your world anymore do I Troy and Chad's made it clear that I don't belong in his," Nicole asked. I looked at her what was she talking about?
"Of course you belong in my world," I said. I saw her shaking her head and then she refused to look at me.
"Troy do I can you honestly tell me that I belong in a world with you and Chad giving all that has happened in high school," Nicole said. I put myself in her line of vision and tried to remember everything in high school. I mean sure we didn't hang out as much well we didn't really hang out at all really and when we do it's not that long. And I did sort of ignore her this holiday and I did ignore her calls and stood her up at the ice rink.
"But we can fix it," I said. Nicole's been one of my best friends for years not being friends with her would be horrible. I can't even begin to think of what it would be like.
"No Troy maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. Maybe my accident was a sign from God that we shouldn't be friends or that our friendship is over," Nicole said.
"You've never been religious," I replied.
"Not the point," Nicole replied her voice soft again.
"Then what is the point because the only thing I'm seeing is that you're being insecure about our friendship," I replied.
"I'm not being insecure I'm being honest Troy our friendship isn't what it used to be. It's like we're just acquaintances than friends. I mean you and Chad spend more time with your girlfriends than me and we always promised that friends come before boyfriends or girlfriends. The basketball thing really isn't your fault or Chad's but we hardly spend any time together. You guys only come to me when you have no one else. I used to be the first person. But now you hardly come. And I'm sorry but you not coming to the rink was the last straw. Where were you Troy was your father really sick and you left your phone in the car what was it Troy that made you not come," Nicole asked me. I couldn't look her in the eyes. Everything she had said was true. Both Chad and I had been crappy best friends.
"Why Troy look me in the eyes and tell me why my supposed best friend in the entire world stood me up and on New Years Eve no less," Nicole said I could hear her crying. I slowly brought my head up to look at her and I thought that I shouldn't answer her but Nicole does deserve an explanation. I could see the tracks down her face that her tears were creating.
"Chad came to me on night and told me of your plans to go to Oxford and not even have a going away party because you're going backpacking with Alex. I was mad and angry about you not telling me before Chad did and so I guess I felt that ignoring you would make these feelings that I got about you not being with me in college go away," I said.
"That has got to be the most idiotic thing I've ever heard you say. As much as I hate to say this I obviously don't belong in your world anymore," Nicole said.
"Just because we had one problem in our friendship does not mean that you don't belong in my world as my best friend. I promise I'll be better," I said.
"Troy, I wish I could believe you but it's not just one big problem it's a thousand tiny problems that have built up and I'm sorry but I just can't take it anymore. I can't try and convince myself that I'm your best friend anymore. You never tried to keep our friendship together," Nicole replied.
"Nicole come on I've got things to do and it's not like your trying to become best friends again," I retorted. When I saw the shocked look on her face I knew that I had said something terribly wrong.
"Troy, I've done everything I can possibly think of. I listened to you about Gabriella, I waited for you at the ice rink, I did the cookie thing with you, I asked you about singing with Ryan I even organized your birthday party even though I let Gabriella take the credit because I knew it would mean a lot to you if she did it," she replied. I remember Gabriella telling me about the party the morning we made up.
"I don't even know why I'm explaining myself Troy. Just please get out," Nicole asked. I looked into her eyes and silently left her room. When I closed the door I heard her crying. I knew that this time it was all my fault and I alone would have to deal with the guilt. I guess now I'll have to deal with Nicole not being in my life except when she's around the girls. And that feeling that I had when I thought I was going to lose her was coursing through my body.