"No. Thank you." [S2, Ep6 - Kate to Caroline]
Kate stood in the garden. It was dusk. She'd only come out to put the bin out but now she stood, transfixed, watching the bats fly around as if on a last ditch attempt to catch the dying rays of the day. They flitted this way and that in a manic dance of hyperactive lust for the tenuousness of life. Kate watched them, feeling like they understood her mind. Or maybe symbolised it. She scoffed internally at her thought. The bats played in and out of the lengthening shadows.
"Kate? Are you ok?" Caroline peered out into the dusk from the back door.
Kate turned, held out her hand, "Come out here a minute. Be with me."
Caroline walked towards her. Took her hand. Stood next to her. Kate raised Caroline's hand to her lips. Kissed it. Felt the warmth of her skin on her lips.
Caroline looked at Kate, trying to read her expression. Drew closer to her, gently dropped her hand and slid her arm around her waist instead. Put her head on Kate's shoulder, said quietly, "You ok sweetheart?"
"Yes." Couldn't quite hide a small sigh though.
Caroline paused, trying to conure up the right words. "Are you sure that meeting up with Richard is the...right thing to do?"
Kate looked straight ahead into the gloomy dusk. Sighed again. Louder this time. "I have to Caroline."
Caroline bit her lip. "Ok", she said quietly. "I just don't want you to...feel bad. It's not your fault Kate."
"That I have everything we ever wanted you mean?"
Caroline winced slightly at the use of 'we' and that it didn't mean her and Kate. It was another 'we' that involved Kate. Her heart contracted slightly. A tremor of remembrance of things lost. "That's not something you need feel guilty about though Kate. It's not your fault sweetheart."
Kate blinked rapidly, warding off tears. Said nothing.
A trio of bats appeared, flitting forwards and backwards across the wall that divided their garden from their neighbours'. Their movements were random; hysteria in flight. Kate and Caroline watched them wordlessly as the darkness increased.
After a while Caroline leant into Kate and kissed her cheek. Tried again. "Kate...I know Richard doesn't seem to be...very happy right now...and you feel bad because you told him about Olivia...but you can't be responsible for his happiness, sweetheart."
Kate swallowed, her throat dry, constricted, "You wouldn't understand, Caroline. You don't know what we went through."
That word again. Those two innocuous letters. We. A word that unites and divides effortlessly. 'We' is not the same as 'us'.
Caroline shuddered. "Let's go in Kate, it's getting cold."
They turned and walked back indoors. Separately.
Caroline shut the door. Locked it. Through the glazed panel she could see the bats still flitting this way and that. Undecided. Directionless.
"Mummy come park?"
"No darling, mummy can't come today. You and mama will have a nice time though."
"Why?"
"Mummy has to go...and see somebody. Right Olivia...", changing tack, trying to distract, "...which shoes are you going to wear?"
"Pink mummy." Decisive. Then, watching Kate pick up a pair of shoes, "No mummy. Pink wiv sparkles."
Kate smiled at her daughter. How could she be shoe obsessed already? She's so like Caroline. She picked up another pair, "These ones?"
"Yes." A smile to match her mum's. Happy with the pink, sparkly shoes.
"You ready, chicken?" Caroline came in.
"I'm ready mama!" Still sitting on the floor independently putting her shoes on.
Caroline stifled a smile. "Olivia darling, I think you might need to swap the shoes around." Olivia looked at her quizzically. "Try them on the other feet."
Olivia looked as interested as if Caroline had just told her that pink shoes grew on a special tree in the forest. Her little head cocked to one side, she said, "You fink so mama?"
Caroline and Kate looked at each other and grinned. Caroline tried to answer the little girl without laughing, "Yes darling. I think it'd be more comfortable that way."
"Ok." She took the shoe off she'd rammed on the wrong foot and looked delighted when it slid onto the other foot easily. She fastened the Velcro band confidently.
Kate looked at Caroline. "Do you want me to drop you at the park?"
"No thanks sweetheart, we're going to walk. Well, I think Olivia's going to take her bike."
"That'll be you pushing her then."
"Thank goodness for the handle."
"Yep. You should be able to keep her going in the right direction at least."
Caroline paused, lowered her voice a little, "Kate...are you sure about this? Really?"
Kate tried not to sigh. "Caroline. We've been through this."
Caroline's eyes flashed but she didn't raise her voice, "Have we Kate? Have we?" She turned to Olivia, held out her hand, "Come on sweetheart, let's go."
Kate sat in the car waiting for the nausea of nervousness to pass. She lowered the window to let some fresh air in and watched the clouds scud across the sky. She recited the names of the clouds she could remember in an effort to calm herself. Cirrus, cumulus, nimbostratus, cumulonimbus... Caroline would definitely know the rest.
Kate's thoughts took her back to watching clouds in the park with Caroline. Olivia had only been about three months old and after a day of constant crying, Kate had been at the end of her tether. Caroline had arrived home to find her pacing the house, holding an angry, crying baby and pretty much crying herself with exhaustion, frustration and feelings of total inadequacy. Caroline had immediately packed them in the car and driven to the park. There, they'd lain under a big oak tree in the shade of the blazing summer sun, Olivia in between them on a blanket in just her nappy and a vest. The baby had calmed down and eventually fallen asleep, cool and relaxed. Caroline had reassured her that she was a fabulous mum and that she'd felt exactly the same when she'd had William. As Caroline stroked her hair and told her about the clouds they were watching drifting overhead, Kate had felt her body relax and her emotions calm.
Kate watched the clouds now and wished she could feel as calm. The telephone conversation that she'd had with Richard a week ago hadn't left her. It had run around her head, replaying itself over and over:
"You sound happy Kate."
"Yes. I am. How're you Richard?"
"Oh. I'm alright. Same old, same old...you know."
"Richard, your email...it...well it concerned me. You sounded...strange. Sad."
His tone hardened. "An email can't sound anything Kate. Still as determinedly quixotic I see."
"You're avoiding the issue Richard. That hasn't changed either." Kate kept her tone even, her voice quiet. She girded herself to grip the white hot iron. "Did I upset you...telling you about...Olivia?" Her gut twisted as she imagined his face hardening. Grey, austere.
"Ah yes...your daughter. Pretty name. Your choice, Kate?" He made the words 'daughter' and 'Kate' sound bitter. Acidic.
"Caroline's suggestion really. But we both liked it...and it suits her." A pause. Metal still burning her skin. "So...did it upset you?"
"Why should your happiness upset me Kate? I loved you once."
The heat of the metal still searing into her but she'd started now. An acrid burning smell stuck in her throat. "Because we...lost our babies."
There was a pause. Kate remembered once watching a blacksmith work. She'd never realised before that intense heat had a sound but even before he'd started to work the almost molten metal, she'd heard its sound. She remembered it sounding...like pain. Like grief. She heard that sound now, in the pause down the phone line.
"Yes. We did." The clang of hammer on white hot metal. Done. Re-shaped. "I'm glad though Kate, that you've been able to move on." New shape plunged into cold water. The sizzle of lingering pain.
Kate walked into the pub and immediately saw Richard, sitting at a table to the right of the fireplace. He would've planned it that way so he could see and be seen. Military precision that was Richard.
He stood to greet her. "Hello Kate. You look...wonderful." Kissed her cheek. His lips were dry. Cool.
"Hello Richard. Thanks." You look...gaunt and tired.
"What can I get you to drink?"
"Just a fruit juice please. I'm not fussy about the flavour."
He smiled. A ghost of a memory. "Yes, I remember how you love fruit."
It seemed to Kate like it was maybe easier to talk in person. They chatted fairly easily for ten or fifteen minutes, just catching up on each other's everyday lives. Kate felt...comfortable. Then...
"So...are you still with..Julia?"
"No." The clang of shutters.
"Oh. I'm sorry Richard. I didn't realise."
"There's no reason why you should've."
"So...what happened? If you want to tell me of course."
"I think we just weren't...compatible."
"Really? You seemed to be. From what you'd told me. And you were together...what, well over a year?"
"Yes...about that." His voice became tight.
Kate sensed something more. "So what caused the break-up then?" She grinned, trying to make things more jovial, "After all, you're a catch."
His eyes flickered briefly. Grey waves breaking over jagged rocks. "Yeah right."
"Richard. What happened?" Voice a soft breeze. Gentle. Calming.
He took a deep breath. "I told her I wanted children."
Waves crashing around them both. Engulfed in freezing water. Making Kate gasp. Water over her head. Lungs bursting.
"I see." The understatement of the almost drowned. "I'm sorry, Rich. Really."
"Yes. Me too."
Caroline was in the conservatory nursing a cup of coffee when Kate arrived back home.
"Did you and Olivia have a nice time at the park?"
"Well, she ran me ragged...and I'm probably more knackered than she is, even though she's now taking a nap. Oh, and I got stuck halfway down the slide."
Kate barked out a laugh. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry I missed that!"
Caroline smiled ruefully, "I'm not. You'd've probably taken a photo."
Kate grinned, "Oh definitely." She sat on the sofa next to Caroline.
A silence stretched between them. Caroline looked out of the window. A pair of greenfinches settled on the bird table, one pecking at the seed while the other seemingly kept watch.
"So. How was Richard?" Still gazing out the window.
"Sad. The woman he was seeing...the relationship he was in...has ended."
"Oh...why?"
"Apparently he told her he wanted children...and she clearly didn't."
"Ah. I see." The clarity of recognition. The greenfinches flew across the garden. Flash of yellow painting itself in front of her eyes.
"Yes. So I think my email was...rather poorly timed...in that sense."
"I suppose so."
Caroline watched the greenfinches as they flew back into the garden, across their neighbours' wall. Kate followed her line of vision and noticed them for the first time. Noticed how beautiful they were. A stunning splash of colour in the early autumn garden
"Caroline. I'm sorry. For not letting you in...talking to you about my...miscarriages."
Caroline turned to look at Kate. Her voice was soft. "I didn't want to force you to tell me Kate...but I wanted you to be able to...share...your pain. That's all."
"Oh Caroline!" Kate's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry sweetheart. I haven't really spoken to you about this have I? I've been very...preoccupied with feeling guilty. And I know I haven't shared that with you...talked to you about it. I've just felt so...overwhelmed with feelings from the past. I haven't meant to shut you out...I just didn't know how to...verbalise what I was feeling and it was all tied up with a misplaced feeling of responsibility...and grief...for the babies I lost...and for how I felt I'd let Richard down.
"So, if you had the chance to go back and have what we have...with...Richard, would you? Is that what you'd prefer?" Caroline's voice was tightly strung.
"Caroline! No! That's not..."
"Not what? Not what you've made it seem like you'd want? Because it is Kate, it bloody well is!"
"Oh Caroline. Knowing what I know now. Knowing how I feel about you...and Olivia...and our life together. Caroline...", Kate cupped her chin, turning her face toward her, forcing her to make eye contact, "...Caroline...if that was on offer...going back and having a child with Richard...then the answer I'd give would be categorically, no...thank you."
Caroline looked at her through watery, blue eyes. "Really?"
Kate smiled gently. Stroked her cheek. "Really. And anyway there's one big thing you're forgetting."
"Is there? What?"
"Why I left Richard. The small fact that actually I prefer women. Emotionally, aesthetically...sexually. You may not have noticed Caroline...although I hope you have..", she grinned, "...I'm actually pretty damn gay."
A slow smile spread across Caroline's face. Blue eyes sparkling. "Well. That's handy then."