Redcliffe and Does Not Rock

Author's Note: I actually rather like Wynne personally, so apologize for what is about to happen. But Neria does not, and so is delighted by this chapter. I will admit that she's something of a Mary-Sue. Like her, I flirt with everything that moves, am fairly amoral, and spend much of my time wondering why it's only the romantic love interests that I don't want who want me. However, unlike her, I cannot blow up things merely by thinking it, which makes me very sad. That said, we're still not quite the same person, so I apologize for her actions here and in the next several chapters.

Dear Diary,

So today was kind of a day for confrontations. I got out of my poor, lonely tent all by myself and Wynne promptly came over to me and confronted me about "what was I planning to do with Alistair?" Then gave me this whole lecture on duty, and about how I shouldn't get too attached to someone else as my entire purpose in life is slaying Darkspawn. Thanks old lady. Way to brighten up my day and make me feel important. Ooooh, you mean I'm like a monster killing machine with no feelings who cannot even get a bit of joy out of life? Even with someone I haven't even slept with yet? Yeah. Whatever. I told her that I was just doing this because it was fun (well, hopefully it will when Alistair gets up the courage to do something) and she yelled at me about breaking poor wittle Alistair's heart. Yeah, whatever. Mind your own business, witch.

Then, just as we got underway, we were attacked by an assassin. As usual, my awesome skills saved the day and before long, he was writhing on the ground in front of us explaining who sent us and why and all that. Huh. So Teryn Loghain is finally making a somewhat half-hearted attempt at actually doing something about us? You mean he's sending an assassin after us rather than just posting notes about how we're wanted? Glad to see that someone in this country has some balls. (I bet that Alistair would have just stuck with the posting notes idea. Possibly notes with hearts on them.) Also, seeing as this guy is a Crow, Loghain probably spent a lot of money on him. I feel flattered. It's not often that people go to a lot of trouble over me, you know.

Anyway, back to the assassin. I was going to kill him at first, seeing as I like killing and taking him with me is going to look really bad when I try to explain this whole thing to Loghain. But then he started explaining all of the great things he could do for me if I just let him live. Most of his services didn't sound all that desirable, but I could definitely use a bed warmer if Alistair doesn't shape up in a hurry (or, to be honest, even if he does). And his little leather skirt did ride up his thighs in a very appealing way. So I invited him along. And, eh if he doesn't work out, I can always kill him later. Probably after a bit of "interrogation".

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, back at camp. I tried the whole "OK, time to fulfill your side of the bargain" speech with my new assassin, but he did this whole "don't you want to get to know me first?" thing. Um, no. I really don't want to get to know you. You person I just spared, me person who wants gratitude. This isn't exactly something you need a degree from a Tevinter University to understand. But, whatever. Eventually I will either have you or Alistair, and will taunt the one who failed to seize the initiative by blatantly making out with whoever did show some guts in front of the spineless one. Then at least one of you will feel very, very sorry.

Neria.

Dear Diary,

So, we made it to Redcliffe today. Just as we got there, Alistair pulled me aside and told me that he is a royal bastard. No, seriously, he is actually the son of King Maric, and kind of important to the whole kingdom.

My first thoughts were along the lines of "WTF? No wonder Teryn Loghain wants to kill us! You are a serious threat to his rule, and he has got to be completely and totally convinced that we are trying to lead a rebellion against him and his daughter to take the throne, while killing thousands of people in the process! Seriously, why did you not tell me this? Did you think that it was not important that I know why the most important people in this kingdom want us dead? Did you think that Teryn Loghain would be content with posting notes in small, out of the way corners of the world? Do you think that he is not well aware of the threat that you pose? For the love of the Maker, just how stupid are you?"

Then I thought for a bit longer and realized something far more important. If Alistair is the son of Maric, and we do lead a rebellion against Loghain and succeed in making Alistair king, he's going to need a queen. And let's be honest, he's already got a crush on me. So why not? I mean, yeah, it'll destabilize the kingdom. And thousands may die just to put someone on the throne who is regularly outsmarted by a mangy dog. But, as long as I get to be Queen, I really don't care. Hah! In your face Teryn Loghain. I am going to make Alistair love me and ascend to the throne and kill the arch demon and become the youngest first enchanter ever! And then you're going to feel very, very sorry for not treating me better at Ostagar.

Neria

P.S: I just realized that making Alistair fall in love with me might require me being nice to him. This is going to be hard. But no one said that the road to becoming the sole ruler of Ferelden was easy.

Dear Diary,

Redcliffe kind of sucks. It's amazing how a few attacks by the walking dead make a village determined to be all boring and unfriendly. They've even shut down the brothel, although luckily the bar is still open. The only good part of it so far has been Teagan.

Oh, Teagan. Where do we begin? Your gorgeous blue eyes. Your luxurious golden hair. That delicious accent? That lovely fashion sense? If I wasn't going to make Alistair fall in love with me and marry me so that I could become Queen, I would totally throw myself at you like a poorly behaved puppy, knock you to the ground, and have you right in front of everyone else, with or without your consent.

As it is, I will have you, but subtly. So that my intended doesn't notice.

So, yeah, in case you haven't guessed, I agreed to save the village. Not that I care. But doing so lets me spend more time with Teagan, and totally wins points in the eyes of Alistair.

Of course, this began the whole "how do we prepare the village for rampaging zombie hordes" bit. Which sounds totally boring, until you realize that it involves breaking into a lot of houses and taking stuff. Which is a lot of fun, and definitely makes me happy.

Not too much to say here. I did find a rather rugged looking dwarf who initially wanted to hole up and avoid the fighting. I implied exactly what I was willing to do for him if he was just willing to help us rather strongly, but he resisted. Eventually he gave in when I offered him Arl Eamon's support. I feel kind of depressed. My favors, or those of an ugly old man, and the dwarf chooses Eamon? I'm totally going to kill him when I get the chance.

Then there was Ser Perth. He's not a templar. But he sort of looks like one. So I was really hoping that I could get him to go inside that windmill and fulfill a few fantasies that I've always had...

Sadly, no matter how clear I was about what I wanted, he just stared stupidly at me and asked me for some "holy relics" to help protect his men. Hmmm. Maybe that was an innuendo. Maybe I should have accepted. You know, like, "I want to put my holy relic in your magical chalice?" Why do I always miss these subtle come-ons until it's too late to do anything?

Then there was Teagan. As soon as we escaped from my intended's watchful eyes, I asked him if he'd like to "go behind the docks to discuss strategy". He was willing to go behind the docks, but after that, became most difficult. He muttered something about having a town to defend, and left before I could even get all of my robes off for our nude swimming session.

There is something wrong with the people in this town. This has become very clear.

Oh well. Eventually I just gave up on my hope that anything fun would happen in this stupid town and waited for nightfall. Undead hordes appeared. I killed them. No surprises there. Dumb zombies can't even climb stairs.

Neria

Dear Diary,

I'm confused by Isolde. She came running down from the castle just after I'd had a rather entertaining discussion with Teagan about how we were going to enter the tunnels under the castle together and explore Redcliffe together and totally interrupted the mood. But then she is rather pretty. And that gown doesn't leave much to the imagination. And I can't imagine that after a decade or so of being married to Arl Eamon that she isn't up for something a bit more exciting...

But at the same time, that voice! Well, this is what gags are for.

It would be glorious. I'd slowly slip her gown up over those creamy thighs while Teagan pressed into my back, his hands caressing my slender waist. I'd put my hands to the cleavage only just hidden by that filmy net as Teagan slide my robes beyond my legs. I'd lean down to...

Then just as I got to the good parts of my thoughts, I noticed that Isolde had somehow dragged Teagan away from me and left me to explore the tunnels of Redcliffe with boring old Alistair, Leliana, and Wynne.

I am totally going to kill her for this.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, guess who I found in the tunnels of Redcliffe? OK, you'll never guess, so I'll give it away. Jowan! Yeah, like the obnoxious little apprentice that I was banished from the tower for trying to help out (even after I ratted him out to Irving, the bastard). Anyway, he was in a cell, asking me to let him out or something. Yeah, whatever. You preferred that fat cow Lily to me. You can damn well stay there and think about what your bad taste in women has cost you for a while longer. Jerk. I am totally not letting you out after that.

Anyway, we cleared out the castle and came to the throne room. Teagan totally paid for not exploring my tunnels by being forced to dance around like a jester. Hah, Teagan, you look like an idiot. Next time you'll know better than to follow some lesser woman around. Anyway, I totally beat him up and killed the rest of the group, then was begged by Isolde to save her son. Jowan somehow appeared and told me that they could kill Isolde to let me enter the fade and try to save Conner. And Isolde actually asked for it. Seriously, what kind of monster would I be if I denied a woman this sort of request?

So, yeah, we killed her and I entered the fade and found the desire demon. And for once found a rational being. Did you know that she was willing to make a very reasonable deal with me where she would leave for a while and not come back until some later date when it wouldn't inconvenience me? Would you have thought that she'd even offer me awesome stuff for me being willing to work with her? I swear. Demons get such a bad rep. Especially seeing as they're actually super logical when you just make it clear that if they're not, they're going to regret it. So much better than most humans.

Anyway, she offered me a lot of choices, but sadly would only let me pick one. I was totally tempted to go with "the best night of my life" choice, but, you know, pleasure is ephemeral, while the ability to be a blood mage is permanent. So, yeah, I'm going to be able to control other people's bodies soon. Which means that everyone will have to do what I want, or else I'll just make them. It'll be awesome. ^_^

Next thing I know, the whole castle is back to normal, other than the nearly dead Arl Eamon. Teagan told me that I needed to go and find some stupid ashes to cure him. Ugh, I don't want to. Why do I have to do everything around here? But Teagan told me that they won't summon the Landsmeet until Arl Eamon is OK, so whatever. I guess I'm going to find some stupid ashes. Then we can summon the Landsmeet and I can either depose Loghain and put Alistair and myself on the throne, or if that doesn't work, apologize to Loghain and explain how my whole "treason" thing was just a big misunderstanding. (And blame it all on Alistair. Yeah, that could work. Hey, he's the senior warden, right? And he's twice my size. How could cute little me be the leader? Yeah, if things get ugly, this was all totally Alistair's idea and he made me do it despite that I begged him to support our rightful rulers like a true patriot.)

So off to get some ashes! Let's make this fast. Time's a wasting!

Neria

Dear Diary,

When we got back to camp, Alistair totally confronted me about Isolde's death and told me that I should have found another way of "saving" Conner. Oh, well, excuse me, Mr. Templar. Like I'm the resident expert in magic. Actually, I kind of am, but whatever. That just means that Alistair should trust my expertise in these matters.

Anyway, I told him that I thought everything had worked out for the best, and he calmed down a lot and went away. Although he still looked pretty sad. So I gave him this necklace that I "borrowed" from Arl Eamon's study that had a tag on it that said "Alistair's Mother's Amulet." (Yeah, I tried to give it to Morrigan, but she didn't want it. WTF? I thought that she liked necklaces. That woman is crazy.)

Suddenly his face lit up and it seemed like he had completely forgiven me for whatever he was unhappy about. It was kind of cute. So I took a few other useless things out of my bag and gave them to him and he became super happy. Then, seeing as he was in a good mood and all, I invited him back to my tent.

OK, so he was definitely a virgin. But it wasn't bad. I mean, I'd far prefer an inexperienced man who liked taking direction to an experienced man who thought he was the best thing ever, but actually just kind of sucked. So I'm thinking that this could work. He'll need a few more pointers before he's quite up to my usual, but it's not like I've got anything better to do between now and getting back to Teagan, right? Besides, it's kind of fun training my future husband. ^_^

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, it seems as though that random house I looted in Denerim had the map to the Sacred Ashes! I am so psyched!

It's actually kind of funny how everything that I do seems to have some great cosmic importance. I have decided that it is because I am the center of the universe. I'd always sort of felt that way, but now have proof. I love being me.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, killed off a bunch of lunatic townspeople and made it into the temple. This random guy we picked up somewhere in the town seemed super impressed, but whatever. The temple is really just a lot of old stuff.

Old stuff with lots of opportunities for killing and looting. OK, so maybe not that bad.

Anyhow, after a point, got to the leader of the crazy people who very sensibly decided to talk to me. The leader told me that if I just defiled some stupid ashes, I could "join their family". Now that sounds really, really hot. I just hope that the initiation is better than that of the stupid Grey Wardens. I bet it is, though, as the leader has this totally malevolent, sexy look on his face. Oooh, I know exactly where this "initiation" is going. Mmm...I am totally up for it. So! Going to defile some ashes!

Anyway, got to the place right before the ashes and had to talk to some stupid guardian who wanted to know if I felt sorry about betraying Jowan. Hell no! He preferred that fat cow Lily to me. He's lucky to still be alive, considering. What I regret is offering to help Irving. That bastard totally betrayed me to the templars. Oh well, I'll get him back someday.

Anyway, that answer seemed to make the guardian happy, so I solved some really easy puzzles then got to go and grab the ashes. Of course, before we could do so, we all had to get naked, which was awesome in the case of Leliana and Alistair, and not so awesome in the case of Wynne. Note to self: Next time I have a quest that involves nudity, do not bring along the 60-something woman. Ugh. I did not need that. Luckily, as an elf, I will sag much less at her advanced age than she does. There are benefits to smaller breasts.

I cleverly grabbed a few pinches of the ashes (OK, most of those in the urn – hey, if they're actually magical, I'm going to want a lot of them, right?) before I desecrated them, then totally poured the blood on them just like Kolgrim had asked for.

Unfortunately, this had the unintended consequence of having the guardian, some of his guards, and Wynne attack me. Oh well. I killed them without any real problem because I am, after all, ridiculously awesome. Also, unlike them, I am smart enough to know that you kill the healer first.

Kind of sorry to lose my healer, though. On the other hand, I never really liked Wynne. And maybe Morrigan can heal? That would be pretty convenient. And finally I'd have someone in my party who is totally up for killing and looting, unlike the dweebs I am currently surrounded with. Sorry, Wynne, but Morrigan is a lot cooler than you are (at least if she can heal).

Anyway, looted what remained of the shrine, then went out to meet Kolgrim.

And I saw that he'd brought friends!

I just knew that I was about to get my reward for destroying that useless relic. I approached Kolgrim and could already see him and his "family" drawing me behind a pillar. They would circle around me, shielding my body from the eyes of my betrothed, then rip my robes from my flesh. A dozen hands would slide over my soft skin, touching every nerve before the first plunged...

Anyway, I should concentrate on whatever Kolgrim is doing for my initiation ritual. I am sure that this is going to be even better than my imagination!

Sadly, not. It appears as though his stupid initiation ritual just involves drinking blood. Whatever. I've already done this. And I did not just lose my healer just to drink some blood and gain an ability that mages can't even use.

So, yeah, I killed him. And his followers. And just to really get back at him, I totally summoned his Goddess and then killed her and ripped off her skin. Oh, yeah, and then I went through the tunnels and killed every last sacred dragon there and ripped of its skin, too!

Just remember this if you ever try to defy me!

I wonder how much dragon pelts sell for?

Neria

Dear Diary,

So got back to Redcliffe, awakened Eamon, got another ability that I can't even use, and listened to him explain how Loghain actually is the best person to lead the country outside of Alistair and how there is going to be a civil war caused by our actions. Awesome. I might feel bad if I wasn't on Alistair's side and about to marry him. But, you know, the only people who are going to die in the war are some dumb nameless peasants who I've never met, so whatever.

I asked if we could just call the Landsmeet right then and get this whole stupid ordeal over with, but Eamon insisted that I gather the rest of our armies. Whatever. I do not want to do this, but Eamon is being difficult and won't call the Landsmeet until then, so eh. Being Queen had better be worth all this effort. Although I do not see why I have to do everything around here. Why can't Eamon gather the armies? Or Alistair? Or Teagan? Or someone who actually cares?

To celebrate, I invited Teagan into my chambers to discuss what we'll be doing at the Landsmeet. Alone. Unfortunately, he still seems to be grieving. Over Isolde? Weird. I wonder what was going on between them. Anyway, not going to worry too much about it as I'm sure he'll be up for something once he's gotten a chance to get over this and realize that his new Queen is the most gorgeous woman in the world.

Neria