Eleventh of December – Tea with Toast and Honey
A Sunday that won't be followed by a workday is a rather odd thing to wake up to. Or so Eren decides as he opens his eyes to the first dim hints of daylight. It's nudging through the curtains of his room in a hesitant greyness, not yet strong enough to fill the world with brilliance.
He's stayed long at Levi's last night, refilling himself with images and scents alongside Levi's voice, soaking up every single hint of a smile. Now he has one whole day to spend until he'll go over again and—veteran or not—Eren is determined to start it with a lie-in, forbidding himself to think about anything else than turning over once more. His Sunday, his rules.
His bed is warm, warmer than the air surrounding it, and it's so cosy.
When he opens his eyes again, Eren is startled to notice that his inner clock tells him it's already mid-late morning. He gets up and pads into his small kitchen, grinning at the napkin that is still pinned to the wall as he fumbles with his water kettle.
The rooftops on the other side of the window are white with frost. Heavy, dark clouds outside threaten snow. Their gloom is omnipresent, yet feels slightly surreal as Eren prepares his breakfast. He relishes in the heavenly crisp stickiness of roasted toast with honey, crunching it with a delightful hum before washing it down with a sip of tea.
The demanding pressure deep in the pit of his stomach gets ignores—at least until Eren steps into the shower. Pulse speeding under a quickening breath, he looks down at his neglected cock that's been begging for attention since his insight three nights ago. By now it's become a constant ache, and Eren realises he has to do this eventually.
He's been avoiding giving into it so far, knowing it would mean admitting his feelings completely. After yesterday, however, it's painfully clear that there's no turning back. He's not confused about this anymore. He's not at the pond surrounded by cadets anymore either.
He's alone; and after the evening he's had, he needs it so fucking badly. No one will know. Now is as good a moment as any other.
Eren wraps his hand around himself with an anticipating shiver, already so wound up that he's ready to fall apart. He winces at the touch, too intense, so he loosens his grip to begin with one careful pull at his foreskin. Eyes falling shut, Eren allows Levi to surround him.
Months and years of once forbidden fantasies rush in, the barrier ripping open like a breaking dam. Eren lets it happen, lets the images flood him without sorting, without holding on to any of them. Clouded grey eyes, smiling ones and crinkling ones, stern and firm, sparkling, or blown wide with lust, bright, shining, bare, and observant. Self-assured hands mapping Eren's shoulders, his chest, his waist, gripping Eren's hips and pulling him close, close, closer. Slender fingers holding cups, drawing a bird, filling up a pen. Firelight catching on a wrist, on an enticing curve of collarbones, on Levi's strong, angular jaw. Hums over tea and fish, over chessboards, against Eren's neck, into Eren's mouth, followed by a tongue gliding over his own as he is being stretched and claimed. Pale skin under his fingertips, heated and flushed. Levi's addictive taste. His scent that Eren revisits every single night. In that chair. In Levi's flat. In his dreams.
Eren surrenders to it, fills his lungs with it, too occupied with trying to delay the building release. It's been too long. His body is shaking, his hands trembling under the effort of stroking as slowly as he can withstand, while his toes curl and the sweet, sharp ache at the base of his spine threatens to spill over. His breath goes heavy in the steamy cubicle, accompanied by his uncontrolled whimpers as water rains down on him. It prickles against his neck. Caresses his shoulders before running down his back and thighs in gentle warm rivers as the imaginary whisper of his name sets in.
"Eren."
"Oh, fuck yes!" He groans, his free hand blindly pressing against cool, wet tiles for steadying support. The images speed up, cascade into impressions of a hot, wet mouth wrapping around him. Levi pinning him against his brass counter, swollen lips curling in a silent promise, whispering all kinds of secrets. Bodies pressing against each other, slippery with sweat and heated, firm muscles trembling pliantly under his touch. Levi over him, under him, wrapped around him, arching, sinking, fucking Eren open. Levi sprawled out on white sheets, masturbating with lazy pumps, lips parting with a thrown back head as glistening streaks of white shoot up into the air.
Another deep whisper directly into Eren's ear with a soft brush of firm, slightly scratchy lips, "Eren. Now!" and with one last, liberating graze of his thumbnail over the exact right spot, it's over.
"Yes!" He comes in a burst of heat as he cries out under the water, spilling heavily into his hand and all over the place, shuddering and gasping; held up by an outstretched arm that's slipping in an attempt to dig his fingers into the flat, slick tiles.
Eren stands there, breath easing, heart racing, and lets his senses come back to him before he slowly opens his eyes. All the evidence is gone. Rinsed off and washed away, alongside his tension. Everything left is the knowledge that he is alone—and that he's run out of hot water.
Shivering, now because of the blast of icy cold, Eren hurries to finish his shower, wraps a towel around his hips, and gets ready to face the day.
"Sasha and Connie will be Instructors next term," Armin mentions to Eren and Mikasa in the afternoon. After another prolonged lunch, the three of them have left HQ to spend a fraction of their remaining time in unshared company.
"They talked to you?" Eren asks, hanging the cap of his coat over his head as a gust of wind whips around them with a rustle of leaves.
Armin covers his head too. "Yes. They've been at Hanji's this morning, and came straight to me afterwards to apologise."
"Sasha was nervous you'd be sad if they stayed," Eren gives away.
Armin smiles. "They look happier these days. They should be where they want to be."
Eren grins back.
Armin fixes him in scrutiny, but opposed to so many other times before, it's an untroubled examination, rather than a worried one. "You're looking better too."
"I am feeling better," Eren admits, definitely not thinking about his shower that morning, though it certainly helped to lift his mood.
"How was dinner yesterday?" Armin asks with a grin of his own. Of course he's not only speaking about dinner.
"Good," Eren answers, as casual as he can make it sound.
Clever, blue eyes glitter with mirth. "Sasha said you brought back some fish."
The sudden image about how Levi's eyes lit up when he took his first bite makes Eren grin again. "Yes."
"So…?" Armin prods. So you've come to your senses then?
"Yes," Eren admits, smiling down at his feet. "But no."
"I'm sorry," Armin says, frowning and wrinkling his nose as though lost in thought.
Eren shrugs. "It's okay." An odd, empty cold wants to gnaw at his insides as he says it, yet it's the truth nonetheless.
"Are you sure?" Mikasa asks into the silence. Thus far, she's been so quiet, following them like a shadow, breathing out small puffs of air.
"Yeah," Eren assures both of them. "It is."
She turns slightly to face him as she walks. "I know, Eren. I meant the no part."
Eren kicks a fir cone with his foot that sets it off flying away over the forest floor until it knocks against a tree to disappear in a heap of foliage. "Yes."
"I'm not," she says.
Nearly snapping his neck as he jerks around, he gapes at her. "What! Why?"
"Just a feeling." She calmly looks back at him, and then there it is again: A mild smile.
Sometimes Eren wonders if the Ackermans share an own language which consists of nearly the exact same gestures, curt questions, and answers.
That's not the issue here, however. Mikasa's familiar grey eyes are sincere and firm, so she is confident about what she said. It's ridiculous though. Taking in Mikasa's appearance, Eren tries to get out more information, because she's not telling him everything she knows. Her cheeks and nose are flushed, her mouth is nuzzled into his old red—now rather flimsy—scarf, her hands are buried in her pockets. In a flash of insight, Eren realises that he hasn't noticed the temperatures plummeting over night. Mikasa and Armin must be cold after walking in the frosty wind for almost two hours.
"Let's head for somewhere warmer," Eren suggests.
"I know just the place," Armin agrees with a mischievous wink.
As they enter the toasty interior of the Sparrow, Levi shoots them a brief glance from the back of the café. A smile flickers for a moment before he returns his attention to a trio of customers, to continue a conversation with a little pigtailed girl. Sitting next to her parents she points at a drawing as she speaks. Coloured crayons and sheets of paper are scattered on the tabletop in front of her, stirred up by her excited clapping and little hops. Levi nods, and she answers with an enthused chuckle before grabbing one of the crayon to continue on her art, chattering on in slightly incoherent words. "River blue, Libbi," she declares, stumbling over the name. "Blue pretty."
Levi hums. "Mm. What's also blue?"
She glances up from her drawing, her tiny hand with the crayon straying away from her paper and drawing lines onto the table top. Her father hastily aims for the crayon, but she grips it tight with a sound of protest before pointing at the window. "Sky! Not today. Gwey."
"That's right, Vigga," her mother says with a doting smile.
Attracted to the scene, Eren chooses a nearby table, abandoning his usual spot at the window with its view over nearly the whole café and Levi's counter. It's silly, he knows it is, but that table stands for something private he isn't willing to share with anyone yet.
"What can I bring you?" Levi asks when he is allowed to part from the girl, a trace of warm fondness still lingering in his eyes.
"Apple tarte, please, and coffee," Mikasa orders. She's smiling again, this time at Levi, and now Eren starts suspecting that something is going wrong with this world. This truly goes too far.
Seemingly not sharing Eren's opinion on Mikasa's strange behavior, Armin looks up at Levi. "The same for me, please."
Levi nods and lifts an inquisitive eyebrow at Eren that has all of Eren's worries about Mikasa's disturbing cheerfulness dissipate within a heartbeat. The familiar churning in his stomach sets back into motion instead.
"Apple tarte too, no coffee," he agrees with a feigned grimace, grinning as Levi comments with a snort before leaving for the counter.
No five minutes later their order arrives with three plates of apple tarte, two cups of coffee, and Eren's tea, handed over with a conspiratorial smirk. The choice must be something new. Eren doesn't recognise the scent. Another Oolong perhaps, he muses.
"Thanks," he says, grin widening in anticipation of the novelty.
Lips twitching, Levi hums and resumes his work. A choked sound from Eren's left reminds him that he's not alone, and Eren drags his eyes away from Levi's moving figure just in time to catch Armin quickly hiding a chuckle behind his hand.
"What?" Eren asks.
"Smooth," Armin deadpans, revealing his amusement after all as he reaches for the jar with sugar with sparkling blue eyes. "Really."
Rubbing his heated neck, Eren clears his throat. Armin is right, he really has to learn how to find his chill. "Harold loves the books and note copies you gave him," he deflects as he cuts off a piece of tart.
Features assuming interest, Armin stirs half a teaspoon of sugar crystals into his steaming coffee. "That's great to hear. He seems to have an inquisitive mind."
"He does," Eren agrees, enjoying his first bite of tart. As opposed to the apple pie, its crumbly crust is layered with thinly sliced apples in something that must be solidified cream with coarsely ground cardamom. Little pods crack on every bite, flooding Eren's mouth with their citrusy, sharp flavour. Wonderful. "He especially liked your additional sketches and would like to come to you before you leave again. I suppose he wants to pester you with questions. If that's alright?"
Armin nods. "Of course. I know how excited I'd have been if someone gave me information about the outside back then," he says, expression ponderous. "I'm happy to help."
Eren smiles. "Thank you."
They are still sitting there and talking at closing time. After flipping the sign on the door to 'closed', Levi joins them at their table with his own cup of tea, his apron still on. As he takes a chair from the next table to add it to their set of three, Armin and Mikasa close ranks between them to make room for Levi at the small table. Senses perking up at their swiftness, Eren gives them a suspicious glance. Armin appears smug, Mikasa decisively innocent which does not change at Eren's rapidly flashing glare.
Bastards.
Eren rolls his eyes at them, and then freezes in mid-motion when Levi sinks down beside him, so close that their shoulders nearly brush. Eren doesn't have to see Armin's expression to know he's planned this seating arrangement all along. Fuck.
"Three more days, huh?" Levi asks Armin. "Preparations going good?"
"Yeah," Armin says. "There's not too much to be done other than packing. Except for meetings, of course."
"Mm. Hanji told me about them." Levi takes a sip of his tea. His right arm is resting next to Eren's left, and Eren can feel its proximity, even through all the layers of clothing. Levi's right leg is too close too.
Hairs rising on his underarm, Eren concentrates on breathing normally as his insides tense with pleasure at each inhale.
Armin beams. "She found some algae in the water we brought with us."
Levi snorts. "Good. That might keep her occupied for a while."
In spite of his inner uproar, Eren smiles to himself. It certainly does if she's still talking about them with Armin.
"I think it will," Armin says with a ponderous frown. "She said they look different than from those she found in lakes."
"Mm. Which direction will you head towards next?" Levi shifts slightly in his chair, probably to ease a cramp in his leg.
He looks different in profile. Usually he sits opposite Eren, either here during café closing tea, or upstairs during dinner. They face each other during chess too. From this angle, his fringe seems to fall much more into his face, and Eren has free view on his moving Adam's apple as Levi speaks. Or when he swallows a sip of tea.
"North west this time," Armin replies, his voice bright with anticipation.
Levi nods. "The mountains."
"Yes Old folk tales says humans used to live there. Guess we'll find out for certain during this trip."
"Interesting territory," Levi agrees. "How long are you planning to stay in the field?"
Hearing them talk, Eren understands why Hanji has the impression Levi misses the military every now and then. Some parts, like the planning, the physical activity, the routines, he certainly does miss, at least a bit. The rest, however, not so much. Eren doesn't miss the war either, not one bit. This café somehow suits Levi more anyway.
The apron suits him too.
Laughing, Armin reaches for his cup of coffee. "Sasha is almost envious. She says she'll miss out on the bears."
"She and Connie are staying," Levi states.
"Yeah," Armin affirms, taking a gulp of his coffee. "I think it's better this way. I can understand that traveling for a living is not for everyone. Take Eren for example."
Sensing Levi's glance on him, Eren tries to wriggle himself out of becoming the focus of this talk. "Your map making is boring, Armin," he declares.
"They are when you are too distracted with your own thoughts to read them," Armin retorts with another grin. "Anyway," he continues. "I can't wait to go again. It's nice to have the amenities here, but it feels almost odd to sleep in a real bed."
Levi hums into his tea cup before setting it down. "I know what you mean."
Armin chuckles. "Yeah. Not better when there's no one to share it with, right?"
Horrified by the implication, Eren glares at his friend. Armin smirks, grins at Levi, then stares back at Eren. Mikasa fails at stifling a giggle into her threadbare scarf.
Uncertain whether to snort or blush at the bold wriggle of Armin's brow, Eren shakes his head and ends up doing both.
Unbe-fucking-lievable.
"More coffee, Armin?" Levi asks. His expression is blank, but there's a certain glimmer in his eyes that Eren finds alarming.
Levi doesn't find Armin attractive, does he?
Fingers clenching around the edge of the waxed tabletop, Eren scowls at his empty plate. Who finds Levi attractive anyway? As far as Eren can remember, Levi has never mentioned a former partner, or even friends with benefits. Eren has never heard many rumours about Levi either. At least none outside of those which involve himself, and Eren knows how far-fetched most of them sound. Still, there must be someone Levi likes. Levi deserves someone good in his life. He deserves everything.
Armin deserves to be happy too, Eren thinks, biting on his lip and shifting his leg further away from Levi's. Of course he does, but as little as Eren would stand in any of his friends' way to happiness, this combination hurts far more than he wants to admit to himself. Even as a theory.
Armin shakes his head. "No, it's dinner time. We should go."
A small smile still lingering on her face, Mikasa nods in agreement.
Finding him the aim of three questioning glances, Eren jerks back to the present and blinks. "Huh?"
"Dinner?" Levi asks. His eyes appear even greyer this close, and Eren wishes to sink into them.
"Yes," he murmurs, only half-remembering the actual question.
"I've got potatoes upstairs," Levi offers. "Fried?"
It sounds amazing, and Eren's stomach growls in approval. Mikasa huffs a quiet laugh.
"Well, that's a yes." Levi smirks.
"We'll leave you two to it then," Armin jokes.
To Eren's relief they all stand. It's become far too dangerous for his resolve at this table. While he helps Levi to collect their dishes to carry to the sink, Mikasa and Armin slip into their cloaks before shuffling towards the counter to pay. Soon they are out of the door with a final goodbye, and Levi locks up behind them.
With his hands deep in the soapy water, Eren listens to Levi's closing ritual in the café, finding his mind trailing off to Mikasa's words from earlier. Although it's usually wise to listen to her instincts, Eren doesn't see what makes her think that he is wrong with his assumptions in this particular case. Ever since their one night stand, which Eren counts himself responsible for, Levi has never made a move. Eren doesn't see why Levi even would, least of all why Levi would want a committed relationship with him.
His own feelings aside, Eren is so young in comparison. Still is. There's nothing he can change about that, and it's alright. His age aside, he wouldn't choose himself to have a relationship with either. On the contrary, he imagines it to be awful. Friendship is one thing, but for a life partner? Levi could have anyone. So why should he settle for Eren, with all his awkward moments and his temper? With all the blood on his hands and with his inexperience in so many things? Even theoretically. Not even to mention the Titan Shifter part. Some might find the mere idea disgusting. Most of them scary, even.
Towelling dry the first clean cup, Eren chews on his lip. Levi has never treated him as anything less than human. However, wanting to share your bed and life with someone is a completely different matter. Maybe this was even why Levi avoided Eren's eyes on the next day. Perhaps he couldn't face the fact that he had sex with someone who could have been an enemy.
"Ready?" Levi asks behind him.
Eren jumps, realising he's been glowering at the cup in his hands. His movements jerk back into action as he shakes his head. "Um, no."
"Need help?" Stepping closer, Levi takes a second towel and reaches for a plate. He seems so relaxed today. So content. Standing here in the staff department of his café, drying dishes, and filling the silence with calm breathing that easily synchronises with Eren's own.
For the umptienth time the question rises in Eren's head why Levi slept with him that night. Eren long thought it must have been out of pity or simply because Levi didn't want to hurt Eren's feelings after that battle by pushing him away. Levi had never made any sorts of advances before, nor after. If he wanted Eren in the same way Eren wants him, wouldn't he have said something the next day? Or at least looked less regretful?
Then again, maybe Eren misunderstands everything. Everything in his head seems to have become so twisted. Even his revelation about loving Levi, long overdue as it was, has taken him by surprise. Are there more things that he's gotten wrong? Could Levi actually have wanted him once too?
No. Try as best as he might, Eren can't see it. Attempting to push for a hint, an answer, or anything would be a selfish and foolish thing to do. A very foolish thing indeed. It might even drive Levi away from him, and Eren doesn't want to risk anything here. He might never get every bit of what he longs for, but he has the best part. He's got the company and the trust. Their friendship, and their new routine to look forward to every day.
Levi glances up at Eren, and Eren smiles back.
Yes, his heart says. Things are good as they are.
Back in Levi's most favourite chair, Eren is happily fed with tea, fried potatoes, and impressions of Levi. Levi even produced some bacon to add it to the pan, making the dish so absolutely wonderful that Eren can't help but wonder if Levi's already delicious cooking improves with every day he stays for dinner.
"So," Levi says after they've turned the chessboard around and he's moved the first pawn in another attempt at queen's gambit. "Sasha and Connie will stay as Instructors with you?"
"Yes," Eren says, moving one of his black knights with a challenging smile that is countered by a lifted eyebrow and an approving smirk. "It's a bit odd, really. I thought they were happy out there, with their penchant for nature and everything related."
"Circumstances change," Levi offers, tapping his index finger on the armrest of his dark red corduroy chair. "If they want to start a family, it would be better for them to stay."
Thoroughly content with the world, Eren nods as he watches the glow of the fire illuminate Levi's hand.
"What about you?"
Breath hitching, and heart swooping, Eren snaps up to meet a pair of grey eyes that have assumed a slight golden hue under the firelight.
"What?" he croaks.
"Will you rejoin them when they go?"
Oh, Eren thinks. That. But still, despite the question seems to be neutral, casual even, Levi taps his finger again, and Eren knows there's more to the question.
"No," he says simply, searching Levi's gaze in an attempt to figure out why Levi would even have to ask.
Levi nods, and when he takes a sip of his tea, his eyes are positively warm.
"Why should I leave anyway," Eren asks when a few moments have passed without further comment, and Levi has moved one of his pawns. "The new recruits arrive next week."
"Good. They'll keep you from becoming lazy." Levi is teasing him. Of course, he is.
Eren grins and can't stop himself from aiming a kick at Levi's leg around the small table between them. The good one. He knows he'll have to choose the other one next time unless he doesn't want to be scolded.
"I'm not lazy," he complains with an easy chuckle. "I've been on a breathtaking adventure just the day before yesterday. You know…catching wild lake beasts in the woods? It was grand."
This time there's no doubt. Levi takes another sip of tea, and his eyes crinkle in a peaceful, little smile.
Delighting in the sight, Eren moves another one of his pawns and leans back in the chair, tucking up his feet. Indeed. This is more than enough.