A/N: It's a two-fer, ladies and gentlemen. The first quote in here is from Pirates of the Caribbean (the first one), the second from Beauty and the Beast (what can I say, I love the classics). If I don't catch you before then, have a Happy New Year (if this is the time of year you're celebrating it)
The Muggle mall was busy when they arrived the next Saturday. Snape scowled as he saw groups of teenagers entering the doors ahead of him.
"I left a school full of hormonally challenged idiots to go shopping at a place full of them. Won't you let me get a day's peace?"
Hermione shook her head and pulled him inside. As they strode past a group of benches a group of teenagers stared at Snape.
"I don't fit in here, Hermione. Can we just leave? I'll trust you to buy me something."
Hermione caught sight of the teenagers. "Severus Snape, afraid of a little thing like the mall?"
"In the Wizarding world the people at least know enough about me to realize that staring is a bad idea. Here they stare at me..."
"Because you look like evil incarnate. Give them some of your patented Snape charm."
"You won't get mad at me?"
"As long as you're not mad at me for laughing."
Snape turned towards the teens and gave them a look he usually reserved for Gryffindors he caught roaming the halls after hours. They immediately looked away, one girl even took a couple steps back. Hermione snickered.
Snape wanted to get to the men's store and get out as quickly as possible, but Hermione, who hadn't been to a Muggle mall in over two years, wanted to do some shopping for Christmas. They stopped by an electronics store first. Snape hadn't been around Muggle electronics since his father had left. Hermione took him through the aisles, looking at different electronics and explaining each one to him. Snape was particularly intrigued by the video games.
"This little controller makes the things on the television move?" he asked, examining a wireless controller under the watchful eye of one of the store employees who was looking amazed that there was a someone out there who didn't get video games.
"Yes," Hermione said, starting up a preview of a racing game. Before Snape knew what was going on the car she was controlling took off on screen.
"You are an evil little girl," Snape snarled. He pressed buttons until his car started to go, and he did his best until it was plainly obvious Hermione was going to beat him, at which point he snatched the controller out of her hand and placed it on a shelf out of her reach. She tried play punching him, pulling on his arms, and kicking him, but he managed to cross the finish line.
"I can't believe you did that!" Hermione shook her head as they started to walk towards a display of home theater systems.
"Did what?" Snape replied innocently.
"You cheated. In a fair game I would have beat you."
"That's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it?"
Hermione rolled her eyes as she started looking over the systems. She selected one for her father and paid for it. She left it at the store pick up so they didn't have to carry it around and took Snape to the next store.
"A bookstore, Granger?" Snape sneered. "Shall I just go take a nap on one of those benches?"
"For your information, I know exactly what I want so this should be the shortest stop of the day."
"No browsing?"
"I went to a bookstore before term started and bought enough books to last me all year. I don't want to buy any more until I'm done with the ones I have." She strode to the cookbooks and picked out a variety. She brought them to the front to pay with the explanation of "They're for my cousin."
"We're going to have to shop for eight cousins?" Snape asked with disgust.
"No. We pull names. I pulled my cousin Sarah, so I buy for her. I also buy for my parents and grandmother. I bought Grandma's present a while back, a new coffee maker, she's been asking for it for months. That leaves my mother and my two cousin's little girls."
"You didn't mention children."
"I didn't. Oh, well, they're easy to shop for. A new outfit, a good toy or game, it'll be over. I bought my mother's present in Diagon Alley when I went to visit Harry, Ron, and Ginny."
"You bought your mom a present in a Wizarding shop?"
"I went with a bunch of pictures and had them developed at the photo shop so they move. I'm going to give them to her before my family comes over so we can hide them. I also bought her a blanket that is always warmed to her favorite temperature." She turned into a toy store with Snape resisting. They walked down an aisle full of pink things, Snape looking as if he might vomit at any moment.
In front of them a young boy stole his sister's doll and ran down the aisle laughing at her as his harried looking mother called after him to come back. He ran right into Snape's legs and looked up at the sour-faced man.
"First," Snape snarled. "You will apologize to me for running into me. Then you will give your sister her doll back."
The boy's mouth worked, but no sound came out.
"Now," Snape commanded.
"S...S...S...Sorry, mister," the boy stammered, then stumbled over himself to get back to his mother.
"You certainly have a way with children," Hermione said, watching the children.
"When you have heard every reason in the book for committing every crime you wind up like me."
"Maybe I should pursue a different career."
"Or you wind up like Minerva, or Albus, or maybe even Hagrid. Perhaps I just had a bad attitude to begin with."
"You? A bad attitude? Never."
Snape rolled her eyes at her. He followed her around for twenty minutes before she settled on two board games apiece. The next stop was finally the men's store. With a sinking feeling in his stomach Snape followed Hermione in. He was one of three men in the store; the others were an employee, and a bored looking man following his wife around like a dog. Several women were poking around looking for Christmas gifts for their husbands.
"What would you like, Severus?" Hermione asked, looking around the store.
"To get out of here," he murmured.
"Barring that."
"They're your parents. What could I wear that wouldn't make them hate me from the word 'go'."
Hermione walked through the store grabbing a bunch of different outfits. After a few minutes she had a couple of prospects and led Snape to the back to try them on. The first outfit, black slacks and a green button up shirt, worked perfectly.
"Try this one next," Hermione said, handing him a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with of her father's favorite team.
Snape looked at the garments in distaste. "You must be kidding me," he said, looking back at Hermione.
"I thought if you'd look a little casual the day we left it would make them more comfortable."
"What about my comfort?"
"It's just for a couple hours."
"No, it's for the rest of my life because someone would see me like that and never let me live it down."
Hermione pushed him into the dressing room. "Seriously, Severus, don't act like a damn child. Just put it on. If it doesn't look good you we won't buy it."
"It doesn't look good on me."
"You're full of it. Let me see. I bet you look so..."
"Stupid," Snape replied, emerging from the dressing room.
Hermione had to bend over to stop herself from laughing. He was right, jeans and t-shirts did not flatter Severus Snape in the slightest. It more made him look like he was some sort of aging rocker.
"We'll buy the jeans, once you wear them a few times they'll be comfortable, but I suggest you don't wear a t-shirt with them. Maybe a button up or a sweater."
Hermione eventually insisted on buying him several items more than he needed. They left the mall a little later, laden with objects that he had magically lightened so they were easier to carry.
_________________________________
Snape had let his fifth years out of half their Double Potions class and slunk out of the castle. He Apparated to Diagon Alley and strode quickly to the jewelry store.
"Ah, Professor Snape. I was wondering if you'd be visiting me anytime soon," the elderly wizard behind the counter smiled.
"Hello Mr. Smithe," Snape said curtly.
"We have an excellent selection of rings..."
"I have no use for rings," Snape interrupted, but he added 'yet' to himself.
"What would you like?" the shopkeeper motioned to the rest of his merchandise.
"I'm in search of a Christmas present. Something, as I'm sure you've no doubt guessed, for Miss Granger."
"Something in Gryffindor red and gold?"
"She does not seem as if house is that important to her now."
The old man looked lost in thought for a few moments.
"Would you, if I provided the materials, make a custom piece of jewelry?"
"Of course. I can have it before Christmas, for an extra fee."
Snape slid a small package across the counter at the man. The elderly jeweler carefully opened the package and looked down at the contents. "Is this...?" the old man nodded.
Snape nodded once. "Do not ask me how I got it. Any way it no longer works. Just set it."
The man closed the package carefully. "What would you like me to set it in?"
"Silver."
The man did a quick sketch, which he slid across the counter to Snape. Snape looked at it, nodded once, and slid the sketch back.
"And for payment?"
Snape tossed a bag of gold onto the counter. The man opened it greedily and counted it. He nodded at Snape and said simply, "It'll be done two days before Christmas."
"That'll be fine," Snape murmured, and he left the shop. Once back in Diagon Alley he quickly Apparated back to Hogwarts and made it back to his chambers before Hermione came to visit. She never knew he left the school.
Please review. Thanks in advance if you do.