She Don't Dream for Me
By: caramelo
I do not own One Tree Hill or anything related to it.
Chapter Thirteen: Her Choice
"You don't have to do this, you know," Brooke said for the umpteenth time that night since she and Nathan had arrived at his apartment. "It's not too late; I can still drive Haley's car back over to my house."
Nathan snorted as he fumbled around his apartment, looking around for extra sheets. He finally found them in the hall closet (they were probably the only damned things in his apartment that were actually where they should be) and grumbled something that sounded suspiciously similar to, "Like hell."
"I mean it," Brooke protested from her spot on the couch as Nathan began tucking in the sheets into the cushions. She jumped off the couch after noticing that she was in serious danger of being tucked into the sheets and impatiently tapped her foot as he fluffed a couple pillows and threw them up at the head of the couch. "It's not like I'm going to run away again."
Nathan seemed to run out of things to do as he finally took the time to straighten up and actually acknowledge her. "Bullshit, Brooke," he said, not entirely unkindly, "all you've been doing lately is running away."
Brooke swallowed and opened her mouth but found that she could not dispute his words. "I-I guess you're right," she said somewhat lamely, defeated.
Nathan nodded and just like that, he was no longer standing in front of her anymore. "You want anything?" he asked, walking towards the kitchen. "Soda, water, geez, I don't know…tea?"
"Tea?" Brooke snorted at the mental image of Nathan scurrying around the kitchen, making tea. "Um, no thanks. I'm fine."
"You sure?" Nathan asked, oblivious. Brooke nodded, and he shrugged before heading into the kitchen. She watched the door swing back and forth behind him before casting herself down on the couch with a sigh, careful not to disturb the sheets Nathan had worked so hard to tuck.
She didn't know why she was protesting so much. Just forty-five minutes earlier, in fact, she had been all hot on the idea. She had practically been obsessing over it. But somewhere along the car ride over here, as she followed the bright yellow taillights of Nathan's car, Brooke had begun to have her doubts. Maybe staying over at Nathan's wasn't such a great idea. Maybe he didn't even want her there. Most likely, Nathan just saw her as a gigantic screw-up, not to be trusted to be able to handle herself alone.
But that wasn't even the worst. Maybe Nathan was just humoring her. Brooke had made her feelings towards him pretty apparent at the bar. He had been the one to grab onto her, of course, but she had been the one who refused to let go. She could have played it off as just confusion, Brooke supposed. The bar had been so hot, and the people seemed to clamor around her, making her head swirl, but she knew that wasn't the reason. And she had a sick feeling that Nathan did too.
Then, it hadn't seemed so bad. Nathan didn't exactly give off the vibe of being opposed as his fingers closed around hers too as he led her out of the bar. But when they had gotten out in the parking lot, Brooke still hadn't let go, letting him pull her along towards their parked cars as well. Somehow, Brooke had noticed vaguely, he had managed to find a spot only a couple spaces away from hers.
Just a few feet away from their cars, Nathan had turned on Brooke rather suddenly. Brooke had jumped back in surprise, but Nathan put his free hand on her shoulder to steady her. "Follow me," he had told her firmly. "Don't run."
Brooke had only nodded, fazed, and Nathan squeezed her shoulder, once, then twice, before pulling away to walk towards his car. It was only then that Brooke remembered that she was still holding onto him. "Oops," Nathan said, smiling tightly. Brooke flushed and loosened her grip, allowing Nathan to pull his hand away.
"Sorry," she said.
Nathan shook his head. "No big deal." And that was when he went to get in his car, but not before giving one last warning. "Follow me," he said again, and just like she had done the last time, Brooke nodded, still not all there.
Luckily, Brooke reflected wryly, she had been given the car ride to snap out of her daze, saving her from further embarrassment. Otherwise, she might as well just go ahead and lock herself in her room. God knows, she had made a big enough ass out of herself already.
Nathan came back out of the kitchen with two glasses in his hands filled almost to the brim with brown, bubbling coke. He sat down on the couch beside her and offered her one. "Thought you might have changed your mind," he said with a shrug.
"In all of five minutes?" Brooke said, raising a brow.
Nathan shrugged again as he reached to set the extra coke on the table in front of him. "Just being polite."
Brooke's arm suddenly shot out, wrapping around his wrist. He looked at her sharply, questioning, and Brooke tried not to blush. "That's sweet," she said, carefully choosing her words. "I guess if you went through all the trouble…"
Nathan furrowed his brows. "Wasn't that much work," he said but handed the coke to her all the same.
"Of course it was," Brooke waved him off and grinned. "I mean, look, you even put a bendy straw in it for me," she teased as she played with the pink plastic.
"Haha," Nathan grumbled.
"No, really," Brooke insisted, an unnaturally largesmile still plastered on her face. "Thank you."
Nathan shifted uncomfortably, which made Brooke all the more pleased. Better that he be concerned with his own discomfort than be able to see hers. "Like I said, it wasn't that big a deal."
"Oh, but it is," Brooke said, taking a large sip of her drink. It was regular coke, something she had sworn off years ago in favor of diet, and she had forgotten how much she had liked it until then, its sweetness sorely unmatched by the zero-calorie version. "I should, like, worship you or something for going through all the trouble."
"Bitch," Nathan groused good-naturedly as he realized he'd been played. Brooke smiled at him sweetly, and he shook his head. "You wanna watch some TV or something?"
Brooke shrugged. "Whatever you want. Your house not mine."
"You got a point there," Nathan agreed and grabbed the remote from the table to flip through the channels. It wasn't long till he found a basketball game playing and settled back on the couch with a content sigh. Brooke, however, remained unnaturally stiff on the edge of the seat, and Nathan couldn't help but notice and feel stirrings of unease. "What's wrong?" he asked warily.
Nose scrunched and brows furrowed, Brooke conveyed her distaste for his pick effectively. "Do we really have to watch this?" she whined.
Nathan sighed again, but not from content. "I thought it was 'my house, my choice.' Remember?"
"Well, yeah," Brooke said, obviously put-out, "but I didn't expect you to pick this shit."
"You didn't?" Nathan questioned dubiously.
Brooke shot him a look. "Okay, maybe it crossed my mind, but I figured pro-basketball season was like, over by now."
Nathan grinned. "Basketball season is never over. Not in this house."
Crossing her arms over her chest, Brooke scowled. "I hate basketball."
Nathan looked at her blankly. "But you cheer for it."
"I'm good at flipping and even better at gossiping," Brooke said. "You think we actually pay attention to the games?"
It was Nathan's turn to scowl. "Well, yeah. I guess I always figured that you guys liked to watch us."
Brooke laughed and batted her eyelashes flirtatiously. "Of course we watch you. Just not what you guys happen to be doing or something stupid like the score."
"Perverts," Nathan muttered, painfully aware of the fact that his ears were flushing red.
To his horror, Brooke noticed and gave one a good flick. "Like you aren't," she said good-naturedly.
"Me?" Nathan grinned wolfishly, trying to sound innocent.
"Whatever, don't give me that," Brooke said as she rolled her eyes. She happened to spy the remote in Nathan's hands and realized how off topic they had gotten. It was strange how easy it had been for their conversation to flow so naturally when all the times they had talked before had been so awkward. It was nice, Brooke thought with a smile before her eyes returned to the remote. "Anyway, the whole point of this little talk was for me," she paused for dramatic effect, "to get this." She snatched the remote out of his hands before he had a chance to process what was happening.
"Hey!" Nathan yelled, and with all his seasoned basketball reflexes, managed to grab back the remote before Brooke could pull it in and shield it properly. Not that it did him much use, he reflected, as Brooke went into full pout mode. "That's not going to work," Nathan warned. "Haley's done it so much, I'm practically immune."
Haley. The name dropped from his mouth like lead and then hung thickly in the air between them. Brooke's playful pout flickered visibly on her face, and Nathan found himself regretting ever mentioning her. But, why? She was his girlfriend. He had every right to bring her up. He should be bringing her up more, in fact. He should feel guilty for not thinking about her more.
Because he really hadn't been thinking about her at all lately. Sure, he had given her a quick call on the ride home from the bar, telling her to let everyone know that he had found Brooke and assuring her that her car was fine and would be returned tomorrow. Then, obviously, he had wrapped up the call pretty quickly, other things understandably on his mind, but he had told her, like always, that he…
No, he hadn't. She had said, "Okay, bye. I love you, Nate," and he had shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, "Yeah, you too." But that was practically the same thing, right? Nathan furrowed a brow.
"Hello, earth to Nate," Brooke said, waving a hand in front of his face. Her pout was firmly back in place, and Nathan vaguely noted that her puppy dog face was pretty damn good, maybe even better than Haley's. "Nate," Brooke said again impatiently. "Focus on me here, okay? Because, I'm going to, like, die if I have to watch these guys run back and forth in their nasty, baggy shorts for much longer."
And just like that, the discomfort that had invaded the room passed.
"Hard ass," Nathan said with a rueful smile but relinquished the remote anyway. Brooke smirked.
"I knew I'd get to you."
"It's impossible to say no to you, Brooke."
There was a pause, and then Brooke looked away, staring hard at the television. "You'd be surprised."
Nathan grimaced and had the sudden impulse to take her hand. So he did. Brooke looked back at him, surprised. "Lucas was a real ass," Nathan said seriously. "Nobody approved of what he did."
Brooke smiled again, but it was bitter. "I wasn't talking about Lucas," she said tightly and slipped her hand out from his grasp.
Nathan sat for a second in complete silence. What did that mean? Was she trying to…insinuate something? Did he want her to? His mind reeled. Did he? Nathan felt a sick sense of guilt. He knew the answer. But there was no way she…it was Brooke. She didn't like him like that. Did she?
And for godsakes, what about Haley? Why did he keep forgetting about her?
Finally, Nathan spoke, his voice surprisingly calm, albeit low, despite his racing thoughts. "So who are you talking about then?"
Brooke's expression was strained. "A little forward, huh Scott?"
"Sorry," Nathan said quickly, although he knew the only thing he was sorry about was that she hadn't told him.
"I can't tell you, Nathan," Brooke said apologetically. "Not today, maybe never. It wouldn't be fair."
"Wouldn't be fair to whom?" Nathan wheedled. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer, but he was still desperate for it.
"To him," Brooke said firmly. "It wouldn't be fair to him." She fixed him with a hard stare. "You see, he's got kind of a lot going on right now. And I've put him through so much shit already."
Nathan's breathing was suddenly very labored. She couldn't be talking about—but maybe...And Nathan finally accepted the fact that he wanted her to be. "Maybe you're underestimating him," he said, choosing his words carefully. "Maybe he can handle it."
Brooke's gaze was piercing. It was amazing that such a fun-loving, flighty girl could be so intense. "And maybe he can't," she said frankly. "Maybe he doesn't realize how much he'd be taking on, and giving up, if he got involved with me. I don't think he can deal with it."
Haley flashed across his mind. That was the first of the flood of images. Brooke's unborn baby, her hard partying, her highs and lows, the drinking, the family problems, the hurt and distrust Lucas had caused her, the flightiness...Nathan reached out, putting his hand on her shoulder, ignoring the thrill that burned his fingers and palm when he did, and returned her stare, matching its intensity. "I think you're wrong," he said.
"I can deal with all of it, Brooke."
Brooke's breath caught, her eyes losing their concentration as they went round. Then, she withdrew from him abruptly, as if burned. Her fist clenched around the sheet. "I think you should go," she said.
"Brooke," Nathan protested, opening his mouth to say more.
She cut him off. "No," she said decisively, "I'm tired. I really think you should go."
Nathan was stubborn, but he didn't want to make things any worse at the moment. He knew Brooke wouldn't be able to handle it. Not now. "Okay," he said gently. He rose from the couch without further argument and turned off the light. He turned just before entering his bedroom. "But I wasn't lying. Remember that."
How could she forget?
Long after Nathan had changed and brushed his teeth and climbed into bed, Brooke was still lying on the couch, sheets pulled up past her chest, staring up at the ceiling. She knew there would be no sleep for her tonight. No chance in hell.
She was furious. At herself and at Nathan. They had overstepped the boundaries. Brooke had promised herself she wouldn't ever turn into Peyton. And while they hadn't done anything particularly incriminating, like hook up or something equally slimy, Brooke had a feeling that that conversation alone hadn't been right while Nathan was still taken. It should have waited.
And Brooke shouldn't have been feeling this terrible sense of excitement rising from the bottom of her stomach, making her breathing grow shallow. She shouldn't have been picturing that tragic kiss they had shared, thinking about how it was very possible that they might be having better soon, initiated by mutual attraction instead of hatred.
But it was more than that. Despite her glee, Brooke could also feel an equal amount of doubt and anxiety washing over her. Nathan couldn't really understand how hard it would be, could he? He said he did, but…that was impossible. She was so unbelievably screwed up.
And yet, there hadn't been much in these past weeks that she had censored from him. She had really let him have it, especially the last couple days, in fact. And he hadn't run away screaming yet. He should have if he had any sense in him at all, but he didn't. He stayed by her. He even made a conscious effort to.
Brooke smiled in spite of herself. Crazy bastard.
The amusement passed, and Brooke found herself faced with a choice. She could take the leap, trust Nathan and his promises, and either find something special or crash and burn. Or she could sit back, watch Nathan and Haley grow old together, and protect her heart forever.
From Brooke's experiences, she knew the crash and burn part was painful. Devastating, even. And it was hard to go back to the way you were. When a person gambled her feelings like that in hopes of finding the something special, it wasn't likely she'd come out unscathed. Taking a chance on someone usually wasn't a worthwhile risk. It was so much easier to stand apart than experience any kind of heart break.
Standing apart made a person strong, kept them from falling. There were no risks, no pain, no devastation. There was nothing. And that was the way Brooke usually liked it. Free sex, no strings. It was so much safer and so much smarter, really.
It was so silent in the apartment, Brooke could hear the water dripping in the sink. She glanced over at Nathan's open bedroom door. "He always snores," she had once overheard Haley complain to Peyton about Nathan's midnight invasions, "I think I'd smother him with my pillow if I didn't like him so much."
Brooke could hear another drop of water splash into the kitchen sink. She sat upright.
This was it. Her moment, her chance, her choice. It was all up to her now.
Was she going to take the leap and risk her heart again or sit back and stay safe?
Brooke swallowed hard and clutched her sheets around her. Slowly, shakily, she rose, walking as quietly as she could to Nathan's bedroom doorway. In the dim moonlight shining from the window, her skin looked milky and pale. She had a feeling she'd still look pale even if standing in the sun at this particular moment, despite weeks of tanning either through bottle or lounge chair.
She turn back now and stretch out on the couch again, a little shaky, a little disappointed, but safe, pretending she had never been this close or…
Brooke stood in the doorway, her hand gripping the frame hard.
Or…
Could she?
The indecision lingered, but not for much longer. Brooke's hand loosened and eventually fell. She tossed her head over her shoulder to give the couch a long stare. It was a haven, a shelter, a retreat, a…cage.
Brooke took a deep breath, held it for one, two, three seconds and exhaled. Then she padded into Nathan's bedroom.
Author's Note: And here we are, finally making progress with the N/B. You guys happy? Think it was too rushed? Any opinions at all? Come on, you guys left great reviews last chapter, so let's do it again this chapter! ;) Really, you guys are awesome, and I love to hear what you think.
until next time…
caramelo