[Chapter 13] Terezi: Troll this Idiot

You've had it with people, the human kind and the troll kind. You're done with all of them. All of them.

On top of things, you have the worse hangover you think you've ever had in your short lifetime. Why did you have to drink all that soda today? Why did Jade have to send you to Rose's fruity color planet? How could something that smells so delicious be so hard on the eyes? Where did your glasses go? Oh that's right, human seer von talks-a-lot stole them.

Wait but that's not the even worst part. The worst part is that now Karkat's texting you a bunch of nonsense – something about fish and John and several rather unflattering things about human intelligence. It's hard to read with all these bright lights.

"Rose, I'm going inside your hive to escape your fruity planet's lights."

"WHAT?" She shouts, back. She looks kind of dumb in your glasses, you think.

"I SAID I'M GOING INSIDE!" Shouting strains your headache.

"WHY?"

"DO YOU ACTUALLY CARE?"

"NO!"

"OKAY!"

Inside is slightly darker, although the lights still make their way in through the open windows. To counter this, you make a little fort out of Rose's blankets. There are a lot of pictures of wizards in here. Humans sure are strange.

In the new lighting you can read Karkat's message more clearly. Essentially, all hell is going down on LOFAF. What else is new?

CG: SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHAT DO WE DO HERE?

GC: 1 DON'T KNOW WHY 4R3 YOU 3V3N T3LL1NG M3 TH1S?

CG: BECAUSE YOU'RE A SEER AND YOU KNOW THIS KIND OF STUFF! I DON'T KNOW TEREZI, MAYBE I LIKE SUBJECTING MYSELF TO AS MUCH CRITIZISM AND EARTH TROLL TOMFOOLERAY AS PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY POSSIBLE! LOOK, A WHOLE BUNCH OF CRAZINESS [WHOA WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE!] IS GOING DOWN HERE AND I NEED SOMEONE WHO ***DOESN'T*** HAVE THEIR HEAD SHOVED SO FAR UP THEIR ASS THAT THEY'RE STARTING TO SAY THINGS THAT SOMEHOW MANAGE TO MAKE NEGATIVE SENSE ON THE CASE SO WE MIGHT *ACTUALLY* ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING. AKA: YOU.

GC: K4RK4T 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG

GC: I N3V3R M4ST3R3D MY AB1L1T1ES

GC: WHY DONT YOU 4SK ROS3?

CG: BECAUSE SHE'S HUMAN DRUNK!

GC: W3LL 1'M TROLL HUNGOV3R!

CG: FUCK

CG: LOOK WE HAVE A BIT OF A PLAN HATCHING HERE

CG: CAN YOU AT LEAST TRY TO BE HELPFUL?

GC: FIN3

GC: JUST T3LL M3 WH4T'S GO1NG ON

After a significant amount of arguing with periodical moments where information is actually exchanged, you finally think you've got a plan, although you aren't very thrilled about the prospect of adding new humans to the equation. Also, John is an idiot.

It's time to troll him.

Using a series of commands Karkat shared with you (that he somehow got from Sollux although how Sollux got to LOFAF is beyond you), you contact Egbert. The technology shines yet another bright light in your face, projecting your image to wherever it is that he is. You have to squint. This is not helping your headache.

"Hello Egbert."

"Oh God dammit!" He does not look thrilled to see you, which doesn't surprise you since last time you talked, you kind of convinced him to get himself killed. Oops.

He seems to be surrounded by another group of humans, ones you do not recognize. The screen doesn't show the entire room, and you're only able to count four new humans, and another that seems to be part horse. Silently, you wonder how many of these fools will be coming to the new session. Oh well, that's something to worry about later. Right now, your focus is making sure the blue raspberry robed human nitwit is able to return without a problem, and ideally, without dying. You like things better when people aren't dying.

After a bit of bickering, John sighs. "Alright, so what's the plan."

"Shut up." You snap. The best part about this situation is getting to be the one to say that line. It's dramatic, and it's just your style. Egbert does not get to steal the line. Nope. Not while you're here. "I was going to say that."

"Say what?"

"I said shut up! Alright, here goes." You crack your knuckles in a businesslike fashion. This is kind of reminding you of your scalemate interrogation days. Oh, those were the days. "Okay, John, so here's the plan. Some random human appeared on LOFAF. Apparently he's talked to some ghosts who say that your job is to lead the new humans to the new session so you don't all die in yet another firey apocalypse."

"Wait…" John responds with that expression on his face that says he's confused. "There's another human on LOFAF? Is it Percy or Hazel?" He turns to look at the blond girl standing behind him and asks, "Their names are Percy and Hazel, right? Okay good, haha. How embarrassing would that have been if I was wrong! So Terezi, what's this about going to the new session and firey apocalypses?"

You groan audibly and facepalm your forehead. "So basically, you are on another version of Earth. All iterations of Earth are supposed to die because your universe has cancer. So the apocalypse is coming to your planet soon and you're all going to die unless you do what I tell you to do, got it John?"

John looks dumbfounded, but luckily for him, the girl behind him doesn't seem so completely and utterly useless. In fact, after a slight pause in which John just stands there looking flustered, she shoves him to the side and takes control of the monitor.

"What do you mean we're all going to die? What's the threat?" She says, her gray eyes blazing.

"Look, I don't know everything." You say, "I just know what Karkat told me in the brief conversation we had. Some new kid shows up and all hell breaks loose! That's the gist of it!"

"What's the new human's name?" She asks next, staring at you in a way that makes you feel like she's trying to read your mind.

"Percy something or other. From what Karkat's told me, he's with him now and they're trying to hatch a plan to get the rest of you into the new session. Somehow Percy managed to get Jade un-possessed so that she can open a rift for you guys to escape in a giant flying battleship. That's what I understand, anyways."

At the mention of his sister's name, John pushes Annabeth aside again says enthusiastically, "Jade's not grimbark anymore? That's fantastic! How'd he do it? Can I talk to her? What's going on now? How – "

"John shut up!" You snap. "You talk way too fast when you get excited and I'm super hungover!"

John pauses for a brief moment, then asks, "You're hungover? Can trolls even get drunk?"

"Ugh! Egbert! Is this really the most important question to be asking right now? Just – just shut your silly earth nerd mouth! On any other day, at any other moment, I would be more than happy to talk to you about troll culture, while giggling maniacally in an attempt to make you uncomfortable. But not today, John. Not today. Do I look prepared to giggle maniacally? No I think not. So just shut your face and put the blond girl back on the line. She looks like someone who might actually be able stop talking and listen long enough to get Karkat's dumb plan accomplished!"

Grumbling angrily, John relinquishes his watch to the blond girl, who looks up at you expectantly. You pause to sigh and rub your temples for a moment, before looking back into the monitor. "So who are you?" You ask.

"My name is Annabeth Chase." She says clearly. Good. You need someone who isn't a complete idiot in charge right now. She clearly isn't a complete idiot. "Before you start talking about the plan, I need to know what's going on. Tell me everything you think is important and then we can talk about what the best action to take would be."

"All I know is that the Percy kid showed up talking about how all his friends were going to die unless we got you into the medium. Apparently, the cancer from John's iteration of Earth is spreading to your universe, and you're all going to die as the universe is ripped apart. So, in order to prevent all of his friends' imminent deaths, he asked Jade to open a rift. Jade, being the saintly non-evil not-stupid Egbert twin she is, agreed to help. So Jade's going to open a rift, I'm going to guide you through the plan, and you guys have to get on your giant battleship and fly through the rift where Karkat, Jade, Kanaya, and Percy will be waiting to receive you." You say calmly.

Annabeth nods, but she does not look convinced. "Okay," She says, "There's just one thing I don't understand. Why is our universe dying? You keep talking about cancer, but I don't understand what this means or what the cancer's origins are."

"That," you say, "is a question for either John or Karkat. It's all very complicated and it isn't my job to explain everything. Also, I played no part in the creating of the cancer. That one's on Karkat and Kanaya, but mostly Karkat."

"Alright," Annabeth says, with a quick glance in John's direction. Clearly, he's going to be interrogated later. "I only have two more questions."

"Go for it."

"What will the cancer look like? And by that I mean what signs should we look out for that will alert us to how much time we have left."

"That's an easy one. The red miles. When you see the red miles, and when the red miles touch down there on Earth, that's when you're running out of time. You see, no one escapes the miles. That is, unless you jump into a rift."

Annabeth nods. "Alright, my last question. What will the rift look like?"

"Just fly into the giant black hole in the sky and you'll be fine. Are we done here?"

"I think we are."

"Well then. I'll see you when you get here, Annabeth. Later, Egbert." You say.

"Wait!" The derpy boy calls just before you shut down the monitor.

You groan. "What is it now, John?"

"Aren't you going to guide us through the transition? What if something happens?"

"If paradox space wants you here alive, you'll make it here alive. You'll be fine. Besides, I've got work to do here."

"Um, like what?" John doesn't look convinced.

You frown at him, preparing to shut down your computer. "I," you say, reaching for your red scarf, "am going clown hunting."

You press end and the screen fades to black.

AN: Okay first of all, I want to apologize for not updating for a while. I get distracted with life and then I'll see a review and be like CRAP I haven't worked on that for a while haha. And then I'll go on a binge writing spree. I also want to add that I will probably not update for a while (again). I have several papers/projects due next week and I'm also preparing to go on a foreign exchange (eep!). Before I leave for that though, I do want to publish one more chapter, so hopefully that will happen. If not, I get home in April (guess what day).

Also, to that person who commented like eight times in a row hahaha thank you you made my day :)