Friday? Who cares about Friday. I was just waiting for Saturday. Aquarium day. You're my boyfriend, I'm your boyfriend day. Officially mine day. Happy, cute, smiling Deku day. Everything will be perfect day.
I hardly remember Friday. Deku took medication before coming to school that day. His reaction time was slower and he was a little sleepy all day but at least he avoided panic attacks. I had a chat with Mr. Aizawa. He basically just told me not to make a scene in class. There were classes, then lunch, then more classes. Deku and I hung out at my place. He'd just gotten the new Pokémon for switch so we started playing it together. He let me name our starter so it was named Destroyatron. Deku couldn't stop laughing his cute, joyful, rich laugh.
I couldn't sleep Friday night, I think I only shut my eyes for three or four hours then woke up feeling like I'd just downed five shots of espresso. I spent way longer than usual choosing my outfit. I wanted to be so handsome that Deku wouldn't even consider saying no. In the end, I decided on a button-up over my only pair of jeans without rips and a black leather jacket that I'd snatched from the school's lost and found. I'll admit, I looked pretty okay.
Before leaving, I printed out our pre-paid tickets and shoved a handful of individually packaged hand sanitizing wipes into my jacket pocket. Nothing could go wrong, I'd thought of everything. I said bye to my parents and excitedly left the house. There was a churning in my stomach the whole time I walked to the subway platform. It was happiness and fear and excitement and nervousness and butterflies. A whole fuck ton of butterflies.
When I arrived at the metro station, I found Deku sitting on a bench at our platform, his attention consumed by a brochure for the aquarium. He read it over with deep interest. I couldn't help but smile in his presence.
I quietly walked around the back of him and sat behind him on the bench. I leaned back, my back resting against his. He was surprised for only a moment before turning around and finding my smirking face. He smiled back, practically glowing. "Kacchan~" He greeted in a sweet voice.
"Hey, Nerd. You ready?" I greeted back.
He thought about it for a while. "Hmm… this is a date, right?"
I blushed. "Yeah."
"Then… will you hold my hand?"
My blush deepened. "S-sure."
"Then I'm ready to go." He said, turning up the palm of his left hand invitingly. I got up and walked around before taking the lithe hand in mine. I looked him over. He wore a pastel yellow hoodie over rolled up jeans. I smiled imagining him standing in front of his mirror, trying on different things and checking himself out in all angles. He looked cute as hell. With my free hand, I made my fingers into a little heart. He giggled and did the same.
How could this go wrong? I never could have imagined that something so perfect could take such a horrible turn.
We stood together at the platform, waiting for the metro, with our fingers locked together. Some people looked, some whispered, I hardly noticed. What I did notice was how Deku's freckles made his cheeks look like robin's eggs, how my heart was beating wildly in my chest, how he kept sneaking glances at me with his glittering emerald eyes.
He clutched my jacket on the subway ride so he wouldn't have to hold the rails. The subway was an inherently dirty place and I noticed that, after a few minutes, he started clenching and releasing his fists softly, a sign of building anxiety. I dug an alcohol wipe out of my pocket and held it out as an offering.
He looked at it, surprised. "Was that in your pocket?" He asked, accepting it. I nodded as he ripped open the package and started to clean his hands. "You brought it for me?" I nodded again. He blushed and smiled, looking down to hide his flushed face. He was so beautiful. I couldn't wait to ask him my question. I couldn't wait to take him camping someday and map the constellations with him. I couldn't wait to buy him a big knit sweater for Christmas. I couldn't wait for forever to come.
We arrived at the aquarium and I impressed him with my prepared tickets. As soon as we walked in, he was amazed by the replica blue whale hanging from the ceiling. He rambled on about how big it was and how amazing the sea is. It made me laugh to watch him act like an excited child. I wanted to keep him like that forever. Naive and happy. We can't always get what we want, though.
"Where should we go first?" I asked him after he had calmed down some.
"I really want to see the jellyfish." He said, taking my hand.
"Not until the end."
"Huh? Why?"
"It's the special exhibit, right? We should save the best for last. Besides, the website said this is the busiest time of the day so you'd be seeing more backs than jellyfish."
"Wow, you read the website?" He giggled, impressed.
I shrugged. "It's not like I can't read."
He showed me the little finger heart. I rolled my eyes with a smile and made the same symbol.
Deku looked around. He pointed to a hallway. "I think we should go that way." He said. I knew from memory that we would see manta rays, clown fish, cardinal fish, and every colorful swimmer in the ocean. I let him lead the way.
Every new fluorescent color amazed Deku. He studied each fish's stripes and spots with content while rambling each swimmer's scientific name, natural habitat, migration pattern, and interesting facts. "How do you know all this?" I asked. "Are you super into fish or something?"
"Or something~" He replied. "I just think they're neat. We had a fish tank in our house when I was younger, a big long one with eels and angel fish and tangs. Did you ever have fish, Kacchan?"
"Just a few snails. I picked them off the peer and had a little tank."
He gave me a beaming smile. "I wish I had known you as a kid~" He said before turning his attention back to the sunfish. My face was pink.
The hall we were in led around eventually to the interactive starfish tank. Little kids happily felt around in the water, touching all the plants and feeling the roughness of the starfish. Deku happily gazed in alongside them. I stood at his side, gazing down at the tub. "Don't you want to play with them too?" I asked.
He seemed like he wanted to say yes. I could tell by the way he watched the kids that he wanted to do that too but still, he shook his head. "I-I'm okay…"
"Tell me what's really going on." I said, nudging him gently with my elbow.
"I don't want to freak out here."
"You're not going to freak out." I promised. "You're not stressed right now, are you?" I asked. He shook his head. "You're not stressed, I have alcohol wipes in my pocket, and there's a bathroom just a little ways up on the left." I reached in and picked up a big red starfish. The underside of its legs tickled my hand. "And besides, this one doesn't have any germs."
He chuckled and eyed the animal with both hesitation and desire. He slowly reached out and stoked its back a few times. I watched as his nervousness slowly melted away. "Can you imagine living in Australia and being able to see things like this every day?"
I could see in his eyes there was some sincerity in that dream. "Yeah, that would be cool. I bet there are a lot of marine biologist jobs out there."
He looked up into my eyes, surprised. "How did you know about that?"
"About what?"
"That's been my dream since I was six." He said.
"It seemed like it would suit you."
"Kacchan… do you really think that?"
I nodded. "Yeah…"
He took the starfish from my hand and put it back on a rock gently. "It's just… I dunno, it's just an idea…" When he turned around, I had an alcohol wipe ready. He started cleaning his hands.
"It's a good idea." I said.
"Kacchan… I don't want to go to Australia if you're going to be here…" He admitted, looking away with embarrassment.
I thought about that for a while. "Well… Australia seems nice. No tsunami…"
He looked up to me, eyes wide. "Would you really consider going with me?"
I quirked up the side of my mouth in a little smile. "Yeah…"
He was blushing again. "Are you real, Kacchan? Like… maybe I died a few months back and now I'm living out some weird purgatory fantasy… or there's a lab somewhere testing out a new AI program on me. Do you have a social security number?"
"Wh-what? Of course I do, you weirdo." I answered.
"I don't believe you. There's not real people like you."
"Oh my God, shut up." I diverted my gaze, my face beet red. I couldn't take it when he said such cute things.
Deku chuckled a little bit. "Come on, let's go. They have a manatee here." He pulled my sleeve.
I followed him. We sat in an observatory room with one giant glass wall and watched a blobby sea cow have a leisurely swim around his tank. Deku leaned against me as we watched it do its thing. I thought about the Australia discussion. 'When I considered going with him to Australia, it seemed like an easy decision… I haven't even known him that long. Don't people usually struggle with this for a long time? In movies, I see couples who break up over this. Is it normal that I'm so in love with him so quickly? Is it weird that this is such an easy decision?' I wondered. It felt so easy, so second nature to stay with him no matter what.
After the manatee, we went to the freshwater exhibit where we saw beta, guppies, and angelfish. Deku was absolutely in love with the goldfish. He couldn't stop laughing about their puffy hairdos. God, he was adorable. We saw a pair of dolphins, a tank of eels, we touched some squid, and we took a selfie with a grown man in a plush penguin costume. I hated taking photos of my self and I did not particularly like mascots either but Deku wanted to so of course, I told him it was a good idea. He fawned over the picture directly afterwards, saying he wanted to print it out for his wall. He was ridiculously embarrassing.
Finally, it came time to visit the jellyfish. The daily dolphin show had just begun so we had the whole exhibit to ourselves. The ceiling lights provided only as much illumination as necessary. All the light in the room came from the tanks. "Wow…" Deku whispered in amazement.
Some looked like wispy little doilies while others boasted bold colors and wore long lacy tails. Some glowed under blacklight while others sparkled naturally. Deku took my hand as he walked around the room slowly, inspecting each and every jellyfish closely. When we had been to every tank, he turned around and smiled at me with effervescent joy in his eyes. "Kacchan… this is so amazing! Thank you so much for bringing me here."
Slowly, in the lowlight, I grasped his chin and brought it into mine. I united our lips and instantly, his fell in time with mine. We had learned how to kiss each other, we were perfectly in sync now. I broke the soft kiss to look into those amazing eyes. He watched me expectantly with pure adoration. "Deku, be my boyfriend." I whispered.
He chuckled softly. "My answer was yes long before I ever met you." His time, he pushed onto his toes to reach my lips and brought us into another kiss. My arms wrapped around him to support him. I wanted this forever. I wanted him forever. I thought nothing could ever ruin this. Nothing could even come close.
We left the exhibit and walked back out into the well-lit aquarium, Deku clinging to my arm affectionately. I was leading him to the giftshop so I could give him something to commemorate this date. It was super cheesy but I thought Deku would like a cheesy gesture. He stopped while we were walking, still smiling as he noticed a maintenance man just a few yards ahead of us, sweeping up spilled popcorn. "Hey, Kacchan! That's my da-" He excitedly said, stopping mid vowel as if someone had pressed pause on him. His smile remained a moment but quickly lost sincerity.
"Hm?" I glanced from Deku to the maintenance worker. For a moment, I was hit with a kind of déjà vu. I felt like I knew him. But from where? I concentrated on his face, trying to figure out if I actually knew him. I quickly realized that I didn't… but I knew his son.
Like Deku, I was frozen for a moment. 'Is that his dad!? It must be, the resemblance is uncanny… Oh shit… oh shit, holy shit! Holy mother fucking shit, this isn't a drill. This is actually happening. Deku knew… shit, he knows. He said that was his dad. Fuck'n shit. Is he remembering?' I quickly looked to Deku.
He had let go of my arm and was just staring ahead blankly now at the man who hadn't noticed us. Slowly, his trembling lips began to move. "Th-that… that's my dad…" He said unbelievingly. "That's my dad…"
"Deku, let's go." I decided, taking his hand and trying to turn around.
He ripped his hand out of mine and looked to me with teary eyes that read terror, confusion, and pain. "That's my dad…" He repeated, trying to make sense of that statement.
'No… Why is this happening? Why now of all times?' I wondered. 'What the hell do I do? I'm not prepared. What do I do?' I tried the same tactic again, hopeless and clueless. "Deku, we should go. Let's go somewhere else." I suggested.
"Kacchan!" His voice was loud and abrasive now. "That man… you see the worker there? With the broom? That man is my dad… He's my dad, Kacchan… Do you understand? Because… I don't!"
He looked over to us, alerted by the noise. Deku met eyes with him and his brows narrowed dangerously. He approached he man with forceful body language. I had to jog to keep up with the boy. "Hey you!" He addressed harshly. The man immediately recognized Deku. I saw pure fear come over him. 'Deku's dad… I mean, his other dad, said he had beaten the shit out of this guy. By the way he's acting, I guess he wasn't exaggerating,' I thought. Before, when I had heard of this man, I wanted to kill him. Now that we were face to face, I couldn't give two shits about him. I only cared about Deku.
"Hey! You're my dad!" The boy asserted. I tried to pull him back by his arm but he was steadfast and shook me off. I called his name but he was deaf to me.
"Um… sorry, I think you have the wrong person." The man quickly dismissed.
"No, I don't!" He argued with absolute certainty. "Because I remember! I remember you! I know I do! I remember… oh…" More memories started filling in. His bravery immediately turned to complete horror. He must have remembered how he got those scars.
"I remember you…" He whimpered, all the vigor in his voice dissipated. "You hurt me… didn't you? You hurt me… many times…"
The man looked around, panicked. "I'm sorry! Go. Just go, you're making a scene. Go, please."
"You hit me! You hit Mama too!" He cried as if it were happening right in front of his eyes. To him, it was. "You hit my mama! A-and you made her fall down!" Tears were streaming down his face uncontrollably.
I didn't know what to do but I knew I had to do something immediately. It was my job to take care of Deku, I had to do something. People were looking, they were coming over to us. I launched into action, not sure what I was doing. I grabbed the man by his shirt and with incredible force, pushed him into the nearest bathroom and shut the door with him inside. For some reason, I thought that if he were out of sight, the memories wouldn't be so vivid.
Deku was trembling like a leaf when I got back to him. "He hit Mama…" He muttered.
"Let's go home." I said, taking him by the shoulders.
He let out a blood-curdling scream. "Don't touch me!" He shrieked in terror, breaking out of my hold.
I was scared. I didn't know what was happening much less what I could do about it. I could do nothing. A security guard was quick to approach us. "What's going on here!?" He asked.
"Don't touch him." I ordered protectively. The only thing I knew for certain was that Deku couldn't be touched right now.
"What's wrong with him? Should I call the police? An ambulance?" He asked, watching the hyperventilating boy. An audience had formed.
"No! I'll take him home." I said before turning around and scowling at the on lookers. "Mind your own business! Get out of here! Go!" I barked viciously. They dispersed quickly. I heard the guard calling the police on his pocket radio.
'Shit. We have to get out of here. The police being here is only going to freak Deku out more. How? I can't touch him. I'm his boyfriend, I have to fix this. I have to do something. Why can't I do anything? Why am I so pathetic right now?' I wondered. I decided to talk. It was the only thing I could do.
"Deku… Deku, listen to my voice. It's me, Kacchan." I said. There were tears in my own eyes just as a result of the panic of the situation. "Deku, stop thinking. Whatever you're thinking about, stop and give all your attention to me. Hear me. Look at me, see my eyes."
Just barely, I noticed his breathing growing a bit calmer. 'Is this working? This is working… this is working!' I kept my voice calm. "It's me, your Kacchan. You trust me, right? Then just do what I tell you. I can lead you out of this. I can help. Just listen to me and only me. Whatever you're imagining, whatever pictures are in your head, turn your eyes away from them and put your eyes on me."
Slowly, his trembling irises floated over to me. I smiled at him. "There you are. Good. Good, good job. Listen to me, look at me. It's okay. I'm here. You know me. You trust me. You're safe. You're safe, I'll never let anything happen to you, Deku. No one will come within five feet of you while I'm around, okay? I promise. No one will touch you, Deku, I wouldn't let them."
His breathing slowed more as he nodded, his eyes still terrified. I kept smiling at him. "I have a job for you." I said, using a trick my mom used on me when I was a kid and had temper tantrums. It always brought me back out of my head and into reality. I had him list five things he could see around us. He was slow to find five things but I was patient with him. Next, I had him name four things he could hear, then three things he could feel. Then two things he could smell and one thing he could taste. His answer to the last one was vomit. He had regained himself to a functional extent.
"Do you feel sick, Honey?" I asked lovingly. "Okay, let's go home. Do you want to go home now?"
He nodded, coving his mouth. I quickly grabbed a plastic trash bin and rushed it over to him but he didn't quite make it and he lost his stomach on my sleeve. "Good job." I said, quickly turning around and taking off my jacket to he wouldn't notice that he had missed.
He was crying as he wiped his mouth. "I'm going to take you home now." I told him.
He nodded and held out his hand. I smiled gently and took his hand. It was hard for him to move his feet at first but soon enough, muscle memory kicked in and he was able to walk at my side. We left the aquarium before even one police car had arrived. On the subway platform, in the subway car, he could only look at me to keep him calm. He never for a second let go of me. I whispered reassurances and praises to him. I could tell that he was barely managing to keep it together but, nonetheless, he managed.
When I got him to his front door, I prepared to part ways like usual but he didn't let go of me. His fists were locked onto my shirt tightly in a grip that only death could break. "Hey Deku…" I put my hands over his softly. "It's okay, Kiddo. You can let go now, you're home, you're safe." I said.
He shook his head, no words.
"Do you want me to come in with you?" I asked.
A nod.
"Okay. Okay, I will." I found his house key in his pants pocket. He definitely did not like my hand in his pocket but he tolerated it, trusting me. I got the front door open and let us in. No one else was home. "What do you need, Deku. Just tell me and I'll make it happen."
"Shower." He responded. His voice was lower than a whisper, just a breath.
"Okay, show me where that is." He led me upstairs. Even at the bathroom door, his grip was iron. "I can't go in there with you." I told him. He stood there and looked at me pleadingly as if he was about to lose it again. After a minute, I relented and nodded. "Okay… Okay, Deku."
We went into the bathroom and closed the door. I sat him on the toilet and touched his hand. "You need to let go now. I'm not going to leave, I'll stay right here. We'll stay together just like you want but you need to let go so I can help you."
He shook his head in refusal.
"Do you want that shower, Deku?"
He nodded.
"Then you have to undress and you can't do it when you're holding onto me. Trust me, okay? It's going to be okay."
Ever so slowly, he forced the muscles in his hand to loosen. He let go and began crying again.
"I'm here. I'm right here, Deku, it's okay." I promised. It took forty-five minutes to get him undressed but I was patient, letting him take his time. I started the shower. He didn't want to go in because he wouldn't be able to see me behind the curtain but I promised to continue to speak to him.
I sat beside the shower and talked to him through the curtain, telling him everything I knew about Australia. He interrupted me after about fifteen minutes. "Kacchan…" He whispered. I fell silent. "I… I think I need help now…"
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I got carried away… I think I went too far…" He said. Those words prompted me to immediately open the curtain. Deku was holding his pedi brush. One side was a rough-bristled brush and the other was a sandpaper like material for sanding away callouses on the bottom of your feet. I could see from his skin that he had been using the sand paper side on his body. "I was trying to get clean… and I started thinking about th-that man… and I felt dirty and I just wanted to be clean…" He tried to explain.
Impulse drove me into that shower, my clothes and shoes still on, to pull the pedi brush out of his hand and embrace him tight. I don't know what I was doing, I didn't know if it was right or wrong, I just followed my instincts.
After a moment of being in my arms, the real crying broke free. He sobbed loudly like a child, hugging onto me tight. He was past the panic now and was left to realize the misery. In minutes, I was drenched all the way through to my boxers but I didn't dare move to turn off the faucet. Deku needed me, he needed all of me.
I stood there with him for probably over an hour, slowly rubbing his back until he had physically exhausted himself. I felt his legs loose strength and eventually go limp. I held him up. It was probably a good thing that he fainted. He needed a break from his own head.
I picked him up, holding his wet, naked, body in a fetal position against my chest as I brought him into what I assume was his bedroom. He had a full-size bed so I laid him down on one side, dried him off, covered his irritated skin with lotion I found in the bathroom, then put underwear on him before moving him onto the dry side of the bed.
I sat right beside the bed so he wouldn't have to wake up alone. I was drawn away from his side when I heard the front door open and close. I quickly rushed down stairs. Mrs. Midoriya was shocked to say the least when she saw me in her house, my clothes wet and cold. "K-katsuki-kun!" She said. "What on Earth are you doing here? Where's Deku?"
I hushed her. "He's upstairs." I told her in a quiet voice before explaining what happened at the aquarium. She gasped and listened to my story with terror. When I was done, she nodded in understanding.
"Katsuki…" There were tears in her eyes. "Thank you, Katsuki…"
I looked away, ashamed by my weakness. Why was she thanking me? I did little more than nothing. I couldn't stop it from happening, I couldn't keep him from hurting himself. "Please tell me what to do." I requested.
"I don't know either." She admitted. "He needs to go back to his therapist, he may need to take some time off school."
My heart wretched. I just made him my boyfriend and now he was being taken away from me. Why was the world so cruel? Why had that man hurt Deku in the first place? Why couldn't I fix this for him? "I need to go back upstairs. If he wakes up and I'm not there… he won't like that." I said.
"Change first, Dear." She insisted. "I can give you something to wear.
I shook my head. "I really need to be with him now." I said, heading up the stairs before she could protest.
He had many nightmares. He would start crying and whimpering, sometimes twitching in his sleep and sometimes jolting awake with a scream. Each time, I calmed him down patiently. Mrs. Midoriya did everything she could too. She called my mom, she made me dinner, brought me dry clothes, cleaned Deku's bathroom, and washed my jacket.
He woke up fully after several hours. He sat up and just stared at the wall in silence. I watched him, waiting to see if he was going to cry or have another flashback.
The life was drained from his eyes. Utter hopelessness enveloped the boy as he came to realize how small he was in this volatile world. He understood now what he had forgotten. "Kacchan…" He finally spoke. "Did you know? About my dad, I mean."
"I knew a little bit." I told him honestly.
"Do you know what he did to me?"
"All I know it that he's the one who gave you those scars."
"He… He hurt me in multiple ways, Kacchan… The scars aren't all…"
I wanted to vomit. I didn't know exactly was he was insinuating but every assumption filled me with dread and hatred. "Deku… I'm sorry…"
"You're sorry? Why?" He asked. The emotion in his voice was unreadable. He numbly covered everything. "I'm the one who's sorry… so, incredibly, indescribably sorry. I made a promise that I can't keep."
"What are you talking about?"
"I… I said I would be your boyfriend but I'm realizing now that that's impossible…"
The only thought in my mind was 'no'. Deku was all I had ever wanted, my future, my happiness. My heart felt as if acid had been dumped on it.
Deku continued. "I can't be anyone's boyfriend, much less yours. You're so good, Kacchan. You're unending kindness and unparalleled compassion. Someone like me can't have someone like you."
"Stop…" I whimpered, begging him to take everything back.
"I know you loved Deku… but he's gone now and I can't bring him back… I can't be happy anymore… I can't be sweet and innocent. I can't even call myself a virgin anymore…" A few tears ran down his emotionless face. "So I won't waste your time anymore. Thank you for everything…"
I was reduced to a weeping mess. "Please…" I begged. "Deku… no… please…"
"Please stop." He said. His voice was soft but empty.
"We can leave. I'll take you to Australia. You'll never see anyone from here ever again. We can just watch the fish all day and have fun on the beach. We'll forget everything. We can pack up and go now. Please, Deku." These were empty promises, I couldn't afford any of this, but I was desperate.
"Bakugo-san, stop." He said coldly, denying me even my affectionate nickname. If his intention was to hurt me, then he had succeeded a hundred times over.
Trembling, I rose to my feet. "It's okay…" My words could hardly be distinguished through my shaky voice. "It's okay, Deku… I'll be back tomorrow when you feel better."
"The door will be locked." Was all he said.
I left his house in a state of disbelief and utter despair. I'm not even sure how I made it home. My mom was in the living room folding laundry when I walked in. She knew immediately that something was horribly wrong. "Katsuki?" She asked, setting down the pair of pants in her hands.
I collapsed into her arms, sobbing like a child. I tried to tell her what had happened but I couldn't speak. She held me tenderly and waited through it all. When I had cried as much as I could, she sat me down at the dining room table and made me tea. I slowly told her everything.
She held my head and kissed my forehead a few times. "You really love him, don't you?" She asked.
I nodded.
She took a deep breath. "Imagine how much he must love you if he's willing to give you up for your own good."
I considered it. I thought back to when I spoke with Todoroki in the hall and how, even though he made good points, I refused to give up my boy. I couldn't be that selfless. I couldn't let go of what I wanted so badly… but Deku could. He was willing to choose a life of desolation for himself so that I could have better. "He loves me…"
"More than you can imagine, Honey. Humans across the globe hardly ever see love like this in their lifetimes. What you have with Deku is bigger than you can comprehend."
"So now that I've lost him, I'll never be anything but miserable. Is that what you're saying?" I asked.
"What I'm saying is that your love is bigger than this. Show him that. Even if the door is locked, go every day and wait for it to open. If it's raining, go. If it's hailing, go. If there's a guard dog outside, go. You can't lose this, Kacchan, so show him that you don't intend to. Eventually, that door will open."
A few tears fell into my mug. "I can't lose this… I won't." I decided. Hadn't I said just the other day that I could do anything for Deku? I could… I could and I would.