I need a BETA! To be honest, my writing is crappy and some of my ideas suck. All I need a BETA for is to read over my chapters and correct mistakes, also to help with the ideas I have and to hopefully make them better. This would be for all my stories and any stories I may write in the future. I'm not completely sure how the whole BETA thing works, but I desperately need one! If you know of anyone or if you want to be my BETA, please let me know! I know my stories aren't the greatest, but I would appreciate it if someone wanted to help me. So, leave me a message or a review and I will gladly get back to you. Thanks.

In my opinion this is a very deep chapter. It is full of angst and I apologise if I haven't portrayed the right emotions for this type of thing. Like I have said before, crappy writer. Thanks for giving me a chance.

Enjoy!

EPOV

It's decided. I will make her see herself clearly. I will make her smile more often, make her blush as much as I can. I will try my damn hardest to make her open her eyes to everything that she is. I will try my hardest to make her see me the way I see her. I will try to make her mine.

Panic attacks.

BPOV

As I woke, my head fuzzy, I tried to open my eyes. They fluttered open, and shut almost immediately. Many times I have fainted, been knocked unconscious, but waking after it is always the worst. The way your head spins and how your eyes hurt.

I stayed still, trying to assess what is hurt this time. I wiggled my toes, then my fingers. Not pain there. I worked up my legs, no pain. My arms are fine, as is my torso. When I came to moving my head, I opened my eyes and lifted it off the table.

I was shocked when I could lift myself up, propping up on my elbows and look around the room with no pain. When I felt nothing, I tried to remember why I had passed out. I can remember waking up and going downstairs. I can remember greeted my parents and having my usual breakfast, a glass of water. I can remember hugging my mother very stiffly, then freaking out when my father hugged me.

I gasped as the memories came back to me. Tears filled my eyes as pictures from everything came back. Running from Charlie, collapsing in the forest by the school, James finding me. The tears feel as I seen the last image. James, like a hunter, stalking towards me, his eyes shining a bright crimson. I can remember how his eyes reminded me of Laurent, burning into my soul.

He wished me a happy birthday, told me he had connections. He said it was my time to die. He was going to kill me. Alice, Edward and Jasper came; they tried to get James away from me. He said I was his dinner. I can remember a giant wolf coming out of the trees knocking James off me, like it was his day job.

After that, everything goes blank. The tears broke lose, making my body shake and my head spin. My breathing picked up to short gasps as I tried to get enough oxygen to my brain. A strangled cry escaped my lips and I suddenly wasn't alone.

Edward stood in the doorway, watching me with a tortured expression. It was like he wanted to come over to me, to comfort me, but he knows he shouldn't. His expression showed an inner battle, his heart or his head. His heart won out as he came towards me, over to the comfortable couch I'm currently on.

He approached me, trying to sooth me with his sweet voice. I couldn't hear him, my head spinning. His low voice only a hum as my body shakes. The sounds around me are just vibrations, like if I was under water.

Edward reaches out a hand, trying to touch my arm, to sooth me. I flinch away, not wanting anyone to touch me, ever. His takes his hand back and tells me something. It doesn't register. He tries again and this time I jump and fall to the floor, crawling into the nearest corner.

I look around the room, trying to find a way out and I realise I don't know where I am. I am in some weird place with someone I hardly know. What if he is like James? What if he is on his side and is here to hurt me, like he and Laurent did? What if he wants to kill me to?

I curled into a ball, trying to make myself as small as possible, to blend into the cream walls. He bent to my level, his face still contort in pain. When he reached his hand out, I got the hum, but I heard the end of what he said.

"...Hurt you." I stiffened and screamed, making him jump back and put a good amount of distance between us. Putting my head in my hands, for protecting, I cried harder. Begging him to not hurt me, begging to be freed from this strange place. I begged for him to let me go home, to see my mother and to be in her warm embrace. I want to go home so I can apologise to Charlie, so I can celebrate my birthday like any other normal person.

But as I thought, I will never be 'normal', what ever normal is. I was raped by my brother, abused by him daily. I hardly ever see my parents as their jobs demand to much. I have no friends and I am he most targeted person in the whole school. So many people would be happy if I just disappeared.

My begging soon changed from him to not hurt me, for him to hurt me. My normality is to be hurt regularly, to be alone and to cry myself to sleep. To never see my parents and to come home to an empty house. To go to school and let Tanya and her friends abuse me, physically and mentally. If I want to be normal, I have to be physically hurt. I have to be knocked out, not just go to sleep. To be normal, I have to go back to how I was before all this happened.

I looked up to him, my breathing in gasps. His looked horrified of what I was asking of him. My tears made him blurry, but the disgust was loud and clear. He thinks I am disgusting, a vile creature that disserves to die. Maybe he is right? Do I deserve to die? Should I have just let James do it? Should I have begged him to have done it?

I could feel my stomach churning and I fell to the side, vomiting on the floor. When I had finished, I realised what I had just done. How could I have been so disgusting? I pulled my knees to my chest and cried into them, trying to take away all the self-loathing.

I tried to breathe, but I couldn't. My breathed now sounded like a woman in labour, how they tell them to pant. Not that I would know, I have had that chance ripped away from me. Thinking this made me cry harder. I deserve this pain; I deserve everything I ever get.

I don't know how long I sat here for, crying to myself. God, I am so pathetic. I need to clam down and except what ever punishment I get for messing on the floor. I need to grow up and act my age, not like some scared child.

I never got a childhood. I had to grow up far to fast. From a young age I was cleaning my mother's wounds after James beat her. I had to tidy up the house and cook dinner, just so I could eat the scraps off of his plate. Charlie was never there to help us; he had long gone with his new woman. He only came back to us because he 'missed us', not to help us.

That's when James targeted me. He left mum alone and it was my turn to be hurt. I had to clean my wounds and tell Charlie I just got hurt at school. I had to be the good little girl and pose for family pictures that still hang proudly on the wall. I had to pretend to be a child, when I was really twice my age in maturity.

I have always been mature, always been the one to comfort, but never the one to be comforted. I had to wipe away my mother's tears as she cried, but no-one ever offered me a tissue when I did. I cleaned away the blood from her cuts, but I just bled on my clothes.

My life has never been easy, never been happy. Even when I was small and there was nothing wrong, I wasn't a happy child. I could tell something bad would happen to me, I knew it was coming. I just didn't expect it to be as bad as it was, or is.

As I sat in the corner, thinking my poor existence over and over, Edward watched me. I could feel his golden eyes burning into the top of my head. I didn't look up, I couldn't. My self conscience told me I wasn't good enough to look at someone like Edward, not pretty enough to even be in the same room, same town, as him.

So as I tried to breath, to stop the tears, I found I couldn't. I struggled to breath, to hear again. The humming was now panicked, getting louder and louder. And soon we were joined by somebody else. A man came over, something in his hand. I felt a pain in my arm, but I didn't cry. No point.

As the sedative started to kick in, I welcomed it. I welcomed the darkness like an old friend. I was happy to be relieved of all this stress. The only thing I didn't like was that I would wake up again soon.

Good? Bad? Terrible?

Thanks for reading and I know it's short, but there is only so much sadness you can write. Sorry if I have depressed anyone with this chapter, but I wanted you all to see how Bella feels about herself and the situation she is in. Things will get better, I promise!

If you have read the AN at the top, please, please, please think it over, I really, really need a BETA. My writing is terrible and my ideas are worse.

Thanks for reading and please review.

Twi-girl09

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