DISCLAIMER: I'm not Just Kidding when I say I'm not J.K.(R.)
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Chapter Eleven
Lupin was the secret-keeper of Lily's new location, and he gladly told Severus where she and the boy now resided.
"It's the home where she grew up, Severus," Remus said via the Floo. "She said she'd feel safest there."
So, Severus walked the old sidewalks down three streets until he got to the Evans'. He passed the playground where they'd spent so much of their youth, and he was saddened to see all the playground equipment was rusty and abandoned.
Sooner than later, he rang the bell of Lily's home, as he had done so many times in his childhood and teen years, noticing that the porch light seemed to have gotten lower. Rather, I've gotten taller, he noted. He was very self-conscious of himself at this time, and he smoothed down his immaculate shirt and pulled at his unfamiliar pony-tail nervously.
Will she accept me? Do I look serious? Do I look too serious, like I was trying to dress serious and overdid it? Then he grimaced.
Cripes! There's grass on my shoes! I oughtn't have walked on the lawn.
However, before he could do anything to rectify the matter, The door opened inward, and Severus hung his head, already ashamed for his boldness. I don't think she'll understand, he mused unhappily. I fear she'll keep her grudge.
"Se-Severus?"
He dared to raise doleful eyes to meet those of his beloved. She wasn't looking at him, though, but at the floor. Her eyes were rimmed with red, and she was dressed in a man's dress shirt with the initials J.P. on the pocket.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, apparently not sure whether she should be frightened or not.
Appropriately, she wants proof that I'm not here to kill her. Smart woman.
"I...I came to see you," he said slowly. He forced himself to look at the ground, at his grass-covered shoes. Otherwise, he'd be staring jealously at the monogram on her pyjamas, and she'd think that he was staring at her knockers. "Have people told you anything about me?"
"Lupin said you've forsaken your Death Eaters," Lily replied, sounding incredulous. "He says you've turned spy."
"Yes," he replied. "That's true." Then Severus felt two green eyes focusing on him, and he raised his head to try and meet them--but, in his humility, he failed. "I...owe you," he said softly. And then, he realized that he hadn't meant to say precisely that, and he felt his cheeks grow hot. "The deepest of apologies, I mean. I mean..."
His throat was tight with tears, and as he restrained them, he felt a pain as sharp as if two daggers were plunged in his neck.
His pain seemed to work to his advantage, though, as Lily's hard face softened marginally.
"Come in," she said, kindly but firmly, and he thought how relieved he was that she hadn't slammed the door in his face.
The house was dusty, and he detected the faint scent of mildew. He could taste the graininess of the air on the roof of his mouth. But, the afternoon sunlight shone through the windows hopefully, and he derived strength from it. As he cast his gaze around the place, he realized how much the place had changed so little. The various bric-a-brac and wall ornaments were all just as Mrs. Evans had placed them, once upon a time.
It struck him that Lily didn't invite him to sit down, but she collapsed onto the divan and then proceeded to stare at him long and hard. He recognized that look; it reminded him of better times, fonder times when he thought he could get away with sketchy excuses and didn't realize how fragile their bond of friendship was. I'm about to be put to judgment, he realized, and I do hope I pass the trial.
Finally, Lily stirred herself and asked, her voice still rough from crying, "Why are you here?"
He tried to meet her eyes, but couldn't. "I...I saw recently that you...you were right all along. My friends were of evil temperament. I want you to know, now, I see that."
"I see," Lily said, and he was surprised at the hard stoniness of her voice. "But why are you here?"
"I needed to apologize," he said, and swallowed hard.
"For what?"
She's not making this easy, he saw, but he hadn't expected anything better.
"For putting you in danger...for being a pigheaded idiot and not listening to you...for calling you that name...for abandoning our friendship...for being an absolute nutcase..." He tried again to hold his chin up and meet her eye, but her focus was elsewhere, however, and he let his head droop again, his hair falling across his face.
"I came to offer an apology, Lily," he began again. "I've come to see the error of my ways, and I just thought that I should tell you. I am...worthless, really worthless. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, but...I'm trying."
"Oh, Severus!"
To his immense surprise, she leaped from the divan and put her arms around his torso, leaning her head on his shoulder and sobbing out her heart.
Is...what?
He was quite flabbergasted.
Is this...real? Was it just that easy?
"Oh my goodness!" she raved, and he began to see that she really wasn't fooling him. "I can't believe it! Oh, Severus...oh my goodness...I always knew you'd come back! Oh, I've so missed you!"
He was more stunned than he'd been in years.
Wow. If I knew it was going to be that simple, I'm sure I would have done this sooner! he thought. All I had to do was admit I was wrong and prove I thought so.
Awkwardly, he patted her on the back, feeling his face heat up as he realized that he could feel two soft pressures against his stomach.
She isn't wearing...any support...under her shirt...he mused with intense embarrassment, but then he just smiled. It makes it more real, doesn't it?
And he banished further thoughts on this point from his mind.
She needs me, that's the main thing, he told himself. She needs me, and not (what remains of) James Potter.
She cried on his shoulder for a few minutes, wherein Severus closed his eyes and took in her scent, the feeling of her in his arms, and reveling in both.
It's been so long, he thought. So very long indeed. But, he also noted with a shy grin, I've never held her like this before, from what I can remember. I like it.
Finally, after a point, Lily drew away and collapsed again on the couch.
"I feel so much better now, to know that you're on our side," she said softly. "I was always so worried about you. I..." She paused. "...I can't imagine what it must have been like, to be among such evil people."
Not all of them were 'evil', per se, Severus thought, but their actions were too often driven by selfish motivations. Such is the curse of the Slytherin House, though, and therefore it was acceptable among us. However, he wasn't going to press his luck by arguing, so he maintained his silence, waiting for a suitable place to reply.
"I knew you weren't like them, though," Lily continued, curling up and wrapping her arms around a pillow. "Not you. You may have cared very little for other people in theory, but, when it came down to it, you didn't want to hurt people at all. What..." She had the look of a well-meaning schemer on her face, as though she was interested in testing the waters to see exactly how far he would go beyond his normal reservations.
Five years ago, I wouldn't have responded in kind to her embrace--so she might think--and now that she thinks she's testing my boundaries, she's going to try and push more buttons.
It was irritating, and Severus knew very well that she might hit a few buttons that he didn't want pressed. However, he kept his impeccable composure.
"What were you going to ask?" Severus proposed meekly.
"I was going to ask...did you have to kill people?"
He cast his eyes down in shame. Leave it to Lily to yank out the dirty laundry already. But, he begrudgingly acknowledged, airing out the dirty laundry made for a clean house.
"I...I tried to avoid that as much as possible," he stated, trying to sound as truthful as possible, but he vividly remembered how, in his early days, he had indeed lusted after human blood of some kind. It was only after the first group killing that he realized that the thing wasn't nearly as satisfying as it sounded when the other men talked about it.
She appeared pained when he brought his eyes up to meet hers. "How many?" she asked.
"Not...not many," he said, "but enough to ensure that I won't be going to my Eternal Reward."
"Oh," she replied sadly, and her eyes seemed to well up once more. "My poor dear friend."
"I...I have a confession to make, on that point," he said quietly, sinking down into the nearest chair, hating himself and feeling incredibly worthless. "I...I am indirectly responsible for your attack the other night, once removed from the Dark Lord," he recounted, his face pointing downwards in shame once more. "There was a prophecy, and I heard it, and I told it to Voldemort, and he almost marked you and your son for death as a result."
"So," Lily said, her tears growing cold on her face, "what did the prophecy consist of, Severus?"
Without looking at her, he recited it. The words had stressed and cracked his heart like water in pipes, first swelling him with false pride and then almost breaking him with the pain of causing the death of his loved one.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies...and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not...and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..."
He stopped, shaking his head sadly. "I didn't hear all of it, because Aberforth Dumbledore threw me out, but after I revealed it to Voldemort, he acquired information as to what I missed. I don't know how he got it, but I'm sure it's correct."
Lily seemed to have grown more weary, and she asked, "Did Voldemort knew of the prophecy through you, then, Severus?"
"I admit it," he replied, keeping a close watch on his shoelaces, "but, at the last minute, he decided that Neville Longbottom is the one slated to defeat him--not your son." He heard her whisper Poor Alice and Frank! under her breath. "In theory, because of this, you shouldn't have had such a scare as you've had. But, the Longbottoms protected their son."
"Like I did Harry," she replied, her voice firm. Severus couldn't tell if she intended to take back the forgiveness she'd already spared him, or if she'd let him keep it, with some reservation.
It was just too easy, he bemoaned. Just like me to screw things up for myself.
"Is...is that the reason you came back to us? Because you saw that James and Harry and I might have died?"
He still couldn't tell if her voice's hardness was like diamonds or steel, and he shook his head.
"No. As soon as I saw how the Dark Lord interpreted the information I gave him, I couldn't fight with them anymore. Right now...right now I'm a spy, though, so I've still got to associate with them."
I'm just a sodding, stupid arse. That's not nearly enough to recompense for all the damage I've done over my time as a Death Eater.
"It's not much of a retribution," he went on, miserable, "but it's something."
He felt her gaze on him still, and he dared to glance up at her eyes. They were foggy, and actually not very focused. She appeared to be looking through him rather than at him.
"It is something," she replied, then fell silent.
The quiet was too much after a few minutes, and Severus hurriedly spewed out the first words he could think of to say.
"I'm going with Remus Lupin on a mission to Romania in a day or two, Lily, and I may not come back."
"What?" This startled her out of her reverie. "What did you say?"
"I said," he mumbled, realizing that it was silly to think she would care at that point, "I'm going out of the country on the third."
"Why?" she queried, and he heard her voice was tight. "You say it's with Remus?"
"Yes. Dumbledore's sending him on a dangerous mission, and I've volunteered to go along."
A disconcerted look in her eyes, she nodded.
"Don't talk about it with Dumbledore, however," Severus continued, realizing that he might just have done the wrong thing in telling her, "I...erm...volunteered without him knowing. I'd rather he not know about it, because I'm due to be doing something else for him."
"So instead you decided to go against Dumbledore and aid Remus on his mission?" she replied, clearly puzzled. "Whatever for?"
He could only think of one feasible reason that she might accept. "To...make up for things. It's not much, but I hope I can keep him alive in the territory that he might otherwise not survive in. Besides," he added, rather more amused, "I don't particularly like to follow the Headmaster's orders entirely. I'm my own man, not Dumbledore's Man."
"I see," Lily said, and, for the first time that evening, he saw a wholehearted smile on her face. "I'm so proud of you, Sev. Just...oh my goodness, you've really grown up. I feel..." She suddenly laughed. "I think your mother might feel like I feel right now, if she were alive today."
She feels...motherly towards me? He really didn't like that idea. I want to be her lover, not her son! Besides, I'm older than her. It's not her place to be motherly towards me. But, he realized, examining the flip side, if she loves me like a son, mightn't she come to love me better with time?
It occurred to him thus that he ought to be really grateful for anything he got. I really can't complain at this point. She loves me...to some degree...and Merlin forbid that I ever feel ungrateful for so much! I can be content with merely that.
With that reasoning behind him, he forced a small smile.
"Thank you, Lily," he replied carefully. "It...means the world to me to know that."
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