Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy Derek would wear a dress at least once. As Patrick Dempsey rocks a dress just as much as he rocks a tux…and a towel. (if you don't know what I'm talking about ask and I shall pm you a website)

Sorry this took a bit to get up…it's that time of month, so I have cramps. And the AC in my house is broken so it's stupid hot. And Patrick Dempsey is wearing a pink dress. This all leads to my brain being very slow. But here it is finally. And I made it extra long. And gave you all some Mer/Der.

Enjoy!

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I stared at the lunch in front of me. I hated eating alone. Eating alone was for loser and freaks who watched Star Wars and played video games. It wasn't for successful neurosurgeons, with great hair and an amazing kind of girlfriend. Except for every time I turned the corner anywhere in the hospital the half sister of said amazing kind of girlfriend was waiting for me to ask me questions about said amazing girlfriend, who had apparently finally perfected the art of avoiding people.

Or so I had to believe as I had barely had a moment alone with her since the kind of kiss a week ago.

Kind of girlfriend. Kind of kiss. Far too many kind ofs in my life right now.

And I was definitely developing a kind of headache.

I took a bit of my sandwich and frowned…it sounded like someone was using a key to get into my office. Which made no sense as it was my office. And no one had the key except for me. And there was that copy I had illegally made for Meredith.

But she was avoiding.

"You're in here," she said, as soon as the door was open. Okay, apparently not avoiding. Apparently looking completely overwhelmed by something.

"It is my office, Mer," I smirked.

"I know, of course it's your office," she nodded, wringing her hands together and chewing on her bottom lip. "I just…I had my key and I didn't think you were. The door was locked and I thought. I'll go."

"No!" I protested loudly and quickly. Probably too loudly and quickly but she was here and I wasn't ready for her to leave. "It's okay. You can hide in my office too."

"I'm not hiding," she shook her head quickly, but closed the door behind her and I heard the lock click. "Why are you hiding?"

"Because you're still avoiding your sister, so she keeps finding me and asking me questions," I groaned.

"Sorry," she frowned, falling onto my couch.

"It's okay. I'm good playing on your team," I nodded. "And what are you hiding from?"

"My friends…" she sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. "They're asking questions. Because I told them about the break and then about the kiss, or whatever that was, and now there's question. So avoiding my friends."

"This office is very good for avoiding," I nodded. "Want half of my sandwich?"

"Sure," she smiled slightly, grabbing it from me.

Silence fell between us. Those were happening a lot with me lately, but it was probably a good thing. Years ago my mom told me I spent too much time talking and not enough time thinking. So silences with the two people I had messed things up with the most was probably a generally good idea. It's not like the silences seemed to be hurting. Maybe they were good.

And silence meant I could watch her.

She looked annoyed and a little stressed, but pretty cute. Well no, just absolutely totally cute. She frowned slightly as she chewed the sandwich, her eyes downcast, apparently staring at her shoes. And he had no reason to want her right now, but he did.

"What's she like?" Meredith suddenly asked, her eyes leaving her shoes and finding me.

"Who?" I asked.

"Lexie…she seems to talk to you a lot. She likes you. She wants in your pants," she shrugged.

"I think she's over that last bit," I said quickly.

"Really?"

"I made it quite clear that I'm off the market," I smiled.

"Oh…" she smiled slightly and then quickly shifted, wiping the smile from her face. "So Lexie…what is she like."

"I don't really know," I shrugged. "Most of my time spent with her is avoiding questions. She seems nice, really sweet and…innocent. Sometimes she reminds me of you, if you're life had been easier."

"She does?" Meredith breathed.

"She's like you…but bright and shiny," I smiled. I had noticed that talking to her earlier…how she talked, how she carried herself, definitely Meredith's sister. And it made my immediate attraction to her that night in the bar make sense. I had been desperate for Mer that night. And Lexie had reminded me of her.

"I…she would be," Meredith frowned. "She had the family, she had an easy life, of course she'd be bright and shiny. No one abandoned her, no one messed her up, she'd be bright and shiny and happy and innocent and everything I'm not."

"Mer…" I try to cut in.

"If…I know we're not supposed to see other people but if you want…she's me, but bright and shiny, so I'd get it, Derek," she nodded, looking at the ground again. "She's me but not scary and damaged, she's happy. You could be happy."

"Meredith…" I had to stop this tirade, this adorable ramble, but she was thinking things that definitely were far from the truth of what I was thinking.

"No, Derek, you don't have to explain," she whispered. "I get it. She's better than me, she has everything and I have nothing except a very large pile of baggage. I get it."

"Meredith Elizabeth Grey," I cut in. I never used her full name. I don't even know if she knew that I knew her full name.

"Derek…" she frowned looking at me. "What?"

"Come here…." I said, gesturing for her to come sit in my lap. And I had no idea why. But she was sitting there, talking about how someone was better than her and she looked vulnerable and broken. And when I had been little and looking like she did, my mom had always pulled me onto her lap. I was pretty sure no one had ever done that for her.

"I can't sit on your lap, Derek," she shook her head.

"Yes, you can," I nodded.

"But we're on a break," she frowned.

"Which was my idea, so I get to make the rules," I smiled. "And you can definitely sit on my lap."

She frowned again but she did move. She got off my couch and for a second I was terrified she was just going to walk out of my office, but she moved towards my desk. And fell into my lap. The familiar smell of lavender and Meredith surrounded me and I wrapped an arm around her.

"What am I sitting on your lap?" she asked quietly, melting into me.

"Because you looked like you needed to sit on someone's lap," I shrugged. "And I'm pretty sure you were about to have a nervous break down on my couch."

"I wasn't having a nervous break down," she sighed.

"Yes, you were," I nodded, kissing her head gently. "And I think you've talked enough in the last five minutes. Now it's my turn and you're going to listen."

"Why?" she whispered.

"Because someone needs to talk to you, and as the man madly in love with you…that should probably be me," I nodded, even though I wasn't one hundred percent sure what I wanted to say. It would come to me.

"Okay," she nodded, melting further into my chest.

"Meredith…" I breathed. "Lexie…she, she had everything you didn't. She got your dad and the life you were supposed to have with him. She got the supportive family and the love and everything you should have had. She had the easy life."

"Derek, this is not exactly helpful," she sighed against my chest.

"Listening, Mer, you're listening," I laughed. "I'm going somewhere with this."

"Oh…yeah…listening, I can listen," she nodded.

"You…you didn't have it easy, Mer," I whispered. "You had it far too damn hard. You didn't have a dad, you didn't really have a mom. There was no supportive family, no loving home life. You grew up with nothing."

"Derek…I had a crap life, I know. Pointing it out…not helping me feel better," she groaned.

"You're not good at the listening thing, Mer," I frowned. "I'm getting there…Mer, you had nothing. Everything you've gotten in life, you've had to do alone. Everything Lexie has…it's been a team effort."

"Yeah," she whispered, wiping a tear away, one that I didn't even know had fallen.

"And yet here you both are, in the residency program at Seattle Grace," I smiled. "You had completely different lives and you ended up in the exact same place."

"No we aren't in the same place," she shook her head quickly. "We might…we work at the same place but she's happy, she's bright and shiny and everything and me….Derek, I'm so dark and twisty I'm barely holding it all together."

"You're dark and twisty," I agreed, hugging her tightly, really tightly. "And you're strong. You had no one pushing you, no one helping you, and yet here you are. You did it, Mer. You did it alone. You had every reason to give up and you just keep going. Do you have any idea how amazing that makes you? As far as I'm concerned…you're so much better than Lexie…she can't even touch you."

"Der…I…wow," she breathed.

"You never thought of it that way?" I asked, running my fingers through her hair.

"No…I…I just did what I had to do. I didn't….I'm not strong, I just lived and did what I needed to do," she shrugged.

"That's usually called strength, Mer. Most people, in your situation, they would have given up hell of a long time ago," I whispered.

"Sometimes…I think I should, sometimes I want to," she admitted quietly. "Sometimes I don't believe in happy endings."

"That's crap."

"What?" she asked, looking at me suddenly.

"That's crap," I shrugged. "If you didn't believe in happy endings you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be sitting on my lap, listening to me. We wouldn't be on a break. You'd be done with me."

"I guess…" she whispered. "You mess me up, Derek. You…you make me happy and I don't know…it's not me, Der."

"Maybe it is," I smiled. "Maybe for the first time, it is."

"Maybe…I'm just…alone, Derek, I operate alone and now…now I have this guy that makes me sit on his lap and tells me all these good things about me and I don't know…I'm not used to this."

"I know," I nodded. "But you have me now."

"I kind of have you now," she giggled.

"You have me now," I whispered. "You completely have me now."

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to get used to this," Meredith whispered, resting her head on my shoulder again.

"Good," I sighed. "That's…it's really good."

"Can I…this is awkward, maybe but I'm…I like this, I like you and the holding I just…not move…for a bit?" she whispered.

"I'd love if you didn't move for a bit," I sighed, smiling widely at her. I had missed this, I had missed feeling her against me and smelling the lavender and her. She moved slightly, relaxing more in my arms, curling up closer to me. I had missed this, her leaning into me, finding comfort in my arms. I just missed holding her.

And I couldn't remember the last time I had.

Since the ferry boat thing…that had changed things. Holding her had become desperation, just wanting to listen to her breathe. It had stopped being about loving her, about just wanting to be there, in that moment, with her. We had lost each other in so many ways. And I hadn't even realized it, but it had definitely been killing me.

But now this, this felt right again. I was just holding her to hold her.

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I think…this talking thing, it's good," Meredith whispered.

"Yeah, it is," I sighed, hugging her closely. She was right, this talking things was good. Really good. This talking thing was going to save them.

Hold me in your arms

Just to see how it feels.

So honestly...I really don't think I can tear this one apart. It's one of those ones that I feel basically talks for itself. I think Lexie could really be used to show Meredith that she didn't need her family, that she did it alone and now she found her family in Derek. And this just kind of shows that...Derek talking to her about this, showing that she's so much stronger. And then her wanting to just stay with him, because he is who is there for her. She's not alone. So yes.

And I will update tomorrow night after work...and after ET as they have a new Paddy interview.

Read. Love. Reveiw.