Warning: Alright, I'd really rather not have to put a warning on a story that's typically just for humor and a good few laughs, but it seems I must. If there is any reason as to why this story or any of my others bother you, I am not forcing you to read it. Any who were looking for full blown out romance between Winry and Edward in this story are kind of looking in the wrong place. If that's what you seek, I urge you to read 'Behind White Walls'. This story mainly revolves around Edward's sarcasm. Thank you! I'm not trying to come off rude, but I feel I should I should at least explain.

After another chaotic birthday from my daughter and a night of torching a giant banana suit, I'm finally back. Winry decided to have mercy on me and return my limbs, but she only did that to benefit herself. Shortly after I had managed to adjust to walking again, she forced me out of the house with Emily in order to find herself a new job. I'm thinking this is some sort of a phase, because financially, we're doing pretty damn good- Yet she insists on this stubborn need to find a job outside of her usual comfort zone with automail. And since the enchanted ice cream store didn't work out so well for her, she is determined to find another one. I suggested a clothing place, or maybe even a nice antique store, but Winry's heart was somehow set in working in the food business. Personally, I want nothing to do with working with food. I've heard customers can become rather hostile just in order to get to their meal.

Anyways, our long walk through Central finally ended when we came across a small sandwich shop that appealed to Winry. I don't know why she would pick such a place, but I figured that if it made her happy and got us to stop wandering aimlessly, then it definitely worked for me.

Putting her application in was annoying, because she constantly poked and prodded me for information on what would make her sound better. I don't know why she would ask someone like me, but she persisted, so I told her.

"Tell them you're going to rule the world."

"I want something realistic, Edward. Don't be stupid."

"You're bipolar."

"Ed!"

"You have a battered husband."

I don't see why she was getting so angry with me. The first one may have not been true, but I was being serious with the other two.

The application ended up taking a good half hour to finish, while in the meantime, I was stuck having to care for our two year old child- A child who always cries when she's around her father, and enjoys making a scene. Winry said it sounds a lot like me, but I don't have a clue what she's talking about.

I figured though, since we were in a food place, I might as well get something while being given the chance. My wife is known to randomly decide to not cook dinner, so I tend to use some self preservation skills. However, getting a sandwich myself meant getting something for Emily… something soft. The process of going about trying to get the desired sandwich took about as long as it took for Winry to finish her damn application. You see, my daughter; although two years old, can be rather sharp and, dare I say, controlling? An obvious Winry trait… Now not only can I not choose what to wear within my own home, but my choice of foods are now limited as well. Let's just say I didn't get to order the appetizing sandwich I wanted. In the end, all I got away with was apple slices and a juice box- which both ended up in my daughter's grubby hands. Emily can speak relatively well now, and her favorite word is apparent…. 'Mine'.

Anyways, the point of the matter is that my wife ended up getting that job. I took this with both positive and negative qualities. On the bright side, I was most likely going to get surprise sandwiches coming my way whenever she would get home, and on the dark side, she only worked the hours that I was so obviously free from my own job at HQ. Winry found it 'lucky' that we would no longer have to bother Gracia for babysitting and believed it to be a golden opportunity for me to get some quality time in with my young daughter. I thought it just sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. Not only was I already terrible with children in general, but I always tend to panic when I'm alone with them; Emily is no exception to this.

But regardless of my shouting and complaining about these new arrangements, Winry ended up winning and left for her job one crappy afternoon, leaving me with our 'beloved' child. It was okay for the first thirty minutes, because Emily kept herself occupied with her toys and rarely paid much attention to anything else; which was fine by me. As long as she didn't go ballistic, the day would go smoothly.

Unfortunately, I never tend to have that kind of luck.

Emily eventually grew bored with her toys and found some odd reason to start crying. This wasn't new to me, because I'm usually used to her random outbursts of tears. However, in the past I always just ended up taking her to my wife and let her fix the problem. But with no wife to take her to, I instantly panicked and tried out everything that I had seen Winry do to soothe our two year old. I took her to the bathroom, I tried to feed her, I cradled her, and I even tried to sing to her. I think the last one made her cry harder, but it had always worked for Winry, so I don't know why she took offense to it.

Eventually, I found the need to just call for reinforcements. This was an emergency in my book, so I didn't see why asking for help would be a problem. It's not like I actually wanted any of their assistance, but I was desperate so I allowed it. In all honesty, I really would have rather called my little brother, but he never once answered his damn phone throughout the entire ordeal.

So, who showed up at my door a good hour later? Colonel Bastard and his 'groupies', unfortunately. They were pretty much all a last resort, but it was better than nothing. Nobody else answered my calls, which makes me wonder if Winry had something to do with that.

Anyways, even after a long hour of nonstop crying, Emily was still holding strong and forcing herself to carry on as though someone had just stolen away her best friend. In this case, that might be true, because we all know how attached children can be to their mothers. But regardless, I had to find some way of making her stop the annoying noise. I had been banking on Hawkeye showing up with the jackass Mustang, but apparently she had work to do and couldn't make it.

It's a shame that not one woman came to my aid that day- Only unwanted military personnel with half baked ideas.

Mustang felt that the only reason females cry is their lack of being introduced to good charm. Apparently, he didn't feel that age mattered, which disturbed me.

Havoc believed a good smoke could cure anything, but once again, I don't think either of the two was considering my daughter's age in these cases.

Breda offered Emily a donut, but I instantly shot down that idea. I already had a two year old throwing a temper tantrum, so I didn't feel like having her on a sugar high soon after.

Falman just insisted on spouting off information and the development of two year olds and their random activities they pursued in. A lot of it, I already was aware of. Emily could walk, speak simple two to three word sentences, feed herself with a spoon, use the 'potty', and overall just be a big pain in the ass. The day she learned to walk was the day I realized that things were going to get so much harder. However, I was pleased when we managed to teach her to go to the bathroom on her own.

I felt this was a little awkward, because she would randomly grab my hand at times during the day and lead me to the bathroom to show me her 'accomplishment'. Winry was ecstatic, but I just felt…uncomfortable. Either way, I still had to clap to show that I was proud.

Hearing her speak the first time had made me proud, because her first word had been 'dada'. I realize this is many children's first thing that ends up coming out of their mouth; seemingly because it's easier to say than 'mama'. This usually gets women angry and whatnot, but their day in the spotlight comes later. Besides, it makes us happier. Men rarely get really excited over such things as simple as that, but it's showing interest, so women should be proud of their husbands. Instead, we get the evil eye for some reason.

Anyways, back to the topic of my babysitting issue and the horrid temper tantrum my daughter was throwing, I was running at a loss of what to do. The so-called helpers I called over were proving to be just about as useless as Mustang is overall on a rainy day. But thankfully, one of them had come up with a decent idea.

Fuery.

"Do you think maybe she would appreciate a story? It might help her fall asleep for her nap."

"Mm, I don't know any stories, and I'm not good at telling them either."

"We can make one up… We'll all just take turns."

Sounded great, but I forgot that the ones with me were hopeless losers. I wasn't expecting our story to come out all that successful. I was correct with my assumption…I was the first to start it out.

Edward- Once upon a time, there lived a tall prince who ruled over a kingdom of short people. This prince was named Edwin. Prince Edwin was a fine young man, who read science books in his spare time to increase his knowledge. He also loved to research the elements and… And eat pie daily without gaining a pound! Prince Edwin often went into town to look over the short people and make sure none of them were growing to his height or above them. If they were, they were immediately thrown in a dungeon and given coffee daily to stunt their growth! There would be no milk allowed either, for it was banned in the country of short people.

Mustang- One day, a handsome young man visited this ridiculous country to seek out the infamous tall Prince Edwin. It had been said the boy of royalty was actually no taller than an inch over the short people and was quite the midget himself. This man whole heartedly planned to overthrow the flea and take it upon himself to rule over the short people and gather beautiful woman to form a harem in the palace.

Havoc- Smoking was permitted in the palace.

Breda- Dogs were banned from the country too.

Falman- Um…

Fuery- But peace and harmony always prevailed in this country!

Edward- Yes. Peace and harmony did always prevail... Until the evil sorcerer, Royo appeared! Feeling threatened by his presence, Prince Edwin dispatched guards to go and arrest the jerk and throw him in dungeon for all eternity with coffee and stale chips to eat everyday!

Mustang- But it wasn't so easy. The evil sorcerer was a difficult threat to deal with. He had many minions to help aid him in overthrowing the midget prince. Breaking into the palace after a long fight, the sorcerer hunted down Edwin and forced him to face his most formidable enemy. Milk!

Havoc- In the meantime, one evil minion was flirting with a cute servant girl in the hallway.

Breda- And another had located a chess table to steal.

Falman- Um…

Fuery- The last minion attempted to make peace between the sorcerer and the mighty prince.

Edward- But the tall prince would not be swayed by the minion's mention of peace, and was instead battling long and hard with the evil bottle of milk! In the end, Edwin used the power of his wonderful science and shattered the ugly bottle, spilling the disgusting drink on his polished floor!

Mustang- Then the evil sorcerer summoned an army of cows… forcing the midget prince to surrender and hand over his crown. The End.

Needless to say, this story ended abruptly with the bastard's persistent need to win and make sure that it closed with something in his favor. I personally thought it was cheating, and I complained about it for a good while, but figured it wasn't worth the effort when I found out that our entire reason for doing the ridiculous thing had paid off. I didn't hear any crying, and I didn't detect any movement from the bundle of blankets I had set my daughter within. Instead, I was shocked to find her sleeping away with her thumb in her mouth and curled into a disgustingly cute fetal position, completely oblivious to my unhappiness with the ending of a story that was supposed to be entertaining her.

Sometimes I wonder whether adults should feel offended when their children fall asleep after story time. The purpose is to help them fall asleep, but you have to wonder if they find the story a total snore and just end up passing out to end their misery of actually having to listen. I suppose I would want to just sleep too if I was faced with information of killer cows invading a fairytale country.

Regardless, Emily was taking her nap and I had to end up thanking the losers for making an effort to come down and help me. All of them had complained of something else they had to do, but I really doubted they had anything all that important aside from flirting, smoking, or just lazing around on their asses.

However, since Winry had insisted I do the babysitting alone in order to help me understand children better; I had to rush to kick them all out of my house. Winry only worked a couple hours for the day, so I knew she would be coming back soon and most likely be expecting chaos and crying. So of course when she stepped into the door and was met with peace and quiet, I couldn't help but feel proud and rather smug as I relaxed on the couch and read through one of my favored alchemy books. Now don't get me wrong, I fully intended to tell her all about our daughter's unnecessary need to throw a tantrum and demand attention, but I just wanted to feel good afterwards about how well I handled the situation. It makes me feel like a jerk for taking all the credit, but it's not like I got to announce Emily's actions anyways. It just so happened that my wife had a terrible day, and she didn't hesitate to share while munching vigorously on a sandwich she had made at the shop.

"Today was awful."

"I'm sorry, Win."

"I burned bacon today, dropped a customer's food on the floor, slipped and fell in the lobby, cut my finger while slicing bell peppers, cut my other finger while cleaning out the oven, and cut another while trying to rush and open a box loaded with chips."

"Wow… Your day really sucked, didn't it?! I mean… um… sorry."

"Yeah, thanks Edward. Anyways, how's the baby?"

This question made me want to complain about all the trouble our child put me through. She busted my eardrums, stung my pride by having to call for help, and caused my character in a story to be beaten by merciless cows. But considering the fact that my wife had a terrible day, I realized that, although as unfortunate as it may be, I was Winry's husband. It was my job to candy coat her day and spoil her after having a miserable day at her job. In all honesty, I just wanted to point and give her the 'I told you so' speech. Instead, I took pity on her and gave her a rather affectionate kiss before giving her my answer.

"The baby…? She… she was an angel."

Through a lie, one is bound to twitch, but Winry was grateful for the news all the same. Little does she know of our daughter's demon spawn attitude while she's was away. Little does she know…

Silverbell: Makes me wonder if there will ever be an 'Edward's Wonderful World of Teenagers' later on down the line. As for Winry's miserable day, a lot of stuff that happened to her…happened to me when I was working. Anyways, I have to end this soon like I said… I have to start focusing on 'Behind White Walls'. Heh.

Edward: -Munches on a sandwich-

Emily: Mine! –grabs at-

Edward:……………

Silverbell: Poor Edo. XD Anyways, please please please read and review! Thank you!