Thanks everyone for the comments, and once again to anyone who is reading. Really appreciate it. Claire xox
John Paul could feel Craig moving closer and closer towards him, filling the gap between the two of them, their bodies almost touching. John Paul wanted to look away, but the way Craig held his stare, the way he's eyes looked deeply into his, still glistening with the remains of the tears he had just cried. This was wrong, so wrong. Not the feeling, the feeling of being so close to Craig again was intoxicating, and he didn't want to push him away, he admitted it. He didn't. But this wasn't right. He could still see the sadness in Craig's eyes, a sadness that he had been desperately trying to cover up by ignoring what had been happening.
John Paul felt Craig's hands move from the side of he's body and gently touched either side of John Paul's face, one softly stroking his cheek. John Paul closed his eyes, giving into the feeling. The feeling of Craig touching him, letting himself want it. Giving over to the feeling completely. But as he closed his eyes something inside of him snapped, almost as if breaking the eye contact with Craig had made him realise that this was wrong. And as he heard Craig ask the question again, ask him what he wanted, he used every ounce of will power he had to grab hold of the hands on his face and take them into his own, pulling them away, resting them between their bodies, still held together.
"Not this. I don't want this"
But he did. He really did. But the last thing Craig needed was an added complication. John Paul moved back slightly, letting go of Craig's hand. He had a girlfriend for Christ sakes. A girlfriend he loved. Who loved him. And this wasn't right. John Paul seemed to always do the wrong thing. And Craig was one of the good things to have happened in his life. He cared about him, in the short space of time they had known each other, he knew he had found a friend in Craig. He didn't want to mess it up like he did everything else that he touched. He didn't want to be another reason Craig was upset. No matter how much he might have wanted to move back towards Craig and give into to everything up until that point he had been afraid to admit. He couldn't.
"This isn't right Craig. You're upset and I... I'm not... and I'm not doing this"
John Paul had to look away. The intensity in Craig's stare was breaking him down, the pain he had clearly caused by his rejection was evident as the tears that had subsided started to fall once more.
"So you don't want this? You don't want me?"
Yes. God yes. But he couldn't. And he wouldn't. There was too much at risk. And this wasn't him. He didn't want to feel like this for Craig. He needed to keep telling himself over and over again that Craig is a friend. Nothing more, the closeness they shared is what was intensifying everything, making it seem like it meant more. What had happened had been a mistake, a drunken mistake. And this now it was just comfort between two friends. Yes thats exactly what it was. He didn't want anything more. No he didn't want him.
"No. You're my friend. And I wish there was something I could do, to make things better for you. I don't like seeing you like this..."
"Stop... lets just stop pretending that you care"
John Paul moved forwards again "I do care... its just... I'm sorry I don't feel the same as you do..."
"Why are you lying? I know you can feel the same thing I can between us. I know you can. There's something here John Paul. What are you so afraid of?"
"You're right, there is something here. But not what you want there to be. Craig... I've never been able to talk to anyone like I can you, and that means something. I can't explain why I can, but I don't need to be able to. I want us to be friends. I need us to be."
"Friends? You don't kiss friends like we did Saturday night John Paul? You don't stand with them like we are now, looking at them the way you just looked at me..."
"I'm sorry Craig."
Craig moved closer to John Paul again "Don't be sorry. Just tell me what it is that you really want?"
John Paul breathed in deeply. And finally found the courage to look back at Craig. He's eyes were wide and staring back at his with a wanting and need that made John Paul want to give into everything he had just told himself he wouldn't. But he knew he couldn't. He could never be the person Craig needed him to be, because that wasn't him. He had to believe it. He had to be the person he had always been. That made sense to him. Chloe made sense. This. This confused him and scared him, and made him want to run and hide, and the only way he could keep on doing that was to just keep believing everything that made sense to him. To cling onto those things, and ignore anything else.
"I told you. I want us to be friends."
John Paul watched as Craig moved backwards. Picking up he's bag as he did. Craig bit he's bottom lip and looked back at John Paul. John Paul felt completely at a struggle with himself, he kept telling Craig he wanted to be he's friend, so why was he doing this to him? It was him making Craig have that look in he's eye. A look that killed him. A look that he never wanted Craig to look at him with ever again. But it was too late. Again John Paul had done the wrong thing, again he was realising it all too late. As he heard the door of the classroom slam shut he finally moved away from the table almost as if it bought him back from his thoughts, it was too late now to go after Craig, it was too late to take any of it back. It was too late.
&&
Craig kept on walking, down the corridor and out the school, his feet guiding him somewhere, anywhere away from here. The anger that he felt from earlier had now subsided and was replaced with a feeling of sadness and embarrassment. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid to believe that maybe John Paul would actually admit some kind of feelings towards him. Maybe he kept pushing things too far, but he could see in John Paul's eyes that he wanted the same thing, he knew it, but every time he got close, it was like all John Paul could do was push him away.
And as he quickened his pace, the anger seemed to resurface, not at Frankie this time. But at John Paul. Why if he wanted to be Craig's friend would he treat him like this. Maybe this was just who John Paul was. After all he had witnessed what he had done to Chloe on Saturday night, he even admitted to it not being the first time he had done something like that, and he claimed to love her. Care about her. It seemed this is just something John Paul did to people he supposedly cared about.
Tom had been right. Craig shouldn't be letting himself get in this deep. Not with someone like John Paul, but he couldn't let it go. And that only made him angry with himself. His common sense was failing him, the right thing to do was walk away. To stop all of it, the friendship, everything. But nothing at all was worse, not talking to him was so much worse.
Craig finally looked up as he reached his destination, he knew he would have ended up here. It was the only place that had been in his mind as he had started walking. He looked up at the tall building. And moved towards the doors, looking for the buzzer for the right flat. No response. He rang it again, leaning his head against the door, hoping that he was there. He heard the inside door open and breathed out as he saw his best friend standing in front of him. He moved away from the door as Tom opened it.
"Craig... what you doing here? Shouldn't you be at college?"
Craig opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, he just shook his head and fell into his best friends arms. "Hey. What's wrong? What is it?"
Tom moved away from Craig and looked down at him, Craig still couldn't find the words to explain everything that had happened this morning. He just followed Tom as he was pulled into the building and up the stairs and into Tom's flat. He watched Tom move through the hall and into the lounge. Craig sat down on the sofa, as Tom went through the kitchen and started making a drink. Neither of them spoke, Craig just watched him moving quickly around, before bringing the drinks over and sitting beside him.
"Is it your Mum?"
Craig nodded and leaned back on the sofa, and turned his face to look at Tom.
"You wanna talk about it?"
Craig sighed "I don't know what to do. I've just pretended all this time that it doesn't bother me. That I didn't need her approval, her acceptance. But it's like I've been holding myself back, because honestly, its the one thing I need that I really wanted. I wanted her to tell me that she loves me and it doesn't matter, she'll love me no matter what. But she made it pretty clear this morning thats not how she feels." Craig leaned forward again resting his head in his hands. "You should have seen the way she looked at me Tom"
"Craig... I'm so sorry. I know you wanted her to accept this, but sometimes people get scare of things they don't understand and instead of trying they just do what she's doing..."
"She could talk to me though.. at least try. I can't stay there with things like this. I don't wanna live there, with all her rules and conditions, I can't live like that..."
"You know you can stay here. There's plenty of room. And Michael and Jasmine won't mind..."
"Are you sure? I don't wanna impose on you I know you..."
Tom moved closer to Craig "Of course I'm sure. Craig you're my best friend. That's what friends do"
Craig leaned into Tom again pulling him for a hug. "Thank you. I feel like you're always rescuing me" Craig pulled away and smiled slightly.
"Well seems like someone has to eh? You should really get back to college, you don't want a repeat of last year"
Craig shook his head " I can't go back there today. I already went in and I just made a complete idiot of myself with John Paul"
"Why? What happened?"
What happened? John Paul McQueen came crashing into my life thats what happened. Craig didn't know where to start. What could he say to Tom? That he had been right, the only thing this could lead to was Craig getting hurt? But when the feelings are that strong how can you stop them? You can't just deny them and hope they go away. Craig couldn't tell Tom about the kiss, about everything that had happened this morning, he already felt like an idiot enough as it is.
"Its just, you know I think he knows how I feel about him, and... he was just reiterating exactly where we stand"
"Good morning for you then huh?" Tom smiled
"Oh yeah the best."
"Look Craig, you know what I think about that and just be careful, I don't want you to get hurt"
It was too late for that. He already was. But he knew he could make sure he prevented anymore hurt. He had been too quick to let down his defences with John Paul, too quick to let him in, and it just wasn't something he did, every time he was near John Paul, he felt vulnerable like he could see right into him, and Craig realised now he had to stop allowing himself to get like that, he had spent most of his life putting up defences against everyone, and John Paul had some how managed to slip through. Well not anymore. It just meant working extra hard to keep those defences up. To not let him in.
He could treat John Paul as just a friend, as any other friend he had. Just the same as Nancy or Hannah. It was time to let it go. To stop looking at the kiss as the start of something, and see it as John Paul saw it, a mistake.