Trash

((Author's Note: This is the result of a one-hour random word challenge using the word "Trash." I lost track of time while writing it, so we'll just say it was an hour, haha. My muse has been temperamental the last couple weeks, so sorry for the update delays. Anyway, The chair featured in this story has been mentioned before in some of my fics, and the second I saw this word, I thought of Reno's apartment (during his Turk days in Midgar, which is when/where this takes place). I hope you enjoy! ~ JenesisX ))

Trash: noun. anything worthless, useless, or discarded; rubbish.

Reno was excited as he used his keycard to unlock his apartment door. He was a bit buzzed following an evening out to dinner and drinking at his favorite bar, celebrating his birthday with his best friend. He'd been feeling depressed all week as the big day approached. Another year gone by… He was getting older all the time, and the lack of family or a special girl to celebrate it with only made things worse. Thankfully, Rude knew him all too well, taking him out to celebrate so he wouldn't sit at home brooding and getting drunk with his cat.

They'd had a great time, but that was not the reason for Reno's jubilation as he pushed his way through the door. During the drive home, Rude had informed him that a special gift awaited in his apartment. He was even more glad than usual that he'd insisted on driving, as his friend proceeded to order him to go faster and make aggressive maneuvers the entire trip. Reno had practically jogged to the elevator, pacing inside the small car and glaring at the other residents who boarded on different floors and slowed down the ride. Finally, the moment had arrived, and the redhead burst inside with Rude just behind.

"Where is it?!" Reno exclaimed, his eyes as bright as a child's on Christmas morning.

"Right there," Rude said, pointing across the living room. He couldn't wait to see the look of delight on his partner's face. He'd been looking forward to it all evening. For all his oddities and annoying behaviors, he thought of Reno as a brother… though no one would ever mistake them as such.

Reno followed his finger, then quickly looked back in Rude's direction with one eyebrow raised in confusion. "Where?"he repeated, completely baffled.

"Right. There."

Reno frowned, turning back to check again. "Um… I don't see anything, Rude. Is this a sick jo- Wait, why the hell is there a sheet over my chair?"

Rude sighed, smacking himself in the forehead with an open palm. "Maybe you should lift it up and see what's underneath?"

He watched as Reno slowly approached the covered piece of furniture, as if he was on a dangerous mission and expecting a trap. Rude half expected him to draw his gun. Finally, he reached the offending item and cautiously moved his hand toward it. Rude shook his head, smirking at how ridiculously he was acting. Then again, all those years as a Turk did go a long way toward making one paranoid. He had to admit he'd likely have done the same thing if he'd had as many beers as Reno.

Finally, Reno took a hold of the sheet and yanked it back in one smooth motion, hopping backwards as he did so. He froze, holding the sheet in one hand as he stared at what it had been hiding. Almost a full minute passed, before Reno spun around on his heel to stare at Rude with his mouth hanging open. His eyes were wide with disbelief… and horror. Rude frowned, having hoped for a more enthusiastic reaction to the expensive gift.

"My chair!" Reno exclaimed, letting the sheet drop to the floor. His orange tabby cat, Pissy, appeared out of nowhere and pounced onto it. "Rude! What happened to my favorite chair?!"

Uh oh…

"Umm… Don't you like it?" Rude asked, cringing inwardly.

"I'm sure it's great and all, but… Seriously, where's my chair, yo?"

"It's, uh…" Rude paused to clear his throat, sweat beginning to trickle down his back, "in the trash."

"WHAT?!"

"Reno, that thing was disgusting, and beat to hell. That's where it belonged."

"Dude, no! My chair! Oh gods, this can't be happening!"

For a moment, Reno looked like he was about to cry, still staring at Rude with accusation in his glassy blue eyes. Rude groaned to himself, wondering who he'd offended in a past life to end up with Reno as his best friend. Nothing was ever simple or easy where the redhead was concerned, and he should have known a simple gesture of kindness on his birthday would be no different.

"Did you even look at this one?" Rude asked, frustrated and wanting to step in before he became hysterical. "This is no ordinary chair, Reno. It's a Comfy-Man 3000X!"

"A what…?" Reno asked, glancing down to watch his cat bury himself in the discarded bed sheet. He didn't even smile, which was a very bad sign indeed.

"It's the best of the best. Top of the line, the height of comfort and convenience," Rude explained, cringing at how much he sounded like the commercial he'd seen. "This is one fucking sweet chair, Reno. It has everything you could ever want!"

"But… it's not my chair…"

"It is now! Would you at least listen? Gods."

"Fine… What's so great about it?"

"To start, it's brand new, and looks and smells clean," Rude said, still trying to forget the horrors of its predecessor. "The material can be easily and safely wiped down, so if you spill something, it's no big deal. It's also completely stain resistant, and it's guaranteed against all wear and tear for ten years!"

"Sounds like a chair for a neat freak," Reno said with a pointed look. Rude frowned, hoping it didn't seem like he'd bought the thing for himself. He hadn't, of course, but he admitted his own concerns and preferences might have snuck into the decision. He'd been determined to find something Reno-proof, and the salesman had assured him that even the biggest slob on the Planet couldn't ruin this chair. Rude had assured him that his best friend would definitely be putting that claim to the test.

"That's just the start of it. I'm getting to the good stuff," Rude said with a heavy sigh, watching as Pissy abandoned the sheet and curiously approached the new recliner. "Now, this material is supposed to be unsatisfying to scratch, so the little angel here may actually have to use his scratching post now… or the couch more likely. Stupid cat…"

"Hey, not on my birthday, you chair trasher!"

"Why do I even bother…"

Pissy chose a section of the chair and extended a paw, nails extended and ready to make this new piece of furniture his own. But when he raked them down the deep blue material, he instantly stepped back and cocked his head, puzzled. His nails has been unable to sink into the material, and there was no satisfying tearing sound to please his kitty ears. A moment later, he seemed to shrug and walked a few steps away to his deluxe model cat tree and scratching post. Rude almost cheered when the feline began to claw at it in earnest.

"See!" he exclaimed, trying not to sound shocked that it actually worked.

"Wow," Reno finally allowed, watching his cat with amazement. "That's awesome! I mean… I still hate it, of course. Can we go get mine out of the trash now?"

"What?! NO! That's disgusting, and it already got picked up this afternoon. Tseng helped me take it down there early this morning, because I had this feeling…"

"You guys are assholes…"

"Here, I kept everything we found in and under the vile thing," Rude said, opening the drawer on one of Reno's end tables and removing several large baggies. He tossed them to the sulking Reno, who immediately opened all of them and dumped the contents onto the coffee table. He began to sort through the items, studying some as if he'd never seen them before. Perhaps he hadn't, Rude thought with a shudder.

"Remote control, six toy mice, lotsa change… Ooh, a condom! Nail clippers, nudey magazine, cookie, catnip pillow, beer can, bunch of hair bands, sun glasses, something sticky, 3 bullets, a CD, super ball, more gil… Wow. A virtual treasure chest!"

"It was really gross, Reno. You should have seen the shit we had to vacuum up, and what fell out when we turned the thing over. I love you, man, but you're a pig."

Reno giggled, absently paging through the magazine and forgetting about the rest of the recovered items. "Pfft, whatever."

"Now, do you want to hear the really cool stuff about your chair, or what?"

"Sure, I guess…"

"Okay, for starters, there is a pouch on the side for your porn and remote, and a drink holder folds out from one of the arms."

Reno glanced up for a moment, looking slightly interested but trying to hide it. "Meh."

"It reclines into six different positions, all by remote, so you never have to move. And it has safety features built in for small kids and pets, so it won't close if anything is under it. See? I even thought of the little fucker…"

"Yeah… thanks," he said with a shrug, glancing back at the new chair with a sigh. "It just won't be the same…"

"Why don't you sit in it and try it out?" Rude suggested, trying his damndest not to lose his temper and throttle his friend. He also tried not to think about how much gil he'd spent on the chair, or how much it was going to suck to have to return it. Hell, maybe he'd just keep the thing…

"Okay, if you want," Reno agreed without enthusiasm. He rose from where he'd crouched to sort through the retrieved items, approaching the chair as if being forced to greet an aunt he couldn't stand. He studied it for a moment, then turned and flopped into its plush cushions.

"Hmm, comfy," he said, running his hands over the arms. "It feels like leather, but softer and not all tacky. My favorite color, too."

"Here, try some of the settings." Rude handed Reno the remote control, then stood back to watch. He knew how much his friend liked to press random buttons just to see what would happen, and sure enough he began to do just that. At least this time he knew nothing was going to explode.

Reno almost smiled as a compartment opened beneath one arm and a cup holder rose into place. The next button he pushed caused the chair to recline, and he rapidly went through the various positions with a bigger and bigger grin on his face. Rude could feel his expression begin to mirror Reno's, the tension gradually melting away. Maybe this wasn't such a disaster after all.

Once Reno had experienced each position and shifted around to try various lounging poses, he turned back to Rude, his smile still a bit forced. "Well, thanks, partner. It's a really nice chair. I'm sure I'll get used to it."

"You missed a button, down at the very bottom."

Rude crossed his fingers behind his back. This feature would make or break the gift, and he dearly hoped it was enough to get Reno to stop fixating on the piece of shit he'd been using and appreciate just how amazing a recliner this really was.

Reno frowned down at the remote control, finally locating the button and pressing it. He looked around curiously, trying to see if anything had changed. And then it hit him.

"Whoa!" he exclaimed, his voice vibrating along with the chair. "Sweet!"

"Yep. It's a massage chair. There are five different levels, and it can also be set to warming or cooling. So on those hot days, when we've been outside on our feet for ten hours, you can come home, set it to cooling, and get a nice massage. And in the winter, it'll warm you up... all while holding your beer, and keeping your other necessities right there in the pouch so you don't lose them. You can spill shit all over it, and it will stay just like new. It's even inflammable, to protect you dumbass smokers from setting it on fire. Pissy will be safe, and won't be able to shred it to ribbons like the old one… So, do you like it now?"

"Yes!" Reno exclaimed, closing his eyes and smiling with pure bliss as the chair worked its magic. "This is fucking awesome!"

"Glad you like it… Happy birthday, man."

"Thanks, Rude. You're the best friend a guy could ever have. But you know what…?"

"Eh?" Rude was already at the refrigerator, getting his friend a beer to go along with his massage. He looked back over his shoulder, wondering what was wrong now.

"There's one thing it doesn't have, that would make it the best thing ever."

"Oh…?"

"The bottom should open up into a little toilet. Then I'd never have to get up again!"

"You're fucking disgusting."