Feelings in the human realm are fleeting
Emotions change with the seconds, drifting with patterns and are merely the products of a few reactants
Love, love of all things, fluctuates
For you do not truly love someone unless you love them even when they are as bad as they get
The memories are foggy, dim and some times not all there
But, the knowledge, the knowing it was there
This is love in its purest form
The observation of it from the present point of view
Some look on theirs with embarrassment, or mourning, or even sad, bitter resolve
But since true love can't be defined as forever, one knows it was there when they can look back on it with a sad smile, because their knowledge that it was ever there is enough, even if it did not last
The Wallpaper
Chapter Thirteen
I Will Follow You into the Dark
"I want you to kill this cop."
Eiri's eyes widened when the point finally hit home, what it would mean.
Freedom."... your services will no longer be needed..."
Freedom from the fear. No more delivery boy for Tohma. He could run again, try harder, start new and find a better place.
But the cost of that freedom?
"..kill..."
Simple really. More blood.
More death on his hands, more pain to live with. Another nail in the coffin of his sanity that seemed already spreading thin. The irony came unsettling to Eiri. He killed in the first place, and now he would kill again to be free from the ramifications of his first murder. Suddenly the thought brought rise to a nauseous urge in his stomach, the want to fling himself to the floor and throw up.
It would become a cycle. A cycle of murder and he would be nothing more than a sick, demented murderer. Murdering to get ahead, to hide, and to be free.
"...Now on to details, In this folder you will find all the information necessary to your task. He is no ordinary cop I must warn you, he is a special agent from the United States. When I began business over seas, the American's felt it was prudent for them to become involved in the investigations already being led here. When you are playing your home field, it's easier to work with, but the C.I.A. are stubborn opponents, I hope you see. K-san has been sent to infiltrate my business, and isn't as secretive as he thinks." Tohma sighed and opened the folder
Eiri looked up at Tohma and watched as he examined the thick stack of papers carefully, almost in mourning.
"What a shame. When I found out he was working with the Americans I was so disappointed. He is quite the agent." Tohma's face was thoughtful.
"Seguchi-san,"
"Yes, Eiri-san?" Tohma looked up, smiling slightly, clearly pleased with himself. The content this man held with his life only made Eiri even more sick.
"I am not up for this." Tohma's pleasant smile disappeared quick, and the lurking wrath and spite that has always been carefully kept, but also well known to exist, took its place.
"Explain, for I am hard-pressed to understand Eiri."
"I just can't do it Seguchi-san." Eiri racked his brain for even a semi-decent reason; anything to save his skin and still keep in Seguchi's good graces, without committing another murder. Yet, despite his desperate thinking, he was falling short.
"You have done it before." Seguchi hit bellow the belt, and Eiri clutched his stomach suddenly as though the punch had been physical.
Darkness was creeping in from his peripheral vision, his heart was pounding. Sweat began to form at his hair line, and he felt as though chills were tearing through his body. He saw blood, blood everywhere.
"Seguchi, I have never committed premeditated murder. Give me time, give me harder jobs first. Give this guy to your more capable goons, Sakano-san's good. He's gotten away with a few, please anything, I just, I know, I can't-"
"Enough," Eiri snapped out of it. Looking up, he found himself on his knees, his arms embracing himself.
He had panicked.
Tohma looked a little disgusted, his mouth closed firmly, his upper lip slightly turning. He stared hard at Eiri, his gaze burning into the other blond. And then, with a sigh, he sat back in his chair and propped his feet on his desk.
"Fine, although I am thoroughly disappointed with you. Don't be surprised if the next few things I have you do are as equally disgusting as murder, but not quite so finite. There are a few people who I do need reminded of their loyalties..." Tohma eyed Eiri wearily, "That is all then. Nothing to do today. Leave, collect yourself, and come back tomorrow with a knife, rope, and a shaving blade. I will be sure to demonstrate a few of the methods you will be using on you."
Eiri shuddered. He knew the physical pain he would endure was to be great. But what was a few scars to the skin? It's what goes beyond skin deep that matters.
In general, he felt greatly relieved. So he'd rough a few guys up, still better than killing them.
Eiri stood, turned and walked quickly to the office door, but before he could pull it open, Tohma stopped him.
"Eiri, consider yourself extremely lucky. I usually find my terms similar to war fare methods; kill, or be killed. Don't hope for the same fortune next time." Tohma eyes were focused on cracking his knuckles, glaring at his hands in a very sinister manner.
"Thank you, Seguchi-san," And with that, Eiri closed the door behind him.
Shuichi slid back against the wall, his hand covering his mouth and his eyes wide.
It had been an innocent plan. Use the fire escape Eiri had led him and Hiro up for a peak in Seguchi's office. No biggy, seeing as how he had been resolved to find some answers anyway.
Yet instead of answers, he only got more questions.
'You have done it before.'
After Seguchi said that Shuichi nearly fell fire escape. He watched through a trembling, blurry vision as Eiri fell to his knees and started to shake, grasping himself as though he was in agony, pleading, rambling, like a madman.
So the newspaper hadn't been a sham, and Hiro's warnings had been founded. Eiri had killed, he had taken a life.
"...never committed premeditated murder..."
What had happened?
Shuichi let out a silent, yet violent sob that shook his body. What had caused his Eiri this suffering?
Eiri slammed his apartment door shut, digging his shaking hand into his pocket, desperate to pull out a cigarette.
Damn it, got to get it out of the box first
Fumbling, and trying to grasp the box, in his desperation and in his inability to control his shaking the box flew out of his hands, the cigarettes flying everywhere.
"Damn it! Fuck! Of all fucking things," But Eiri trailed off as the apartment door opened, then closed softly. The atmosphere became stale and heavy as Shuichi knelt his puffy, red-eyed self to the ground, picked up a lone, white stick, and gently placed it in between Eiri's quivering lips.
Eiri stood in his place, trying to cease his body's movement, the spasms of panic and fear, but unable to. He stared down at Shuichi, as the younger teen eased himself slowly, closer to Eiri.
Reaching up, Shuichi cupped Eiri's face. They were standing chest to chest now, and Eiri's cigarette fell back to the floor. His hands twitched at his sides as his mind raced, his eyes overflowing.
"I can't kill again." He choked out. Shuichi nodded.
"You don't have to."
"I didn't mean to kill him, but I did. In this town I was living in, I just killed him. And I tried to kill the other guys. You don't understand, I had to." Eiri sputtered out, his voice raising.
"I do understand. I love you." Eiri shook the hands off his face and stumbled backwards.
"Love me, how can you-"
"I fell in love with this Eiri. The good, and the bad. I want it all. Give me no less than that, and I love you."
Eiri stared, his body calming down and actually coming down. Breathing in, breathing out.
Shuichi closed the gap between them again and wrapped his arms around the unresponsive Eiri.
"How do you...."
"I spied on you and Seguchi."
"Brat..."
Shuichi smiled.
Friday
"Oh, could you be any rougher?" Gasped Shuichi, throwing his head back against Eiri's shoulder.
Eiri just groaned in response, thrusting hard in to Shuichi, slamming the smaller body against the cold, shower tile.
The bathroom really was ironically the most unsanitary, dirtiest place in the building. The bathroom was tiny, the shower stall hardly big enough for one person, let alone two, and it was like a time capsule from a hippie, western period. Ugly, chipped yellow tile, covered with what had once been white but is now yellow shower curtain, and wooden walls, floor and ceiling.
Not ideal, or romantic, but neither of the two cared.
Eiri's hands grasped Shuichi's hips, digging in and bruising as his pace only became faster. Shuichi groaned, splaying his hands on the tile wall in front of him, pushing back to meet each thrust.
"You know," Shuichi said between moans, " I should get us dirty more often. I kind of, oh yes, like this shower sex thing- Yuki!" Eiri chuckles mixed with his pantimg, bringing one hand to brace against the wall, using his body to push Shuichi closer against the tile.
"You don't have to go and spill soup all over both of us to have shower sex though," Eiri replied, " I would much rather you just suggest we go have hot sex in a cold shower. I don't have any other clothes besides that." Shuichi just nodded, now far to gone to respond.
Again, Eiri's hands found their way to Shuichi's hips, one snaking down to grasp Shuichi and the other burying itself into Shuichi's side.
Eiri noted how close he was, the fire building in his abdomen, the tightening of his muscles, his inability to breathe right, the loss of thought, and all he could register hardly was Shuichi's loud mantra of 'Eiri, Eiri, Eiri,' and Eiri was going to-
A loud throat clearing noise interrupted Eiri, and reality came slamming back down. The water was freezing, the position he and Shuichi in was extremely uncomfortable, and worse yet, he was losing his interest.
Oh, the person who just interrupted them was in for a world of hurt.
Shuichi gasped and pulled away from Eiri, grabbing one of the towels the two had slung over the top of the curtain railing. Eiri, grumbling and muttering curse words, grabbed the other and wrapped it around his waist, and flung the shover curtain open.
"What!"
Sakano'san, a nervous man with deep black hair, and black rimmed glasses, was anxiously petting at his neck and tie, eyes looking around the bathroom erratically,
"S-Seguchi-san sent me for Shindou-san, since it is now time for Shindou-san's appointment.
The bathroom became still, the only noise that could be heard came from one of three lights around the small mirror above the sink, which was twittering in and out of life.
Eiri felt a slight pressure on his shoulder as Shuichi brushed past him, not turning back. He bent, grabbed him clothes, and left, wrapped in a towel, with Sakano-san.
Eiri stared after them.
"Ryuichi, why is it that you try to kill yourself?"
The room was bright. White was the walls, the floor, the bed sheets, the heart monitor. White was the womans neat, professional skirt and suit jacket ensemble. White was his own clothing. All this white made his eyes hurt, especially with the fluorescent lighting
"I dunno, you tell me doc. You're the one with the medical degree here."
The lady pursed her lips and looked down at her clip-board.
"Okay then, could it have anything to do with your daughter passing away? Tragic accident, the child being so young would have thought the blue cleaner looked like a drink-"
"I know how my daughter died, thank you very much. Unless you have lost a child, you would never know what it's like."
"Then tell me?"
"I see her body every time I blink, lying there, peacefully, without a rise in her chest, right next to the empty windex bottle. And then, to make it worse, I see my wife and her brains all over the wall, in a pool of her own blood, laying next to the gun she shot herself with after my daughter died. Now tell me doc, why do I want to kill myself?"
"Killing yourself is never the solution,"
"There is no more solutions in my life."
Eiri sat up against the wall, for hours after the shower, picking the fuzz at the carpet. He sat there, thinking, pondering, and before he knew it, he'd find himself back to one thought: he should be back by now.
Sighing, Eiri shook his head, skipping to the next thought.
"I spied on you and Seguchi."
So now he knew. With all the media attention on the case after it had happened, and even still occasionally, Shuichi hadn't appeared to have any clue Eiri was wanted on suspicion of murder. Eiri gave a light snort and rested his head back against the wall.
"I fell in love with this Eiri. The good, and the bad. I want it all. Give me no less then that, and I love you."
In his moment of insecurity and panic, when Eiri was so close to that edge and was about to lose it, clear, violet eyes gazed deeply to his own and said that. The reaction felt as though the light switch in a windowless dark room had just been flicked on, and everything became haze-less. Eiri wouldn't say it was a feeling of disorientation, more like disbelief; he was all right, everything was okay.
All because of Shuichi.
No panic attack, no anxiety attack, no falling into the dark pits of his mind where blood, gore and pain ruled. Just big, clear, violet eyes.
Most importantly, no Yuki.
His memory of all that had happened fell vague due to his own mental desperation to never relive it. So instead, Eiri shivered with this thought, instead he remade it. He would try to remember, try to put together pieces, but his attempts were futile. He could only recall three things; his clothing was partially gone, the sound of the gun shot, and blood, blood everywhere.
All of this began to wear down on Eiri. For all of this week, he could only scrounge a few hours of sleep each night, only to wake and think about the same things. His body and his mind was losing it.
His eyes closed heavily, and a yawn from his body. He probably could get away with falling asleep, Shuichi could hardly mind...
He should have been back by now. With a sigh, Eiri got up, deciding to give himself a bathroom break.
As he walked out into the hall, the distinct sound of the shower running could be heard. With a agitated grumble, Eiri made it to the door and lightly rapped on it.
"Hello? How long you going to be? I need to use the toilet." Eiri got no response.
Nothing, just silence, and running water.
Wait...
Eiri's eyes narrowed, and carefully he pressed his ear against the door. What sounded like faint whimpering caught Eiri's attention.
Shuichi.
Opening the unlocked door, Eiri found he had been right
The shower curtains were wide open and pushed against the wall. On the floor of the shower sat Shuichi, holding his fully clothed knees against his chest.
His eyes were wide open and blank looking, his mouth quivering and spilling out small sobs. The shower splashed over him, penetrating his completely saturated clothes.
Slipping off his shoes, Eiri treaded the dirty floor carefully, and found his way over to Shuichi. Turning off the water, he slid down the wall and sat next to him.
Without even looking at him, Shuichi began mumbling.
"It hurt, so bad, I can't get him off of me." Eiri carefully wrapped his arm around Shuichi, and pulled him close.
End Chapter Thirteen.
Sorry this took so long, I haven't had Internet for months.
Anyway, this story will have about six or so more chapters, so bear with me x) Things are about to get interesting.
Anyone like the love scene? Twas it all right? It's hard to write graphic stuff. I am not good at such.
And I hope the characters weren't TOO out of character, let me know your opinions.
Anyone want to beta for me? If so, please be a patient, understanding person. Also, someone with previous experience would be nice. Email me, or message me. Either way, go to my profile for contact info.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please let someone know. It is a phase, and it IS something you can work through.
Peace out cub scouts.