BYAKUYA
I walked into my room and closed the door. The day had turned out rather enjoyable. I lay in my bed and carefully recounted the entire days happenings. Something that kept bothering me though was that rabbit toy.
When I was sure that Rukia was sound asleep in her room I climbed back into my gigai and opened the Senkaimon. It didn't take me long to find the stall. My cheeks burnt in embarrassment as I paid the grinning old bat of a worker.
"You came to try your luck for that girlfriend of yours, ey? What number do you choose? Only twenty cups left, I fear this fellow has beaten the day and no one will walk away with him." He said in humour. I narrowed my eyes and pointed to the cup labelled number six. I had a one in twenty chance and while thirteen is admittedly an unlucky number, six was not. Most of the numbers considered as lucky were already gone so my guess was to choose a number that was neither here nor there.
"Let's see what we- Ah! So, someone has finally gotten the better of you, eh Bitter rabbit?" He said as he reached up to the rabbit sitting on a high stand. He peeled the 'winner!' stickers off of its ticket and stuck it carefully onto the rabbit's merchandise tag.
"You must really love your girl to come back here for this guy, I can only imagine your embarrassment if you lost! And now you get to walk through the crowd with a sad bunny, mind you a lot of ladies are into men like you." He told me and winked.
"Thank you." I said coldly and walked away from the stand quickly. Once I found a secluded location I opened the Senkaimon and walked back into my room. I could see the light on in Rukia's room signalling that she had woken up. I put my gigai to rest and slid open my door. I placed the rabbit toy gently down in front of her door and knocked twice before returning to my room and closing the door.
I almost jumped out of my skin when an ear shattering screech sounded from the passage way. I turned around debating if I should see if she was alright or not but before I could I heard loud footsteps running to my room. My door almost slid off its hinges! And she leapt at me in lightning speed! She secured her legs around my waist and hugged neck, pushing my face into her neck.
"Thank you! I can't believe you went back for it! Hell, I can't believe you won! And it was number six the whole time! I knew it had to be a division number!" She chattered excitedly. I smiled and hugged her back. She was behaving indecently, but I could forgive her excitement this once, especially considering the last time I told her off she let me.
"Well…I though that our time was spent rather well except for the moment where you didn't win the rabbit. I hoped to erase the sadness on your face from my memory by giving it to you. Though I can't understand why you wanted such a sad toy so badly. Its broken heart saddens me." I told her honestly.
"I don't think of it as 'broken'. It's like me. That's why I wanted it. My heart belongs to so many people, from our world and the world of the living. I don't think of it as broken, but rather as two loves that can't join. It doesn't mean I will be unhappy just because I can't have everyone I want with me together all the time. One side on my heart is yours and the other belongs to my friends. See, its not broken, and you even got the larger portion, aren't you lucky!" She explained to me and teased me slightly.
"I should hope so! Many humans gave me strange looks to walking around with a stuffed toy!" I said and covered my eyes with the back on my hand dramatically, peeking out at her from the side when she laughed.
"Thank you Byakuya." She said softly and kissed my cheek before jumping off of me and walking to my door. My cheek was on fire!
"I think I will call him Byabunny, in honour of his daddy." She said and I flushed.
"Daddy?" I asked her carefully. She nodded brightly and hugged the toy to her chest, only peeking out over its head.
"You saved it for me so that makes you it's dad. I can't possibly be a dad so I have to be its mother." She said teasingly and stuck her tongue out at me teasingly before running back to her room. I resisted the urge to chase her. Some things never change. I wished for the first time that I had met her before Hisana. I stilled at the thought. I never really compared them to each other but, I have never thought of Rukia in such a way before. As someone I could have ever been with.
I decided that these thoughts were useless to me anyway. I would always have her with me if fate permitted it and that was enough. We are finally friends. Family. I would never do anything to upset our relationship with each other in any way. If I had met her first…
I was tired, thinking such stupid thoughts. Being close to another person after so long must be affecting me badly. Especially since she is a girl. I have starved myself of love for so long that now that I have some of it, I want all of it. And that would be unfair to her. And what would society think of us? How many more ways can I shame the family?
I couldn't say that I true was romantically interested in her anyway. She was very attractive, talented, fiery, full of life and excitement, she was wild and untamed in many ways, she refused to fully conform to the nobility I have granted her and remains her same self as she was when I found her.
I lay with my eyes closed trying to sleep but more and more thought kept my mind awake. She played the piano beautifully. I have never heard or seen something so beautiful in my entire life. Or have I? perhaps I have, but again, it would probably be something to do with her. The way she touched the eyes so sensually, so passionately. How could she think that she was anything less than perfect? I know Kurosaki teased her about her singing, I am told that human boys tease girls they are interested in. Perhaps it was a similar case. I would try to find an instrument worthy of her and dedicate a room in the main house to her learnings.
I can't believe what she can make be do. If anyone had seen me today, I would e forever shamed! Stripping bare for a strange woman to massage me. She wasn't even good at it! Rukia did it professionally. And I am sure that that man had perverted thoughts while he massaged Rukia. And the sounds she made! Gods! So indecent! His massage couldn't have been that good any way if it was anything like mine.
The food in the world of the living was incredible! My mouth began watering at the mere thought of the friendship dish called Sukiyaki. The meat and vegetables were perfect! The broth was tasty and delicious! I felt shamed at first to eat the Yakitori with my hands but it too was delicious! I stopped and swallowed my thoughts right there. Food such as that wasn't meant for our people. This is why we shouldn't have spent too much time in the world of the living, growing materialistic and attached to things that weren't supposed to exist in our world. Technology and all those human foods and drink were for the mortals, not the souls.
I still couldn't believe that Rukia could already read me so easily. She anticipates my thought, my needs and then offers them to me. I never thought I would be made so happy just for some one to know me. I felt myself smile in my sleep and silent tears ran down my temples. Happy tears. Someone who is always alone, doesn't know how to fear loneliness, because they are the embodiment of that fear, the fear of loss and solitude. Having someone close to me like this made me unbelievably happy.
So, she wanted the rabbit because it reminded her of herself? I still don't see it. But I could understand a bit of what she said, as long as more of her love was for me than for others I could be happy. I wouldn't slack in my duties as a captain, or as the head of the family. I will strive to do my best and make her proud of me. I warm feeling flooded my chest.
I turned around to try and get a better position for sleep. But my thoughts continued to disturb me. A kissing booth? For charity? Surely, they had other ways of raising funds, why do something so demeaning? And the nerve of that silly human girl! Defiling me in such a way! And Rukia found it amusing! She even kissed two strangers! And on behalf of Kurosaki no less! Will he never cease causing trouble for me, even from the grave?!
And when we shared a bath at the spring. Why didn't she leave? I should have left if she didn't. the realisation did nothing to make me feel better. Letting such a dangerous situation take place was terrible judgement on my part. And something worse than an accidental kiss could have happened if she had let me massage her in return. It had been many years since these strange feeling troubled me, and the first time I paid attention to them led me to nothing but trouble.
That was bad enough at the spring, but after hearing her play, after watching her, I just wanted to hold her, connect with her somehow. I kissed her forehead, and I knew that it was over the top. She didn't pull away or act disgusted, she didn't act like it mattered at all really and that is probably for the best. Then she kissed me. It was out of gratitude, similarly to mine, but hers felt a lot warmer. I thought about offering her a side of my bed for the night but I decided it was better now to fuel my foreign thoughts and feelings.
I loved being care for by her. I wanted her to care even more about me. I knew it was a pipe dream though. At best I will end up like Abarai, pining for eternity. And what's more shameful is that not three months have passed, I know he has moved on. I remember what he told me, but I don't think trying to move on with Rukia is what he meant.
I finally began dozing off. Byabunny, huh?
RUKIA
Days passed quickly and it was already Friday. I didn't tell Byakuya that I planned on shopping in the morning before we left for the evening get together. I needed to get Orihime a gift for her baby shower in just two weeks' time. I intended to get something for her and for the baby of course. Which led me to horrible thoughts about my own baby that I lost because of my own recklessness. Didn't that make me just as bad as Hisana? My mother? Were we truly so alike that we killed our own children before they could live?
I sat down at the dining table next to Byakuya and looked at my food. I honestly didn't feel like eating at the moment. I have been avoiding the fact that I was going to be a mother for long enough. I didn't want to think about or accept that it was true because that hurt me in many ways. Seeing Orihime so happy expecting her own baby even if the father, the man she loved was dead made me feel even worse.
I was happy for her and her family, our friends. It only made me hate myself more for the injustice to my own unborn baby of only a few weeks. I could have let someone stronger, someone more capable of killing that arancar go out and do the job for me, but honour and suicidal thoughts made me go myself. Made me give up, try to throw my life away. A life was thrown away, alright. An innocent life that I was supposed to protect.
I noticed that I was staring at my cold plate of breakfast and that Byakuya was looking at me in concern.
"I'm sorry, I was spacing out. Did you say something?" I asked politely. He looked at me carefully and nodded.
"Yes, are you feeling unwell? Why are you already dressed to go out? I wasn't aware we were doing anything earlier than the evening. Perhaps if you are feeling unwell you should stay home and rest." He suggested kindly. I felt terrible and guilty for not including him in my plans but I needed to be alone. I didn't know if I would need to fall apart and even though I loved him and trusted him it because it was him that I couldn't let him see me like that.
"I'm fine, don't worry. I didn't tell you because I need to buy something for Orihime and the baby for the baby shower in the coming fortnight. I didn't think you would be interested in baby shopping since the elders are always at your throat about children, and honestly, I think I need to be alone for a while to do what I need to do. I will be fine by the time we need to meet them, but until then I just need so time." I told him as I looked down at my unappetising food. I pushed my plate away from me and shifted in my seat.
"Forgive me, but you do not sound 'fine' this morning. I will accompany you." He said softly. I know he meant well but he didn't understand that I wanted to be alone.
"No. Please understand. I need to be alone. Shopping for baby things is difficult for me now. I don't want company. I want to do what I have to do by myself, quickly and efficiently and then be alone to deal with…things, without any eyes on me." I told him gentry but seriously. His eyes widened a fraction and he put his hand over mine. I left it there before drawing my hand into my lap.
"I didn't know, I'm sorry." He said softly. I bit my lip a little bit.
"It's alright, I'm fine really. I don't plan on being there any longer than I need to be. I will do my shopping and then come home. I don't think I will feel like company for a while though, I hope you understand? I don't know how to deal with this at all, I just feel like I need to do it alone, after all it was my fault." I told him with a small hint of bitterness and sorrow.
"Nothing was your fault Rukia." He said and looked like he was going to say more but I glared at him. My sudden animosity probably caught him off guard.
"It was my fault." I snapped angrily. I clenched my jaws and got up from my seat.
"I'm sorry, please excuse me." I said softly and bowed respectfully. I was ashamed with myself for snapping at him. Yes, I was at fault, I was to blame. Yet I snapped at him in anger that was directed towards myself. Once I was away from the dining room I ran to my room and closed the door quietly. I took a few steadying breaths to calm myself. Kon was startled and I had to reassure him that I was alright.
I looked at myself in the mirror. A tight navy long sleeved winter velvet dress that Ichigo had bought me, with tights. The clothes be bought me must have cost him a fortune. I loved him so much and I missed him. I could have talked to him bout Hisana, about the baby, about everything. He was so kind and caring. We did love each other and the romantic feelings always lingered just below the surface. I decided thought, that even if Ichigo came back to me I wouldn't ever start another romantic relationship unless I was certain that I was in love with the man. Loving him wasn't enough, wanting to be with him forever without regret is what I wanted to feel. I felt that way about Ichigo for sure, but not in the way where we sleep together kind of way.
Once I was calm, I put on my flat black pumps with cute little black bows on them and wrapped a silver synthetic fur scarf around my neck. I kept my hair down because it was supposed to be cold today in the world of the living. I picked up the cell phone pouch I bought for Kon that hung around my neck and slipped it on and him inside, as well as my credit cards.
I looked at myself once more in the mirror. I was alright. I could do this. I nodded and opened the Senkaimon. I walked out of an ally in the world of the livings mall district and looked around me. It was quite busy today. I took a deep breath and started walking around. I suddenly realised that I didn't know a place that sold baby thing or maternity things. I decided to go into the clothing store that I bought my dresses from for the funeral and ask one of the assistants if they had any or knew where I could get some.
"Hi, I was wondering if you sold clothing for mothers to be?" I asked an assistant that I hadn't seen before.
"Oh, I'm sorry we don't stock clothing like that here, you may want to look at the store on the other side of town called 'Mommy and Me'." She said and I cringed at the name. I thanked her and left for the other side of town. It wasn't as safe as this part of town but it wasn't dangerous for someone like me. I could still use my Kido in this gigai if worst came to worst am I'm sure that a store selling mother and baby merchandise shouldn't be in a dangerous place, or else it would dramatically lose business.
When I found the store, I walked in without paying much notice to the pregnant manikins or advertisement pictures with pregnant woman or woman with babies. I walked straight to the clothing isle. It occurred to me that Orihime's already large breasts would probably be even more ginormous now that she was having a baby. It would be best to get two sizes bigger and kept the slip in case she needs to exchange it for a different size.
I ended up getting her a dress, a coat and a lactating device used for helping the mother extract milk for filling bottles. It seemed like a good one, at least it said easy and pain free. I walked to the baby section. There was honestly no telling how big the baby would be when it was born and I still didn't know the gender of the baby so I couldn't shop gender specific.
I found clothing suited more or less for the age of the baby. They should have clothing for a new born so I bought a Babygro for one month, two months and three months. The difference in size was astounding! How could a baby grow that fast!? I sighed and looked at the baby accessories. Money was an issue for them so I decided to buy the baby a stroller since Orihime would also appreciate not having to use hand me downs if Isshin even still had the ones he used with his kids. As I was walking away I saw a set of three adorable bunny shaped dummies and smiled softly. I picked them up and added them to the trolley. I walked to the tills and waited behind a young mom her mother and her baby in a stroller.
The baby looked at me and smiled. I bit my lip. I all of a sudden felt like I was going to burst out crying. Im just going to ignore them, pay for these things and leave. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted wrapping paper. How could I forget? I quickly picked up two rolls and added them to my things. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the baby was still looking at me intently. I refused to look at it a second time.
The family just finished paying for their items and moved the strolled away and towards the door when the baby started crying. The sound felt like a thousand knives in the heart. I would never get to hear my baby crying because it was dead. Because of me. I held a hand to my mouth to try and restrain a sob. I closed my eyes and collected myself. I took a deep breath and handed over my credit card.
I didn't have a car to take my trolley to, not that a car could get me home so when I was sure no one was watching me I opened the Senkaimon and went straight into my room, trolley and all. I unpacked my goods and exit the Senkaimon only to put the trolley back before returning to my room. Should I show Byakuya what I got before I wrapped it? No, I don't care if he would have wanted to see it. I didn't want to look at it! I took photos to show him if he asked and quickly wrapped my gifts prettily. Once I was done I changed into my nightwear and got into my futon. I just needed to rest.
I could feel Byakuya's spiritual pressure surround my room worriedly. I spread my own around myself protectively. He was trying to get a read on my feelings without asking me or seeing me. Then I heard a soft knock on the door.
"Yes?" I answered with my head under the covers. The door opened slowly and someone walking in if only a little.
"Would you like for me to send for some tea? It might make you feel better. You didn't eat this morning either and you need to eat something." Byakuya suggested silently.
"Thank you, but I'm not hungry. I wouldn't mind having some tea though." I said softly from under the covers. Honestly, I hadn't shed a tear but my eyes burnt from dryness and my throat was hot and sore.
He walked out of my room and called a maid. It wasn't long before he joined me in my room. He brought a sitting cushion so that be could sit beside my bed. It was silent and I honestly didn't feel like looking at him at the moment. I still felt incredibly guilty.
"Would you like to see the photos of the items I bought?" I asked him from under the covers. He said he would so I took a deep breath and sat up in my futon. I took my cell phone from beside me and found the pictures, I gave him the phone and he smiled slightly.
"I like your taste." He said when I showed him the rabbit onesies and dummies. I snorted softly and a maid came in and placed a tray with a tea pot, two cups and my favourite dumplings in front of me. I looked at Byakuya accusingly but he only smiled. The maid poured our tea for us and Byakuya dismissed her.
After a while of being stubborn I reached for a dumpling and glared at him, daring him to say a word as I bit into it. He just smiled like his all-knowing self.
"I never want to go into another mother and baby store ever again. I think I just traumatised myself more." I told him. His smile left his face and he looked at me sadly.
"Rukia. I don't want to upset you but you should know that I was there the night you lost the baby. I followed you into the world of the living, in fact I entered before you so that I could track you. I intended to let you seek your revenge but only help you if you needed it, unfortunately I was too late. I am just as much to blame as you are. If you intend to blame yourself then you must blame me as well because I could have saved you this misery if I had stepped in sooner or let you die. However, I am selfish and I saved you because I needed you." He told me sadly and looked at his cup. Tears started streaming down my face and I wiped at them frantically.
"Don't, please don't do that. The blame is mine. You once blamed the arancar but he wasn't to blame, and neither are you. It was my own fault that my baby died. I honestly intended to die you know. I didn't sense you or anyone near me, I thought I could start a fresh new life away from all the agony of the lost loved ones I had. I didn't think about the possibility of being pregnant because Renji and I were only together once. It didn't seem likely. And I didn't think of you because I thought you wouldn't care that much and that it would be better for you if I did die. I was so busy thinking of myself that I didn't think out the repercussions if I survived. I didn't know that there was another life depending on me for safety and protection. I am no different from Hisana, a terrible excuse for a mother that murdered her own baby!" I yelled into my hands as I covered my eyes and cried.
I crawled back under the cover of my futon and pulled it over my head. I didn't want him to see me cry and I didn't want to say something hurtful to him again. I sniffed and swallowed through my tight, sore throat. I heard him moving the tray and assumed that he was moving it to the door for the maid. I hoped he would leave but he came back and knelt on my bed. He tried to pull back the covers.
"Please leave me alone. I don't want you to see me cry. I am a terrible person and I deserve this." I said sorrowfully and tightened my hold on the covers over my head. He sighed and I felt his weight lift off of my futon. I trembled and waited for the sound of my door closing that never came.
A weight pressed down on me from behind me and an arm hugged my waist over the covers. I wiped my tears from under the covers and tried to dislodge myself from under his weight. It was comforting but it was also wrong and quiet alarming.
"What are you doing Byakuya? I know you are trying to help me but I told you that I would feel better if you left me alone for a while. Please leave. I'm sorry for being mean to you this morning and I'm sorry if I am being rude now, but please but give me the space I ask for?" I pleaded with him. He didn't move except for the stroking on my ribs that he was doing with his thumb.
"You shouldn't do this you know. Its not proper and you are only making me more dependant on you for comfort that you shouldn't give." I told him threateningly. His thumb stopped moving and his body stiffened from behind me. I waited for him to move away from me. When he didn't move an inch, I turned around to face him and pulled the covers away so I could face him. I knew my eyes were probably red and puffy as well as my nose but I couldn't care less. Knowing what was going through his mind was what was more important at the moment.
He looked into my eyes and countless thoughts passed through his eyes. We both knew I was right. We didn't have that kind of relationship and if we did it would cause nothing but trouble.
"Do you want me to leave?" He asked me softly. That is what I have been telling him! Begging him! To please leave me alone! Angry tears filled my eyes and I pulled my arm out from under the covers and squeezed it under his arm and hugged him, pressing my face to his chest. I shivered violently. His arm dropped lower to embrace me properly. I took a trembling breath.
"No. Stay with me. Why are you so loving to me when you know that I have done something so horrible? You know this isn't right, right? You know that I am becoming too dependant on you?" I asked him through the tremors that raked through my body like blizzard winds. He hugged me more tightly.
"I am loving to you because that is all I can be to you. How can me comforting you when you need me be wrong? Depend on me all you want, I don't mind." He told me soothingly. I shivered and pulled my face up to meet his.
"You don't mean that. Or you don't know that that means." I told him sadly and he looked at me confidently.
"I do." He told me and I clenched the back on his kimono.
"There are ways that you can't be there for me. You know that." I told him, quickly calming out of my stricken state so that I could pay better attention to the elephant in the room. He hugged me tightly.
"I will try." He told me and I shook my head. I pulled my arm back from around him and touched his cheek gently. I closed my eyes and brought my lips to his in a real kiss. It was short, but it was a definite crossing of the boundaries, if we had any to begin with.
"I have done enough terrible, unforgivable things to last a lifetime, I don't want to ruin our relationship. I refuse to be with someone I am not one hundred percent sure that I am in love with again. I love you, so much. But I can't do to you what I did to Renji and I can't stand being like Hisana in any more ways that I already am. I refuse to hurt you in any way if I can help it, so please, don't make me need you in a way that you can't be there for me." I told him and tuned away from him pulling the covers back over my head and letting a new flood of tears fall from my eyes. I couldn't look at him right now. I feared what I would see in his face.
He didn't move. He stayed there holding me until I stopped crying, until the tremors stopped. I was beginning to believe that he had fallen asleep.
"B-Byakuya?" I whispered through my sore throat. I took his hand that was draped over me and stretched my neck to look back at him. He was staring at me caringly. I felt the heat flood my cheeks. I quickly turned back around.
"Yes?" He asked when it was clear that I wasn't going to say anything more. I inwardly panicked. I shouldn't have kissed him! Now things are even more awkward!
"I-I'm sorry about k-kissing you." I said silently and pulled my legs to my chest, squeezing his arm between them and my belly.
"It's alright, I didn't mind it. You may kiss me when we are alone." He told me and I looked up at him panicked. He must have sensed my sudden discomfort.
"I will not touch you inappropriately or kiss you unless you kiss me first." He told me and I shivered out of shock.
"Brother?" I asked clearly, intending for him to read between the lines. He narrowed his eyes at me and evaluated me.
"I can be your brother if that is what you need of me. I will always be your friend no matter what and I will be more to you if that is how things turn out." He told me silently. I looked at him and tears started filling my eyes again.
"Baka Byakuya, didn't you hear what I said earlier? Neither of us deserve a toxic relationship or a relationship where we aren't in love with a person. And, 'brother' what do you think the gossip will say?" I asked him challengingly. He sighed softly and leaned his face over and buried it in my hair.
"We aren't toxic to each other. And we are not biologically related, we are not related at all. I am not offering you anything you don't choose for yourself, as I said, if you want a brother then that is what I will be, but you should know that I have caught myself wishing that I had met you before Hisana. I respect your wishes as I too will only marry for love, but comforts such as holding you aren't against the law, are they?" He joked with me and I couldn't help scoffing to hide my laugh. Then I became serious.
"Still, I know what I want. I just don't want to make a mistake with you. You know there is something between Ichigo and I? I don't know where he is now or if he is even alive somewhere but I can't try to be close like that to you now only to decide to leave you later. Besides, I don't know if Ichigo would still be in love with me after he hears about Hisana and what I did to my baby." I told him sadly. He seemed to better understand me this time.
"I need to know if I still love Ichigo before I can try to love anyone else, I already made a mistake with Renji and the next person I am with I want to stay with. I…I don't know if what you mean to say is that you love me in a different way? I could try to open myself up to you but what if we don't fall in love with each other? What happens to our relationship with each other?" I asked him gently and he moved his head off of mine so I could look in his eyes.
"I understand Rukia. I just want you to be happy. But it wouldn't be fair to me either if you didn't give me a chance to try and win you over, still we have millennia to decide. And I will be here if you need me." He said caringly.
"Things don't need to change between us at all. We could go back to yesterday before all of this happened and I will try to keep my distance, but I can't promise to leave you be if I see you in pain." He told me before getting up and straightening his kimono. He smiled down at me and headed for my door.
"Rukia, if you still intend to leave for the gathering at the world of the living we should get ready." He told me and closed my door behind himself.
I stared at the door as if it were a snake for a while until I was sure that it wouldn't open again any time soon. I never should have asked him to stay. Or kissed him. Oh no, what have I done? I have never even thought about him that way before! And yet, he said that he would have preferred to have met me instead of Hisana? What am I supposed to make of that?
At least he didn't hold the kiss against me.