AN: Sorry it's been so long since the last update, but here's the next chapter, finally. Sexual content ahead.
Gai woke to the unfamiliar warmth of another body against his. He opened his eyes and found himself looking down on a head of glossy dark hair. Lee murmured drowsily and cuddled closer. He was naked under the covers...and though Gai was still clothed, the heat of Lee's bare skin under his hands made his heartbeat quicken.
As the memories of last night ran through his head, a cold wire tightened around his stomach. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't have sex with Lee until a month had gone by. While he could argue with himself that they hadn't technically had sex, and that anyway, he'd done it for Lee's sake, that cold wire in his gut wouldn't stop tightening. Doubt and shame filled his mind like a dark fog.
What was he doing? Even Kakashi, with his relaxed attitude toward sex, had cautioned him against this relationship. But Gai had ignored his advice, ignored his own better judgment, and done what he wanted. He'd even broken his single promise to himself; that he would take his time and wait a full month before doing anything sexual with Lee.
A faint moan escaped him. Guilt made him sick to his stomach. If he'd been stronger in the beginning, if he'd done the right thing, if he'd never invited Lee back into his home, into his life...Lee would probably despise him now, but he'd be better off. But he'd clung to Lee, and now...now he no longer knew what the right thing was, or if there even was a right thing to do.
Lee stirred at that moan, and his brow knit together slightly. He could feel the tension in Gai's body, and his skin was cold where Gai's hands had rested before he drew away. He pulled back slightly, heavily-lidded eyes opening, and looked at his teacher's face.
Fear slammed into Lee, stealing his breath away and leaving nausea in its wake. His chest felt tight and a lump settled in his throat as he took in Gai's disgusted expression. Dark eyes searched Gai's desperately, looking for anything to hold onto, and when he found nothing there, Lee curled away instinctively, pulling the blanket tight around his body. "Gai-sensei…?"
Gai's hands fisted on the bed-sheets, gripping them tightly. He saw the expression on Lee's face, and his stomach sank. "It's all right, Lee," he said, but he couldn't meet Lee's gaze. "It's...it's not you. I just...I swore to myself I wouldn't, and then I..." He drew in a shaky breath. Get a hold of yourself. He couldn't let Lee see how distraught he was-it would only hurt him more. But it was too late. He could see the terror growing in Lee's eyes.
Gai wasn't looking at him. Wasn't touching him. Looked like- like waking up to Lee in his bed made him feel physically ill. A soft, pained sound slipped past Lee's lips, and he drew the blankets around tighter, feeling vulnerable and exposed. Fear and confusion warred in his heart. "I… I thought… you…"
The Chuunin fell silent, and he stared down at the sheets.
Gai didn't know what to do. It seemed that anything he said, any action he took, would just make things worse...but doing nothing would make things worse, as well. I should hold him. Or would that just confuse Lee even more? No, he couldn't touch Lee now. Touching felt dangerous.
He stared down at the bed-sheets, one hand pressed to his forehead. Do something, he told himself. Say something. He looked up and forced a smile. "I'm all right now. Don't worry. For a moment, I felt a little...overwhelmed. But I'm fine now."
He could hear the determinedly cheerful note in Gai's voice, and he glanced up. Gai's smile was thin and tight around the edges. Lee looked away. "Please do not say things that you do not mean, Sensei," he whispered.
Gai winced and lowered his gaze. There'd been a time when he could put on a smile and tell Lee that everything was all right, and Lee would believe him. But things had changed. Lee wasn't that child anymore. And everything wasn't all right, as much as he might try to pretend otherwise.
Because he didn't know what else to do, Gai slid out of bed and stood, unable to look at Lee's face...at those wounded, dark eyes. He cleared his throat. "I'll...get started on breakfast. Will you join me?" It felt like an idiotic thing to say under the circumstances, but anything was better than letting the silence stretch on and on.
"I do not feel much like eating," Lee replied quietly. He felt hyper-aware of his own nudity beneath the blankets, and his gaze fixed on his jumpsuit lying on the floor beside the bed. His bangs slid forward, shading his eyes, and vulnerability showed in the curve of his throat and the nude slice of shoulder visible where the covers had fallen.
Gai stood, shoulders trembling. His fingers slid through his hair and gripped it, pulling. The small, sharp pains in his scalp were a welcome distraction from the ache in his heart. He felt helpless, lost. Lee remained silent, curled up under the covers, looking small and miserable. "Why don't you ever get angry at me?" Gai whispered. "Why don't you resent me for doing this to you?"
"I do not know what you want me to say, Sensei," Lee whispered. His gaze remained averted, but the muscles in his forearms corded as his fingers clenched on the sheets. "I am trying to make you happy. I just- I do not know what you want. You want me to be close to you but then you do not and I- I feel so confused, and I just- I do not know what you want from me."
Lee's voice was soft and broken. Gai pressed the heels of his hands against his closed eyes until red stars burst in the darkness behind his lids. "I want to be close to you," he whispered. "And I want you to be happy. More than anything. But I hurt you all the time, without meaning to. I hurt you with my confusion and cowardice and my stupidity. When I pull away, it's not because of you. I'm pulling away from myself...from my desires. Because I'm afraid of them...afraid of what I am, who I am. But I know it hurts you every time, and I keep thinking that one of these days, I'll hurt you one too many times, and you'll detest me and push me away...but it never happens. Even now, you're only thinking about what I want. Don't you see, Lee? This is why I pushed you away when you first confessed your feelings to me...because I was trying to protect you. From me. Because I wanted you to be free of me."
Lee was silent for a long time, head bowed, breath quick and shallow, shoulders trembling. "I do not know why you think those things about yourself, Sensei. You mean everything to me. You have given me so much, done so much for me- I do not know why you think that being close to you would hurt me. I do not understand."
He curled tighter around himself, hugging his knees to his chest protectively. The blanket slipped down, exposing his shoulder and the bare curve of his back, but he didn't move to pull it back into place. When his voice came again, it was soft, quiet- a murmur that barely reached past his own ears. "I am terrified. Every time that you pull me close, I am terrified. Every time that you tell me that you love me, I am terrified, because I am waiting for you to pull away. And every time, you do, and I know that it is just a matter of time before- before you pull away for good. And- I do not know if… if I could stand it. Not again. It is so hard to trust you, Sensei, when you tell me these things. But I try to… I try so hard to trust you. And it hurts every time…"
Gai couldn't breathe past the crushing weight of shame in his chest. He tried to swallow, but a lump had formed in his throat, blocking it off. For the first time-looking at that huddled form on the bed-he began to understand just how deeply he'd hurt Lee when he'd sent him away that night. Even now, the wound was still festering in Lee's soul. He'd been suffering, suffering terribly every day. What Gai had done to him was worse than the injury dealt him by Gaara during the Chuunin exams. Gaara had only crushed half his body. Gai had crushed his spirit.
In that moment, existing within his own skin, knowing he had inflicted that upon Lee, hurt more than any injury Gai had ever received...and the pain increased with every second. It was as if a blindfold had been ripped off his eyes, exposing them to some harsh and terrible light, and now that light was burning him alive.
Gai's breathing came in rapid jerks, but the air didn't seem to reach his lungs. A wave of dizziness washed over him. He swayed on his feet, and might have fallen if he hadn't placed a hand on the wall to steady himself. "Lee...I..." Black spots danced in front of his eyes. It seemed very important that he speak, but just breathing was increasingly difficult...and his vision kept focusing and unfocusing in a very distracting way.
Something about the tone of those words made Lee's gaze rise, and he looked at Gai, taking in his shocked expression. His heart twisted, and he looked down, lashes shading his eyes from view. "I am sorry, Sensei," he whispered. "I should not have said anything- I-" Hesitancy and fear were clear in Lee's voice, and he clipped the words off. "Please forgive me," he whispered.
Lee...was asking for forgiveness. Gai had nearly destroyed him, and Lee was asking him for forgiveness. Gai closed his eyes and forced his breathing to slow. Somehow, he found the strength to lift his head. He couldn't weaken...not now.
His guilt and fear were the things hurting Lee...hurting them both. He couldn't allow those feelings to control him any longer, or it would destroy them.
Slowly, he straightened, approached the bed, and sat down. "There's nothing to forgive, Lee," he whispered...and wrapped his arms around Lee, pulling him close. "You don't have to hide your feelings from me." His arms tightened around him. "I'm sorry for the way I acted," he whispered.
Lee tensed initially at the contact, and fear surged up again. He wanted desperately to give in to the warmth of Gai's arms, to be able to trust in that comfort, but he didn't know if he could. He stayed still, hands fisted in the sheets, afraid that accepting Gai's affection would be what made him take it away again. He tried to find words, but uncertainty kept him from speaking. He wasn't certain what Gai wanted to hear from him.
Gai could feel the tension in his student's body, and his heart ached. Oh, Lee, what have I done to you? Guilt started to creep back in, but he pulled his thoughts back to Lee. As terrible as it felt, the shame was ultimately a selfish emotion: if he kept his attention focused outward on Lee, where it belonged, rather than inward on his own feelings, he could begin to repair the damage. He hoped.
Gai combed his fingers gently through Lee's hair. "I feel a little more clear-headed now," he said quietly. "I think I understand what I've been doing wrong. I'm going to try to make this better, Lee."
Lee's breathing quickened, adopting the short, shallow pants of panic. He let it wash over him, let it break, and tried to focus on the feel of Gai's fingers in his hair and the calm, steady determination in his voice. His heart was conflicted. Everything his life was built on demanded that he trust Gai, but that voice whispered, telling him that he couldn't trust him with this- that he was risking everything. Lee closed his eyes against the voice, and slowly leaned into Gai's embrace. His body was still tense, but he nodded. "Okay," he whispered.
Gai held him closer, smoothing his hair. Lee was so courageous. That he was still willing to trust after all this, after being pushed away so many times...love filled Gai's heart, warm and familiar and calming. He lay down on the bed, Lee still held firmly in his arms. "I mean it, Lee," he whispered into his ear. "I won't let fear blind me anymore. And I'm going to stop giving us so many rules to follow...because it shouldn't be up to just me. You have needs and desires too, and I haven't been fulfilling those." He rubbed one hand up and down Lee's back. "I want you to feel safe sharing your feelings and desires with me. I've made you afraid to express them. And I'm sorry for that, too."
Lee tried to focus on the familiar warmth of Gai's arms around him and the soothing stroke of Gai's hand up and down his back, but the memory of Gai's expression haunted him. The way Gai had looked… "Are you sure?" he asked quietly, the soft words muffled against Gai's chest.
"Yes." Gai continued to smooth his hand over Lee's hair and down his back in rhythmic strokes, petting him like a cat. "It's important for me to understand what you're feeling. This morning, what you told me..." His throat tightened a little, and he swallowed. "It helped me understand how deeply you're hurting. I needed to understand that, even if it was painful. It opened my eyes."
"You will not push me away again?" Lee whispered, voice soft and uncertain. When Gai nodded, the tension in Lee's shoulders slowly eased. He took an unsteady breath, then nodded in return. His arms slipped around Gai- slow, hesitant- and when Gai didn't pull away, he finally relaxed. He curled in against Gai's chest and let himself believe that Gai's arms around him meant that here, now, he was safe and loved.
After breakfast, they left the apartment for training. They returned at sunset, dusty and sweat-damp, and Gai started on dinner.
Lee's eyes no longer held the pained, terrified look Gai had seen in them that morning, but he still seemed cautious and emotionally raw. He kept glancing over at Gai as they chopped vegetables on the kitchen counter, but he seemed afraid to speak or initiate contact. He hadn't spoken much at all since their conversation that morning.
Gai knew he couldn't expect Lee to trust him right away. Gai had pulled away from him too many times-betrayed him too many times. But he was determined to win Lee's trust back and heal the wounds in his heart, no matter how long it took.
Once they'd finished eating, Gai reached across the table and lay a hand on Lee's arm. He felt Lee tense slightly. Gently, Gai stroked those scarred, bandaged knuckles. "Are you all right?"
Lee caught his bottom lip between his teeth. For a moment he watched Gai's thumb rub over his knuckles, then he averted his gaze. The fingertip of his other hand traced small circles and curlicues on the table, following the woodgrain, and Lee watched the looping pattern as he thought.
Gai had promised that everything would be better now. But believing in that promise- putting his faith in Gai- was difficult. He kept remembering the way his teacher had looked when he'd woken up that morning. Like having Lee there, having been with him in that way, touched him in that way, had made him physically ill. Without really realizing it, he'd been searching for that expression on Gai's face again all day.
Underneath it was the memory of another expression. The steel in Gai's eyes and his voice when he'd told Lee to leave. The way Gai had never quite met his eyes over that month. The way Gai hadn't met his eyes this morning. Gai said that everything would be fine, but he'd made that promise before. Lee closed his eyes and drew a shaky breath. "I am fine, Sensei."
Gai hesitated, then stood, walked over to Lee's chair and laid a hand on his shoulder. The muscles were rigid beneath his palm, and Gai wondered how long Lee had been carrying that tension...how long he'd been bracing himself against rejection, afraid to let himself trust. A twinge of guilt shot through Gai's heart, but he ignored the feeling. "You're tense," he murmured. He lay both hands on Lee's shoulders and began to rub gently, trying to coax those muscles to loosen.
Initially, the tension in Lee's shoulders increased, but as Gai's strong fingers continued to knead the muscles there, he slowly began to relax. It felt good to be touched by those warm, broad hands. Gai's thumbs dug in a bit more firmly, and a soft sound somewhere between pain and relief slipped past Lee's lips as the knots in his shoulders were slowly worked out.
"That's it," Gai whispered. "Just relax." His thumbs rubbed in slow circles. He watched as Lee's eyes slowly drifted shut. Leaning down, he placed a gentle kiss on the side of his neck. "Is there anything you want right now, Lee?" he murmured, lips moving close to his ear. "Anything you need?"
It was the same question that Gai had asked him the night before. Lee tensed and his breathing quickened slightly, but he fought back against the physical reaction. Gai had said that everything would be okay, he reminded himself. He had. Somehow, though, that reassurance didn't keep Lee's bandaged hands from trembling slightly where they were braced on the table. He didn't know how to respond- what Gai wanted him to say. "Will you hold me?" he asked eventually, voice quiet, the question directed toward the table more than at Gai.
"Yes," Gai said at once. He pulled Lee into his arms and held him tightly. Eyes closed, he rested his chin atop Lee's head and rubbed his back in slow, rhythmic circles. He could feel Lee's heart beating quickly against his chest...could feel him trembling slightly. His jumpsuit was still damp with sweat from their earlier training session. "We should probably shower soon," he murmured, but he didn't let go of Lee.
Gai's words sent a wave of uncertainty through Lee. Was he mentioning that because he didn't want to hold him? Every time Gai had held him since the night he'd told Lee how he felt, he'd always looked for a reason to stop. Was it bad that he'd asked Gai for that? The Chuunin hesitated, then nodded. "Okay."
Gai felt Lee tense up slightly in his arms, and he wondered why. "I thought...perhaps..." He cleared his throat, still holding Lee, debating whether to ask this now or hold off. But if he wanted to prove that he was ready to be close to Lee, that he wasn't going to pull away anymore, maybe it was best not to hesitate. "I thought maybe we could shower together. If you're comfortable with that."
Lee's breath caught, and, unseen, his eyes widened. He hadn't expected Gai to ask for that. He'd never even really considered the possibility of it, and Gai saying those words made him feel dizzy. He pulled back slightly, looking up at his teacher. "Are you certain, Sensei?" he asked quietly.
Gai nodded, looking into Lee's eyes. "I want to be close to you." He stroked Lee's cheek lightly with the backs of his fingers. "I want to undress you and wash you. Will you let me do that, Lee?"
The idea of Gai doing that- of having those broad, strong, soap-slicked hands on his skin, running over his body- of Gai touching him, genuinely wanting to touch him- of Gai for once actually initiating something more intimate between them, instead of carefully holding that side of himself back… Lee's breathing quickened, and he felt hyper-aware of the gentle touch of Gai's fingers against his cheek. His mouth went dry, and he swallowed, then nodded. "Yes, Sensei," he whispered, and his cheeks stained pink.
Gai felt Lee's cheek grow warm beneath his fingers. Leaning down, he placed a gentle kiss against his lips...then took Lee's hand, led him into the bathroom, and closed the door.
Facing Lee, Gai slid his fingers beneath the collar of his jumpsuit and began to peel it off...slowly, revealing Lee's skin inch by inch. As soon as Lee's nipples were exposed, they tightened in the cool air. Gai brushed his thumb gently across one, then slid down the jumpsuit a little more. His gaze searched Lee's face, trying to read the emotions there.
Lee's eyes were wide and a bit startled. His lips parted slightly when Gai's thumb rubbed over his nipple, and the resulting flash of pleasure made arousal slowly start to awaken in Lee's body. That realization made his cheeks flush darker, because he knew that meant Gai would see that he was- that he responded to Gai's touch like that. He bit his bottom lip and tried not to flinch at the rush of cool air on sweat-damp when the jumpsuit was tugged down further. Uncertain of what to do with them, he formed his hands into loose fists at his sides.
Gai's gaze darted down, and his tongue crept out to wet his lips. One last tug, and the jumpsuit slipped down past Lee's knees and pooled around his feet, leaving everything exposed. Cheeks flushed, Gai crouched to remove Lee's legwarmers and sandals, leaving only the weights around his ankles. Lee wore them nearly all the time, even when he showered and slept. After a pause, Gai removed the heavy weights as well. He set them very gently on the floor and impulsively leaned down to kiss Lee's exposed ankle.
It always felt strange to have the weights off- an odd feeling of lightness, one that Lee had grown to associate only with battle and his most strenuous training. The gentle warmth of Gai's lips against his ankle made Lee's already flushed cheeks darken to red, and he looked away shyly. With Gai kneeling in front of him like that, it was very hard to not remember what he'd done the night before. Lee fought back against the surge of arousal that memory brought with it, but his already half-hard cock filled with blood.
Gai watched Lee's cock rising, and his heartbeat quickened. He remembered Lee's cries of pleasure, his soft voice begging, pleading for Gai's touch...
Gai closed his eyes, fighting off a flash of dizziness. They were supposed to be showering, he reminded himself. Taking a deep breath, Gai opened his eyes. He stood, smiled a bit nervously at Lee, and turned on the water. Keeping his eyes averted, he quickly took off his sandals and shed his jumpsuit, then stepped into the stall and waited for Lee to join him.
Lee hesitated as Gai undressed, uncertain if he was supposed to- or allowed to- watch. He occupied himself with unwinding the bandages looped around his hands, and looked up only when the hiss of the shower started.
It probably would've been better if he hadn't looked. Because seeing Gai like that- finally seeing all of that muscle exposed… Lee tried, very valiantly, to look away, but his gaze seemed to be locked on Gai's body. He watched the easy flex of muscle beneath tanned skin as Gai moved, and the slow trickle of water down his developed abdomen. Lee swallowed, and somehow found the strength of will to keep his gaze from dipping lower. Though it wanted to. It really, really wanted to.
Lee was vaguely aware that water was landing on the tile from the open shower door. He hesitated, then carefully set the bandages down on the counter and took a step forward. Steam had already started to fog the room, and Lee slowly closed the distance between them. He stepped into the shower, and the brush of Gai's warmed skin against his sent a shiver through him.
For a moment, Gai stood motionless, very aware of Lee's proximity. The stall wasn't large, and every movement caused some part of his body to bump against Lee's. His cock twitched at each brush of skin on skin. He gulped, heart hammering, and wondered if this was too much too soon...but no. He had promised to stop pulling away.
Gai picked up the soap and rubbed it between his hands until he'd worked up a lather. Heart thumping, he began to soap up Lee's back.
The feel of those warm, calloused hands on his skin made Lee's eyes slide closed. He rested an arm against the chill tile and pillowed his face against it, needing that anchor against the sensations. The water was initially near-searing on his skin, but as he grew more accustomed to it, the heat became soothing- relaxing. Gai's thumbs ran along the curve of his spine, and a soft sound of pleasure slipped past Lee's lips. It felt good to have Gai touch him like that. To have Gai want to touch him like that.
A small voice deep inside tried to insist that giving in to that touch was dangerous- that he needed to hold back, to keep part of himself safe so that when Gai pulled away this time, it wouldn't hurt as much. He tried to push the voice back, focusing on the feel of Gai's hands on his skin. Gai wanted this. Right now, he wanted this. And if he didn't later… Lee would face that then. But right now, he wanted to touch him, and Lee needed that validation.
Gai's hands continued their gentle, gliding motion up and down Lee's back. He dropped a soft kiss on the nape of his neck as his palms slid over Lee's ribs, down his sides, over his slim hips. The muscles trembled slightly beneath his touch, and another soft sound escaped Lee's throat. Gai's arm slipped around his waist, pulling him closer, so Lee's sweat-slick back pressed flush against his chest. "I like being close to you," he whispered into Lee's ear. "I like touching you...feeling you respond to my touch." One soap-slippery hand rubbed in circles on Lee's chest, feeling his small, pebble-hard nipples. A voice in his mind whispered that he was moving too fast, that he should take this a step at a time...but Lee needed this. Lee needed closeness, reassurance, needed to know that Gai wanted him-needed him.
Hoping he wasn't making a mistake, Gai maneuvered himself so that his erection was pressed firmly against Lee's bottom.
Lee inhaled sharply at the feel of Gai's erection pressed snugly against him, and Gai's words echoed in his mind. Gai wanted this. The relief that hit Lee then was so sudden that it was nearly painful. Gai wanted this. He wasn't pulling away, he wasn't pushing Lee away. And maybe, just maybe, he'd meant it when he'd said that he wasn't going to.
Lee finally relaxed. He leaned back against Gai's muscled chest, tipping his head back and letting it rest against Gai's shoulder. The water trapped in his hair trickled in slow rivulets down the line of his jaw and his exposed throat, and Lee let himself revel in the simple pleasure of Gai touching him. Of Gai's body pressed against his, of Gai hard against him, of those hands running over his skin. When Gai's rough palm brushed over his nipples, Lee's breathing hitched, and he squirmed back against his teacher. "I like it too," he confessed, voice low with arousal.
Gai's gaze focused on the smooth, vulnerable curve of Lee's throat. So beautiful. How many times had he imagined this-having Lee naked and willing and aroused in his arms? His embrace tightened around his student's body, and one hand slid further down, over Lee's flat, firm stomach, to brush against his hard cock. Slowly, his fingers curled around it. He felt Lee tense slightly in surprise, and Gai's stomach clenched with a sudden spasm of uncertainty. "Is this all right?" Gai whispered into his ear. "Can I touch you like this?"
Hearing Gai's voice so close, feeling the tickle of his breath against his ear, sent a shiver through Lee. He hesitated, remembering the night before- remembering that morning, and the expression on Gai's face. "Will you regret it if you do, Gai-sensei?" Lee asked softly.
Gai flinched at those words...at the memory of Lee huddled miserably beneath the covers, his dark eyes like open wounds. "No," he whispered. "I'm through with regretting." His hand remained curled around Lee's cock, motionless. "I understand if you don't believe me. I know I've let you down in the past. But I mean it. I'm not going to hurt you like that again." He nuzzled Lee's cheek.
Something tight deep within Lee's chest loosened with those words. He turned his head when Gai nuzzled his cheek, clumsily trying to catch Gai's lips with his. The angle wasn't right for a kiss- Lee, unwilling to leave Gai's embrace, was twisted at an awkward angle, and the difference in height didn't help- but he managed to kiss the corner of Gai's mouth, and Gai didn't pull back from it, and for Lee, that was enough. "Then yes," he whispered. "You can touch me."
At those words, Gai's breath caught in his throat, and his heartbeat quickened. Slowly, one soap-slicked palm slid up and down the length of Lee's erection. It felt so strangely right in his hand. But then, this was Lee-his own, dear Rock Lee, his beloved student, the center of his world. How could touching him feel anything but natural and right?
Gai's hand moved lower, fingers sliding over the slightly rough surface of Lee's balls and between his buttocks. He brushed a thumb over the small, puckered hole and felt it tighten. "Tell me if you want me to stop," he whispered into Lee's ear. His breathing had grown heavy and ragged, despite his efforts to control it. One arm remained curled around Lee's body, holding him close as the hot water beat down on them and slid down their skin in rivulets.
Despite the heat of the water, a shiver moved through Lee. He could hear the arousal in Gai's voice, and could feel it in the tension of the muscled body pressed so closely against his own. He vaguely wondered how many times he'd dreamed of hearing Gai's voice just like that- for once, not telling him to stop, but telling him that he could stop it if he wanted to. The shift in power was dizzying.
Gai, he remembered, had said before that he would set less rules for them- that he'd listen to Lee's desires, instead of ignoring them and pushing them away. With the pad of Gai's soap-slicked thumb rubbing over the pucker of his anus and his arm anchoring him tightly against his body, Lee could believe in that a little more. Once he let the idea enter his mind- that he could ask Gai for something and Gai wouldn't say no, that he wouldn't lose him, that it was okay to want Gai- the nervous excitement of adrenaline buzzed in his blood.
"I want you to keep going," Lee whispered. Emboldened by desire and adrenaline, and spurred on by the sharp underlying fear that craved validation, he shifted against Gai. Even white teeth caught at his bottom lip as Lee's hand brushed against Gai's hip, then slid down between their heated, damp forms to curl around the base of Gai's cock. Lee's breath caught and he waited, wondering if this would be too far, or if he could trust in what Gai had promised him before.
A low, startled groan escaped Gai's throat. He swayed and, for a moment, almost toppled over. With Lee's back still against his chest and Lee's arm between them, their position was precarious-only Lee's other hand, planted on the tile wall, kept them relatively stable.
Still, Gai was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his balance. The unexpected pressure of calloused fingers around his erection made his already harsh breathing speed to a near-frantic pace. Hard flesh pulsed in Lee's hand, and he rocked his hips forward, rubbing the head of his cock against one firm, soap-slippery buttock. His hand remained between Lee's legs, and his thumb continued to rub back and forth across that tight opening...then, pulse thumping in his throat, he pushed a little harder against it and felt Lee's hole relax and begin to give way. So tight. Just imagining how it might feel around his cock made the world spin around him.
Gai panted heavily, dizzy, his thick, swollen shaft still pressed against Lee's ass. "Lee..."
Gai hadn't pushed him away. The knowledge was heady, and Lee felt more than a little light-headed. The slight burn of stretching as Gai's thumb slipped into him was accompanied by the sting of soap, but it was a welcome burn. He'd fantasized so many times about having Gai's fingers in him, about having Gai in him, and even this much was almost too sweet to bear. Lee leaned forward, shifting so that the majority of his weight was braced against the wall, and turned his face away from the spray of water. The change offered more stability, but that wasn't why Lee had moved.
From this angle, it was easier to touch Gai- to wrap his fingers more firmly around the heated flesh of Gai's erection, and run them from base to tip. Gai was thick and swollen in his hand, and the feel of him made Lee's own cock throb with need. His own boldness made him feel both dizzy and greedy, and the temptation to push was strong- to see how much he could take from Gai before Gai would say no, to find where that line between them now lay. There was a self-destructive edge beneath it- an almost panicked desire now that he'd given in to prove somehow that Gai hadn't meant it.
"Oh, Lee...Lee..." Gai's breath came in harsh, hot pants against Lee's neck. His hips jerked forward, pushing his cock into Lee's hand. It felt so good, having Lee touch him like this. Too good. He could feel his control slipping, feel his body moving of its own accord, rubbing hungrily against Lee, seeking more contact, more heat.
He'd promised not to pull away...but if they kept this up, he was going to pin Lee against the stall wall and fuck him right here, in the shower. And this was their first time, and he'd wanted it to be special, and...
Lee's fingers squeezed his throbbing cock. His thoughts scattered, and a low moan escaped his throat. He shut his eyes, struggling to hold onto his rational mind before it escaped into a fog of lust. "Lee..." He slid his thumb out of Lee's body, gripped Lee's wrist and guided it away from his cock. "Not here. Bedroom. We-we should go in the bedroom."
The Chuunin tensed initially when Gai's strong fingers caught at his wrist, but the low, huskily-voiced words penetrated before panic could well in his heart. He groaned, pressing his cheek against the tile wall, and tried to find some kind of control. He could still feel Gai nestled against him, and the slow, sweet ache spreading through his body refused to be ignored. He squirmed, rubbing back against Gai's erection. "Please, Sensei," he murmured, and pressed back against Gai again.
A wave of weakness washed over Gai as Lee's smooth, wet skin rubbed against his. Did Lee have any idea how difficult it was for Gai to resist him? Especially when he begged like that...
No. He didn't want to do this in the shower, standing up, against a wall, that wasn't what he...
Lee rubbed against him again, and he groaned, his fingers digging into Lee's hips. Then he took a deep, shuddering breath and forced himself to pull back. "Lee...please, I...I want this so much, I just...I want to be on a bed."
A low whine of protest slipped past Lee's lips when Gai broke contact between them, but his teacher's words- hearing Gai say those things, hearing the need so clear in his voice- sent a shiver of need through Lee. He twisted to look at Gai, searching his teacher's face, and something deep inside uncoiled when he saw the heat reflected there. His fingers tangled in Gai's hair and he pressed his nude, water-slicked form close against his teacher's, straining upward and tugging Gai down at the same time to fit their lips together. Eager, greedy, and desperate, his tongue invaded Gai's mouth, and a moan of sheer pleasure was muffled by the kiss.
Gai started to pull Lee closer...then forced himself to pull back, gasping for air, trying to clear his head.
Lee was still trying to kiss him, making those hungry, desperate little noises, as Gai fumbled for the faucet and shut the water off. Still dripping wet, he stepped out of the shower stall, gave himself and Lee a very brief and perfunctory towel-drying, and pulled Lee into the bedroom.
Gai's cock was still hard and urgently throbbing. He wanted to shove Lee to the bed and bury himself in that hot, tight body. Instead, he forced himself to move slowly as he pulled Lee close, still standing, and ran his hands up and down the length of his student's naked body. Lee's lips parted under his, and his tongue pushed eagerly into Gai's mouth again.
As Gai returned the kiss, his hands slipped down, over that slim, muscular back, to cup the firm cheeks of Lee's ass. He squeezed them, relishing the way the smooth, still-damp skin yielded under the pressure of his fingers.
The feel of Gai's strong, calloused fingers kneading his buttocks and the addictive slide of his tongue against Lee's was simultaneously too much and not enough. Lee pressed impossibly closer, his hands braced against Gai's broad shoulders. Uncaring of practicalities like stability or balance, Lee tried to pull Gai into him, desperate for more. There was fevered need in the way he kissed Gai, as three years of hiding and holding back dissolved in the wake of pure, frantic hunger.
He pulled back only when he was panting too heavily to maintain the kiss, and stared up at Gai, dark eyes dazed and needy. "Please, Sensei," he repeated, and his hands tightened on Gai's shoulders.
Gai's cock pulsed at the sound of that soft voice, and his fingers tightened on his student's buttocks. When Lee squirmed in pain, he forced himself to relax his grip. "Sorry," he murmured. There would probably be bruises there tomorrow. The thought should have dampened his lust, but it didn't. He felt like a swimmer floundering in a sea of his own desire, fighting desperately to keep his head above the surface.
He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Lee's. Through sheer, stubborn effort, he slowed his breathing. His hands slid up to Lee's shoulders, and his lips brushed against one perfect ear. "Do you want me inside you?" he whispered hoarsely.
Lee trembled at the warm brush of air against his ear, and swallowed. He was only vaguely aware of the dull throb of pain, attention far more focused on the way Gai's hands felt resting on his shoulders and the glorious heat of Gai's still-damp body pressed against his. He could feel the thick, heavy weight of Gai's erection straining against his stomach, and the thought of what Gai was asking- of having Gai in him, stretching him, filling him, of being Gai's- made him groan. "Yes," he responded breathlessly. "I want you in me. Please, Sensei, I have wanted you for so long- please."
A tremor ran through Gai's body. His hands tightened on Lee's shoulders, and he closed his eyes, struggling again to control his breathing. Then, taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes and looked into Lee's. "Lie down," he whispered.
As Lee scrambled to obey, Gai took a jar from the nightstand. His hands trembled as he unscrewed the cap, scooped out some of the slippery mixture and spread it over his cock. The organ was painfully engorged, every nerve tingling and on fire; even the touch of his own fingers brought a low, breathless groan from his lips. Panting, he climbed onto the bed...then, slowly, he parted the cheeks of Lee's ass and slid one lube-slicked finger into his hole, spreading the liquid over and inside him.
Lee's eyes slipped closed and his head pressed back against the pillow as Gai's finger slid deeper inside him, damp hair forming loose spikes against the pillowcase. He lifted his hips, eager for more, and hungry little sounds fell from his lips as Gai's finger pushed in further. When Gai paused to give his body a moment to adjust to the intrusion, Lee made a low, frustrated sound and pushed insistently into the touch. His hand slid down Gai's damp stomach, fingers lingering momentarily over the muscles of Gai's abdomen, then closing around his lube-slicked erection. "More," Lee demanded, and he felt a thrill deep in his heart that was both adrenaline and fear. The need to keep pushing was still there- to validate Gai's words, to prove to himself that Gai intended to keep his promise.
Gai wet his lips and eased another finger into Lee's body. Lee pushed back against him, still making those desperate little sounds.
A part of him wished they could have taken this slower, explored their feelings more fully with each other before they took this step...and maybe if he'd done things differently, they could have. But with Lee on the bed before him-eyes lust-dazed, cheeks flushed, skin damp and glistening-it was impossible to regret anything.
He withdrew his fingers and positioned himself over Lee. The head of his cock slipped between Lee's buttocks and pressed against his slicked entrance. He paused, holding his student's gaze with his own. "I love you, Lee," he said quietly. Then he pushed forward, into him.
Hot, tight flesh pressed in around Gai. His eyelids fluttered, and a soft groan escaped his throat. He'd taken others in this way; he knew what it felt like to be inside another person. But the fact that it was Lee beneath him, around him-his Lee...
His eyes slipped shut, and for a moment he felt dizzy, overwhelmed. He'd never fully realized how intimate it was, being inside another person's body, feeling that press of flesh around his most sensitive part...and he felt a moment of astonishment that Lee would let him do this, would want him to do this.
Then his thoughts dissolved in a hot rush of pleasure, and instinct took over. His hips moved in a slow rhythm, rocking against Lee's buttocks, each thrust pushing his cock deeper into that warm, willing body.
Lee's breath came in rapid, shallow pants. His hands sought an anchor in the steady expanse of Gai's shoulders, and he turned his head, cheek pressing against cotton dampened by his hair. Long lashes swept down, covering lust-filled eyes, and his lips parted. Gai rocked against him again, slowly sliding deeper, and Lee keened. His nails bit into Gai's skin and his back arched up off the bed as he met the next thrust.
Lee was intensely aware of every second. Gai was thick and hard inside him, the intrusion unfamiliar but desperately wanted, and miniscule twinges of pain followed every thrust. The angle changed slightly, and Lee's blood-filled erection rubbed against Gai's stomach. Gai's cock struck that place deep within, and pleasure fired in a searing burst that left every nerve-ending tingling. Deep inside Lee, satisfaction welled. This was what he'd needed from Gai- the intimate press of their forms together, so close that Lee could count every heartbeat, feel every puff of Gai's breath on sweat-dampened skin. "Yes." The low moan was both approval and plea combined, and Lee squirmed beneath his teacher, eagerly reaching for more.
The sound of that single word, moaned in that sweet voice, broke the last fragile thread of Gai's control. His body shuddered and twitched, as if some internal gear had shifted, and his hands clenched tight on the sheets.
At last-after months of holding back, controlling every urge, carefully regulating his every desire-Gai let go. He pounded into Lee again and again, pausing only to change his angle so that his cock hit the sensitive place inside him with each thrust. He gave himself over to his need-and it felt so good, so impossibly, incredibly good.
Dimly, he was aware that this was too much for Lee's inexperienced body, that he was taking him too hard, too fast...but he couldn't stop. It was as if a dam had burst inside him, and all his repressed desire rushed forth in an unstoppable flood. He heard himself moaning Lee's name helplessly-raw, animal sounds-as his cock slammed into him over and over and over.
The sheer, brutal force of Gai pounding into him drove the air from Lee's lungs with every thrust. Lee was hyper-aware of just how big Gai was, both inside him and over him. He could feel the tense and flex of Gai's muscles as his teacher moved against him. He surrendered willingly to the force of Gai's desire, letting the ferocity of it wash over him and soothe his long-neglected heart.
Flashes of pain were mitigated by the sweet ache of pleasure as each stroke effortlessly rubbed against his prostate, and the sound of his name on Gai's lips made the need mount even higher. He felt deep, pure satisfaction at knowing that even now Gai was aware that Lee was the one he was taking, the one he was buried deep inside. Then Gai thrust harder into him, and Lee was lost. Nothing existed but the fevered heat of Gai's skin, the delicious burn and stretch of Gai taking him, and the pressure of Gai's stomach rubbing against his over-sensitive cock.
"Lee...oh, Lee..." The heat of Lee's skin against his, the pressure around his cock, the sound of those low, hungry moans and the sight of Lee's face-eyes closed, mouth open and gasping-everything contracted into a single, sharp point of pleasure. White light exploded behind Gai's eyes, and his muscles clenched in a spasm as he released into Lee's body.
He went limp, panting, the room spinning around him. For a moment, his vision went fuzzy...then he felt Lee writhing beneath him, pushing up against him, and the heat of guilt filled his chest. He'd meant to wait for Lee, to bring him to orgasm before he allowed himself release.
Reaching down, he curled his fingers around Lee's cock and continued to thrust into him, even as his erection began to fade. His hand slid up and down the hard shaft, stroking him in rhythm with his thrusts, as his other arm curled around Lee's waist, holding him close. Lee was almost there; he could feel it in the desperate way Lee pushed back against him, hear it in his breathing.
Gai pulled his spent cock out of Lee, then took his student into his arms, one hand still curled around his erection, and continued to stroke him. His other hand slid between his buttocks, and he thrust two fingers into Lee. He looked into those dark eyes as he worked his fingers deeper, stimulating Lee from within and without.
"Sensei," Lee panted, and he twisted underneath Gai's hands, rubbing desperately against them. Gai's gaze held his, refusing to let him look away, and Lee felt helpless against the weight of it. Thick, calloused fingers pushed insistently into his come-slicked hole, and Lee was vaguely aware that he was babbling endless variations of 'Sensei' and 'please' and 'more'. Gai's fingers tightened around him, stroking firmly from base to tip, and Lee's body went rigid. His breath caught, then stuttered as Gai's fingers thrust deeper, pushing him over the edge.
Pleasure hit in a sudden, sharp wave, and Lee trembled with it. For one wild moment there was the dizzying, exhilarating drop of falling, then Lee's vision blurred. When he came back to his body, his hands tightened on Gai's shoulders and he buried his face in the side of his teacher's neck. Lee was sweat-drenched and shaking, and the heat of Gai's body against his was nearly intolerable, but pulling back was more so. He curled in tightly against his teacher, and his breathing gradually slowed from quick, shallow pants to a more normal pace.
Gai gently pulled his fingers from Lee's body. Wide, concerned eyes searched his student's face. Lee looked dazed, his gaze unfocused, his lips parted. "Lee?" Gai whispered. Cold fear prickled inside him, and for a moment, he wondered if this had been too much for him, after all-if Gai had hurt him in some irreparable way. After all, Lee had been a virgin, and Gai hadn't exactly been gentle with him. "Lee…are you all right?"
The concern in his teacher's voice made a sliver of fear pierce through the hazy fog of contentment. Lee tried to force his eyes to focus on Gai's face, and his heartbeat quickened. "Are you?" he asked quietly, and a touch of that fear reflected in his voice. If Gai pulled away from him now…
Gai nodded. "I'm fine. I just thought...I was afraid maybe I'd been too rough with you." He touched Lee's cheek, still looking into his eyes. He could feel his student's heart beating against his, a little too fast. "I wanted to be gentle. But...I lost control."
The tension that had settled into Lee eased, and he leaned into the touch of Gai's hand, eyes slipping closed. As the endorphins and adrenaline slowly dissipated and he became more aware of his body, he could feel the familiar sting and deep-seated ache of pain- though, he'd never hurt in exactly this way before. Lee ignored it with the aplomb of someone accustomed to dismissing pain as insignificant. "I liked it," he murmured.
"I'm glad," Gai whispered, and slowly relaxed against Lee. His fingers slid into that dark, glossy hair and rubbed Lee's scalp in slow circles. Relief washed over him in a warm wave. "I liked it, too." That, he thought, was the understatement of his lifetime. His arms tightened slightly around Lee. "I've been wanting that for a long time."
Lee made a small, content sound, and nuzzled against Gai's neck. The comparatively chill air pricked at his sweat-damp skin, and he curled in closer to the warmth of Gai's body, one arm slipping around his teacher's waist. "Sensei," he asked eventually, "will you promise me something?"
Gai noticed Lee shivering and tucked a blanket around him, pulling him closer. It felt so good to hold him and not have to fight his own desire. At the sound of that soft question, his gaze focused on Lee's face, and he saw the serious expression there. "Yes, Lee?"
Lee hesitated for a telling moment, and when he spoke, his voice was small and quiet. "When... when we wake up… will you still…" He fell silent and his gaze dropped.
Shame burned like a hot coal in Gai's chest at the memory of how he'd acted that morning. He cupped Lee's chin with one hand, lifting his face, and looked into his eyes. "I won't pull away from you again," he whispered. "That's a promise." He placed a soft kiss on Lee's mouth. "I'm sorry for the way I acted before. I was confused about a lot of things. I know that's no excuse for what I've done to you. I just want you to understand..." His throat tightened, burning, and he swallowed. "It was all me. The problem was all in my head, it had nothing to do with you. You're a wonderful person. I've never known anyone as kind, loving and courageous as you. And I want to become worthy of your love...so I'll keep striving to be better to you."
Lee let Gai's words wash over him, soothing that ache deep within, and for the first time, he let himself actually listen to them- allowed himself to think that maybe he really wasn't to blame for everything that had gone wrong between them, that Gai pulling away really was from fear of his own desires, and not because something about Lee was innately wrong. The tight wire of fear that had clung to the idea of loving Gai from the first moment he'd realized it that night so many years ago eased its stranglehold on Lee's heart. "You are worthy of my love, Sensei," Lee said, and there was nothing but certainty in his voice.
For a long moment, Gai said nothing. Then he spoke, very quietly. "I'm far more selfish than you realize. I've caused you a great deal of pain and hardship over the years...even before that night when I sent you away from my home. Your injury during the Chuunin Exams was my fault. If I'd stopped the fight even a minute sooner..." A lump rose into his throat, and he swallowed, blinking back tears. "I could have spared you so much suffering." His arms tightened around Lee. "And then after that...I...I should never have sent you away, Lee. It was the greatest mistake of my life, and by the time I realized that, the damage had already been done."
"Sensei." Lee's tone was firm and stern, and he stared directly into his teacher's eyes. "You are not to blame for that. I was the one who made the choice to continue. I was the one who used the Ura Renge. I was the one who kept going even after that, because I truly believed that I could win. You did not stop the fight because you had faith in me, and I needed that faith more than I needed you to protect me. If you had stopped the fight before that, I would have always questioned not only if I could have won, but if you believed that I could have won."
He reached up, cradling Gai's face in his hands, and rested his forehead against Gai's. "And… you sent me away because you thought it was what was best for me, Sensei. Even then, you wanted to protect me and to keep me safe."
Gai's breath caught in his throat, and he closed his eyes, tears stinging behind his lids. It was true-he'd done it for Lee's sake. But still... "I should have known better," he whispered. "I should have known how much it would hurt you. And I'd promised you that I wouldn't push you away. I..." He buried his face against Lee's soft, glossy dark hair.
"I forgive you, Sensei," Lee whispered, and like Gai had done so many times for him over the years, he held his teacher close, as if the strength of his embrace alone would be enough to make Gai stop hurting. "You are so hard on yourself… I wish that I could make you see that you are the best thing to ever happen to me. Before you, I was nothing. All I had was determination and desire. You taught me to be a shinobi, to be a man- you taught me that there was more to life than being alone, and that I was worth something, even if nobody but you believed that." He hugged Gai tighter. "I love you, Gai-sensei. And you do not have to be perfect to be worthy of that love. You never have. You just have to be you."
"Lee..." He looked into those eyes-those beautiful dark eyes-and for a moment, he couldn't speak. He kissed Lee's lips softly, almost reverently, and held him close. "You're the best thing ever to happen to me, too," he whispered into Lee's ear. "You've brought so much joy and meaning into my life. You're more precious to me than anything in the world, and you understand me as no one else does." His arms tightened around his student. "I'm so happy I met you, my Lee."
"I have always loved it when you call me yours," Lee murmured. His eyes slid closed and he let the simple warmth of Gai's embrace wash over him. It felt so right to be held by Gai like this- to have Gai's bare skin pressed against his, Gai's breath stirring his hair, with the dull ache of Gai's body branded into his. He rubbed his cheek against Gai's chest and sighed, a content, drowsy sound. "Can we do that again in the morning?" he asked sleepily, the words muffled against Gai's skin.
Gai's heartbeat quickened, and a tingle of excitement ran up his spine. "Yes," he whispered at once. "We can do it whenever you want." He smoothed Lee's hair. "We can try other things too, if you like."
Lee felt a flicker of interest at the mention of other things, but it was dulled by the need for sleep and physical satiation. "Mmmm. Talk about it in the morning?" It was half-question, half-request, and he leaned into the touch of Gai's hand in his hair.
"All right." Gai continued to smooth Lee's hair gently. Lee nuzzled against him, and he smiled. The gentle rhythm of breathing echoed through the silence, slowing and evening as Lee began to drift off. Gai leaned down and whispered into his ear, "Sleep well, my Lee."
Lee murmured drowsily in reply and gave in to the pleasant fog of sleep, safely ensconced in Gai's arms.
To be continued