WARNING: This is the chapter that earns the M rating. You have been warned.
First Grade
I hate this country.
I looked around my new classroom with a great deal of disdain. Students would frequently glance back at me before turning and whispering among themselves, as if I didn't understand what they were saying. At the time, my grasp on English wasn't very strong because I had only learned what they taught us in kindergarten plus what little my grandfather taught me over the summer before my transfer. That wasn't exactly enough knowledge to hold a prolonged conversation, but I was fine with that.
Why would I want to talk to these people?
I hate these people. They keep looking back at me like I was some sort of freak show. Why were they looking at me like that? Was it because I had to wear sunglasses indoors? Was it because I was Asian and (as far as they knew) I didn't know any English? Do Americans just naturally treat new kids like they're some kind of weirdo?
I hate people.
Humans are such selfish bastards. I hate them all. They're so quick to judge a person without even talking to them. They wear their fake smiles when they face you just to stab you in the back when you let your guard down. Words like 'family' and 'friend' are just useless titles others use to get close to you. They act like there's some sort of bond that's supposed to mean something, but when you come to them for help, they just laugh and shut the door in your face. Bastards.
I remained silent the entire year that I was there. I did not wish to speak to those who would gossip about me as if I weren't in the room. Whether it was during class, lunch or recess, I would sit by myself in a corner and pretend that everyone around me didn't exist.
When I watched the other students gather in their little cliques during lunch and recess, it made me think of A-chan. I wish she was here. She always managed to make me laugh. She was the one person I knew would never lie to me. If she had something to say, she would just blurt it out regardless of the consequences. Sure, she would definitely tease someone, but she would never betray anyone. Probably.
Thinking about it as I watched the other students, I realized that I was jealous. I no longer had any friends to talk to. I didn't have anyone else anymore. I didn't really hate these kids around me. I hated that they would rather gossip about me instead of talking to me. Why won't anyone talk to me? Why do I have to be lonely? Why can't I have any friends or family? Why am I alone in this unfamiliar place? It was around this time that talking to myself became a habit again.
Summer Vacation; Age 7
My first year in America passed by in quiet solitude. Throughout the entire year, I never spoke a word to anyone. No one cared to speak to me, and I tried to convince myself that I was just fine with that. I felt so out of touch with the world around me. I didn't know anyone in this new environment, and no one here knew me. They probably thought that I felt I was too good to associate with any of them, but the truth is that I was just a lost girl in an unfamiliar place. I kept waiting, hoping that someone would reach out to me. After a year of silence, I realized that it wouldn't happen and it was too late for me to do anything about it.
What am I supposed to do now? What could I do? I had gone an entire year without talking to the people around me. Was I just supposed to pretend that never happened and try to be friendly? Wouldn't they just think I was a weirdo? Well, more than they already do.
I was trapped.
I had achieved the isolation that I thought I wanted and now I had no way of escaping it. How could I just walk up to people that probably already hate me and pretend to be friendly towards them? I couldn't make friends here. I was alone. There was no one I could reach out to for help. There was nothing I could do. There was no way out.
…or so I thought.
We're moving? I thought as gramps rambled on about the incompetency of his board of directors, not that I understood most of what he was saying at the time. I did learn a few new American insults and curse words from it though, which is always nice. He was probably rambling for a good ten to fifteen minutes before he realized that what he was saying isn't something you should shout in front of a child. Or a teenager. Or hell, probably not an adult either.
"Ah, right." Ryoji mumbled as he stroked his long, grey beard. It was a habit I noticed he had whenever he was talking to someone or about something related to business. "Anyway, due to boring business reasons, we've relocated our company's headquarters out west, so we'll be moving at the end of the month, understand?" It wasn't complicated, but the distant look I always gave him made him unsure whether or not I was actually listening to him.
I nodded my head, confirming my understanding. I had tried to smile to show that I was really okay with it so he wouldn't change his mind, but I probably failed. Starting in a new school was my best chance at getting a new start again.
Gramps sighed at my silent answer. I knew I wasn't making this easy for him. He's only raised one child before, and I'm sure my mother was the complete opposite of how I am when she was my age. He probably wanted to say something, but he didn't add anymore and the conversation ended there. I didn't know what to do, and honestly, I think he was just as lost as I was.
It didn't take me long to pack. I hadn't brought much from Japan, and what little I did bring had barely been unpacked, with the exception of clothing. Packing up the rest of the house had been painstakingly long and aggravating, and gramps made sure to let me know that he felt the same way.
"I hate all this useless crap." He grumbled. "The whole point of its useless existence is to look pretty and be useless, just like the board of directors." At the time, I had no idea about what he was talking about. I was tempted to suggest hiring movers if it was really that annoying, but part of me thought that he just liked to complain for the sake of complaining. Perhaps he liked being able to complain when he didn't have to keep up the corporate appearance? I was too young to figure it out.
"If it's all so useless, why keep it around? Sell it, give it away, burn it in a bonfire, but why keep it to collect dust?" I asked it without even realizing it and completely ignored the humor in that of all things being the first thing I said to him in the year that I've lived with him.
Ryoji let out a hearty laugh and rubbed my hair with one of his dusty hands. I'd have complained, but I was certain that I was already covered in dust. "It's all for the sake of appearances, lass. The first thing anyone will judge someone on is not their background, not their thoughts, nor is it their accomplishments. Before all of that, the first thing a person is judged on is their appearance. It's not always a conscious decision, but people will immediately judge your worth the moment they see you. The same can be said for the things you own, like your vehicle and your home."
As a naïve child, I was surprised by what he was saying and some of it was over my head. Even so, I felt like it was something important to know, and I wanted to know more. "If you're judged by the things you own, why don't you have a limo and a big mansion with like fifty maids or something freakishly over the top?"
Gramps laughed at me again. I don't know what he found more entertaining- my interest or my ignorance. "If you met someone who lived in such a mansion with that many maids, would you be able to approach them casually?"
I thought about it for a moment before shaking my head. "I don't think so."
"Precisely." He smiled knowingly. "Wealth is power, and people with a great deal of power are difficult to approach. This is true in daily life for everyone, not just exclusively to the business world. People already know who I am and what I have done; they already know what business I run and studying financial reports will tell them how much wealth comes from that business. Due to all of this, I give off the impression that I am unapproachable, which can prevent me from establishing new business contacts. To alleviate this, I have to give myself a more humble, average appearance. The suits I wear are nice, but they're not the super high quality Italian suits that look damn fine. Instead of living in a huge mansion with a large roster of maids, I live in a regular home with my granddaughter. Things like those give off the impression that I'm more within reach than if I were to flaunt my money, understand?"
I nodded my head vigorously. Some of it didn't make sense at first, but then I compared it to acting. "It's like you're an actor on stage, and in order to truly convince your audience that you're really the role you're playing, you designed the setting and background to suit your character." Does that mean I'm a prop?
Gramps looked at me strangely for a moment, then shrugged and nodded his head. He most likely figured that I got the gist of what he was saying, but didn't know where I pulled the comparison from. "That's… an interesting way of putting it." He's making fun of me. "That's not a bad way of putting it, actually. Lying and deception are pretty common actions in business. You could say that we're all actors trying to shift the play in our favor, though reality isn't scripted like a play is. That's probably a good thing. Whoever wrote this nonsense would have their ass fired in a heartbeat." Gramps went on another one of his rants that I barely listened to as we resumed packing.
An actor that can change the outcome of an unscripted play… The thought intrigued me. If we are all actors, that would make the entire world one big stage. If I ignore what I currently feel about my situation, I can change it into something better. I won't be the sad little girl that wants someone to reach out to me; I can be the outgoing girl that naturally draws others to me. If I can do this, I won't be alone anymore. I didn't have trouble making friends before everything that happened last year, so if I act like the tomboy that everyone knew me as before, I should be able to make friends again. It's a new school where no one knows anything about me. I can do it! I will do it! I felt like I was burning with determination for a brief moment before gramps pulled me out of my thoughts.
"You space out a lot, lass." He said in amusement.
"Why do you call me lass?"
"Because you're not a lad." I crossed my arms and glared at him. I really shouldn't have expected anything but smartassery from him. "As I was saying, other than appearances, there are other ways to make yourself more appealing to people. If you learn certain skills that people enjoy, they'll be more likely to open up to you as well. Let me show you something." He stood up and motioned for me to follow him into a den that I rarely ever entered. Compared to the others rooms, there was minimal useless crap in this one. In fact, most of the room was emptied to make enough room for his grand piano.
"The piano?" I asked, looking at it in confusion. It was then that I noticed that, despite never hearing or seeing him play it, there wasn't any dust on it.
"That's right." He replied as he sat down in front of it and tapped one of the keys. "Music is something that many people enjoy. The snooty high class people that I tend to deal with apparently enjoy classical music and instruments like the piano and violin. I'm not sure if they actually like it because they enjoy it, or simply because they think it makes them look classier. Either way, knowing how to play the piano made it easier for me establish contacts with people I probably wouldn't have associated with otherwise."
He wiggled his fingers a bit as if to loosen them up before he began playing the piano. I had to admit that the music was…beautiful. I was captivated by the sound and the skill needed to play it. I didn't know what piece he was playing at the time, but I knew he picked a difficult one just to prove his point. When he finished playing, I found myself clapping my hands like an idiot. "That was incredible! Can you teach me to play like that?" I was clearly excited.
"Hmm…" The old fart stroked his beard as if he was really considering whether or not he wanted to teach me. "I suppose I could, but it won't really benefit you much."
"There doesn't have to be a benefit to learning something new. Maybe learning it is a benefit itself." I crossed my arms and frowned at him when he laughed at me again. He probably knew that was how I would reply. "You're mocking me, aren't you? You darn old fart." He looked hurt for a moment, and then roared with laughter. I'll never understand that old codger.
"You caught me." He said as he slid over in his seat and pats the space next to him. "Come on. I'll teach you, but I'm not the nicest teacher." Nope, but you're probably the craziest. Oh, but one more thing.
"You realize that we're covered in dust, and now it's all over the piano, right?"
"Oh, crap."
Second Grade
It was an understatement when he said he was strict. He was downright terrifying, but it was thanks to his scary lessons that I was able to learn pretty quickly. He spent most of his free time that summer teaching me the piano when we weren't packing. In retrospect, that probably wasn't the best idea since we would forget to go back to packing after the lessons. As a result of those piano lessons, we were late moving into his new home and I started second grade a week late. It normally wouldn't have been that big of a deal, but being a late transfer student meant that I would have to introduce myself in front of the class a week after everyone else had already introduced themselves to each other.
I knew that this could suck if I messed up and made myself look like an idiot. It could get even worse because, apparently, gramps said it was some private elementary school. I didn't even know those existed, and I still doubt it after going to one. Apparently, it's one of those uppity high-class schools for the brats of uppity high class families, according to gramps. Naturally, I pointed out that this would mean that he was one of those uppity high-class people, to which he replied by calling me an uppity high-class brat. Go figure.
Anyway, it put some pressure on me to make sure I did it right, even more so when it could turn out to be greatly beneficial for me. If I did this right on the first go in front of everyone, I could draw them all in at once instead of in small groups and being all awkward about it. Plus, it was only second grade in an elementary school, so making friends from the get go would keep people close to me for at least four years until I transferred to a middle school. Failing would obviously put me in a socially awkward position that would most likely prevent me from making any friends in those four years. No pressure, right?
The wait is so stressful! I screamed in my head as I sat quietly outside the classroom. I'm too young for my hair to be turning white! I was growing impatient as the teacher muttered off some morning speech or something I had no interest in. Eventually, the teacher finally called me in. I had to quickly shake off my nervousness so I took a few deep breaths to compose myself. After doing so, I walked in calmly and faced the class with an emotionless stare.
"My name is Nagisa Aoi." I broke the stoic face with a cheerful grin and pumped my fist in the air. "Let's have lots of fun together!" I said with unnecessary enthusiasm, receiving a few giggles from a few girls in the class.
"Have fun how?" A boy with short black hair asked out loud.
"How else? With something spontaneous and exciting like the wonderful world of…uh…" I looked around the room, and then shrugged. "Math?"
"Great!" The boy rose as if he was suddenly struck with the same enthusiasm I was pretending to have. "After that, we can indulge ourselves in something even better like literature, right?"
"Woah woah woah!" I held up my hands defensively. "We wouldn't want to have too much fun, now would we? We are in a school, after all. We should do something dull like dodge ball in between math and literature or the excitement might be too much for us to handle." Although the other kids seemed to be enjoying our pointless exchange, I could swear I heard the teacher mumble something along the lines of 'oh great, another one'.
"Kaito, sit down." The teacher spoke up, rolling his eyes. "Nagisa, you can take the seat next to Kaito. Try not to disrupt the class with your little comedy skits."
"Right…" It's not like we planned that in advanced. Well, thanks to him, getting along with my classmates just got that much easier. All praise the class clown.
Kaito remained standing until I reached the desk next to him. He held out his hand to shake as he introduced himself. "I'm Kaito. I bet we're going to have a lot of fun this year!"
I was about to reach out and shake his hand, but stopped when I saw a metal ring going around his middle finger. "I would really like to agree, but I know you have one of those shockers in your hand."
Kaito blushed in frustration and quickly put it away before the teacher could see it. "Ha ha! Kaito has met his match~!" A girl in the back teased. This caused the boy to grin.
"Looks like I've got my work cut out for me. This is gonna be a fun year!" He said out loud.
"Kaito Izawa, sit down! Class is starting!" The teacher shouted, flicking a piece of chalk at him. I watched the chalk bounce off his head as I looked at the boy. This kid quickly became my best friend in elementary and through middle school.
Kaito Izawa, the boy that brought me out of my loneliness only to drag me through hell.
The next few days were… wonderful and uplifting, I think. Making friends was much easier this time around, and I was quickly able to establish some sort of childish social circle within the classroom. The boys were easier to get along with, especially those that were friends with Kaito. All I had to do was joke around with them like a bunch of immature idiots and we got along just fine. The girls were a bit tougher to get along with since I was still a tomboy at heart, but I listened in on the things that they liked and looked up that stuff later on. From that point, it was just mindless girl talk with them and stupid jokes and sports with the guys. Things had finally turned around. I had friends. I wasn't alone.
"Have you joined any clubs or sport teams?" Kaito asked me at the end of class one day while we were heading to our lockers.
"Huh? No, not yet. Some classmates were asking me about it during lunch, but I haven't really heard about anything I'd enjoy. Is there a dodge ball team? That would be super fun." What better sport for children to play other than the one where we bean each other in the head with large rubber balls?
"Nope." He frowned. "Some parents complained about it being too violent and the teachers won't let us start a new one. Trust me, I've already tried."
"Bummer. So what club are you in? Is it soccer? Perhaps it's basketball? Oh, I know! You're in the chess club, right?"
Kaito responded with laughter. "No way! I don't have enough patience for a game like chess." He replied with an undeserved sense of pride.
"That's not something to brag about." I replied, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.
He shrugged innocently. "Anyway, I'm actually in the tennis club, miss smarty pants." He glared at me when all I could give him was a look of disbelief. "What? It's fun to run around, and it's like a one-on-one duel with my opponent." What about doubles? "You gotta check it out!" He pulled two tennis rackets out of his locker and thrust one into my arms. He had to have planned this ahead of time. Oh well. I didn't know how to play tennis, but I remembered my grandfather's words:
"…other than appearances, there are other ways to make yourself more appealing to people. If you learn certain skills that people enjoy, they'll be more likely to open up to you as well."
I sighed a little and smiled. "Alright. I'll give a shot. Just don't get mad at me if I hit you with the ball…or the racket…or both, somehow." I answered. He didn't seem worried and only replied with an over-excited 'Wahoo!'
Tennis was fun, but we lost horribly thanks to me not really knowing how to play or being any good at it. I did hit Kaito in the back of the head when it was my serve, which was way more satisfying than winning. "I told you not to hit me when you served it!" He whined, rubbing his head.
"In my defense, the entire time I was thinking 'There's no way I can actually hit his head'."
"I'd forgive you if you weren't grinning so much."
"I'll stop grinning when it stops being funny. Besides, I only hit you by accident. You're the one that chased that other kid away for laughing at you." I pointed out. He didn't seem angry when he got hit, but he quickly lost his temper when some other kid laughed at him. He seemed pretty laid back most of the time, but he has a frighteningly short fuse at times.
As we passed through the auditorium on our way back inside, I stopped and pointed at the stage. "What are they doing?" On stage, there were five older students and a teacher I didn't recognize rummaging through boxes of what appeared to be props.
"Eh?" Kaito looked at me, then up at the stage with a bored expression. "Oh. That's just the theater club. It's not a very popular club and they barely keep the minimum number of required members each year. I feel kind of bad for the teacher in charge. I heard that he writes good plays, but even then, their performance at the end of the year stinks. I don't think they got any new members this year." He shrugged. "Plays are boring so it's not that surprising."
"That's not true!" I said with sudden enthusiasm that caught us both off guard. "It's true that there are some plays that are boring, or the actors can't bring out the right mood of a play, but if it's done right, it can be more captivating than your favorite tv show!" When I realized how loud I had said that, I looked around and saw that the kids on stage were looking at me while Kaito was trying not to laugh at my embarrassment…and failing. "Don't laugh at me! I'm serious!" I whined, making him laugh more. "Grr…"
A tall blond-haired boy walked to the edge of the stage and looked down at us. "If you like theater so much, why don't you join us?" He offered. It was a really tempting offer, but I had my doubts. How would others feel about me if I joined an unpopular club like this one? Sure, I could develop a small group of friends within the club, but they all looked to be in fourth or fifth grade, so that friendship wouldn't last as long as friendship with my classmates. Despite that, I really loved acting and it was hard to turn down.
I faced Kaito with a confident grin. "Let's do it. I'll prove to you that theater can be fun."
"Hmm…I don't know." He looked up on the stage. "Will there be any super epic sword fights? Like a knight trying to protect a princess?"
The teacher had one hand on his hip and the other on his chin. "Sword fights? Knights and a princess?" He looked like he was really lost in thought. "Yes. That should be possible. Yes, indeed." He nodded his head, apparently talking to himself.
"Then I'm in!" Kaito pumped a fist in the air.
"Just don't chase anyone with the sword if they laugh at you when you lose." I commented with a sly grin.
He blushed and looked away. "Shaddup."
We spent the remainder of the year with the theater club without telling anyone. I had no reason to tell anyone, and Kaito was probably too embarrassed to admit it. The teacher in charge had written a somewhat original play to match Kaito's request. It was a story about two knights who have both fallen in love with the princess they protect, but the princess was to marry a prince of another land. It seemed like a generic plot, but I couldn't call him out on it since I had never heard it before. We rehearsed after school in order to prepare for the play we would be putting on at the end of the school year. The teacher seemed stressed out about it. If we didn't get any new members interested after the play, the club would most likely disband next year. Kaito and I were the only ones that weren't graduating this year, and if it wasn't good, he wouldn't be interested enough to come back next year either. It'd be pretty sad to have a theater club with one member, right?
The year seemed to pass by quickly and the day of the performance had arrived.
"Wah…it's so crowded." I commented as I looked out at the crowd from behind the curtain.
"Stage fright?" The blond boy asked me, looking over my shoulder at the crowd as well.
"Not at all. I'm more pumped than ever!" Kaito and I were given the role of the two knights. I was a bit surprised that I was a knight as well, but I guess the teacher saw that I was tomboyish.
We got into our positions as the vice-principle introduced the theater club and the crowd gave an unenthusiastic round of applause. The first few scenes were rather uninteresting to us because Kaito and I had few lines. The beginning focused mainly on the princess and prince and slowly revealed the prince's evil intentions. Soon enough, Kaito and I had a scene alone.
"You are in love with the princess?" I asked, looking over my shoulder to Kaito, who was doing the same since we had our backs to each other.
"Yeah. So what if I am?" He replied.
I laughed. "How foolish. The princess would never love someone like you."
"Tch. You think someone arrogant like you has a chance with her?"
I turned to face him, grinning and speaking with confidence. "A better shot than a certain foolish pervert."
He turned around and pointed his wooden sword at me. "Who are you calling a pervert?"
"The fool that does not realize that he admitted to being a fool." I pointed my wooden sword at him as well. He growled under his breath and charged at me. For the first twenty seconds, we followed the choreography for the sword fight, but we both ended up getting into it and fought for over a minute. I eventually lost my balance and he knocked the sword out of my hand.
"Any last words?" He asked as he pointed the tip of his sword close to my neck.
I grinned. "Yeah, just three." I replied before running off stage.
"Huh?" He watched me run off with a dumbfounded look for a moment. He looked like he was trying to process what just happened and eventually silently counted to three with his fingers. "HEY!" He shouted. "You dare to make a fool out of me? Come back here, coward!" He then ran off stage after me to end the scene. I could see him smiling as he ran off stage. He was having fun.
I'm not sure if it was that scene, or the scene near the end that made him really enjoy theater. The story ended with my character pushing him out of the way and getting struck down by the prince. After a dramatic death scene, he goes off to fight the prince with my sword and save the princess. Then there's the mushy ending that he wasn't too fond of, but the audience was. When the play ended, we were given real applause. The following year, the theater club had over twenty members, including Kaito and me.
Middle School
Getting along with others became more difficult in middle school. Despite the school being affiliated with the elementary school we transferred from, maintaining the friendships I had only got tougher. Even though we've mostly been in the same classes for years, everyone seemed to be changing around me. Friendships, especially between a boy and girl, seemed more fragile. The guys mostly hung out together while the girls hung out with girls. A tomboy like me was a bit out of place in both circles. It wasn't like in the previous school where the boys would joke about the girls having cooties and avoid them for some stupid reason. It seemed more like everyone was nervous and awkward around the opposite gender. It was kind of amusing.
The boys were really weird to get along with, for the most part. Other than those in the school's theater club, they seemed to act weird when we weren't playing a sport. It felt like they would look at me when I wasn't looking, then look away when I turned towards them. It was a strange feeling. Besides that, it was pretty much the same old joking around.
The girls were…more fickle to deal with. Keeping up with social trends was annoying enough, but now I've started to notice that they excluded certain people from their social group. The most notable and obvious thing they judged people on was their appearance. I hate shit like that, but I was too afraid that I would alienate myself if I were to say it. I wasn't too worried about my appearance, and the girls seemed to like my hair after letting it grow over the summer. Even so, I was still worried when girls that probably weighed less than me were talking about dieting. It didn't make any sense to me, but I went along with it regardless. To maintain my figure or whatever the hell they were talking about, I 'joined' the track team in the mornings and ran with them. They didn't seem to mind since they weren't a competitive team.
The other thing they judged people on was intelligence. The group I was in mostly consisted of girls who hardly studied, crammed the night before, and maintained about a B average. They ignored people who had a C average or below, which was rather rare in this kind of school. They also excluded smart, straight A students and even mocked them behind their backs. Those people studied to get those grades, and these girls treated them like they were the ones who were arrogant for getting good marks. I hated it, but I never said anything. I wasn't an idiot, but I wasn't very smart either. I studied my ass off every night, not to be the best, but to make the right grades. I studied to the point where I not only knew the right answers, but I knew which ones to get wrong in order to keep my grade within the same range as the girls I hung out with.
It gave me a very strange feeling to work so hard to manipulate how others saw me. It was a bit disturbing, really. I don't know if it ever occurred to me that I was probably making friends with the wrong people. If I was going to study that hard, why didn't I hang out with the other students that were on that level? I should have realized that the types of people that I hung out with were the ones that were most likely to betray me. I was too afraid of being alone to really stop and look at what kind of people I was associating with.
Kaito was still my best friend at this time, and it was a bit of a relief that he never acted differently towards me. He didn't give me awkward stares and he treated me the same as always. Of course, something eventually had to come up that fucked this over. In eighth grade, our theater club performed Romeo & Juliet, where I played Juliet and he played Romeo. I'm sure you know what happened that screwed things over. When two young teenagers kiss, even if it's just during a play, people will start talking about it. Rumors formed about the two of us, and even though I denied them and laughed them off, the rumors didn't die. Those rumors followed us to high school where everything crumbled around me.
Ninth Grade
The rumors followed us into the affiliated high school, and things between Kaito and me were becoming awkward. I don't know if it was because I stopped cutting my hair, or if it was that stupid kiss, but he was acting like he just now realized I was a girl. He had developed that same not-so-subtle awkwardness that the other boys had. At the time, I couldn't understand why. It was just a kiss for a play, right? We were acting, so why would that change anything? I was ignorant.
"So are you two really not going out?" Another annoying question that has been asked far too many times. I was hoping they would have forgotten over the summer, but that would have been too much to ask for.
"We're not." I replied, hiding my annoyance.
"Why not?" One of the girls in our little circle asked. "He's totally hot!" Some of the other girls nodded in agreement. Sure, I wouldn't call him ugly, but what does that have to do with anything? Is it really okay to go out with someone just because of their appearance? Just what does 'love' mean to these girls? "You two have already kissed, right? People usually do that after they start going out, ya know." It's kind of funny considering that five years ago, these girls thought he was just a clown. Oh how times have changed.
"It was for a play. There wasn't anything more to it than that." The girls gave me looks that clearly said they didn't believe me. "I'm serious."
"You two are always together anyway, aren't you?" Another girl spoke up. "You should definitely ask him out." We've been best friends for years. There haven't been any problems up until now, so why should things suddenly change? "Don't you want a boyfriend?"
"A boyfriend?" The thought of dating or having a boyfriend had never crossed my mind before. I could speculate what love meant to them, but what did it mean to me? I had never thought about it before. What is love? Is it something more than a best friend? Is it just hugging and kissing and all sorts of perverted shenanigans? I wanted to believe that was wrong. I wanted to think that love was a bond that was stronger than friendship. A lover is someone that will always be by your side, right? Thinking about it like that, it sounded nice. I don't know what it's like to be in love, but going out with someone might help me figure it out. "Maybe." I answered absentmindedly. The girls around me got excited by my response and started talking among themselves about Kaito and me as a couple. I sighed. Is it really something to be excited about?
The next few days were wasted on discussion about the best situation for me to 'confess my feelings' to Kaito. I wanted to speak up and say I didn't have that kind of feeling, but I never did. I silently went along with their planning, giving minimal responses. All their planning went to waste a week later when Kaito approached us.
"Hey, Nagisa." Kaito spoke up, looking a bit tense while trying to avoid eye contact. "Are you busy? I wanted to talk to you about something." I could hear the girls whispering among themselves, saying things like 'He's making the first move!' and other nonsense.
"Well, we were going to-" One of the girls pushed me forward.
"Nope! She's not busy at all~" Another girl spoke up in a singsong voice. I looked back at them, and they all shooed me in unison.
"Sigh…I guess I'm not busy at all." I shrugged.
"Great!" He grinned. "Could you come with me?" I nodded and followed him, ignoring the sarcastic cheering from my friends. It's not like he actually wants to talk about that. I'm sure it's just about the theater club or something.
He led me into an empty classroom and I actually felt a bit nervous. No way. I've seen this in anime before, but this is reality. Is he really going to confess?
"I suddenly feel a bit nervous." Kaito rubbed his head while looking out the window. After a moment, he nodded his head as if confirming something. He turned to face me, dropping the joking tone and looking at me seriously. "I know this is a bit sudden, but I'll get straight to the point. Nagisa, will you go out with me?"
"Eh?" The sound escaped my lips before I could process it. "Go out?" I could see he was getting nervous, but part of me couldn't believe that this was actually happening. "As in like…dating? Boyfriend and girlfriend going out?" I was stammering like an idiot, caught completely off guard. He nodded.
"Yes. I know I've been avoiding you lately, but I've been trying to figure out how I really feel." He pushed back his nervousness with determination. "I've realized that I've fallen in love with you, Nagisa. Please, go out with me."
I didn't know what to say. No matter what I answered, everything between us would change. If I said yes, we would go out; if I said no, our friendship would break apart. I wish I wasn't such a coward. It would have been so much better if I had told him that he was wrong – that the person he fell in love with is a fake. I was afraid of losing a friend, and in the end, I took the coward's way out.
"Yes, let's go out." I answered with an insincere smile, sentencing us to our fate.
At first, everything seemed to be just fine. In fact, things were pretty good. We hung out more like we used to do; rehearsing in theater club, goofing off in the afternoon, and hanging out on the weekend, even though it was now called a 'date' rather than hanging out. The only real difference was kissing, but I never really felt anything when we did it. In retrospect, it was probably a bad thing that I didn't feel anything. I really am a fool.
Over time, I noticed that the behavior of those around me began to change. The girls that I called friends seemed to be distancing themselves from me. At first, I thought they were just trying to get me to spend my time with Kaito instead of them, but I later realized that they were just trying to exclude me. I don't know what kind of vibe they were giving off – it might have been disdain? Perhaps it was contempt, or even jealousy. Kaito was pretty popular among our grade while I was only playing the role of an average girl.
Over the year, Kaito's behavior began to change as well. His fuse seemed to have shortened. He was quick to snap at people when he used to have some form of control and suppress it. I thought he might be stressed, but whenever I asked him about it, he'd say "It's nothing." If I tried to push the issue, he'd just shout at me, so the topic never went anywhere.
He also became more controlling and tried to push our relationship further. Every time he tried, I would tell him I wasn't ready for that or say we were too young for that kind of thing. After that, we would get into an argument that ended with him leaving and me being alone. At the time, I didn't know why things were going this way, but I eventually figured it out. I wasn't in love with him, and I never once said I was. I think he figured that out along the way and thought I would eventually leave him.
Our relationship became shaky during the spring and we spent less time with each other. He spent most of his time with his buddies, while I wasted my time alone. I had been outcasted by me 'friends'. I heard them gossiping among themselves, talking about how I was bringing Kaito down and that I was arrogant for going out with someone so popular that was too good for me. Backstabbing bitches. They were the one that pushed me towards him. I didn't let it show, but I was hurt. I knew it was inevitable; our friendship was built on nothing but lies made by both sides. Even so, it was still painful. I was suddenly alone again. I was still a freshman, so I didn't have any strong ties to the members of the theater club or the track team.
All I had left was Kaito, but when May rolled around, I lost him and so much more.
"May is such a depressing month." Kaito leaned back in the chair, twirling a pencil lazily between his fingers. It was Sunday, but instead of going out, we were studying at my house. He had also brought two of his friends over that needed help studying as well. I didn't really mind, and I was worried that he would get mad if I protested.
"How so?" I asked, trying to spin the pencil in my hand but ended up flinging it across the table. It's witchcraft.
"How else? Club activities end and prepping for final exams begins. It's a pain. The play sucked this year as well. We only got minor roles." He complained.
"It can't be helped." I shrugged. "We're freshmen, after all. A few sophomores didn't even get to be in the club. I bet they were totally jealous of you."
He smiled proudly. "Well I am pretty amazing, after all."
"Of course you are. Now, Mr. Amazing, could you please tell us normals what the answer to number six is?" One of his friends, I think his name was Chuck, asked.
"Geh." He looked away innocently.
"What do you know…" The other friend, Ted, put a hand over his mouth. "He's normal, just like us. How shocking."
"How tragic! My secret has been reve-woah!" He tried to strike a dramatic pose, but leaned too far back in his chair and fell over.
"Dumbass." Chuck said as he and Ted laughed.
I stood up and leaned over him. "Earth to Mr. Not-Really-Amazing, are you still with us?" I called out.
"Et tu, Nagisa?" He groaned, rubbing his head. I held my hand out and helped him up. He pretended to cry and put his arm over his eyes. "At least Nagisa still loves me."
"I couldn't imagine being with anyone else." I replied. For a brief moment, I saw Kaito's smile drop and he grit his teeth from behind his arm, but my attention was drawn away by Ted and Chuck snickering. "What? I thought it was a romantic thing to say." I pretended to pout and cross my arms, trying to hide my worry. Does he know?
About an hour later, I went up to my bedroom to find some notes. I wasn't up there long before the sound of people walking up the stairs caught my attention. When I turned to my door, only Kaito had come into the room. "You guys could have waited downstairs. It won't take me long to find it."
He smiled. "It's only me." I'd be a fool to believe that after hearing all those footsteps, but I didn't know why he was lying. He walked up to me and lifted my chin, then pressed his lips against mine. Something felt very wrong, but once again, I was a fool and did nothing. I could feel him pushing my back as we kissed. Before I could figure out why, I felt my legs hit the side of the bed, causing them to buckle and make me fall backwards onto the bed.
"Kaito, what are you-?" My voice trailed off when I looked up at him, standing over me and looking me straight in the eye with an expression I couldn't read.
"Do you really love me?" He asked suddenly. I felt my throat go dry. I didn't know how to respond to that, especially not in this kind of situation. I didn't answer; I couldn't answer. What was I supposed to say? I didn't know. I thought I would find out what love was by being with him, but nothing ever changed. "Tch. So…you don't." Silence was the worst answer I could have given him. One-by-one, my mistakes continued to build up to this moment, where I made yet another mistake.
"Agh!" I screamed in pain and covered my face when he suddenly pulled my shades off. I heard the cracking sound of what I assume was him smashing it in his hand. He then pinned me down at my shoulders.
"I really liked you. Was I not good enough for you? Were you dating me out of pity? What's your deal? Do you hate me?" He didn't shout, but there was definitely venom in his voice.
"It wasn't like that! I just-" He cut me off by forcing my eyelids apart with his fingers.
"Why won't you look at me and say that?" He shouted. I screamed in pain as the light was suddenly forced in my vision. I flailed around, and with my free hand, I struck him across the face. I immediately closed my eye when he backed up and covered my face again. "Damn you…" He growled under his breath. I backed away slightly, but it was useless without being able to see him. I felt him grab my arm tightly with both hands, followed by hearing a sickening cracking sound as he broke my arm. I cried out in pain, but it was interrupted when his fist struck the side of my face. He climbed on top of me, pinning one arm under his knee and the other with one hand. I screamed for him to stop, but it was futile. He struck me repeatedly until I stopped squirming around.
I could hear the footsteps of two other people walking in by the time he finally got off of me. "Damn, you really fucked her up. She had such a pretty face too." It was Ted, which meant Chuck was probably with him. "The rest of the house is empty." They had been looking for gramps. This was all planned from the start. No matter what I did, the result would have been the same. I was doomed the moment I let them in.
The two distant figures walked up to me on both sides and pulled me up, holding me by my arms to keep me from escaping. "Shit, man. You broke her arm too? Well, whatever." Realization dawned on me when a hand grabbed on to my skirt.
"N-no way. S-stop!" I pleaded, trying desperately to escape once I knew what they were planning to do. I felt the grip on my broken arm loosen for only a moment before a strong force impacted my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. I went limp in their arms. It was helpless. No matter what I did, I couldn't escape. All three of them are stronger than me, my arm is broken, and I'm blind. There was no hope for me. No one would be coming to my rescue.
I could feel the breeze from the air conditioner against my skin. I had been stripped without even realizing it. Fear and panic kicked in and I tried desperately to escape, yet once again, another punch forced me to stop. I had never felt so weak before, but it was only the beginning. I prayed with all my heart that someone – anyone – would come to my rescue.
Miracles don't exist.
My legs were spread apart and I could feel someone standing between them. I'm sure you can imagine what happens next. It was painful. I felt like I was worse that shit and all I could do was cry while Kaito raped me. When he finished, I thought – so desperately prayed – that it was over.
Like I said, miracles don't exist.
All three of them raped me. Not just once, and not just the same place. They went for my mouth and ass as well. They each took turns, swapping holes repeatedly. The only form of resistance I could do was to bite down as hard as I could on the first one to put it in my mouth. With my luck, of course it had to be Kaito. They punched me repeatedly until my grip loosened. Once it did, they threw me to the ground and all three of them stomped on me. I was in so much pain at this point that I could barely register that I was still conscious.
I had given up. No matter what I did, it was pointless. Any form of resistance I put up only resulted in more pain. I hated every minute of it and I wished they had just killed me instead. I didn't want to suffer. They eventually finished with me and tossed me back on the floor, laughing as they left. I don't know how long I was there, but they eventually came back. They picked me up and dragged me into the bathroom, then dropped me in the shower and turned it on. I didn't know what was going on until I felt something sharp slide against my wrist. Those bastards were trying to wash away the evidence and make it look like I was attempting suicide. I was too weak to resist, so they just left me there. I eventually lost consciousness. I wish I could say this was the end. I really wish it would have all been over here.
Life is cruel.
I eventually woke up in the hospital. I always hated these white walls. Hospitals remind me of nothing but sorrow. I was in a bit of a daze and felt rather lightheaded, most likely from painkillers and whatever else they injected me with. I finally registered that I was wearing a new pair of shades. I looked around the room and, as I thought, my grandfather was there. I thought he had been asleep due to the silence, but he was awake when I saw him.
Of course he would be silent. What would you say if you found out that your granddaughter was worthless trash like me? I hated myself. All the wrong decisions I made had caused this to happen. I believe there's a word for this…
Karma.
I was a horrible person, so it's only naturally something horrible would be done to me. I manipulated everyone and everything. I tried to control the entire world around me for my own convenience. I made friends through deception. I did everything I could to gather others around me, but in the end, I'm more alone than ever before. This is the fate most suitable for a bitch like me. He was my best friend and I pretended to go out with him because I was too stupid to say no. I couldn't fess up, and every time that it mattered, I bit my tongue and remained silent. The world isn't scripted. People won't dance to the tune I play. I'm a fool.
"Nagisa…" My grandfather spoke up, pulling me out of my self-loathing. "What happened?" He was angry. "Who did this to you?" Surprisingly, his anger wasn't directed at me. Either way, I didn't answer. It's my fault. He wouldn't accept that answer, so I couldn't give him one. Once again, I was being a fool and sticking to silence.
The conversation ended there when the doctor came in. He said something about having test results, but that didn't really make sense. He wasn't holding any x-rays. It must have been the painkillers, because I started to space out and their conversation went over my head.
I woke up again the next day. "Shouldn't you be at work?" Was the first thing I said to gramps. I didn't want him there. I didn't want anyone to see me like this.
"Like hell I could just leave my granddaughter like this." He sounded like he had forced himself to calm down. He sighed. "I said that I would look after you, but I've done a horrible job of it, haven't I?" He said, more of a statement rather than a question.
"That's not true. Everything that has gone wrong, all the stupid mistakes that led up to this moment, they solely were my fault. My selfishness, fear, and stupidity have brought this upon me. There's no one to blame for this except me." I replied, looking down at the cast on my arm.
"I don't believe that. There's nothing anyone can do to deserve being beaten and raped." He mumbled. I froze.
"How…why do you know that?" I asked hesitantly.
"We found it…in your room. Your torn clothes, semen, and signs of a struggle." He answered, not looking at me.
"We? You and who else?"
"The police. They've already arrested the suspects. Kaito used to be such a good kid." He was and he might still be if he hadn't met me. "There's still more. They did more to you than you know. Nagisa…" His expression was grim.
"You're pregnant."
Fuck this world.
Summer; Age 15
While I was still in the hospital, my grandfather had withdrawn me from school when the semester had ended. My grades were high enough to pass the semester despite missing the finals, but that didn't really matter to me anymore. He had gone on one of his rants about how unreliable the school system was, probably because I used to find them entertaining, but I had mostly tuned it out.
Kaito, Ted, and Chuck were arrested while I was unconscious. Ted and Chuck denied it from the start, and eventually changed their story to saying that I had wanted it to happen. What a load of shit. Who would want to go through this? Kaito remained mostly silent throughout the whole thing. He didn't resist arrest and he didn't deny anything; he just remained silent. Eventually, when he was taken to trial, he admitted the whole thing. He had gone to Ted and Chuck and told them that he thought I wasn't in love with him. They had convinced him that I was just using him and that I should be punished if I didn't really love him. In the end, it was my fault. I should have rejected him. I should have told him that I didn't know anything about love. He would go to prison because he got involved with the wrong girl – me.
Near the end of my stay in the hospital, gramps asked me a question he seemed to be hesitating with. Eventually, he was able to ask me if I wanted to get an abortion. I couldn't do it. It felt so wrong. My selfishness had caused all this, so was it really right to continue to be selfish? I couldn't let an unborn baby die because of my selfish stupidity. I decided that I would go through with having the baby, and I sincerely hoped that I could raise him or her to have a better life than I did.
Things around me changed when I was released. My grandfather retired from his company. He claimed that he was just sick of dealing with suits, but I knew it was because of me, and that only added to the guilt I was feeling. How many lives am I going to ruin?
When I returned home, I found that my cell phone had dozens of texts and missed calls. The most common ones seemed to be "Slut", "Whore", and "Disgusting". It pissed me off. I eventually lost it and smashed the phone against the wall. Those people didn't care about my side of the story at all. They immediately concluded that I was the one that was wrong. Wasn't I a victim in this? Why was I the one being hated? Because it's my fault.
My behavior changed over the summer. I no longer tried to make friends with anyone. It wasn't that I didn't care if I was alone anymore; rather, I was scared of people, especially males. I didn't talk to females at all, but when I was near a male, I subconsciously backed away from them. Every male I saw started to look like Kaito. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't want to end up in another hopeless situation.
I had nightmares every night. I would relive that day in my dreams until I eventually woke up screaming. I had gone to counseling over it, but that was pointless. Where's the comfort in people I don't know trying to help me because they're being paid to do so? In the end, their efforts were fruitless and the nightmares never went away.
Gramps had talked me into taking a class for first-time parents. I was reluctant at first, but if I was serious about raising a kid, it was something I had to do. Being in that class made me realize how different I was from everyone else. I was only a few months in, so it wasn't really noticeable that I was pregnant, but the rest of the women looked like they were at least five months in. Not only that, every woman had someone there with them. I couldn't say if they were boyfriends or husbands, but I was the only one in that class alone. There were couples in their twenties and thirties, while I was the single teenager. I felt out of place. This wasn't somewhere I belonged. Then again, there wasn't anywhere I belonged, was there?
After one of the classes, a few couples came up to talk to me. I had to fight back the urge to run away. I had avoided extended interaction with people until now, but now I found myself surrounded. One of the women asked me why I was taking this class. It seemed they really couldn't tell if I was actually pregnant or not, so I played it off. I told them I wanted to be a mother one day and that it seemed good to learn about these things early. It happened before I realized it, but lying was something that became easy for me to do. I took that chance to ask them about how they fell in love, but they're answers were vague or beyond my understanding, preventing me from getting any closer to finding out what it meant. They were nice people, but they were probably being nice because they weren't talking to the real me.
The real me…I wonder if there is such a person.
Winter; Age 15
Life is unbelievably cruel.
Despite the circumstances, the build up until now kind of had me looking forward to having a kid. Maybe that's why reality had to kick in and take that away from me. I was about eight months into the pregnancy when complications occurred. That's a severe understatement. The baby…died in the womb. I didn't listen to their explanation about why it happened. It didn't matter why it happened. I was too far into the pregnancy to abort it now, so I ended up having to give birth to a dead fetus – a stillbirth, I think.
I failed. It seemed like I was really incapable of doing anything right. I didn't even feel like a woman anymore. I wanted to give that child a shot at life, but I failed completely. I'm the worst. I didn't go to school; I didn't have any friends; I didn't have a job; I didn't have anything that would interfere with me just being a parent, but I couldn't even do that right. How the hell do I manage to fuck up everything I do?
They kept me in the hospital until I delivered the fetus. They most likely kept me there as some sort of suicide watch. I silently drowned myself in self-loathing and hate, before and after the delivery. Why did this happen? Why does everything turn against me? Am I never allowed to be happy? Wouldn't it be better if I just disappeared? My existence is nothing but a burden to those around me. How much more will other people suffer because of me? How many friendships were ruined because I was there? How many futures ended because of my interference? How could I go on living, knowing that an unborn child's life was stolen because of my incompetence? It was so obvious by now. I didn't deserve life. Reality kept bringing me down because it was telling me that I should be dead.
My death was ten years overdue.
When I was released from the hospital, those thoughts plagued my mind. I waited in silence for my chance to end it. One day, gramps finally left me alone in the house. You probably noticed it, didn't you, Tamao? Tsubomi? The wrist that those boys cut wasn't the one I showed you. The scar I showed you two was from my actual suicide attempt.
I had looked it up online – why people who slashed their wrists submerged that arm in the bathtub. It turns out that hot water does something scientific that I forgot that makes the blood drain faster, I think. I don't really remember, but either way, that's what I did. I filled the bathtub with hot water, took some sleeping pills, then cut my wrist as deep as I could with a knife and kept it in the water until I passed out.
I had planned everything out to ensure that I would die, but once again, I woke up in the hospital. I cursed myself repeatedly. How incompetent could I be that I can't even die properly? Is there really nothing that I can do right? All I had to do was bleed to death, and I couldn't even do that. I'm so fucking useless. How much more of a burden could I be? Surely these nurses were tired of seeing me. Gramps had to be tired by now of putting up with all of my bullshit. I didn't deserve to live, yet reality just wasn't done toying with me, was it?
I was sent to rehab after I was released, but it was pointless. Their words meant nothing to me. I didn't want, need, or deserve their help. I never should have survived that accident. I never should have gone to America. I never should have tried to make friends. I never should have wanted to fall in love. I never should have tried to raise a child. I never should have existed. My existence is a sin – a plague that infects everyone around me and causes their lives to rot.
Even after I had given up, my grandfather was still there, trying to help me, and I didn't know why.
"You can't keep running away."
If I can't run, I'll hide.
"You can't hide forever."
Running and hiding are all I know how to do.
"You have to grow up and face reality."
Facing reality has only gotten me crushed.
"Move forward."
I'll only be pulled back.
"Show the world who you truly are."
I don't know who I am anymore. Which Nagisa is the real me?
"The real Nagisa was always there, pretending to be the Nagisa she wanted to be. Don't call yourself a coward. Be that Nagisa that you want to be."
All I can do is try.
"It's better than giving up."
We returned to Japan, and the rest is history.
Author's Notes – After so many distractions and so much procrastination, I finally got back into writing again. You guys totally missed me, right?
It's been so long since I started this that this chapter wasn't how I had originally intended it. I really wouldn't be surprised if there were contradictions with this chapter and previous chapters, but that's the price of not planning ahead. I think the biggest contradiction I found was the age thing. At one point, I'm sure I mentioned that Nagisa was a year older than everyone else and that she missed a year, but when I wrote this, it works out to where she would still join tenth grade in Japan when she should have, and the math makes her the same age as everyone else. I had also expected this chapter to be longer, but I also thought it would be about 20k words, which was probably unrealistic.
I really can't say much for the quality of this chapter because well, I've never written anything like this before. Then again, that's probably just an excuse since I've never written anything before this other than those oneshots. Well, I hope this didn't make anyone shout "Holy balls, this person can't write worth a damn!" cause that would make me sad. Maybe. Actually, I wouldn't be too surprised if I got some hate for this chapter, but it's too late to worry about that now.
Also, if you're wondering why the early part didn't sound like children were talking, it's because I've never written children dialogue before so I don't know how. My excuse is that it's being told from a teenager's perspective of her own memories, so it's her interpretation of the conversations. Yeah, that sounds like a valid excuse. Let's go with that one. Don't believe those anime flashbacks where they remember everything perfectly from ten years ago. That's totally bologna.
Artful Lounger – Yeah, I can see that being pretty predictable. I wouldn't expect it to get too predictable in the future, since I haven't even planned anything out yet, and I haven't done much hinting for future chapters…I think. I can't remember anymore. While it's true that it seems like they've gotten close quickly, that's only if you're looking at it from the perspective of love. What I've noticed over the years, is that crushes can be formed and broken with little to no effort, especially in young girls around the age of those in SP. I wouldn't call it love, though love can come from a crush, but it can also result in nothing at all.
Ctb – Thanks for those messages to get me off my lazy arse. You'll have to keep guessing who will end up with who, cause I have absolutely no idea. Shock therapy seemed like the only realistic way to get her to spill the beans, so I just went with it.
lord orion123 – I don't think at all when I write :D Wait, that's not something to be proud of, is it? I really do need to proofread more…or better…or both. So how were your theories? Did you hit the bullseye, or were your theories better than the crap I spew?
the cold raven – Well, I am evil, after all. It's what I do.
romancejunky – I'm not sure if this is the type of chapter to 'look forward to', but here it is. I honestly have no idea how I made that connection. A wandering mind is a terrifying thing sometimes.
TheNomade5 – I prefer trollolol myself.
Obsidian and Cobalt – Nagisa and Tamao make a cute couple too. That was what this story was originally going to be, but then I changed my mind in chapter…three, I think. It could be the couple, but nothing is set in stone. I also added an annoyingly long wait to your cliffhanger to make you just go "HNNNNNG!" and get impatient.
kaizer20 – I don't think trauma is supposed to be awesome. I'm sure there's a lot of weird/funny words in there. Stop laughing at the angst! You're supposed to be tearing up or something!
demando – Yes, yuri is wonderful, isn't it?
KittyAttack – What a mess my writing is does has becoming of a part is of. Something like that. Feel the angst. Feeeel it.
Joy – I don't know why you feel you have to talk to me that way. As I said before, nothing is set in stone.
ShadowBlade91821 – You make some very valid points. At one time, however, the point of split wasn't actually the car accident, because Nagisa was originally supposed to be a year older than everyone else in this story. I had utterly screwed that up when I actually wrote her past, so the point of split was then changed to the car accident. Looking at it now, this makes her meeting with Yaya at age 5 a rather inconvenient plothole/contradiction. It's not completely unrealistic considering how little everyone's past is expanded on, but it does stretch the limit of believability. I thought it would be interesting to link some of the characters, but the way you see it is also a valid viewpoint.
As for the whole crush things, crushes are very easy to form. Like when you see a girl who likes a guy just because he's hot or good at a sport or something. That's a quickly formed crush that's built on a weak or non-existing bond. These things are pretty common, and they usually die down quickly if those crushes aren't built on. When someone with a crush spends time with the person they have a crush on, it's possible for a crush to be formed in the other direction, but once again, time will tell whether that crush dies away or becomes something more. The reason you don't see much build up of relationships between the others is because this story primarily focuses on Nagisa. What happens to the other characters may eventually have an impact on her, but they're not the focus of the story. Also, I can't write porn cause I can't even write fluff, so don't worry about that.
IzkaMenomi – Thanks! …though I'm not really sure what path it's on.