Chapter 13

Sensible Decisions

Summary:

Zack and Cloud have a long conversation.

Zack heard Fenrir approach and pull in next door. That sound always made Zack breathe a sigh of relief. He wanted to go over and welcome Cloud home but he was currently tied up with a long phone conversation regarding new delivery schedules for an existing customer.

Zack tapped his pen impatiently on his notepad, trying to listen but ultimately getting absorbed in his own thoughts.

He hated Cloud going out to see Sephiroth. Cloud was torturing himself and was refusing to stop. But what could Zack do? Cloud had kept his promise. He was spending less time over there, and more time with himself, Denzel and Rupert.

Zack had gotten Cloud into doing small things to look after himself. Like the breathing activities. They exercised together, and not just the fun naked kind of exercise either. Cloud was even beginning to pick up some of the basics of guitar. So Zack shouldn't be so worried.

Cloud assured Zack that he spent a lot more time talking with Genesis, so it wasn't like Cloud was just going over there to be with the guy who abused him.

But it upset Zack irrespective of how well Cloud thought he was handling things.

Zack slammed the receiver down in relief when the phone conversation ended. He sprang up and lightly ran towards Cloud's workshop, in search of his darling sunshine.

He couldn't spy the blonde mop anywhere obvious. He did however find Denzel, who was busy running an engine check.

Zack and Cloud were both so very proud of Denzel's work ethic and attention to detail. Zack's heart always swelled thinking how lucky he was that Cloud had given Denzel an opportunity to do something he really enjoyed.

"Hey Denzel, where'd Cloud go?"

"He's gone upstairs. Said he needed a shower."

"Cheers, bud!" he beamed and bounded up the stairs, letting himself in.

They had managed to furnish the place up nicely so it looked less austere and more like a home. For it was their home. Rupert and Denzel were left in Zack's former place. Zack had moved most of his possessions over, so he could share and live with Cloud.

The walls were decorated with Zack's uncle's buster sword. He had very carefully moved it and hung it much like it had done in its former home. There were also a lot of photographs of them on the walls, both old and new. Cloud always made a fuss whenever Zack snapped a photograph of them together, but Zack wasn't fooled one bit by the showy protests. He knew how much Cloud loved making new memories with Zack.

They also had a large sofa and an armchair. As well as a big dining table so all four men, who lived next to each other, could enjoy meals together like civilized people, instead of sitting all over the place. That thought always made Zack grin. He knew Aerith would approve.

Stepping into this place brought immense joy to Zack. But he was happiest when he saw Cloud in these surroundings. Cloud lazing on the lounge, smiling up at him. Cloud in the kitchen, smiling at him. Cloud in bed, preferably naked and sweaty, smiling. Zack loved making Cloud smile.

Zack's attention was drawn towards the bathroom. He could hear the water running and headed over. It suddenly occurred to Zack that there had been an almost criminal oversight; a sharp toothy grin unfurled itself across his face.

He knocked and waited for Cloud to invite him in. When the invite didn't come instantaneously Zack knocked again.

"Hey Sunshine, it's me. Everything alright?" he called out.

Zack grew worried when it took a few more moments for Cloud's response to reverberate through the door.

"Yeah, come in."

Zack did.

"Welcome home, Cloud," he said with abundant cheer.

Cloud was busy washing his hair with great vigor.

Zack's eyes trailed over Cloud's soaped up, wet back. The way the soap suds slowly melted down Cloud's body caused a delightful tightening in Zack's abdomen. He wanted to run his tongue all over the other man.

"Mind if I join you?"

He was unable to keep the hunger out of his voice.

Cloud looked around. His face all red from the heat of the water, and suds running down his cheeks. A quiet "Sure," and one of those soft whispers of a smile that Zack just loved noticing, was given to him. Zack instinctually reciprocated with his own broad one in response.

Zack hastily stripped off, discarding his clothes carelessly and stepped into the bathtub. He pressed his chest against Cloud's back, and ran his hands up and down the front of Cloud's slippery, and always silken soft body. He payed special attention to giving Cloud's penis a lot of affection, while he tweaked at nipples with the other hand.

He fondled Cloud, massaged his shaft and rubbed his head. All the while Zack ground his hips against Cloud's lean backside. He enjoyed the sensation of his erection throbbing against Cloud's bare skin.

Zack placed kisses on the nape of Cloud's neck, and trailed them down his shoulders, making sure to kiss every faint scar within his reach.

The memory of that night remained etched in his mind. It had left a profound impression on Zack. His heart still swelled with admiration for how brave Cloud had been. He loved Cloud so damn much. Firmer kisses were left on that delicious body. Teeth grazed affectionately across shoulders.

Zack firmly pushed his growing erection against Cloud. He nudged the man playfully, and murmured into his ear, "It occurred to me that we've never done it in the shower before. You wanna fix that?"

Cloud ran his head under the shower spray, washing off the shampoo before he nodded his head.

Despite how turned on Zack was right now, he frowned at Cloud's silence.

"Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I want you to fuck me. Here, right now."

Cloud's words sent a throb and twitch through Zack's penis. He moved his hand away from Cloud's now prominent arousal. He still held onto Cloud around his ribcage with his other arm though. Zack ran his hand down the middle of Cloud's tantalizing cheeks, until he reached the opening he loved to thrust into.

Zack pushed his index finger against it, wanting entry, but Cloud moved his hips forward at the same time.

"No fingers, Zack. I just want your cock."

Zack loved it when Cloud turned demanding and gave orders. It sent a thrilling pulse all around his body. Cloud hadn't done that for a while now. Cloud hadn't been as demanding or assured of himself and his wants, of late. He had been more submissive, and although that was fine with Zack he did enjoy getting off on Cloud taking charge.

So Cloud's words now sent a growl of pleasure out of Zack's throat. He pushed his erection against Cloud's sphincter, teasing him and kneading his firm and taut arse with his hand. He bit at Cloud's shoulder with a little more force.

He was so hungry for Cloud.

Cloud pushed back against Zack's ever firming erection with a lot of force. A sharp tingling shot through Zack's body at the pleasant tightness suddenly engulfing him. But he could feel Cloud's breath leave his body as his head was forced inside of the unprepared opening.

The hazy drunken lust left Zack. He pulled away, dislodging the tip of his head from Cloud's tightness.

"What are you doing, Cloud?" he asked in confusion.

"I want you to fuck me," Cloud grumbled.

"And I will, you just gotta be patient."

Zack maneuvered his fingers back, wanting to prep Cloud. It would be harder for any lubricant like soap or saliva to stay on Zack's penis when they finally got around to the delicious part of this encounter. He needed to adequately prepare his gorgeous ray of sunshine.

"No, just fuck me. Don't worry about using your fingers." Cloud gave him an angry look over his shoulder and reached behind himself, placing his hand on Zack's backside, pushing the man towards himself.

"It's going to hurt if I do that, Cloud. I'm not going to hurt you." Zack's eyes narrowed. He didn't understand what had gotten into the other man.

"I want it to hurt. Just - please, Zack! Fuck me."

Cloud's head sunk towards his chest. Zack spun Cloud around and forced his head up with a finger so they could look at each other. Cloud refused to make eye contact. The anger that had been present moments earlier melted, revealing bitter sadness and a deep hurt.

They were almost nose to nose. Zack could see the discoloration in Cloud's usually crystal clear blues. He could see the slight puffiness surrounding those eyes, and the change of pigmentation in those lovely cheeks. This was caused by something other than just overheating from the steaming shower.

Zack's innards squeezed him. Dread dawned. His eyes went wide.

"Cloud, what happened? Tell me."

Arms flew around Cloud. He pushed Cloud's head into the crook of his own neck and turned the taps of the shower off.

"Nothing happened," Cloud muffled into Zack's skin.

"Cloud, don't treat me like this - like I'm stupid." Zack pulled Cloud away from him so they could look at each other again.

"What did Sephiroth do to you? I promise I won't go over there and beat the living shit out of him, but you need to tell me, or I will go over there and beat the living shit out of him."

Cloud's eyes and mouth widened in horror at that prospect. After a moment's hesitation he responded, casting his eyes to the fiberglass bath bottom, "He … we," Cloud's voice dropped to a whisper, "kissed."

Zack's stomach plummeted.

"He kissed you?!" Zack felt like he had been punched in the gut. All air vacated the premises.

"And I kissed him back," Cloud murmured with a little more strength.

No, this was all wrong. The Cloud Zack knew would never have let that happen. Zack's Cloud hated the man.

"Why?" Zack's head was reeling. The heat from his lust and the hot shower completely dissipated. He was chilled to the bone.

"Because - some part of me wants him back. I want things to be ok again. If things can be ok with him then things will be ok between us." Cloud looked up at Zack with fresh tears staining cheeks.

"You're not making any sense. What does our relationship have to do with what you and Sephiroth had?" Zack still didn't understand what was going through Cloud's muddled head, even after all these months.

"I did horrible things to him, Zack. I manipulated him and turned him into the monster he became. All the stuff from the war - and even before that. He never knew his parents. He never had anyone to love him and look after him. He was always alone. And then he had a family. He had me and Roxas and I tore that away from him too, because of my own selfish need to be loved and seen by someone who was precious to me."

Fresh tears sprung from Cloud.

"You can't be serious. I've told you before this wasn't your fault. You didn't manipulate anyone. He's warping you. He's making you believe crap."

"It's not crap!"

Sad ferocity turned up to glare at Zack.

"Cloud, please stop hurting yourself like this! You've hurt enough thanks to that man. You don't deserve to be torturing yourself. You're not responsible for what happened this his parents. You're not responsible for him ending up in a terrible system, or for any of the other stuff that's ever happened to him."

"I know I'm not at fault for that. What I'm saying is that I am at fault for getting him all hung up on me. He loved my dad, Zack. He loved him, I'm sure of it. And I look just like him!" Cloud's eyes squeezed shut in pain. When they opened again eyes shimmered with too many tears.

It stung. Zack wished he would never have to see Cloud cry again.

"How does that give him the right to do what he did to you? How does that make it ok for him to cut you up and threaten you with doing terrible things to your brother if you don't stay with him?"

"He's always been hurting. People can't think straight when they hurt. Back when I was in Wutai I was hurting so much. I did horrible things to Irvine. I - I made him fuck me, like you won't," Cloud trembled. "He didn't know any better. He didn't know he was hurting me. I wanted him to hurt me - to make myself feel better. It was my punishment for doing terrible things to Sephiroth, to you, to Irvine," he squeaked.

The trembling did not abate. The tears wouldn't stop.

Zack's heart fractured and broke more. He found it difficult to process what Cloud had just told him.

"You - made him hurt you?"

Cloud suppressed a sob, but it turned into a terrible whimper.

The pit of Zack's stomach churned. Right now he felt a painful sadness over Cloud inflicting pain and suffering upon himself. And for what? To clear a guilty conscience? A guilty conscience which had no business even existing.

Anger rose inside of Zack. He wanted to protect Cloud at all cost. How could he protect the man from himself though?

Zack took Cloud by the hand and lead him to the middle of the bathroom. Zack needed some time to think before he spoke out of anger. So he moved slowly and methodically. He wrapped a towel around his own waist and grabbed the other. He looked at Cloud's forlorn and sunken form before himself. He was gorgeous, pale, but so fragile. Zack draped the soft fabric across shoulders marred by lovemarks, wrapping Cloud up like a delicate parcel.

What could he possibly say to the other man? Zack was never much of a thinker when it came to talking. He just spoke from his heart. It hadn't failed him too badly in the past, so he figured he would just continue doing what he had always done.

"You know you can always tell me anything. I'm here for you. I love you."

He smiled at Cloud, from his heart, with as much love as he could muster. He affectionately rubbed at the side of Cloud's face and at sopping wet hair. Cloud looked so adorable, despite all the pain he was in.

Cloud struggled holding Zack's affectionate gaze, but he did continue talking.

"Sephiroth just did terrible things to make himself feel better. I get it, because I did the same thing. I don't expect you to understand, Zack. All I know is that I'm no better than he is. We probably both deserve one another."

That statement horrified Zack.

"I don't want you to go back to your past, Cloud. You're not thinking straight, because you are hurting right now. You want to move on from your past, remember? You want a better and brighter future," Zack refrained from tacking on the 'with me' at the end of that sentence. He didn't want to put any undue pressure or expectations on Cloud.

"Sometimes I really can't see any brightness up ahead, Zack. Sometimes I feel the person I once was is the person I will always be. And you will end up hating me. You'll end up getting fed up of me always doing the same things over and over again; of beating myself up; of being stuck in the past. And how can you not? I'm sick of the way I am as well, Zack. I'm so sick of taking so long to change. I hate myself for constantly making you wait. And… sometimes I just don't ever believe that I will or can change." A pained sob and more bitter tears sprang forth, "So I should just go be with Sephiroth. Because misery loves company, and nothing will ever change."

The pain on Cloud's face mirrored the pain in Zack's chest.

"Have you seen your back lately?"

"No," Cloud responded, a little started at the change in conversation. "I don't like looking at myself," muttered Cloud. "Seeing this one," there he moved the towel slightly and scratched the line across his chest, "is bad enough."

"In that case I want you to take a look, Cloud." Zack stepped around Cloud and pushed him towards the bathroom mirror.

"Zack, please don't. I don't want to see it."

Cloud's plea fell on deaf ears. Zack was tired of Cloud torturing himself over the long lost past. He understood that everything felt too raw and fresh in Cloud's mind; probably like everything only happened yesterday. But he needed to be reminded that it had been a lot longer. He needed to know that the hurts of the past could heal.

He spun Cloud around towards himself and pulled the towel off, dropping it to the floor.

"Look!" he commanded.

Cloud just glared back at him with a defiant pout.

"You trust me, don't you? So just look," he egged on and watched as Cloud, with great reluctance, and a pained expression on his face, turned his head around to look in the mirror.

His eyes had squeezed shut.

Zack huffed with sorrowful amusement.

"C'mon Cloud, open up your beautiful eyes and see what I see," he whispered into Cloud's ear.

Zack carefully watched Cloud. Eyes fluttered open and took a moment to focus. Disgust sat on Cloud's face. Shame and hatred danced together. But his brows scrunched up in confusion after a moment longer.

The once red and angry marks had faded over time, leaving neat white lines that marred and criss crossed Cloud's back.

"All scars fade, Cloud. They never disappear. The past can never be undone - but the hurt fades with time. You've built up the state of your back to be a much bigger monster than it actually is. And I know what that's like too."

Zack ran his hand down Cloud's bare back with tenderness and settled down at his hipbone.

"You're making Sephiroth a bigger deal than what he needs to be as well. You're putting way more importance on the past than what is healthy. The guy you were four years ago is also becoming a distant and faded memory. He's still in there," Zack placed the palm of his hand on Cloud's chest, drawing the blue and drying eyes off the reflection and onto himself, "but he is drifting to the background and letting the new and brilliant you shine through."

"I just wish -,"

Zack cut Cloud off. "You just need to let go. Wishing we could change the past - wishing we could atone for our past mistakes… those are all nice wishes, but wishing things won't make them so. Wishing for things only makes us more miserable when things don't pan out the way we had hoped. It makes reality look more brutal and ugly than it actually is. Look around you, Cloud. The present is a pretty ok place to live in. The past is far behind you."

"But my past doesn't feel far away, Zack. My past is living forty-five minutes bike ride away. I feel like he is always right here." Cloud also lay a hand on his own chest, next to Zack's hand.

Zack's gaze was drawn over the scar which Cloud was tracing with his thumb. Sephiroth had left lifelong marks on that beautiful body. That was one irrefutable fact Zack had no remedy for.

"I realized that the way I felt about him… before everything went bad… is how I feel about you. You make me feel complete. He made me feel complete. And that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach. I know that you'll never hurt me. I know that you'll never do what he did to me. But - I always get reminded of how much he meant to me once. I always get reminded of how much I needed him in my life - and how I need you. And Squall told me that I'm someone who will always need people in my life. And that is terrifying, because I see how true it is. It just means that I will never change. I will always repeat my past mistakes, and… and that means that our relationship has always been doomed from the very start so… so -."

Zack was horrified at what he was hearing.

He could see the way that Cloud seemed to be able to talk himself into giving up on his future - on his relationship with Zack, if he kept going on.

Zack had to put a stop to it and put some common sense back into Cloud.

"So you think it's better to hold on to your past, then to ever try to move on and change your future?" He placed his hands on hips and surveyed Cloud closely.

"The past is safe. I know what to expect from the past. And what's the point of trying anything different? I just end up being the same. I'm so tired of always trying, Zack. It gets me nowhere," and Cloud actually sounded worn out and exhausted.

"You're really going to let fear hold you back?"

Cloud frowned deeply and looked down.

"I don't want to believe that you honestly think that way. You are anything but a scaredy cat. You have guts, and determination," Zack's hand fell on Cloud shoulder. He wished he could somehow transfer how he felt about Cloud into Cloud's body through his touch.

"No, I don't," came the almost automatic response.

Zack couldn't hold back the dismissive snort. Where was Cloud even getting all this negativity from? It never ceased to amaze him.

"If that were true you'd never have gone to see your mom. You'd never have left Wutai, or even set foot in that place to begin with. You wouldn't have tried to rebuild your life in Radiant Gardens, or given an idiot like myself a chance to live inside your heart. You would never have run away from Sephiroth in the first place, if you didn't believe that there was a better future out there for yourself and Roxas. But Cloud, wake up, buddy!" Zack ruffed Cloud's slowly drip drying hair, "You have achieved so much. Roxas is safe and happy with Axel down in Wutai, yeah? They are having a great time and living it up, doing what they love. You are also doing what you love. You have come so far."

Cloud's head was still sunk down low, deep worrying creases crinkling his brows.

"I so desperately want you to believe in yourself, as much as I believe in you - as much as Roxas believes in you. You can change. You have changed. Like your back. That's changed slowly over time and you never took notice. You're also changing, and you don't notice. But I'm here noticing for you. And I will point it out to you when you forget yourself."

Zack placed a knuckle under Cloud's chin to raise his head a little.

"You're so much stronger than this shit in your life, Cloud. You are so brave. You have so much courage. Take pride in it. You don't have to keep beating yourself up about the past. Because the past isn't who you are anymore."

"But it is."

Zack just groaned. "Are these all like stock standard replies you have lined up?"

Zack stroked the underside of Cloud's chin and sighed at the seemingly ever present defiance in those blue eyes.

"Do you really think that's true? Do you really think you are exactly the same as you were when you were fifteen? Because the Cloud I see in front of me right now isn't even the same Cloud I met four years ago. Four years ago Cloud wouldn't have been able to look me in the eye when he spoke about his feelings and thoughts. Four years ago Cloud wouldn't have been able to get words out through the pain and tears. He wouldn't have had dreams that he pursued and made an actuality. And he would never ever have faced his biggest monster."

Cloud smiled weakly.

"You are so much stronger right now than you have ever been. And every day that you keep following your heart, and believing in yourself you will continue to grow stronger. I am so proud of you."

Zack felt himself get quite emotional. He wanted Cloud to desperately believe in himself. To see his good qualities, and to let go of the victimhood he had encased himself in. There was no reason why he had to atone for past sins not even of his own making.

Zack leaned in close and pressed his lips against Cloud's. He hated the thought that Sephiroth had gotten to Cloud. Hated the thought that those awful lips had been anywhere near Cloud's soft and delicate precious ones.

Cloud's hand clasped over Zack's, which had returned over the scar on Cloud's chest. Zack received a gentle squeeze from Cloud before that hand pulled away.

"I forget myself when I'm with Seph. I forget who I have become. All the old feelings come rushing back," Cloud acknowledged in bitterness.

Zack breathed a little easier. The tension which had been building in his chest eased. Cloud had been listening and taking Zack's words onboard. He was able to think more objectively and think things through.

Zack always believed in Cloud. He believed that Cloud could get himself through any difficulty and do what was right for him - when he was given the time and space to process.

"I think that's normal, Cloud. We can be autonomous, functioning adults. We could be the most confident people in the world, and run mega conglomerate businesses and be the boss of thousands of people… but when we go back home, to familiar surroundings - and to our families - we revert right back. We become that small child that needs protection and that can't face the world. I think everyone gets like that."

Cloud looked doubtful.

"You don't believe me?"

"I believe you. Just - not that it happens to everyone. You're just trying to make me feel better," huffed Cloud.

Zack laughed lightly, and picked up Cloud's towel, wrapping him up once more.

"You remember how I told you I visited my folks in Gongaga?"

Cloud nodded.

"Well when I went there the first time, after having had that conversation with you, I found that Gongaga hadn't changed at all. It was like stepping into a weird time warp. It's still this small rural village in the middle of the jungle where people have siestas and farm cabbage, bell peppers, okra, chillies, the list goes on. Dad wanted me to become a farmer and help him once he retired from the military. But anyway, the place hadn't changed, is what I'm trying to say."

"After my folks got over the initial shock of seeing their long lost prodigal son return," Zack flashed Cloud a charming smile which lifted the corners of Cloud's mouth. Zack's heart fluttered. "dad lost no time barking orders at me and treating me like he had always treated me. And I hopped to it, like nothing had ever changed."

"I think it's a two way street. My folks will always see me as their little kid, so they treat me like one, and because they treat me like one I behave like one. I even played hooky, when I should have been running errands. I haven't done that in years!" laughed Zack.

"You always try to shirk your responsibilities," corrected Cloud.

Zack's heart filled with joy at Cloud's response. The guy Zack loved was back in the room.

"Yeah, but not to the same extent as I do when I'm with dad," he grinned broadly and habitually rubbed at the side of his head.

"I reverted right back to how I always felt as a kid. Never mind the things I've accomplished in my life. Never mind the discipline of getting up early every day in the military. I would sleep in, and talk back to my dad. Absolutely nothing had changed. When I left it was the most surreal feeling, like I was taking off a heavy coat which had been suffocating me. I remember why I ran away to be with Angeal every time I leave that place. I love my folks, and I still want you to come with me to meet them, but I really couldn't handle living with them anymore."

"So I'm not trying to make you feel better. I'm just telling you how I see things."

Cloud nodded his acknowledgement.

"When you're with Sephiroth you revert back to who you were back then. You get sucked into that parent/child role. It's normal. But what isn't normal is having an intimate relationship with someone who makes you feel like a kid. Don't be with someone who erodes all the good parts of you and just leaves you feeling all the bad bits."

"And before you even say it," Zack stopped Cloud from speaking as he knew what rebuttal was about to come out of that gorgeous mouth, "I get that you feel like Sephiroth isn't a bad guy. I told you once before that I don't think people are problems, yeah? Well Sephiroth had a lousy childhood, and a lousy upbringing, and terrible things happened. That doesn't absolve him of any wrongdoing, though. I looked up to him, growing up, Cloud. I wanted to be like him. I joined the military because of him. So I get it. It crushed me to find out what he did to you. I want to believe in Sephiroth too. But it doesn't change the fact that the way he is with you probably also causes him to revert back to how he was back then."

Zack sighed. He hoped some of this was sticking.

"And that thing about him loving your dad - that just makes things even more messed up, Cloud. I can't even imagine how he sees you. Does he even see you? Or does he only see your dad when he looks at you?"

"I - don't know." Cloud looked perplexed, like it was something he had never thought about before.

"Maybe that's something you should find out about. Because when I look at you all I see is you. And when I had my little flings with those other guys, all I saw was you. And I know that all you saw was me when you were with Irvine. And if we're honest with each other doing that to other people isn't fair on anyone, right?"

"Right," Cloud nodded.

They stood silently for a while. The shower dripped rhythmically and echoed around the room. Zack was becoming aware of how terribly cold his feet felt against the tiled floor.

"So no more weird sex requests, ok? I mean, I like your spirit and I'm down for whatever. But only as long as it doesn't hurt either of us, ok? Sex isn't punishment. Sex should make you feel good. And I wanna make you feel so incredibly good, Cloud," Zack spoke in that low rumble he knew Cloud got giddy over.

Cloud shook with soft laughter, and Zack felt lighter.

"You want to give the shower another go, then?" Cloud queried, glancing over at it.

Zack's face bloomed to life.