Cast Off
Chapter 13
Home

"There's nothing half so pleasant as coming home again." - Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

'Please, Aaron, let's at least try it.'

'I can't put that burden on you, Spencer.' he said. 'It wouldn't be fair.'

'Hotch it's not a burden, it's something I want to carry, if you'll just let me.' Reid said. 'How about we say just for a trial of say two months. Then decide.'

Hotch sighed. In his mind he had decided on the institution for the blind, but his heart said run with Spencer's idea.

'Ok.' he finally agreed. 'Two months, then no hard feelings either way at whatever we decide.'

Spencer beamed. He wanted to throw his arms around Hotch and kiss him. Instead he took his hand in his.

'I'll go to your place and get things ready for you, and then you can come home when you want to.'

So the decision was made. Hotch stayed in the hospital for two more days, and Reid went back and warmed the place up for him. It had been a while since the house was occupied, and Reid opened all the windows and aired the rooms ready for Hotch. He filled the fridge and freezer, and changed the bed linen.

And he advised Erin Strauss what he was doing and got indefinite leave.

This is what he wanted to do – take care of the man whom he loved.

When everything was ready, he headed back to the hospital.

-0-0-0-

Aaron was in a confused state of mind. He was aware of Reid's feelings for him, and sometimes he wanted to reciprocate. Now that Haley was gone, (he still forgot that sometimes).....

He did love Spencer. But not in the way that Spencer wanted. Aaron was concerned that this arrangement might give Spencer the wrong idea about his feelings.

It was only for two months though, and then he would go to the care home institution.

His life was over, and his blank eyes shed tears.

-0-0-0-

Spencer was excited. He longed to have Aaron home with him, and he almost skipped into the ward where Aaron was lying dressed and ready on his bed, eyes towards the ceiling.

Aaron's fingers were almost healed now; Reid took his hand gently, and Aaron sat up on the bed. He silently swung his legs over and stood shakily on the floor. He still walked with crutches; his foot was taking a long time to heal. He put on his shoes and Spencer led him out of the ward to the lift.

'It's not too late to change your mind, Reid.' Aaron said.

'I won't change my mind.' Reid answered. 'I want this.'

Aaron had practiced walking around the hospital floor where his ward was, but all the same he found this frightening, the route unfamiliar and noisy. He wanted to clasp his hands against his ears and curl up on the floor. Reid sensed that Aaron was nervous, and he stopped and put his arm around him.

'It's ok, Aaron. We are almost at the door. The car is just outside.'

It was with a great relief that Aaron sat in the car while Reid put his things in the boot. He was embarrassed at how he reacted, and determined in his mind to act like a Unit Chief, even though he wasn't one any more.

They were holding the post open for six months for him. Dave was Acting Chief, but he had made it clear he would rather be working under Hotch.

Six months.......

The door slammed and Reid started the car. Hotch sat quietly straining his eyes for just a little blur of light. Anything to indicate that this wasn't permanent.

There was nothing of course. The doctors had said that there was a blood clot in the vessel feeding his retinas, and that gradually, the nerves would die. Unless it was temporary. They couldn't tell him more than that.

Please, let it be temporary.....

The once familiar streets were frightening now. Hotch gripped the sides of the seat, a sudden panic seemed to capture him and hold him rigid. He felt Reid's hand on his arm.

There's no need to be scared. Spencer will always be there......

'We're home!' Reid interrupted his reverie. Reid jumped out and went round to Hotch's side and opened the door for him.

'I can open the door!' Aaron snapped, and immediately regretted it. He sat with his head dropped forwards.

'I'm s-sorry, Aaron.' Reid stammered, and handed Hotch his crutches.

'I need to get inside.' he said, sudden panic of being outside and not being able to see. He took the crutches and with difficulty, made his way to the front door of his house. Reid stood back, unsure of what to do. He thought he had it all settled in his mind of how this was going to work, and suddenly he realised that it wasn't going to be easy. Aaron was in a deep depression, and Reid wasn't sure how he was going to handle it. He waited until Hotch reached the door. He watched as he ran his bandaged fingers over the door frame to find the spare key. He found it, and leaning on his crutches, tried to put the key in the door. He tried for a few seconds, and threw the key on the floor in frustration and anger.

Reid picked it up and opened the door. Aaron went inside and allowed Reid to lead him to the couch, where he sat and dropping the crutches to the floor, he put his hands to his face.

'I'm sorry I lost my temper out there, Spencer.'

Reid knelt down in front of him and took his hands.

'Aaron, it's ok. I can't pretend that I know what you are going through. But please, let me help you. Please don't shut me out.'

Hotch held tightly to Reid's hands. 'Don't let me get away with it. If I'm being an ass, just tell me.'

Reid just wanted to take him in his arms and hold him and never let go.

He looked into Hotch's eyes, and saw fear there. It was not something that he expected.

'I'll get your meds.' Reid said, and pulled his hands away.

Antidepressants, pain killers, and mood stabilisers. He looked at the little pile of pills in his hand. How long would this go on for? The antidepressants didn't seem to be working. Aaron was way down.

Only to be expected though. Reid felt a renewed determination to get through this with Hotch, even if it meant never going back to work at the Bureau.

He got water from the fridge and took the water and pills to Hotch. He took them in his hand and swallowed them all together.

'I'll get us some dinner.' Reid said. 'Is there anything you want?'

'You could put the TV on.' Hotch said.

'Ok.' Reid said, switching it on. 'It's re runs of Chicago Hope. Is that ok?' He passed Aaron the remote.

The pain killers had made Aaron Light headed. That always happened when he first took them. He was still in a lot of pain, and was on a high dose. He lay back on the couch and closed his eyes, and listened to the TV.

When Reid came back in with the dinner, Hotch was asleep on the couch. Reid took a quilt and wrapped it around him. He looked so peaceful lying there, Reid kissed him and switched off the TV. He left the remote by Aaron's hand and switching off the lights, went up to bed.

-0-0-0-

Aaron woke up a few hours later, and for a moment, he didn't know where he was. He blinked his eyes and rubbed at them – a ritual on waking – and decided to make some coffee.

He pushed back the quilt and with his arms out stretched, limped his way to the kitchen. He left his crutches by the couch.

He thought he remembered where everything was. He found the kettle, and filled it. Then he found the coffee.

He felt his way round, but was suddenly completely disoriented by the darkness. He felt anger build up in him again, and he fought to overcome it. The kettle boiled, and he held the mug and poured the water. It splashed out of the mug and scalded his hand. He dropped the kettle and everything fell apart.

It was a disaster. He couldn't do anything for himself. He slid down the wall and sat on the floor with his arms around his knees, head resting forwards, and cried.

He was still there in the morning when Reid came down stairs. Aaron's face was red and puffy with crying and his hand was blistered and sore. Reid knelt in front of him and took his hands.

'It's going to be ok, Aaron, I promise you.'

And Aaron reached for Spencer, and they clung to each other in the morning chill.

-0-0-0-

Spencer ran Aaron's scalded hand under the cold tap, and wrapped it in a dry bandage. The led him back into the sitting room, where Aaron laid down on the couch again. Reid brought him some food.

'This isn't going to work.' Hotch said. 'I will call the home today and book myself in.'

'Aaron, you haven't given it a chance. It will get better.'

Hotch gave a shuddering sigh, and put down his plate. 'I need a shower.'

'I'll go turn it on. Come up when you are ready.'

Spencer went upstairs and turned on the shower and got fresh towels and a dressing gown out for Hotch. He was determined to make this work. Hotch was depressed and short tempered, but that was temporary. Reid smiled as he put out shower gel and shampoo for Aaron. Then he heard him coming up the stairs.

'Thank you Spencer.' he said.

'I'll wait down stairs. Call if you need me.'

'I'll be fine.'

Hotch stripped off his clothes and left them in a pile on the floor, and stepped into the shower. The feel of the needles of water beating down on him helped wash away the bad mood he was in. He closed his eyes and pretended he could see, and he leaned on the cubicle wall and let the water beat down on his back.

His back was still scarred from the beating he took. In some ways he was glad he couldn't see the damage the woman had done to his body, but he could feel the scars as he soaped himself. His arm was out of plaster now, but it ached a lot. His hands still hurt, and his foot where he had been shot at point blank range. The doc had said he was lucky not to have lost it, and his arm too, but apart from his eyes, he had pulled through.

He poured shampoo into his hand and lathered his hair. It was getting long now, but there was no need to keep it short any more. He let the shower rinse the soap from his body and hair, and let it massage his shoulders. He needed to get control of his temper. Reid was doing his best, and Aaron needed to give him a chance.

He stepped out of the shower and rubbed himself dry. Reid had left a dressing gown out for him, and he wrapped himself up in it, and went out into the hall. He knew his bedroom was two doors along, and he felt his way along the corridor. He found his room and went in, dropping his dressing gown on the floor and getting into his bed. He was exhausted, and he fell asleep quickly.

The window was open, and his curtains blew in the breeze. Down in the overgrown garden, the early morning sun was evaporating the dew, and crouching low behind Haley's rockery, someone was watching Aaron's every move with a smile.

Soon, Agent Aaron Hotchner..... soon!