Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster

I Love You, Man

XXXXXXXXXX

"So then she actually had the nerve to tell the meter reader he was asking for it, or he would have worn a belt!"

Raj rolled his eyes in understanding at Bernadette's story of her new mother-in-law's adventures in hormone replacement therapy. They'd been waiting for nearly two hours. Plenty of time for him to have had a drink or two at the start and still be OK to drive, but their common understanding of the World of Wolowitz made it quite easy to keep the conversation going with a few pointed gestures and facial expressions on his end.

He was about to indicate that Mrs. Wolowitz had done the same thing to him when his phone chimed. As he pulled it out Bernadette's beeped as well. They both looked at each other and stood up. Raj waved Bernadette off when she reached into her purse. She looked like she was about to argue for a moment, then nodded a quick thanks and ran out of the lounge. Raj scanned the room until he found the waiter and walked swiftly over to him.

"Hi. Look, I'm sorry, but I need to pay my check right now. Like, five minutes ago," he said urgently.

The waiter looked at him, clearly annoyed. "Yes, sir. I'll be over shortly." He jerked his head towards the drinks he was carrying and turned to leave.

Raj stopped him again and threw a black graphite credit card on his tray. "Look, I understand but can you hurry it up, please?"

The waiter looked in surprise at the card and back at Raj's clothes. "Yes, sir!" He put down the drinks he was holding and ran off immediately while Raj turned and looked out towards the lobby.

Bernadette was already standing in the center or the lobby, waiting. Amy soon appeared, walking purposefully towards her. Bernadette stepped forward, then hesitated, looking uncertain. Raj watched as Amy stepped up and looked down sternly at her petite friend as Bernadette wrung her hands, obviously apologizing. He was surprised to see Amy grin and shake her head, then bend down and envelop the smaller woman in a big hug.

The waiter returned and handed Raj his card and the bill. Raj hurriedly scribbled his signature and added a tip. He walked out just as Sheldon entered the lobby, looking annoyed. Raj hurried to catch up to him.

"I just saw Amy. Why didn't you come out together?"

"I was arguing with the maître d'," Sheldon said. "I thought they'd added an extra zero to the bill but apparently I should have checked the prices of this establishment along with the geographic orientation. He strongly suggested I choose somewhere else to dine in the future."

"Well, that's nothing new." Raj finished putting his wallet away and walked alongside him. "So, are you OK? What happened? Did it end well?"

"Yes."

Raj wasn't sure what to make of that. He thought a victorious Sheldon would look more… smug. If anything, he looked confused. "How do you feel?"

Sheldon stopped and looked towards the exit. He caught a glimpse of Bernadette's blonde curls as she stepped into the revolving doors. Amy was just about to follow when she paused and looked behind her. She smiled when she saw him looking at her, then turned and disappeared. Sheldon looked back at Raj. He was staring at him expectantly.

"What?"

"Is the Shamy still on?"

Sheldon started walking again. "I've asked you not to use that term. It subsumes our individuality in a way that, if anything, is an argument against the idea of a being in a paired relationship."

"Whatever," Raj said, exasperated. "Are you still a couple? Is Amy still your girlfriend?"

"Of course she's still my girlfriend." Sheldon frowned at him like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I told you everything would be fine."

"You said it would be quick, too. Dude, you were in there, like, forever."

Sheldon sighed. "Must you always resort to hyperbole to make a point?"

"Don't try to change me, man," Raj retorted as he entered the revolving doors. Sheldon bypassed them in favor of the handicap exit. He had no wish to become trapped because a stray piece of gravel became stuck in the track at the wrong moment. They stepped out into the warm evening air and Raj ran a few steps to catch up with Sheldon's longer strides. "So, how did you two, you know, work it out?"

"I should think that was obvious," Sheldon said, keeping his eyes forward. "We talked."

"Did you give her what she wanted?"

"Yes."

Raj grabbed his elbow. Sheldon stopped and gave him a dirty look. Raj pulled his hand away. "You're kidding me! You two are going to get your freak on?"

"Don't be crude, Raj." Sheldon started to move forward, then hesitated. "That was a crude remark, correct?"

"Yes."

"Hmm. 5 for 10 this month, my average is improving."

"Yeah, yeah. Good for you. So what are you going to do to her? With her? Why don't you look upset?"

"Why should I be upset?" Sheldon answered as they approached Raj's car. "She gave me everything I wanted as well."

Raj stopped again as Sheldon continued walking to the passenger side door. "How the hell does that work?"

"Raj, I'm really not in the mood to give you a blow by blow of the proceedings. If you had your own relationship to concentrate on I'm sure you wouldn't be so interested in mine."

Raj glared at him. "Need I remind you that I brought you here tonight as a favor?"

Sheldon shook his head indulgently. "You don't need to remind me of anything. I'm incapable of forgetting anything. Need I remind you that you stated that you had nothing better to do?" Sheldon snapped the locked handle on the car impatiently. "Now can we please get going? I have some typing to do before bedtime."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Leonard waited nervously while he forged some new armor in Skyrim, but his heart wasn't in it. Raj had texted him a quick BRB but that was all he knew. He looked up at the sound of the key in the door and quickly shut down his game. Sheldon came in and walked straight over to his computer while Raj followed behind and shut the door. Leonard looked at Sheldon and walked over to Raj, more reassured by Raj's expression than Sheldon's silence.

"No melt down?"

Raj shook his head. "No. But you still owe me."

Leonard waved his hand distractedly as he watched Sheldon pull out his paperwork. "Sure. No problem. So what happened?"

Raj shrugged. "I'm not sure. He says she gave him everything he wanted."

Leonard looked back at Raj and creased his eyebrows in confusion. "You're kidding. Then why did she do all this in the first place?"

Raj shrugged again and shook his head. "He says he gave her everything she wanted as well."

Leonard looked at Sheldon, then back at Raj. "How the hell does that work?"

"I don't know." Raj frowned then lifted his eyebrows as an idea came to him. "Maybe he actually did learn how to negotiate?"

"Trust me. The only thing he learned from all that crap was how to shove his own head up his ass."

"I can hear you, you know," Sheldon interrupted.

"We know," Leonard said.

"Well, I don't understand it," Raj said. "I thought I knew what this was all about but… I don't know. Look, can I have a carrot or something for the road? I ate so much sugar while I was waiting for him my mouth is tingling."

"Yeah, sure," Leonard said, stepping out of the way. "Feel free."

"Thanks." Raj walked over to the kitchen stuck his head in the refrigerator. He grabbed a baggie of baby carrots and walked back towards the door. "I'm not as young as I used to be. I remember the days when I could slam Pixie Sticks without worry."

Sheldon glanced over at him as he walked behind him. "You know you risk asphyxiation with no hope of rescue if you eat those while driving."

"I'll take the risk, Sheldon." He turned back to Leonard. "See you tomorrow, dude."

"'Night, Raj," Leonard answered as he held the door.

Raj leaned back into the room just as he stepped out and called out "You're welcome, Sheldon."

Sheldon looked over and grunted, then returned his focus to his computer screen as it finished booting up.

Leonard shut the door and walked slowly over to Sheldon. He stood over his shoulder and leaned down. "So, Sheldon. How ya doin'?"

"Fine," Sheldon said, keeping his eyes on the screen.

"How's Amy?"

Sheldon briefly touched the Relationship Agreement to align it with the edge of the desk, then looked back at the computer. "I don't know about right now but as of twenty minutes ago, fine."

"Still dating?"

Sheldon finally turned to look Leonard in the face. "Leonard, if you wanted real-time updates on the matter you could have been the one to take me to the hotel."

Leonard stepped back in chagrin and bounced on his toes. "Right, sorry. You were just acting so stup… stubborn." Sheldon turned away from him and watched the icons on the computer screen pop up as the boot up completed. "I'm always here for you though, if you need me," Leonard added. "You know, if you're in the mood to admit you need me."

Sheldon ignored the quasi-apology and opened up his file directory. "Well could you be elsewhere right now? I have to type these revisions up before bedtime."

"Yeah, sure," Leonard said, and turned to walk away to his room. He got about halfway there when Sheldon called after him.

"Leonard, wait."

Leonard stopped and turned back. "Yeah, buddy?"

"About what you told me at Bob's Big Boy…"

Leonard stepped back towards him. "Uh huh?"

Sheldon paused and frowned. He looked like he wanted to say something important. "I know you were lying to that waitress. Your food was awful, wasn't it?"

Leonard stopped and shook his head ruefully. "Yeah, you got me."

Sheldon paused again, then turned back to his desk and opened up the agreement. "You can go now."

Leonard shook his head again and left to get ready for bed.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Howdy, stranger."

Raj looked up in surprise at the familiar voice and was met with the equally familiar grin of Howard Wolowitz. "Hi!" he said, standing up. Raj had wanted him to come by his office on his own, but had given up on the new superstar actually doing it.

Howard slipped into the office and closed the door behind him. "Sorry to bug you. I know you've been busy but I really wanted to see you."

"I've been busy?"

"Look, I know it's not your style to just come down to the lab when you know a bunch of other people are gonna be there. I mean, thanks for being so understanding about it. I know you don't want to make it look like I'm just hanging out with my friends instead of working but I'm just… I'm kind of sick of it. I mean, I can't have lunch with my own friends, and even if I could I really just want to hang out with you for once." Howard sat down on the corner of the desk. "Look, I faked an appointment with the Mars Rover team so I can get out of the lab this afternoon. Do you think you could take a late lunch and meet me at the park?"

Raj frowned. "I'm not sure I can pull it off, man. Sheldon really has been riding my ass lately. I just got my office privileges back. You know I'll be there tonight. I'm not the one who's been cancelling."

Howard rubbed his thighs and sighed. "I know but, I really want a chance to talk to you without everyone else around. Can you swing it for me? Please?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Raj walked up to Howard where he sat on their old girl-watching bench. Even if he had just been walking by, Howard was impossible to miss with his NASA windbreaker draped over the side of the bench and his reflective aviator glasses on.

"Not exactly going incognito, are you?" Raj said as he sat down next to him.

Howard took his glasses off and grinned at him. "I got some brownie points I can use up if I get caught. The trick was getting out of there in the first place. I got Wil to cover for me in case they call the Rover team looking for me. He owes me one. Well, a lot more than one. But still…"

"Wil Wheaton? Isn't he just their spokesperson?"

"Yeah, but he hangs out there all the time," Howard said, waving back towards the complex. "He thinks space is cool. But who doesn't, you know?"

Raj snorted. "You don't need to tell me how cool space is. I was an astrophysicist long before you became an astronaut."

"I know, I know. Anyway, we never got a chance to really talk after the wedding. Everything was so rushed. I want you to know I really appreciated all the work you did to make it memorable, and I know things are going to be different from now on, and that maybe I can't be your wingman anymore, but you'll always be my brother as far as I'm concerned. So, in honor of the past…" Howard held out his NASA windbreaker out to him, holding it open and displaying the back to him.

Raj frowned. It was going to take a lot more than a windbreaker to make up for being such an ass hat lately. "Thanks, dude, but even if it would fit me, it's not really my style."

"Ah, but wait." Howard made a flourish, whipped back the jacket, and in his hands was Raj's authentic Patang New Delhi Indian fighting kite. Given to him by his favorite brother, to whom he'd never had the heart to admit he'd lost it.

Raj took it reverently. "You broke into Sheldon's room?"

"Nope. Got it back fair and square. Feel free to take it out in the daylight."

"But how did you get past his 'meaning of competition' and 'descent into anarchy' nonsense?" he said as he checked it over for damage.

"I took his Mego Mr. Spock action figure into space along with Bernadette's necklace and got a picture of a 'real' astronaut holding it. Everyone has their price."

Raj looked back at Howard and grinned. "Thanks, dude. This really, really means a lot to me."

Howard shook his head modestly. "You know, there were several times over the last month when I was sure I was gonna die, hell, I heard Mission Control was actually laying bets on it."

Raj blew air past his lips and looked in the other direction. "Oh, I'm sure they were just pulling your leg."

"I know, but it didn't feel like it at the time. And it really does make you think." He put his hand on Raj's shoulder and squeezed. "I'm sorry for all the times I let you down, buddy. If you ever need anything from me, all you gotta do is ask."

"Thanks. It's nice to hear that," Raj said, blinking back tears. "You know, there is one thing you could do for me right now."

Howard smiled and held his hands out. "Name it."

"What was Moonraker like?"

Howard stared at Raj as the blood drained from his face. He bent over and shook his head to clear it. "She told you?" he asked incredulously.

Raj leaned back and shook his head dismissively. "She didn't know I knew what it meant. But come on," he nudged him with his elbow. "That's one of your top ten fantasies, am I right?"

"Yeah, but…" he leaned forward and lowered his voice. "OK, in the first place, you realize you're asking me to talk to you about my sex life with my wife?"

"You expect me to believe that's a problem for you?" Raj asked.

"Yes. Well…" Howard looked briefly at the ground then back up to Raj. "Maybe not, but…"

"Yes?"

"In the second place…" Howard closed his eyes.

Raj blinked and cocked his head at him. "Are you having trouble getting your mom out of the house?"

"No. Ma was out with her bridge buddies last night. We had the place to ourselves 'til midnight."

"So?"

"Look, she was so bummed out when she came home that she got caught that I almost felt guilty when I told her 'Told you so'. But even though I knew it was a stupid thing to say before I even said it, it didn't piss her off. She just grabbed my hand and started pulling me down the hall saying 'Let's get this over with' and…"

"And?"

"And I let her off."

"'Til the weekend?"

"Until forever."

"You're joking."

Howard shook his head. "It turns out, once you get used to a girl actually enjoying having sex with you, the idea of her just going through the motions is kind of a turn off."

"Holy cow, dude! She really has made you a better man."

"Well… That's one way of looking at it. Another is that my subconscious is so full of self-hatred it's finding new and interesting ways to keep me from getting laid. Still, the streak was good while it lasted."

"Well, this is still a pretty exciting time for you both. Are you still going to look for your own place?"

Howard grimaced. "We're supposed to start looking this weekend."

"That's good right?"

"Yeah, I just don't see a way to do this and make everybody happy."

"You'll figure it out."

"Well, it won't be easy. And it's going to take up a lot of my time. But even if we can't hang out for a while, we still have Comic Con to look forward to."

"I thought you used up all your vacation?"

"I did. But I'm calling in sick," Howard said resolutely. "We are not missing it."

"Bernadette doesn't mind?"

"She knows we do it every year and it's not like she can just tag along like during our gaming marathon. They sold out in less than an hour this year. It's impossible for her to come. You'll see. It'll be great. Just us guys."

"I guess," Raj said doubtfully. He'd still be the only one without someone to come home to.

Howard knew what he was thinking. "Don't get me wrong, buddy. I know things are different. And they're going to stay different. But you're still my best friend, even if we can't pick up chicks together anymore."

"Anymore? How often did that actually happen without money being exchanged?"

"You know what I mean. So…" Howard held out his hand. "Friends?"

Raj grabbed it and shook it. "To the end. I'm glad you're back, dude."

"Me too," Howard said as they stood up to leave. "I'll see you tonight."

"You'd better."