A/N: Thank you very much to my reviewers: Aspexit, Destatikai, eolhcsullivan452, Feeny, Zero Sakura Cross, and Reaper's Shadow. :)

Chapter Thirteen

Vaan's sleep was restless, and when he woke up, he had a horrible knot in his stomach. The knot, he was sure, was because of Penelo. He felt terribly guilty. He shouldn't have kissed her. He should have known better, but…

Sighing, he sat up on his bed and rubbed his eyes. It wasn't yet dawn, but knowing Penelo, she would be up with the sun. Maybe she would be willing to talk to him then, though he wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to look at him again.

Something caught his eye, and he blinked as he spotted a piece of paper on his bedside table. Frowning, he picked it up. There were only a few words on it, written in Penelo's neat script, but they pierced him to his core.

I can't stay. Please don't come after me. Then, underneath that, she had written, I'm sorry. There were several spots on the parchment where it looked like tears had fallen.

Vaan stared at the note numbly for several long moments, and then jumped to his feet, racing out his door and facing her room. The door was open, the room empty. He spun around, not quite believing that she could have actually left, but a quick glance of the rest of the apartment showed that Penelo wasn't there. She was gone. She had just left in the middle of the night. It seemed impossible, unfathomable. She was always there. No matter what he did, no matter how stupid he was or how annoyed he made her, she was there.

Please don't come after me.

She had left, and it sounded like she wasn't planning on coming back. Why? Why?

Because she's tired of being put in danger because of me. Because she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Because I'm stupid and I kiss her and never tell her that I--that she--and now she…she's…gone.

Vaan couldn't even begin to describe what he felt at that moment. He had felt loss before, many, many times, and though Penelo wasn't dead, he had a horrible, overwhelming sense of complete and utter loss.

She couldn't be gone. She was his hope, the reason he could face each day. She was his sunlight, his laughter and joy, his promise that life could be worth something. She was his everything. He had always known this, without having to think about it, without having to say it, but maybe if he had, maybe if he had stopped and really told her…

He was moving before he really realized it, crumpling up the note that was somehow still in his hand and throwing it on the floor, grabbing his shoes and pulling them on even as he ran for the door. The moon was out, and the chilly desert night was clear and cloudless. He had forgotten to put on a shirt, and he shivered as the cold wind blew on his bare skin.

When had Penelo left? Where would she have gone? Where would she have felt safe, since she didn't feel safe with him? There were so many possibilities…maybe she had left Rabanastre. The teleport stones were gone, so that left walking, chocobo, or airship. The chocobos weren't for rent during the night, and if she wanted to walk somewhere, it would take a long, long time. Would she have taken the Persephone? No, he knew she wouldn't have tried to pilot it alone. She could have gone to the aerodome anyway and bought passage somewhere. She had wanted to go to the fete in Archades, and surely if she showed up at Larsa's, he would invite her to stay…would she have done that? Or would she have changed her mind about the fete? Maybe she thought she should go see Basch, or Larsa, or maybe she wanted to look for Balthier and Fran...or she could have stayed in the city. She could have gone to Ashe. Ashe would take her in, or help her get passage wherever she wanted to go.

There were so many possibilities, and he stood on the street, torn, before deciding to check the aerodome first. If he went to the palace, Ashe would be able to tell him if she had seen Penelo, but if Penelo had decided to get a flight out of Rabanastre, no one would be able to tell him where she had gone.

He ran, his feet pounding across flagstones, despair threatening to overwhelm him. How long had Penelo been gone? Had he slept the night away while she was getting farther and farther away from him? He was feeling more panicked with each moment that passed. What if Penelo had wanted to disappear entirely and never went to anyone she knew? What if she got hurt? What if she--gods, he was going to kill her when he got a hold of her. What was she thinking? If she was that upset at him, she could have told him! Or hit him, or screamed at him, or whatever! Anything but this.

He was a coward. A coward for keeping her with him. He should be sending her away; he should be walking away, leaving her so that he would stop putting her in danger, but…he couldn't.

His heart was pounding loudly in his ears when he finally shoved into the aerodome, frantically scanning the area for her. There were only a few people waiting for flights, some of them dozing on their seats. He circled the length of the building and saw no sign of her. Breathing hard--more from panic than from his race to get there--he ran to the nearest counter, the one for flights to Bhujerba. "Did you have any flights leave during the night?" he panted.

"Only one, sir," the woman behind the counter said, eyeing him strangely. "It left for Bhujerba about three hours ago."

Would Penelo go to Bhujerba? Honestly, at this point, he hadn't a clue. If she was just running, then she was as likely to go to Bhujerba as anywhere else. "Was there--do you know if there was a girl that got on? About this tall?" Vaan held his hand at Penelo's height. "Blonde hair…probably in two braids…"

"I don't know. This is Rabanastre, sir. There are a lot of girls with blonde hair."

"Do you have any other flights leaving soon?"

"We have one going to Archades in two hours." The woman pointed him to the Archades ticket counter.

Frustrated, Vaan turned from the counter and stared toward the doors leading to the dome. Had Penelo caught that one flight out? Should he get on the Persephone and go to Bhujerba? What was he supposed to do?

Go talk to Ashe first. Maybe…maybe Penelo went there.

He left the aerodome. The sky was beginning to lighten as he ran for the palace, and when he reached the palace gate, he realized he was in trouble. He didn't have the get-into-see-Ashe token; Penelo always carried it. He didn't recognize the guards who came to block his path, either, and they didn't seem at all impressed when he told them he had to see Queen Ashelia immediately. Getting angry and more frustrated with each moment that passed, Vaan said some things to the guards that ended up getting him pressed to the ground, a spear aimed at his back.

He was saved when the guards' superior came to see what was going on, and he, at least, knew who Vaan was. "Let him up, boys. He's one of Her Majesty's companions."

The guards pulled away rather reluctantly. "This kid?" one asked dubiously.

Their superior eyed Vaan rather resignedly. "I'm afraid so. What do you want?" he asked Vaan.

"I need to see the queen immediately. It's an emergency."

The man continued to look at him, and finally said, "I would deny you entrance did I not know your part in helping Queen Ashelia." He motioned Vaan to follow him, and added, "And was Her Majesty not already awake."

Vaan was taken to a sitting room similar to the one he had last sat in with Penelo, and he paced around it anxiously until the door opened and Ashe entered, wearing a long night robe and a pair of slippers. Her bodyguard was behind her, but Vaan ignored him, all his focus on Ashe, who raised her eyebrows upon seeing him. Only then did Vaan realize what a sight he must be, wearing nothing but shoes and a pair of pants, covered with dirt from being pressed to the ground. "Vaan," she said. "To what do I owe this very early morning visit?" Her eyes searched the room, and a slight frown creased her forehead. "Where is Penelo?"

Vaan deflated. "You mean you haven't seen her?"

Concern flashed through Ashe's eyes. "Is she missing?"

Vaan rubbed a hand across his face. "Not exactly."

"Vaan," Ashe said, with barely restrained patience.

"She…left," Vaan said.

Ashe's frown deepened. "What did you do?"

If Vaan hadn't already known it was actually his fault, he would have been insulted. As it was, all he could do was tell her the truth. "I kissed her."

Ashe stared at him for a full ten seconds before she said, "Vaan, how do you get yourself into these situations?"

He did not have time to get into an argument with Ashe. "Look, if she's not here, then I have to go. I have to find her." He moved to step around Ashe, but she held out an arm, blocking his path.

"That might not be the wisest choice, Vaan. If Penelo left, perhaps she simply needs some time alone."

"This is my fault. I'm going to fix it."

"Vaan--"

Vaan shook his head. "I'll let myself out."

Ashe stared at him for a long moment and then sighed. "Be careful."

Vaan stepped past her and her bodyguard, then stopped. "If she does come see you, tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I just want to talk to her."

Despite saying he would let himself out, a guard escorted him out of the palace. Back on the city streets, Vaan stopped, bending over and bracing his hands on his knees. What did he do now? Aside from jumping on board the Persephone and looking for her in Bhujerba…and then Archades…and…he would find her. He didn't know how, but he had to find her.

He took a deep breath and straightened. He would go back to the apartment and grab some supplies. He would go to the fete in Archades the next day, because if there was any chance Penelo was going to be there, then he would be there, too…

He was heading toward Migelo's when a friendly voice called, "Vaan!"

He looked to see Durjin, one of the men from Nomad Village, pulling a cart full of supplies, no doubt on his way to sell and trade at the bazaar.

"Well, there you are," Durjin said, coming to a halt beside Vaan. "What happened to you?" He looked at Vaan in concern. "Are you all right? When I asked Penelo where you were--"

"You've seen Penelo?" Vaan asked, taking an inadvertent step toward him.

Durjin looked even more worried. "I passed her on my way into the city. Just sitting out in the desert by the city walls. She said she was waiting to catch a flight to Archades--"

Vaan recalled the agent at the aerodome saying a flight to Archades was going to be leaving soon. Heart racing, he clapped Durjin on the shoulder and took off, yelling, "Thank you!" over his shoulder. He ran back through the city, and by the time he reached the aerodome, he was sweaty and out of breath. He saw no sign of Penelo inside, and went to the Archades ticket counter, only to find that the flight to Archades was leaving in a few minutes. The passengers were already on board.

Vaan whirled and ran for the dome. He was stopped at the door by one of the aerodome's agents, eyeing him up and down dubiously. "Ticket, please."

"I don't have ticket!"

"Then you need to stand back, sir."

Vaan inhaled a sharp breath. "I don't want to go to Archades. I just want to talk to one of your passengers before--"

"No entry without a ticket, sir."

He suddenly realized that he didn't have his keycard to get into the private area of the aerodome, and he didn't have time to try to convince anyone that he really did have a right to be in the airship dome (and anyway, once he got in there, he wasn't planning on going for his ship). So he simply shoved past the agent, saying, "I don't have time for this!"

Vaan deftly dodged as the man shouted and tried to grab him, running toward the large airship in the middle of the dome--it had to be the right one, because someone was climbing into it with a bag in hand. Out of the corner of his eye, he noted the Persephone tucked into its proper space.

He was being yelled at and chased, but this wasn't anything out of the ordinary, so he ignored it and ran for the airship heading to Archades, jumping past the startled woman getting on board. He found himself in the passenger area, surrounded by startled faces. He had eyes for none of them save one.

Vaan's knees went weak with relief when he saw Penelo sitting next to the window, again dressed in her full-body clothes, her eyes wide as she stared at him. He wasn't sure if she looked so shocked because he looked like he had run out of bed and taken a roll in the dirt (which he had, really), or because she was just surprised to see him. The ticket agent had caught up with him and was demanding he leave the airship immediately. Vaan leapt over several seated passengers and dropped to his knees in front of Penelo. "What are you thinking?" He asked, grabbing her shoulders and barely resisting the urge to shake her. "What are you doing? Why are you--why are you--" Why are you leaving me?

You know why, his inner voice told him. His hands fell off her shoulders, and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing his face into her lap. "Don't." He looked up at her and saw her still staring at him, her eyes filling with tears that slipped silently down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I kissed you and made you upset."

There was a heavy silence as the other passengers stared at them; even the ticket agent had fallen quiet.

"Vaan…" Penelo wiped her face with the backs of her hands. "I can't--please don't--"

"I'll stop sky pirating. I'll stop flying. I'll do whatever you want, Penelo, just please…please don't go."

"Vaan." She was pleading with him, too, pleading with him to stop, to leave, even though she didn't say it. He could hear it in her voice, and he clung to her more tightly.

He didn't care what he looked like, that he probably sounded like a scared kid. He was scared. He was terrified. "I can't." They were the only words he could get out; his throat was uncomfortably tight, and his eyes burned. He hadn't cried since Reks had died, and he fought from letting any tears come to his eyes now. "I can't be here without you. I can't be anywhere without you."

The airship was dead silent, but he didn't care. All he cared about was the girl in his arms.

No, he suddenly realized. The woman in his arms. The woman that he loved more than life itself, the woman who was trying to walk away, maybe forever.

Tears continued to roll down her cheeks, and she pressed her hands to her face. "Vaan." He wasn't sure what emotions were in her voice then. She sounded lost and lonely, struggling for control. She took a deep, shuddering breath and again scrubbed her face with her hands.

Vaan registered the passengers and airship agent watching them with a sort of wide-eyed fascination, and he said, "Just--come with me off the ship. You can get back on if you…if you want, but…let's just talk for a minute?" If he could at least get her to leave the ship, he knew there would be hope in convincing her to come home with him.

She swallowed and looked at him for a long moment before nodding once. Relieved, he finally stood, but slid one hand into hers and pulled her to her feet, holding tightly to her fingers, afraid if he let go he would somehow lose her entirely. They wound their way through the other passengers, past the agent, and out into the aerodome.

Penelo pulled her hand away from his. "You shouldn't have come."

"How can you say that? How could you think I wouldn't come? I'll always come for you!"

Penelo was silent, and she finally whispered, "I'm used."

He frowned. "What?"

"I'm used, Vaan, don't you understand? I wanted--Vaan, all I ever wanted was to be with you. To spend my life with you. All of it. I was just…I was trying to figure out the next step, because we're not little anymore, and we had both changed so much, and I was waiting for you. I was waiting only for you." Her tears were gone, but her voice was broken, and it hurt. It hurt him to see her in such pain.

Vaan stared at her dumbly. "You--" He was missing something. "Wait. What?"

"But he took that from me," she said, and Vaan at least understood the 'he' to be the man who had raped her. "And I'm scared, and I hate it," she continued. "I hate what this has done to me and I always need you and I had to leave because…I came so close to--to--" Her cheeks turned red, and she couldn't quite meet his gaze.

"You're…not leaving because I kissed you? Because I put you in danger?" Vaan said slowly, trying to figure this out. "You're--leaving because you need me?" How did that make any sense at all?

"You shouldn't have to deal with me. I'm just selfish and stupid and I'm always tagging along and holding you back and all I've done lately is make you--"

Vaan still grabbed her into a fierce embrace, cutting off her words. "No," he told her. "I know you shouldn't stay with me because I'm always getting you in trouble, but I still can't…I can't do this. And if you go, then I'll have to follow you and it will just be easier if you stay with me and save me the trouble."

"Vaan--"

"Don't," he said desperately. "I love you." And the words that he had known but never said aloud didn't feel at all strange coming from his mouth. They just felt…right.

She tilted her head up to look at him, staring as though she had misheard him. "What?"

"I love you." Vaan looked down at her for a long moment, loosening his hold on her slightly. "I love you, and I should have said that a long time ago, but I didn't, and then--I didn't know what you wanted. I've been trying, Penelo, but I don't know what to do and I just want--" To make you happy. To keep a smile on your face. To show you that I love you and I need you and I want you. His words stuck in his throat.

He still couldn't figure out the swirl of emotions in her eyes as she pulled away from him. "Vaan…"

"Do you love me?"

For a long, horrible moment, he thought she wasn't going to answer, but finally, she whispered, "Of course I do."

"Then…why can't you stay?"

"I can't do this anymore, Vaan. I can't keep making you unhappy. You want to fly. You need to fly, to be free to pursue the life you always wanted, and I'm the only thing holding you back from living your dreams."

"That's just…that's stupid, Penelo."

"It is not! You think I don't see it in your eyes when you come back from taking the Persephone out? When you look at the sky?"

"It's--you don't understand!"

"What don't I understand? You love flying."

The words were easier to say when he was upset. "Not as much as I love you. What more do I have to do to prove that to you!? I said I'd stay, and in case you didn't notice, I'm not the one running away!"

"I don't want you to spend the rest of your life regretting being with me, Vaan."

What was he supposed to say? He felt like he was going in circles with Penelo; why didn't she understand that nothing in flying or sky pirating would be fulfilling if she wasn't there with him? What more could he possibly do to show her that he was in this for the long haul? That he wanted her more than anything else?

He said the only thing that came to mind. "Marry me."

Penelo blinked several times. "What?" She seemed stupefied for a moment, and then gave a sound that sounded like a half-laugh, half-sob. "It's not just that easy! Maybe once...maybe once it would have been, but things have changed. You can't just ask me to marry you and think that will make everything better!"

"I'm not! I'm just…" Vaan sighed, his shoulders sagging. "I just want to be with you. I just want to stay with you. Just…just come home." Don't leave me alone.

"It's hard," Penelo whispered. "I'm…I can't…"

Damn, she was crying again. All he ever did lately was make her cry.

"I can't…I'm not…I'm…" She wiped at her face. "How can you want to be with me?"

What kind of question was that? Because...for so many reasons. Because she was Penelo. Wasn't that enough?

"I'm…" Penelo took another step back from him, looking down at herself, not meeting his eyes again. "Damaged," she finally managed. "You don't deserve…why would you want…me?"

He finally thought he really understood, and then he couldn't quite believe it. She didn't feel like she was good enough for him. She thought that…what? That she was untouchable? Unlovable? Unworthy? The idea of her not being good enough for him was completely ridiculous. He was the one who didn't deserve her. He didn't know how to explain that to her, though; everything he thought of saying probably would have come out wrong. So he finally said, "Not to me," and held out his hand to her, his eyes begging her to take it, to just come with him.

She searched his eyes, and for a horrible moment, he was sure she was going to turn around and walk back onto the airship. Then something in her gaze shifted, and she let out a long breath. She reached out and grasped his hand, and he could have collapsed in relief. "Okay," she whispered. A small, trembling smile touched the corners of her mouth. "Okay."

As they walked out of the aerodome, he kept hold of her hand. She kept giving him little glances out of the corners of her eye, and finally asked, "Did you really mean it?"

He didn't know which part he was referring to, but he could honestly say, "I meant everything I said."

"About…marrying me?"

He stopped, and she halted beside him, looking at him nervously. It was kind of funny, actually. He had known people who had pulled themselves apart wondering if they should get married, if they were marrying the right person, if they should really take a step like that. But he and Penelo had been teased forever about eloping and honeymoons, and the idea didn't faze him at all. "Yeah."

She kept looking at him for a moment, and then started walking again, squeezing his hand briefly. Vaan realized that though she hadn't said she'd marry him, she hadn't said she wouldn't, either.

And she had agreed to stay with him. Right now, that was all he wanted.

Well, and maybe some food. All this running around had made him really hungry.