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By Any Means Necessary

By Adelie King

Chapter Thirteen: Explaining This

Samantha Carter was freaked out, "SIR! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!"

All Jack O'Neill could groan was, "I slipped, fell and came…" He then groaned again in pain.

She stroked his face about to start crying, "Sir, I'm so sorry…I shouldn't have pushed to try that with your knees as they are."

"It's not my knees that are hurt Carter." Jack moaned in pain, "It's my back…"

Sam asked, "What about..?"

"It's fine thank God…" He was relieved there. Injure anything but your… equipment. That's what a guy is more worried about.

"How bad?" She was really scared for him.

"I can't move." O'Neill groaned in severe pain.

Carter immediately helped him up, "We'd better get you to a hospital Sir." She was having a major guilt trip right now as she put his arm over her shoulder.

"Uh…Carter, I think we should change clothes first…" Jack mentioned and she then led him back to the bedroom. If they showed up the way they were they could look really stupid. Explaining this to General Hammond was going to be hell already.

They went to the hospital and found out that Jack had strained some lower back muscles and rotated a one of his vertebrae. His injury was going to take two weeks to heal and a 'be careful' for the next four.

He was relieved that either his penis or his scrotum had not suffered any injuries. However his back was going to interfere with any sexual functioning which to a sexually active man was death.

O'Neill commented, "I guess we're heading home early."

General Hammond and Dr. Frasier were notified of Colonel O'Neill's injuries by the hospital and that they were heading home immediately. They did not tell him how it happened exactly, just that he had a fall.

Carter had to drive because O'Neill was hurt bad enough he couldn't. It took them two and a half days to get back from Minnesota to Colorado. They both were wondering how they were going to explain his injury and get out of the mess they were going to be in.

Sam walked him in to his house and led him to his bedroom. Then she carefully laid him down on his bed. She adjusted everything and him on the bed so he was comfortable. Carter then removed his shoes and socks leaving him in his sweats and air force T-shirt. She transferred his TV, DVD and VCR into his bedroom so he could relax.

While he watched TV she made him dinner and fed him in bed. Then he had to take his morphine for the pain and relax. They were grateful they had until Monday to let him rest before he had to return for Frasier to check them out explaining this to her and Hammond. Jack was going into depression over this.

Carter got on the bed and started crying over this, "This is all my fault, if I hadn't let my sex drive and my attraction get to me. You would've not had to take care of me and this never would've happened." She sobbed.

O'Neill wanted to hug her but couldn't move, "Come here." She rolled over and laid her head on his shoulder so he could put his arm around her. He turned and kissed her on the head. He straightened this out, "We're both to blame Sam…if Frasier and I also hadn't set up this scheme in the first place to help you this wouldn't have happened."

He paused then added, "But we both cared about you and hated seeing you like this." Jack told her, "We couldn't watch it any longer." He stroked the side of her face with his hand.

Sam assured him, "Hammond is going to figure it out. He's not stupid and he's going to be furious when he does."

O'Neill interjected, "If he does…and we're going to do our best to keep that from happening Sam."

"What are we going to tell him?" She asked, "I still can't think of an explanation that will work." Carter was too panicked to think at that particular moment. "We see them on Monday and Janet is going to know from the details of your injuries Jack."

Jack stated "Frasier will know but she won't tell him because she would be as liable for what happened as we are. In fact it was originally her idea… I just went along with it." He assured her, "She has to cover our butts as badly as we do because she has to cover her own." Then he clarified, "We tricked Hammond into giving an illegal order he was not aware of."

Carter then observed, "That means were in it more seriously if he does figure out what we did…he's going to mutilate us." She added realizing, "We just made him liable for a court-martial and an accessory."

O'Neill then stated, "We are so screwed."

Sam concluded, "That means we better come up with a very good believable reason for your injury Sir…" They both groaned in frustration.

The rest of the weekend Jack rested and Sam took care of him. Now it was 07:00 hours and they headed to Cheyenne Mountain to the infirmary to see Frasier who had gotten O'Neill's injury files and x-rays and had looked them over.

Major Samantha Carter was helping Colonel Jack O'Neill waddle into the infirmary very slowly. Janet came in, saw them as Sam was helping Jack onto a cot to relax and came over to them. She crossed her arms and asked, "So are you going to tell me exactly how this happened or do I have to guess by the examination of his injury reports?"

They knew they could tell her but General George Hammond came in the next second, "Colonel O'Neill, I heard you hurt your back are you alright?"

"Not exactly Sir…" Jack groaned in pain, "I had a little accident…"

"A little accident…" Frasier raised her tone and then looked at the file reading, "You have a rotated vertebrae and a strained back with two weeks of healing time and another four weeks of 'be careful' before returning to active duty." She paused and stated, "SG1 is going to be down for a minimum of two months until you're completely healed."

"Two months…" Hammond was shocked looking at Frasier then at Jack, "Colonel? How the hell did this happen?"

Sam and Jack had these embarrassed, blushing expressions. She bit her lip and looked at O'Neill who was trying to think of something quick. "It was kind of embarrassing how it happened Sir…uh…"

Carter finally spat out, "He slipped on a banana peel in the kitchen sir." She covered her face more humiliated that that was the best she could think up. Jack looked at her his jaw on the floor and covered his face with disbelief.

"A banana peel?" The General wasn't buying it and crossed his arms glaring at them demanding, "What really happened Colonel?" He looked at Carter, "Major?"

Janet stood there holding her laughter at bay not wanting to burst out laughing in front of Hammond. Jack looked at Carter and told her, "Nice cover to think up Carter…now we have to tell him the truth which is more embarrassing."

"What happened to your back Colonel?" Hammond asked looking right at him and Frasier crossed her arms waiting to hear this one.

O'Neill then told them, "Well I was in the kitchen I was imitating Homer Simpson reaching for the last doughnut…" He imitated the move and it hurt him doing it making him yank his arms back. He groaned, "And I slipped on the newly washed floor and fell at a funny angle my back."

Now Sam got this expression of disbelief and recovered her face shaking her head. Hammond's jaw was on the floor as he looked at O'Neill. Then he looked at Sam who just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. The General rubbed his eyes frustrated, "I don't know what I'm going to do with you Colonel."

Janet advised in obvious humor, "I'd ban him from watching the Simpsons for a while so he'd learn some safer imitations." The all couldn't help smirking and chuckling.

"Sir?" Jack pleaded, "Please don't let the base hear about this…you know how the base is going to react to it."

"Yeah.", Sam whispered her remark her eyebrows rose and she turned around.

"Your reputation is already questionable as it is Colonel." Hammond reminded him, "I can't afford anyone at this base to find out. The repercussions and the damage to SG1 which is our best team would be disastrous." He paused and continued, "I can't let anyone find out the truth."

Carter's eyes grew and her jaw dropped, but her back was still to them. O'Neill just swallowed and remarked, "You have no idea Sir."

Frasier added, "That's for sure." She looked at Sam then at Jack starting to grin again. She then asked, "So what do we do General?"

"This situation will remain between the four of us and no one is to hear about it." Hammond informed them and looked at Sam, "Major, come up with a more believable reason for me to put in my report besides a banana peel."

"Yes Sir." Sam thought biting her lip, "How about he slipped on bowling lane and fell at the bowling alley."

"That's a lot more believable. Why didn't you come up with that in the first place?" George asked heading out of the infirmary frustrated. Then he told Carter, "You both are on medical leave as of now until Colonel O'Neill is healed."

Carter protested, "Sir? Why?"

"Well I figured since this is partially your fault." He explained, "You should be the one to take care of him."

Sam's face blushed red and she looked down, then up at him agreeing, "Yes Sir…" He was gone then. She couldn't disagree with him one bit since it was more than partially her fault. "Oh my God that was close…" Carter sat on the cot, "How could have I been so stupid?" She still couldn't believe herself, "A banana peel?"

Frasier was chuckling and looked at O'Neill, "Homer…a doughnut?" She pointed her pen at Sam, "Hers was more believable Colonel." She observed.

"Why didn't you come up with a bowling lane in the first place?" Jack asked her loudly, "Or even me falling while climbing or something?"

Janet stated, "The injuries wouldn't have matched. You would've had scrapes and cuts along with the bruises." She then crossed her arms, stepped closer and asked, "How did this really happen?"

"Well…" Carter began, "You know how you told me to use the secret weapon known as the P-word?" Frasier nodded. She continued explaining, "It shocked him so much he lost his balance and fell."

Jack remarked, "I never knew Carter knew that word even existed."

"What were you doing standing?" Janet asked and they nodded. She reacted, "You tried that position with his knees the way they are at his age and you at your age?" Sam and Jack looked ashamed, "What were you thinking?"

"It looked fun at the time." O'Neill commented, "And I'd never done it and always wanted to do it."

"So did I and it was going well until I used the P-word." Sam nodded in Janet's direction. Then she promised, "Which I am never using again."

"Bad advice on my part…" Frasier took responsibility.

"No it wasn't." Jack disagreed gesturing with his hands. They both looked at him with these disgusted looks. "What?" He then justified, "So it turns me on…I'm a man okay…"

"Are you sure you want me taking care of him?" Carter asked logically, "I'm to blame for this…" She started to worry, "I might cause even more damage."

Janet told her, "Well since he took care of you." Her eyes looked over at him then back at her, "You should take care of him." Sam groaned and she added, "Hammond's orders." Then she walked away from them leaving Carter freaking and O'Neill grinning."