The paper is thin and lined with pale blue ink, like the kind we used to use in school. Kilim must have ripped it out of one of his siblings work books. His letters are loopy and rushed, I can remember them from when we were kids and we'd pass notes between the three of us in class. The script seems funnily childlike, considering the large, callused hand I know wrote it.

Angora,

If you're reading this, it means Zanella and I got to you before you left and have already said our goodbyes. Right now I can't imagine what I'm going to say to you but I hope it's alright. I hope it's something warm and nice that will stay with you in the weeks that are coming ahead of you. Whatever I do end up saying I know it won't be enough. You're only allowed an hour for goodbyes and even that amount of time couldn't be enough for everything I want to say to you.

This isn't the format I would have chosen but there are so many things about today I wish I could change so that hardly matters.

There's no way to sugar coat this (though I'm sure Zanella will try), you're leaving for the Capitol to fight to the death. You're going to be up against tributes from all the district of Panem, many who will have been training for this their whole lives and there's nothing I can do to stop it. There's no way I can protect you even I though every inch of me wants to.

When they called your name today my body froze in fear. I literally could not feel my heart beating anymore as you walked up onto that stage, as sure of yourself as ever. Then when they called the guys' names I wanted to volunteer but I just couldn't. As much as I want to protect you in the arena I need to protect everyone here first. They all depend on me and I know you can look after yourself.

I'll look after your folks while you're gone, make sure they're okay and stuff. I'm sure Gauge will do that too but just to be sure. You know how he can get.

You are one of the strongest people I know. You're fierce and protective and so stubborn even I know better than to argue against you. I've seen you scared and overwhelmed and hurt and angry but I've never seen you get defeated or give up, no matter what's in front of you. When my mom died, I thought I was going to lose it but I looked at you, how you keep going on and you gave me strength. You are the best person I know. That's why I know you can make it through this and come back. You're too strong not to.

I love you Angora. I've loved you since before I knew what love meant. I've wanted to tell you since forever but there hasn't been time. I'm sorry that I'm springing this on you now. It's not ideal but now that you're leaving I need you to know. If you don't come back I need you to know how much I care about you, how much it'll crush me for you not to be here. You need to come back, I don't know what I'll do if you don't.

Your friend,

Kilim

I read the letter over again, the paper crinkling in my hand. Kilim loves me? My best friend has hidden this from me for how long! I close my eyes and shake my head, swallowing the anger and sadness that's swelling inside of me.

How dare the Capitol take him away from me! How can they be so cruel as to separate me from my family and friends, to be paraded in front of them and killed for their own amusement? How can anyone be so sick and twisted to actually enjoy the games like the Capitol does? Anger burns white inside of me, melting my insides until I'm no longer a person. It melds itself to the underside of my skin, becoming a part of me.

Kilim loved me and now I'm probably never going to see him again! I have no idea if I feel those feelings but now I don't even have a chance to work through them! There's no point. And what about Zanella and Crin and Caird and my parents and Gauge? How can I have put so much love and time into all these people only to have the Capitol rip them away from me?

All the things I've felt since I was reaped come erupting out suddenly, like a pipe full of steam blowing off its top and searing the air around it. I jump up from the stupidly frilly bed, taking one of the pillows with me. Its fabric is soft and silky, like the top quality stuff I've spent my life dyeing; the life I'll never get back. I rip the pillow open, breaking the simple stitches with the force of my rage. How can they feed my rich food and put me in this decorated room full of stupid pillows and dress me up in fancy costumes like this? Why do we allow this to go on and on, every year? I understand my father's rants now, how he rails against the Capitol for their unfair treatment of the districts. They've taken away my life!

I slide down and rest my head against the bed, feeling my anger slowly dissipate. I take in a slow breath and let it out, feeling my chest contract and expand. There's nothing I can do about it I remind myself. Nothing I can do but get through these games and go back home. My breathe returns to normal and I focus of the feint hum of the room. I close my stinging eyes and crawl back onto the bed, diving under the thick, silky covers. Alternating waves of anger and sadness wash over me until finally I don't feel anything. I accept my fate.

Steadily, I drift off to the sleep for the first time since I left home, my emotions spent and my spirit nearly broken.