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A week and a half ago, when my connection flight Panama-Tampa finally landed at the airport so I could finally set foot back in good ol' USA, the first thought that crossed my mind was that I was finally going back to normal. It made sense; after all I was coming back from a two weeks forced vacations in a deserted island where everything from illicit affairs, Brazilian smugglers and wild chasing pigs were the common things to rule my days so going back to what I thought was normal was the logical thing.

Well, it seemed that way and I was hoping for that, I needed that… but apparently I was wrong in expecting normal.

You see, I did get some kind of normalcy if you look at the fact that I've been sleeping in my own comfortable bed in LA for the past week, or that I've been having some decent full meals and even that I was finally to get my hair did like it is meant to be; but overall, looking at the whole picture I still haven't gotten back to normal and I don't think I will anytime soon.

Everything is too messed up right now to call it normal.

To begin things, let me point out that there are some very insistent reporters following me and stalking my condo so that I would give them the exclusive of my survival story, thing that I don't plan to do yet… if ever. To be honest, forgetting that those two weeks after the crash ever happened is all I want and if they keep bugging me about it I'll never get to that point. Besides, they are just creepy and annoying, especially when all I want to do is take a walk out to enjoy the nice LA weather.

Anyway, taking out the reporters I have another factor that is not only altering my normalcy but also my peace, and that's the fact that after my family found I wasn't dead they decided to visit me and stay for a couple of days at my place… all of them very happy that I was back among the living. Parents, sisters, nephews, brother, nieces, brother is law… oh, and that's without mentioning Brie and Nikki plus Mike and a few other friends who have come to visit me.

That's a big crowd if you ask me and as much as I love them all sometimes I just wish they would all disappear. Not forever, mind you, just for a day or two so that I can have time to organize my thoughts because really, God only knows my mind is a mess that needs organizing.

And then, at last but not least we have the biggest change in my old life and that's the factor Mike, my boyfriend. What can I say about him? He really hasn't changed at all, he is basically his regular self but more attentive and quite frankly I can't complain about him; he's the one who has been trying the hardest to keep me content and mentally sane and really, how can I not like that? He's just great, like always. But as great as he is treating me there's something between us that's off. It seems that during my time away something in me changed so if there's someone to blame about our differences it's me.

I don't know how to put it kindly so I'll tell it how it is; I've changed with him because Mike plain and simple is not Phil and deep inside I resent him for it.

I know that's messed up because I love Mike, he is my boyfriend and he has been so for over a year while Phil is just someone I spent what? Two weeks with? And it was only during our final days in the Island that we started to fool around until we finally gave into the tension at the yatch.

So yeah, it's messed up, but as screwed up as this is I can't help but to think about Phil whenever Mike kisses me; and then during the nights when things are getting too heated up I always find an excuse to push him away so I can go to sleep wondering what is Phil doing.

I feel bad about it, I really do, but as much as I try to convince myself that I can't keep pushing Mike away I can't help but to compare one to the other, and in those comparisons Mike always comes off as too bland. He just lacks the intensity that characterizes Phil; his touch is not strong enough, it doesn't feel like he gives it all in his kisses and well… he just doesn't makes feel like I'm a step away from reaching the stars. Plus, his face is too smooth, his eyes are too blue, his smile doesn't make me feel like melting on the spot and there's no fire in his eyes when he looks at me.

See, he's just not Phil.

I think he noticed this, not in its true extent but he did say something about me acting odd with him and then he went to say that it probably was because my place was too crowded and that we barely had time for ourselves. That's why he suggested that if I felt like it I should go with him to the next Raw's taping. According to him it would do me good to see everybody and he hinted that we could even get a one on one time for the two of us after the show was done.

Now, I have to admit that I wasn't too eager for a one on one night with him, but after thinking about it I decided in my mind that being alone with him was exactly what I needed, I had to force myself back to normal and that was probably the first step to take. After all, if there's one thing I have clear in my mind is that I love Mike and that I want to make this work.

That's how I came to be standing here, dressed in Mike's favorite navy blue dress, wearing my brand new Louboutins and of course, with my hair and make-up perfectly done while I force an awkward smile and nod at the small crowd that surrounds me while shooting question after question.

They are kind of suffocating me and I wish Mike was here to save me from this crowd; but because he is getting ready for his match I have to either smile politely or lash out. It's crazy, I decided to be polite but I'm on the verge of losing it because they all want to know my take on everything, from the crash to my days in the Island and I have roll my eyes at them, telling them only that everything was awful and traumatizing.

Ugh, I really don't want to talk about it but this is not the press, these are friends and co-workers so dismissing them without telling them to leave me the hell alone is a bit harder than with the reporters.

"Is it true that you had to eat lizards? Phil told me that."

At the mention of that name, I tilt my head to the side and look at Barbie aka Kelly Kelly straight in the eye. She is looking back at me with a big bright smile in her face as if she just asked the most excited question of them all.

"He told you that?"

"Yes, he also said that you were going to kill him if you knew he said that." With a giggle, she placed her hands on her hips and her eyes grew ten times their size. "Oh, but please don't kill him, we just got him back and you know, it would be bad if you killed him now."

"Yeah, that would be tragic, especially for me."

Now, if the mention of his name caught my attention then imagine how it is like to hear his voice. Yup, cheesy as it sounds my heart halted for ten whole seconds and then it started to beat furiously inside my chest as I slowly turned to him.

As soon as I finally lay my eyes on him I couldn't help but to hold my breath; I mean I haven't seen or even talked to him since the day we got back from Brazil and I wasn't expecting to see him tonight, not since Vince told me that the two of us couldn't go back until the media frenzy dwindled down a little bit.

But he's here, standing a few paces away from me as I stare at him.

Forcing myself out of my trance, I force my lips to curve into a smile and then I go back to breathing. Then, rolling my eyes and acting as if this is the most natural thing in the world, I lift my hand in an exaggerated manner. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you… at least not in front of everybody." Noooo far from that, in fact I kind of want to walk to him and kiss him senseless until there's no air in my lungs.

I don't know why, but there's just something about him that makes me feel antsy; it could be that crooked grin he is flashing or the way he is looking at me that makes me want to go there and you know, kiss him even when everyone is looking and word of what I did would definitely reach Mike's ears…

Of course I don't do that, I have better sense than that. Besides, for all I know he's as happy as he'll ever be with Beth and it's not like I want to snatch him away from his girlfriend, not at all. What happened in the Island stays there and I still have faith that Mike and I can go back to what we had.

Walking away from the crowd, I take two steps towards Phil and flip at my hair a little too dramatically. "So Phil; it's really good to see you. Actually, I want to talk to you for a second." I say, feeling all eyes on me.

Phil pushes his lip ring with the tip of his tongue and his eyes glisten. "So you can kill me? No way Frenchie, I died once already and I don't want it to happen again."

I brush him off like I only I know how. "Don't be silly, if I haven't killed you by now I probably never will." I say that with a smile and linking my arm to his I start to walk away. You see, this is too much closeness for what people are used between us, but after being in this locker room for so long I know that this won't get as much talk as if I was seen sneaking away with him. People think that because we walked like the best buddies in front of a room full with people then we are not hiding anything.

Ha, if they only knew… not that we are planning on keeping on with what we started at the island, but still, if they knew what happened between us they would be talking about this for months… who knows? Thinking about the deal between Amy, Adam and Matt I would say that they could be talking about us for years.

Once we are walking down through one of the back corridors and away from wondering eyes, Phil halts on his tracks and turning around he faces me, drawing his arm away from me. The grin he had back at catering is long gone and he is looking at me somberly. "So I finally see you again, I thought you were going to keep hiding forever."

"I wasn't hiding." I say, biting my lower lip as I look up to him thoughtfully. He hasn't changed, not that I was expecting him to, but as my eyes drink on him I can't help but to notice that he's the same Phil that I got to know so well at the Island. The only differences are that that he got a haircut and that he is not covered in sand from head to toe.

Hmm, I wonder if his island kisses would be any different from his 'at the arena kisses'.

Narrowing his olive green eyes, Phil folds his arms up to his chest and wrinkles his nose. "Really? Well correct me if I'm wrong but it definitely seemed that way to me, I mean you just disappeared back at the airport."

Lowering my eyes I sigh because I know what he's talking about; for the last week I haven't even attempted trying to talk to him and when our flight landed I convinced Mike to get me out of there as soon as he could. I didn't mean it as a way to hide, I was just trying to turn a page in my life and the only way I knew how to was ripping it off. Back to that time, I was sure that it was for the best to get as far as I could from him and the way he was making me feel.

But now is different, I have him here, so close that I could touch him and as I stand under his intense stare I'm wondering why I tried to stay away. "I missed you… and I've been thinking about you a lot." I confess, venturing to look at him once again. He doesn't say anything, but his lips curve into the phantom of a smile and I have to show him a smile of my own. "So how have you been?" I say, my voice sounding too high pitched in the awkward silence that surrounded us.

Without taking his eyes away from me, the Chicago native that has been taking over my mind shrugs. "You know, the usual, I've just been passing my time cussing at a couple of TMZ paparazzi camping down my alley for the whole week. Me and Colt even started to throw things at them from my rooftop but that doesn't seems to make them go away; other that I've been pretty good."

I nod, unable to will my eyes away from his face as he takes hold of my hand to take a look at my wrist. For a few seconds he just inspects the spot where I was bitten and then he lets my hand fall to my side. "I didn't expect you to see you here tonight."

"And you say that as in, 'if I knew you were going to be here I wouldn't have come?'" He asks, resting one hand against a spot at the wall right above my head and I swallow hard at the low tone he is using to talk to me.

I shake my head no, my eyes glued to his as he scans my face. "Of course not-" If I knew he was going to be here I would have come resigned to see him walking around with the girlfriend. But I wanted to see him even though, I wanted to see how he was doing with my own eyes and I'm glad to see he is doing good. "I would have come because there are a few things I never got to tell you."

"What things? That you liked and miss my excellent culinary skills and that every time you've watched Rango you get hungry?"

I chew my lips, sure, what he just said sounded innocent and even kind of lighthearted, but if you take in consideration the dark whispering tone he is using in his talk or the way he is hovering over me, you'll see that there is no reason for me to respond with a friendly smile.

"Not really," I say resting the weight of my body in my left foot. "I just wanted to thank you. I don't think I would be alive if…"

Preventing me to talk any further than that and getting me off guard, Phil lowers his face to mine and before I can do or say anything his lips are on mine. It all happened very quickly, one moment I was about to thank him about everything, for pulling me out of the plane, for feeding me, for keeping me safe and sane and the next second he is kissing me.

Not only that, as soon as his lips met mine I automatically closed my eyes and received him, allowing him entrance into my mouth as his tongue slowly but firmly sought mine. And well, wrong as this may be I can't help but to respond to him, feeling as if my body is melting against him as his arm circles my waist to hold me to him.

Now, this is not how I wanted things to turn to, I mean I came here as a way to fix things with Mike and look at me, kissing another man in a public place and not even attempting to stop him; I just grab the fabric of his hoodie and pull him nearer as my other hand goes to cradle the back of his head.

See, this is messed up, I am messed up and I don't know how to make things right…