Back to Black
Lauren was looking at her younger self. She didn't know how this was possible but she knew the broken teenager she was looking at was herself. Lauren was eighteen years old. She was looking at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were blood shot red. Her face was tired. She looked frail and skinny. She stood in the bathroom in her bra and underwear looking at her body in disgust. There were scars everywhere. Most from herself. Lauren could here her younger self sniffling and saw her crying. Older Lauren felt the tears her younger self was crying streaming down her face. She felt the pain her younger self was feeling. She could feel that her younger self had given up. In this white tiled bathroom the decision was made. She would feel no more. Lauren knew what was about to happen, she had already lived through it. She wanted to stop her younger self. She wanted to go over to her younger self and tell her not to do it, tell her it would be okay, it would get better, but she didn't want to lie to herself either. She couldn't move from the spot she was in. She couldn't say anything.
Then she saw a familiar face with unmistakable eyes. Those eyes that she had just grown accustom to. Those eyes that disappeared on her. Those same pale grey eyes that could see through all her walls. Anima was standing behind the younger Lauren, invisible to her as well. Anima didn't seem to notice the older Lauren standing to the side watching everything unravel. There was desperation in Anima's eyes. Lauren heard her mumble "Not yet. Please. She will be here soon." Anima was shaking in anticipation. The younger Lauren brought the razor blade to eye level to examine its sharp teeth. She didn't want to mess this up. She wanted to do this in one shot. As she brought the razor blade closer to her arm Anima grabbed her hand to stop the motion. The younger Lauren seemed confused. She couldn't see Anima but she could feel her touch. Anima's other warm was wrapped around younger Lauren's body. Anima squeezed younger Lauren's other hand with the razor blade still in it. Their bodies were closely together. Younger Lauren closed her eyes as Anima began to whisper words into her ears.
"This is not the way Lauren." Anima began to say. Older Lauren was listening as well. "I know it all seems like shit. I know that you think it will never get better. I'm not here to tell you it ever will but this is not the way. It never is the right way." Anima's vice was shaky. Older Lauren could see the tears forming in her eyes as she watched in silence. "I get how desperately you want to be with your mother again. She was a good woman, an amazing mother, and she taught you better than this. She taught you to live and to love. Let yourself love. You have so much love in you. Please don't let it go to waste."
Younger Lauren started to sob uncontrollably. Her body started to shake. She couldn't see Anima but she felt her tight embrace. She heard the words being said to her but she didn't question any of it. It felt so right to be held the way she was being held at the moment. "How can anyone love someone like me?" younger Lauren asked this invisible force.
"How can they not?" Anima said, smiling through her tears. "You are the most loving and caring person that most will ever encounter."
Younger Lauren hung her head. She realized she was having a conversation with herself. These words being said must be from her subconscious. "No one loves me." She whispered.
Anima tightened her hold on younger Lauren, bringing their bodies closer together. Younger Lauren melted into the embrace. Anima shook her head even though younger Lauren couldn't see her. "That's not true. I love you. I love you very much." Anima whispered lovingly into younger Lauren's ears. Older Lauren's ears rang with those words. It was as if Anima was telling her the same thing. Younger Lauren began to crumble to the floor in heavy sobs. Anima lowered her gently but still held her. She wouldn't let her go. Then someone came bursting through the doors. It was a much younger Nadia. Nadia could see Lauren on the floor crying hysterically with a razor blade in her hand. Nadia's heart broke at the broken girl before her. Nadia ran to her college roommate. They weren't really friends before. They barely knew each other but Nadia was beginning to care about the shy girl. She just ran to Lauren and held her tight. Anima moved and stood over them. Nadia said nothing but held Lauren close to her. Anima and older Lauren just watched on. Lauren then noticed everything around them began to disappear until it was just her and Anima in a white space with each other.
"I remember." Lauren whispered. "I remember it all."
"I've been with you since the beginning. I've always watched over you." Anima said still looking at the spot Nadia and younger Lauren once were.
"You protected me. You saved me." Lauren said as she walked over to her friend and gently turned her around so that they were facing each other.
"And I always will." Anima said. Her eyes were glassy from the tears she shed.
"Why did you bring me here to this memory?" Lauren asked.
"I didn't bring you here. You brought me here." Anima answered.
"How?" Lauren suppressed this memory for so long that she forgot she had it until now.
"You've always wondered what it was that stopped you. You've always wondered why you didn't do it. You wanted to see for yourself where everything started to change." Anima answered looking in Lauren's eyes.
"I've suppressed that memory so long that I forgot what that pain felt like. The pain of losing my mother to cancer was to unbearable. I lost myself in my studies. The only one that could pull me back to reality was Nadia. I thought her friendliness was pity but I went along with it because I just needed someone. We became inseparable fast. We were there for each other's heart breaks and rough days. It wasn't until years later that she told me that she loved me. I just couldn't believe it but she proved it to me every day." Lauren was lost in her thoughts. Anima just listened and waited for Lauren to continue. Lauren then looked to her friend. "Was what you said true?"
Anima knew what Lauren was talking about. "Everything I said was true. I've always loved you. In every life. I just never knew it. I never knew I could." Anima began to laugh sadly. "Even though I've loved you for thousands of years I'm not even sure what kind of love it is. All I know is that I've never felt anything like this before. " Anima turned to fully face Lauren. "When you hurt I hurt. When you smile I smile."
Lauren was at a loss for words. Her mouth was agape. Anima could see her reaction and couldn't help but giggle. "Did I take your breath away?" Anima was expecting a smart remark from her friend but Lauren said nothing. Instead she engulfed the caramel skinned pale eyed girl in a tight embrace. Anima was surprised but immediately hugged her back just as tightly. It felt so right to be in each others arms. "I've missed you so much." Lauren whispered to Anima.
"I've missed you too." Anima whispered back.
"Please come back." Lauren pleaded as she stepped back from Anima but still in her embrace.
"I will. I promise. It will just take time to get everything settled with the Spiritus and in the Ether but I will come back to you." Anima said as she ran her fingers through Lauren's hair.
"I'll be waiting." Lauren said as she leaned into Anima's touch.
"Good." Anima smiled. "Now wake up."
Lauren awoke to someone bursting into the clubhouse. She had fallen asleep on the couch after Bo and Kenzi went to the Dal to meet with Trick and Dyson. They urged her to come but she was too tired to go out. She had been cleaning the clubhouse when her body gave out and she just fell asleep on the couch. A blanket was over her. It was black and purple with skulls all over it. She knew it was Kenzi's and was surprised to see that Kenzi cared enough to give her a blanket let alone one she slept with most nights. She could barely see in the darkness of the clubhouse. She only saw an outline of a woman with long black hair. "Anima." She whispered out so desperately wanting to see her friend again.
The lights then flicked on to reveal Bo in her drunken glory. "I bet you would like it if I were her very much." Bo slurred out as she stumbled her way over to Lauren. "Why don't we pretend I'm her for the night?" Bo said as she tried to sound seductive and started playing with Lauren's shirt.
Lauren has never seen Bo this drunk. As a doctor for the fae she knew it would have taken half of the bars inventory to get Bo this inebriated. Lauren slapped Bo's hands away. "You're drunk."
"You are a genius." Bo said as she tried to lift Lauren's shirt again.
Lauren slapped her hand away again. "Bo stop." Lauren said abruptly causing Bo to stop.
"I bet if I was Anima you would let me touch you." Bo began to whine then plopped down on the couch. Lauren sat down next to her. "No one wants me." Bo continued. "I am a succubus and I can't even get the one that I want."
Lauren didn't know what was going on. "Bo, what happened?" She asked gently.
"First it was Dyson, then it was you." Bo said.
"Bo I don't understand." Lauren said trying to get Bo to make a sentence that actually made sense.
"Why can't I be good enough for anyone?" Bo asked. Lauren's heart broke at the sight of the woman before her. Bo looked so broken and hurt.
Lauren cupped Bo's face. "Bo, sweetie, tell me what happened." Lauren said gently. Bo seemed to sober up a bit with Lauren's touch.
Bo nodded her head and wiped away the tears she didn't know she was shedding. "At the Dal I saw Dyson but he looked different. His aura was different, it was dull. I was so excited to see him but when he looked at me I saw nothing. Nothing of the man I've come to know and love." Lauren's heart sank. Bo continued. "He told me the day of my mother's attack he went to see the Norn to help me."
"The Norn?" Lauren asked. She knew nothing good could come out of a meeting with the Norn.
Bo recognized Lauren's look. It was the one that she had every time she would rack her brain for information. "It's as bad as it sounds." Bo said. "He was going to give her his wolf for me. He was going to give me strength to defeat my mother." Bo started to cry again. "That bitch took his love for me. Now he feels nothing for me. Nothing at all." Bo cried even more.
Lauren gasped. She knew wolves mated for life. Now that Dyson lost his love for his only mate he would start to be a shell of the man he once was. Not only that but she knew Bo had deep feelings for the man. She knew what it felt like to have a broken heart. Her heart broke every time she saw Bo and Dyson together. All she could do was be there for Bo. Lauren moved closer to Bo and held her tightly. Bo just melted in Lauren's embrace. Lauren didn't have to say anything but it was still so comforting to Bo. They stayed like that for a while. Bo ended up resting her head on Lauren's lap while Lauren ran her fingers through Bo's hair. Bo was sobering up but was still very drunk. Lauren heard Bo mumbling as she was drifting off to sleep. "What was that?" She asked Bo.
"Why don't you want me?" Bo asked as sleep started to overcome her. "Why can't I be good enough for you?"
Bo passed out right after she finished speaking. Lauren knew Bo wouldn't remember any of this in the morning. "I do want you." Lauren said. "So much. More than you even know."
AN: I am so, so, so sorry for the delay. Finals week has been horrible to me and it still isn't even over. You guys are amazing. Thanks for the push to continue this story. To JCM your prediction was very entertaining to read. I hope you like this chapter. I will try to update as soon as possible. Just bear with me. Hope to read your reviews soon. Favorite, Review and Follow.