Enjoy!
Jay put out the garbage that morning, hoping that nobody would look inside the bag, lest they find some rather unappealing contents.
"Ah! That's one way to be rid of a problem!", he chuckled, wiping his hands on his pants and turning back towards the new studio when a thought struck him.
'Tomo and Yomi still owe me!'
Indeed, the two girls still had to make up their side of the bargain when he allowed them to go find Funari ages ago; even if it did end up being a false alarm. Thinking back to what had occurred recently, he had a perfect idea of how to resolve this situation. It would not take much effort on their part; in fact, he would not even need to warn them beforehand!
Thusly, he entered the new studio and contacted Osaka as well as his favourite cameraman Hideki. The group was soon assembled in his office behind not-so-locked doors.
"'Cha need, Jay-chan?", Osaka asked.
"Well, you see…", Jay began pacing the floor. "do you remember how Tomo, Yomi and Koyomiko left the studio to look for Funari way back when?"
"Uh-huh", both nodded in assent.
"Well, I had made a deal with them and so far they have not held their part of the deal! So today we will be filming an impromptu session of "Ayumu's Wide World of Cryptids'!"
"Oh, happy days!!", Osaka cheered. "Lemme go get my helmet!"
"But what does that have anything to do with Takino-chan and Mizuhara-chan?", Hideki asked.
"They will be our subjects of study!"
"Eh?", Osaka tilted her head, but soon broke into excited shakes. "THEY'RE ALIENS, AIN'T THEY!?"
"No, no, no. You see, we'll study the human family!", Jay explained with a chuckle.
"That ain't no cryptid!", Osaka complained.
"Look, I can't think of anything better so just go along with it ok?", Jay asked, exasperated.
"But I wanna find cryptids…", Osaka pouted.
"I have an idea, Sir.", Hideki spoke up.
"Sure.", Jay nodded him onward.
"We could change the name of the show to 'Ayumu's Wide World of Mysteries' and then we wouldn't be confined to just cryptids."
Jay looked flabbergasted; his jaw dropped open, prompting Osaka to comment something about cyborgs.
"That's freakin' genius!"
Hideki smiled, pleased with himself. Jay then turned to Osaka and asked her if such a name change would be sufficient.
"That's actually better.", Osaka agreed.
"So it's settled!", Jay cheered. "Today we tackle the mystery of the human family!"
--
"Kaa-san, where's Mama?", Koyomiko asked.
"She said she had to help Madoka-san with something.", Yomi answered, taking the little girl's hand for that day they had some shopping to do.
"Really? That's so nice of Mama!", the raven-haired girl giggled.
"Actually, even though I do not know what they're doing….I know it can't be good.", Yomi answered as she closed the door to their room behind them.
"Mama wouldn't do anything bad to Madoka-san! ….Would she?", Koyomiko questioned.
"Nothing too bad.", Yomi replied, seriously doubting those words.
"Good!", Koyomiko smiled. "Where are we going today, Kaa-san?"
"Well, first we have to find you a good bathing suit.", Yomi said as they made their way across the new studio parking lot.
Koyomiko's eyes grew wide and shone with an anxious light. She even began to walk with a slight hop in her step.
"Are we going swimming!?"
"That just might happen….", Yomi grinned mischievously.
"Yay!!"
As they walked off down the sidewalk, they did not notice the three people following them in the shadows…
--
Elsewhere, Yukari and Tomo had taken Madoka to a downtown shopping centre to begin step one of their 'How to be Metal' program. First step, 'How to Dress Metal'!
"Must I truly wear this?", Madoka asked, shivering in her loose jeans and rather tight shirt with band logos plastered over it in every direction.
"Well, duh! Now you look epic!", Tomo cheered, attracting the attention of many of the pierced shop-goers.
"And every metal goddess needs to be epic first!", Yukari nodded.
"Is this studded leather belt a necessity?", Madoka asked, feeling appropriately out of place.
"Of course it is! Now we need…hrmm….what would you suggest, Yukari-chan?"
Yukari flipped through a few rows of clothing and came back hoisting a pair of…
"L-leather trousers!?", Madoka asked incredulously.
"Uh-huh!", Yukari nodded. "It doesn't get more metal than tight leather pants!"
"Try 'em on!", Tomo said, shoving them into Madoka's unwilling arms.
"But….they seem so…so…."
"Let me guess…'shameful'?", Yukari grinned maliciously.
Madoka was silent, her face steel. She turned and entered the dressing room and came back moments later donning the black leather on her muscular legs.
"Woah!! You look…", Tomo was speechless.
"Fucking awesome!", Yukari gave an approving thumbs-up.
That's when Madoka's face turned from slight smile to a grimace as she fell slowly to the floor.
"AHH!! AHHH M…MY LEGS!! THEY ARE NUMB!!"
"Oh shit!! It cut off the blood flow!!"
--
Hideki positioned the camera so that both Osaka and, up ahead, Koyomiko and Yomi could be seen.
"Welcome ta Ayumu Kasuga's Wide World of Mysteries! Today we're gonna study the mysterious interactions between mother and daughter! OooOoOOOo!", Osaka said just loud enough to be heard.
After all, they were in a store…hiding inside racks of clothing..and spying on their friends.
"Ah! Look right there!", Jay pointed out. "Look how they laugh and smile together as they shop for…."
"Looks like sexy bikinis!", Osaka noted. "Look at tha orange one! LOOK AT IT!"
Jay peered closer as the camera zoomed in to show a small orange bikini covered with what looked like…
"UFO's?", Jay said, lifting an eyebrow.
"YES! It's obviously a conspiracy to brainwash tha kids!", Osaka huffed. "Lookit little Koyomiko lookin' all happy at them aliens…."
"I don't think that's why she's so happy….", Jay said.
"Then why? Then why!?", Osaka grumbled after the outburst.
"I think that- Oh look! They're moving!", Jay pointed as the two targets sauntered in a different direction.
Scrambling out from the rack of bathing apparel, they quickly clomped along, disguising themselves with hangers of clothing draped over their bodies.
"Do we look inconspicuous?", Osaka asked as they followed Yomi and her daughter into the 'Delicates'.
"Of course! Walking capris are totally rational!", Jay said with only the slightest hint of sarcasm.
"'Course they are.", Osaka nodded, yanking the other two suddenly into a rack of brassieres.
"What?", Jay asked, a C cup dangling from his head.
"Lookit that! Yomi's gonna buy a bra that's too small for her!", Osaka pointed across the aisle where Koyomiko sat on a nearby bench as Yomi perused the brassieres.
"…How can you tell?", Jay asked, incredulous.
"Ah can see through her clothes with this!", Osaka opened her shirt to reveal a black vest peppered with blinking nodules and myriad wires.
"The hell is it?"
"It's a Sight Vest or summin'.", she explained. "James gave it to me…and now I can see everyone's undies."
Hideki immediately screeched and covered himself, but Jay simply shrugged, unaffected.
"What good is that?", Jay asked.
Osaka performed her own shrug at this question.
"I can see everyone's undies. Guess it's kinda neat."
"Guys…", Hideki said softly.
"I mean, it doesn't seem all that useful…", Jay countered.
"Guys….", Hideki spoke a bit louder.
"Don'tcha like undies?", Osaka tilted her head in confusion.
"Gu-"
He was cut off by a bright light and a piercing scream. The group gazed upward as Yomi stared down at them, aghast with shock.
"What the hell are you all doing here!?", she raged.
"Umm..uhh…", Jay droned.
"Hiya there!", Koyomiko smiled gleefully and waved at them as her head poked around from behind Yomi.
"What are you doing in the racks!?", Yomi growled.
Jay stuttered endlessly and performed the most rational act that came to his mind: He grabbed Osaka and Hideki and ran.
"MY NAME'S TOMO TAKINO!!", he screamed as he bolted from the store, the other two in tow.
Yomi could do nothing but stare. She had never felt so clueless in her eighteen years of existence. Koyomiko togged at her sleeve.
"Kaa-san….what was that all about? Jay-san isn't Mama!"
"Koyomiko….have you ever felt your brain shut down before?", Yomi spoke in a monotone.
Koyomiko nodded and stared after the group as well.
"I know what you mean, Kaa-san…."
--
"Yukari-sensei…Takino-san…I must say this is quite detestable…", Madoka stated as Step Two: 'How to Listen to Metal' began.
"Hey! These CD's aren't cheap, you know!", Yukari complained.
"Yeah! Do you have any clue how rare 'Perpetual Blasphemy Volume 2 ' is!?", Tomo chastised.
"I do appreciate your efforts, but I am..unsure if being 'metal' is my personal style.", Madoka commented.
"Now, let's go!", Yukari cackled and popped the CD into her car stereo.
"METAL ROAD TRIP!!", Tomo laughed openly, pumping her fist in pure celebration.
The first notes nearly blew Madoka out the rear of the vehicle. She gripped hard against the door handles as the relentless bass line and the unstoppable blast beats, coupled with Yukari's mind-altering driving ability sent her consciousness into another space and time.
Panic was not unknown to her, but it was generally unfamiliar. All she knew was that she wished to leave the premises immediately. Madoka had no idea how Tomo and Yukari were in any way enjoying this, much less holding up devil-horns and headbanging.
And if this was only Step Two…..
--
Hideki, Osaka and Jay stood panting in an alleyway between two large buildings. They had just escaped the store in the nick of time!
"Now…what do we..do?", Osaka asked between deep inhalations.
"Well….that video didn't work out quite as planned.", Jay admitted sheepishly.
"Darn it….Now I gotta wait even longer for my show…", Osaka pouted, shuffling her feet.
"Don't fret, Ayumu.", Jay said. "We'll have your show up and running real soon!"
"Ah hope so…"
"Though…you said Takino-san owed you something as well. Where is she?", Hideki asked.
"I have no idea, but-"
The ground rumbled. The skies took on a shadowy cast. The rivers ran with blood!
Animals evacuated the area, leaving humans to stare in horrified awe at the evil coming their way.
A voice in the air spouted many blasphemies as accompanied by pounding percussion and grinding guitars. It was immobile; the perfect wall of sound.
"Oh, there's Tomo-chan!", Osaka said moments before a blur roared past; the wall of sound slamming each and every person in the vicinity to the hard ground below. Even the buildings shed a few loose stones or chips of paint as they rocked on their foundations.
"Was that…what I think it was..?", Jay asked, nursing his injured skull.
"Uh-huh.", Osaka answered. "It was Hell itself…."
--
Madoka curled up in the back seat, horrified at the notion of how many laws they may be breaking.
"YOU MUST STOP THIS VEHICLE IMMEDIATELY!!", she warned to no avail.
Yet, Tomo did turn to face her; flashing her the devil-horns sign.
"Hey, Dorka. Try out a death growl!"
"A what?"
"Death growl! Like on the CD!"
Madoka was floored. This horrid singing had a name? The unearthly wail had a purpose besides annoyance? There were WORDS in the undulating vocals?
Madoka shook her head 'no' and continued to grip the handles of the seat tightly.
"Nay!! YOU MUST STOP THIS!!"
"Hey, there's the studio!", Yukari pointed ahead, smiling. Yet, that smile soon dropped to a deep frown. "…How do I stop this thing!? It has too many pedals!!"
Indeed, this was a new car granted her by an appreciative fan. It was the first outing of said car as well; which she neglected to mention to either Tomo or Madoka.
"Hit 'em all!", Tomo suggested, her eyes reading fear.
And thusly Yukari acted upon her suggestion for it was not the time or the place for a round table discussion on the matter. She moved her foot to the right and pressed hard on the pedal her foot came in contact with.
All they heard was a high squeal.
All they saw was their life flashing before their eyes.
--
Bystanders who saw the vehicle at that moment only saw a flash and it was gone.
It was as if it had…left this world.
--
"PRESS MORE PEDALS!!", Tomo yelled again as they careened by a three-eyed magenta-furred beast.
Yukari hit the next pedal. The scene faded and…
--
To bystanders it seemed as if the Help Desk studios were struck by a nuclear attack. They scattered, fearing that the Americans had returned for retribution.
--
Yomi and Koyomiko were first to arrive and view the building explode with a ravenous force. The sight caused Yomi's jaw to drop and her eyes to widen. She dropped the bag of clothing she was carrying.
Koyomiko stared on in wonder at the rising smoke and flame.
"I guess we're not gonna go swimming today…", she said, terribly disappointed.
--
Jay was a block away from the scene when the sight of the flames and the loud explosion reached him.
"Jay-chan! Ain't that the studio!?", Osaka said, pointing.
Jay broke into a sprint. A myriad thoughts rushed through his brain. None more so than:
'Please let it not be Tomo playing with matches again….'
He pushed his way through the crowds; too concerned with his investment and the safety of his employees to be bothered with proper manners. Huffing and puffing, he soon reached the entrance to the lot to find Yomi and Koyomiko standing there.
"GYAHHHHH!!", he screamed upon seeing his wrecked studio once more.
He completely ignored Yomi and Koyomiko's calls for him and ran towards the smouldering detritus to asses the situation. As he got closer the heat became more intense and he saw three people come staggering out of the refuse.
"TOMO!! YUKARI!! MADOKA!!", he called upon seeing them safe.
Madoka shivered and collapsed into a foetal position as Yukari and Tomo simply broke into laughter.
"THAT….WAS…THE…COOLEST THING EVER!!"
--
"So then Yukari, like, went into hyperspace or something and BOOOM! We slammed right into the studio!", Tomo laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her head. "Sorry 'bout that, Jay!"
Jay contained his roiling anger by dialing his mobile…slowly and with great fury. First, he placed a call to his bank so as to confirm his account balance. Then, acting upon an idea he had ages ago, he placed a call to the Imperial Palace in Tokyo.
"Yes, this is Jay, creator and owner of Azumanga Help Desk. Get me in touch with the royal family. I wish to purchase the Imperial Palace…."
Go ahead and look up just how much the Imperial Palace is worth...do it! It's only a TINY bit expensive...