Tipton Mountain

By

James Doyle

My brother Dirk and I are fraternal twins, so we never had much in common. I always had the good looks, the charm, and the sense of style. Dirk always had the brains and...some other stuff. Okay, mostly just the brains. But one thing we had in common was our love of Tipton properties. These places were always spotlessly clean, and great food, service, and atmosphere. Best of all, they were always crawling with hot babes.

So when our parents wanted to take us on a ski trip, we wouldn't hear of going anyplace other than Tipton Mountain in New Hampshire. When we got there, we did waste any time hitting the slopes. I wanted to do a few warm-up runs, but Dirk insisted on going straight for the black diamond runs. As we got off the chairlift, I felt a knot forming in my stomach.

"Last one to the bottom buys the beer," taunted Dirk.

Okay, so there's one thing I forgot to give my brother props on: He can carve it up like nobody's business on the slopes. He strapped on his board and was out of sight before I even hit the slope. As nervous as I was, I couldn't let my dorky show me up. I took a deep breath, strapped on my plank, and took off down the hill.

I had to admit, that hill was pretty gnarly, even for a black diamond run. I never did find my brother. I was too busy trying to avoid wiping out. After one of the hairiest performances of my athletic life, I was finally in sight of the lodge. I don't remember what happened next; witnesses told me I'd been side-swiped from the left. It all happened so fast, that the next thing I new, I was laying in a snowbank with forty-five kilos of ski bunny on top of me.

"Oh my gosh!" exclaimed the girl. "I am so sorry!"

"Don't worry about it," I groaned.

"Here let me help you up," she offered. As she tried to pull both of us up, we fell again. At least this time, we fell in a position where I could get a good look at her face.

"I think we'd better wait for the ski patrol," I recommended.

"Good idea," she agreed.

It was then that I took a moment to look at her face. It was a pretty face; a bit round, with a cute little mouth and sea-blue eyes. I could see a few strands of blond hair sticking out from under her hat. Near as I could tell, I'd been broadsided by a total babe.

"I'm Kirk," I introduced. "Like the Captain."

"I'm Hilary," she replied. "Like the presidential candidate. Not Barack, or John, or Ron. Nope, just Hilary. Actually, she spells it with two l's; I only spell it with one. You can call me Hill...or Larry..."

"Um, how 'bout just Hilary?" I said sheepishly.

"That'll be just fine, 'Kirk, like the Captain.' 'Beam me up, Scotty!' Actually, you know, Captain Kirk never actually said that. Though Bones did say 'Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor...' a few times..."

"Whoa, take it easy!" I interrupted.

"Right, sorry," apologized Hilary. "I just have a tendency to run my mouth when I get excited. And I get excited a lot. I'm what you might call 'easily excitable.'"

"Yeah, I noticed," I acknowledged. This girl was starting to sound more like Dirk's type.

A few minutes later, two big, burly guys from the ski patrol came along and pulled us out of the snow bank. A medic looked us over, and said neither of us had any major injuries.

"Well, I think I'm gonna call it a day, " I declared. "Maybe try this again tomorrow."

"I'm leaving tomorrow," replied Hilary.

I still wasn't sure if Hilary was my type, but seeing as I had less than twenty-four hours to make my move, I figured I'd just have to find out the hard way.

"Well, then," I said brashly. "I suggest you cancel whatever plans you have for the evening and have dinner with me at the White Wolf Dining Room."

"Oh, you're so aggressive," reacted Hilary with a grin. "I like that."

"Seven o'clock," I continued.

"I'll be there," accepted Hilary, putting a little extra shake in her tight snow-pants as she walked off.

I got back to my hotel room a few minutes later to find a petite, dark-haired babe leaving the room. Judging by her outfit, I figured she had a few bucks to throw around.

"Ciao," she said in her incredibly nasal voice as she waved at my brother and closed the door. "Oh, hello there," she greeted as she walked past me. Just to be safe, I knocked our secret code knock from when we were kids.

"Come on in," said Dirk. I entered the room to find my brother sitting in the recliner watching TV, dressed in a robe. He looked like a cross between Hugh Hefner and Alfred E. Neuman.

"Holy crap, man," I marveled. "How do you do it?"

"It's pretty simple," explained Dirk. "I just tell 'em I'm Pre-Med, and I want to be a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. That usually gets 'em out of their clothes pretty quick."

"Rich and dumb, huh?"

Dirk smiled and nodded. "Yeah, and they don't get much richer and dumber than Traci Van Horn."

I nodded. I'd thought that was who she was, but I wasn't sure.

"Well, maybe I'm not scoring in your league," I announced. "But I do have a date tonight."

"The cute blond?" asked Dirk.

"That's right," I confirmed. "How'd you know?"

"You guys were the 'Wipeout of the Day' on the Tipton Mountain website," explained Dirk.

I shrugged. "Any publicity's good publicity, dude. But I am pretty sore from that. What do say we hit up the hot tub?"

"Yeah, let's," agreed Dirk.

Since it was only late afternoon and all the ski bunnies were still out on the slopes, besides me and Dirk, it was mostly old people in the hot tubs. I, for one, didn't mind; I needed to save my stamina for that evening. After we got back to the room, Dirk got dressed again and headed out for whatever he had planned for the evening (I really didn't care.) As for me, I made a special playlist on my mp3 player to get me in the right mood. I sang along with the first tune as I showered

Dark in the city night is a wire
Steam in the subway earth is afire
Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

Woman you want me give me a sign
And catch my breathing even closer behind
Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

In touch with the ground
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
Smell like I sound I'm lost in a crowd.
And I'm hungry like the wolf.

Straddle the line in discord and rhyme
I'm on the hunt I'm after you.
Mouth is alive with juices like wine
And I'm hungry like the wolf

After a few more tunes, the time came in the preparation phase of my mating ritual to choose just the right outfit. At that time, just the right tune played.

Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know what I am gonna do.
Silk suit, black tie,
I don't need a reason why.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl is crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

With my black blazer and matching pants, sky-blue dress shirt with the top two buttons undone, and my hair sculpted for just the right level of messiness, I was ready to roll. When I arrived in the lobby in front of the White Wolf Dining Room, it didn't take long to find Hilary.

"Hey there, Captain," she greeted, giggling like a schoolgirl.

Hilary wore a stunning purple evening gown that really showed off her figure. And oh boy, did she have a figure! Her boobs weren't huge, but that didn't matter, since they formed part of an absolutely perfect set of curves, from her hips, to her butt, to her waste, all the way up to her broad shoulders. "Broad where a broad ought to be broad," as an old show-tune would say.

Of course, a girl's gotta look good from the neck up, too, and Hilary didn't disappoint. I could see now that she was a natural light ash blond, her long hair held by a clip on the...(think Kirk. House left; stage right)....right side of her head, but otherwise allowed fall freely around her shoulders. She had a perfect smile, showing just the right amount of teeth, and used the absolute minimum amount of makeup, letting her natural beauty shine through.

"You look amazing," I said sincerely.

"Oh, thanks," said Hilary. "You look pretty hot, too. Like a movie star. Like maybe Jake Ryan. Except Jake has blond hair. And he usually wears a bit longer. Oh, wait, no, he cut it recently. Now it's about the same length as yours. Oh, but it's still blond. So I guess maybe you look more like..."

"Thanks," I interrupted. "I appreciate it."

I don't remember what either of us ordered for dinner. All I remember is, I could hardly get a word in edgewise with Hilary. She just kept talking and talking, on every possible subject. And I do mean every subject. A dissertation on quantum physics, a report on world events that would do CNN proud, a detailed comparison of Hannah Montana versus Mikayla...you name, she talked about it.

At first, I tried the trick Hyde used with Jackie on That '70s Show, in which he'd basically ignore everything Jackie said and concentrate on how hot she was. After awhile, though, some of what she said started to seep through, and I began to realize she was a really neat girl. She'd gotten straight A's throughout school, and was now a sophomore on college (having started a year early.) She still hadn't declared a major, since she had so many different interests.

"Would you like to dance?" I invited.

"Awesome!" she accepted, taking me by the hand and dragging me onto the dance floor.

I have to admit, I never was that great of a dancer. It didn't matter, because I wasn't doing anything close to leading. More like hanging on for dear life, actually. Hilary was incredibly strong and fast, and she twirled, dipped, shimmied, cha-cha'd me around around the dance floor like there was no tomorrow. Before I could sit down and catch my breath, Hilary uttered the magic words.

"Do you want to get out of here?" offered Hilary in a seductive voice.

"Oh, hell yes!" I offered. With that, she dragged me down the stairs and the hallway to her hotel room. It was probably about half a klick away the way the hotel was laid out, and we probably covered that distance under five minutes.

As we entered the room, my date threw me against the door, grabbed the back of my head, and attacked my lips. They were warm and soft, just like I'd imagined. That said, I didn't have long to enjoy them, as she quickly shoved her tongue into my mouth. Her tongue danced around mine so quickly and expertly that I could barely keep up. About a minute later, I broke the kiss.

"Hilary, are you sure this is okay?" I asked, not sure why I cared about such things in this instance.

"Positive," answered Hilary. "I'm here with my friend Sasha, and she's here with her boyfriend and his brother. I'm sure she'll be out with him for the night, and his brother will be out with some random bimbo for the night. We've got the place to ourselves."

"Random bimbo." Those words stung like a hornet, because I realized then that that was exactly how I was treating Hilary. She was a fantastically-beautiful, super-smart, awesome girl, and I'd just wanted to use her to get my rocks off.

"Hilary," I said, as she'd managed to get my jacket off, and had begun working on my shirt. "Hilary!" I said louder.

"Oh, so now you wanna talk," she answered, not stopping what she was doing.

"I can't do this," I protested.

"Believe me, it's not that difficult," argued Hilary, who'd begun working on my belt.

"No, I mean, you're better than this." I countered.

Hilary seized me by my cheekbones. "Oh, for love of Mike! Just shut up and take me!"

My animal instinct got the better of me, and since she obviously wanted it this bad, I wasn't about to deny her. I took her by the shoulders and threw her against the door, reversing our positions.

"Oh, that's more like it!" she cooed as kissed her face and neck, unzipping her dress as I groped along her back. I pulled the straps off as I kissed her shoulders. She wiggled a bit, and the garment hit the floor. I kicked my shoes off, and let my pants fall. I stepped out of my pants, then scooped her up and threw her on the bed.

I'd unhooked my fair share of bras in my time, so Hilary's gave me no trouble. I took a moment to treat myself to the sight of two small, round breasts, topped with quarter-sized nipples. Since my blond lover obviously liked it rough, I squeezed her left breast with all my strength, and sucked as her as I could on her nipple.

"Oh yeah, just like that!" she gasped as I paid due homage to her womanly assets.

As I started kissing my way south, she extended her long arm and pushed my head down between her legs. Taking this to mean she wanted me to get down to business, I removed her panties quickly. There, I saw a gorgeous pink slit, surrounded by soft patch of light brown hair. Keeping up the pace she'd set for the evening, I grabbed her by the butt and buried my face in her.

"Oh gosh, that's awesome!" she exclaimed, bucking her hips and burying my face deeper within her. Her tangy juices tasted incredible as I experimented with a few advanced techniques with my athletic tongue. She let out a high-pitched gasp every time I hit a certain sweet spot in her love canal.

"Take me!" ordered Hilary. "Take me now!"

Not wanting to argue with a girl as strong as her, I quickly did away with the rest of my clothes, then placed her sculpted long legs on my shoulders, plunging my hard member deep into her.

"Give it to me!" she begged as I moved rapidly in and out of her. "Give it to me hard!"

For the next several minutes, we both grunted and groaned with delight as we humped aggressively. As incredible as it felt to be inside of her, I was starting to get rug burns on my knees. She was obviously as athletic as I was, so I thought I'd try something with her. The physics wouldn't work in our current position, so I pulled out of her, and stood up, motioning for her to come with me.

I kissed her mouth ravenously as I shoved the blond beauty against the wall. I bent my knees to get just the right angle of approach, and I penetrated her standing up. Once I had her pinned against the wall, she wrapped her legs around my waist, and I held her up by her butt as I continued to pound her.

"Oh yes!" she cried. "Oh you're incredible!"

Eventually, my back started to protest, so I carried her away, still buried deep within her. We must have been a comical sight as managed to pull the chair out from under the desk with my foot. I plopped my butt down in the chair, leaving Hilary in my lap. I held her as tightly as my shoulder muscles could manage, and buried my hands in her golden hair, kissing her and thrusting into her like there was no tomorrow.

It felt like she was trying to suck me in both ways as her muscles started to contract around my hard shaft.

"Oh my gosh! I'm coming!" she cried as she dropped herself onto me one last time, sealing her outer lips around the base of my shaft. That was more than enough to push me over the edge. Unable to pull out in that position, I let loose deep inside of Hilary, filling her with my seed.

"Oh, thanks," said Hilary as she came down from her high. "I really enjoyed that."

"Oh, that's the best I've ever had," I declared honestly.

"Hmm," said Hilary with a pensive look on her face. Judging from her skill and stamina, I guessed she'd had better. At that point, I didn't care.

"So, how about a shower?" I suggested, seeing that we were both a sweaty, gooey mess.

"Sounds like a plan," agreed Hilary.

We continued exploring one another's bodies as we soaped-up and shampooed one another. All the makeup, perfume, cologne, sweat, and body fluids washed down the drain, leaving just us. It was strangely romantic.

As I slept next to Hilary, I had dreams of her. At one point, I realized I was awake, and that she'd begun riding me as I slept. We had a few more instances of slow, half-awake sex that night. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep last night, and morning hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Rise and shine, loverboy!" ordered Hilary. In retrospect, it made sense that someone as perky as her would be a morning person.

"What time is it?" I groaned, squinting in the bright sunlight pouring through the window.

"Seven-thirty," she answered.

"That's a bit early, don't you think?" I whined.

"I'm meeting Sasha for breakfast at nine," explained Hilary. "And then we need to get packed."

"Oh," I replied flatly. I'd been kicked out of enough dorm rooms and sorority houses at the butt-crack of dawn that Hilary having other plans the morning after shouldn't have offended me. And yet, it did. The realization of why this was socked me in the gut.

I actually liked Hilary. Besides being almost criminally hot, she was also smart, athletic, fun to be around. I figured once I learned to keep up with her in conversation, I could really get into her.

"Listen, Hilary," I began. "I need to ask you something."

"Oh, don't worry about that," interjected Hilary. "I'm on the pill."

"Good to know," I replied, admittedly relieved by that revelation. "But that's not what I wanted to ask. I was wondering if maybe I could call you, so we could go out again some time."

"Oh," Hilary said flatly with a grimace. "Oy vey, this is awkward."

"What do you mean?"

Hilary sighed, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Look, Kirk, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I thought we both understood this was just a vacation fling."

"Vacation fling?" I echoed. "What about our date? Conversation, dinner, dancing. Didn't that mean anything?"

"Oh, of course I wanted it to be romantic," continued Hilary. "But I'm going back to Chicago, and you're going back to...where did you say you were from, again?"

"Los Angeles."

"Yeah, there," continued Hilary. "Anyway, that's just how this sort of thing works. I'd love to meet my soulmate someday, but right now, I'm all about having fun and enjoying life. You can understand that, can't you?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I can."

I donned my pants, t-shirt, and shoes, slung my coat and dress coat over my shoulder, and headed for the door.

"It really was an incredible night," said Hilary, planting a kiss on my cheek. "I'll never forget this."

As I headed back to my hotel room, I realized my life as I knew it was over. Whatever happened from here on out, I could never go back to being the freewheeling Big Man On Campus that I'd always been. Above all else, I could never again find any fulfillment in womanizing, now that I knew what it was like to really fall for someone, only to be used.

The End

The Leads:

Kirk, played by Jake Abel, appeared in the SLOZAC episode "Twins at the Tipton" as the more attractive and charming, yet less-intelligent of a pair of fraternal twins. He went on a date with London, along with his brother, who went with Maddie.

Hilary, played by Ashley Farley, appeared in the SLOD episode "Family Thais." She was the cute, book-smart yet slow on the uptake, hyperactive best friend of Sasha, Zack's love-interest for the episode. In spite of his relationship with Bailey, Cody reluctantly took Hilary on a double date with Zack and Sasha as his "wing-man," only for Zack to find out that Sasha herself was a "wing-man," and he was the "pathetic best friend" she was paired with so Hilary could go after Cody. She settled for Zack for the evening, and was never heard from again. For some reason, I figured she was too hyper to be a virgin.

The supporting cast:

Dirk, played by Scott Halberstadt, is Kirk's smarter, yet considerably less attractive and charming, socially awkward twin brother. He's interested in becoming a doctor, and likes to spout off biology trivia, regardless of the appropriateness of the situation. Though he dated Maddie, his real interest was in London, as he has as stated preference for "rich and dumb" women. It's implied here that he's learned some social skills since, but isn't really any more likable.

Traci Van Horn, played by Romi Dames, is a recurring character on the Disney Channel original series Hannah Montana. She's the rich, snooty, obnoxious, and none-too-bright daughter of Hannah's record producer, and a friend of Hannah's (but not of Miley's, and especially not of Lilly/Lola's.)

Song Credits:

"Hungry Like the Wolf"
Written and Performed by Duran Duran
From the album Rio(1982)

"Sharp Dressed Man"
Written by B. Gibbons, D. Hill, F. Beard
Performed by Z.Z. Top
From the album Eliminator (1983)