The way that Jane slips a towel around Maura's shoulders is gentle. It says that she is scared the girl in front of her will break. The way she pulls a towel around her own shoulders is rough. It says 'be stronger Rizzoli'.
"You can get changed in here if you like," Jane's eyes are warm, like the shower, "I'll bring you some clothes."
Maura nods her assent and watches the taller girls shoulders relax, like she'd been preparing to fight Maura on this.
Jane turns, padding out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of water behind her. Maura finds it both easier and harder to breathe.
She looks down at her hands, one is smooth, the other has a deep scratch running from knuckle to wrist. She is just about to turn them over and inspect her palms when she hears Jane returning. She slides her injured hand behind her back.
"I think these should fit," Jane sits a pile of leggings and jumpers and socks just inside the bathroom door, "they're too small for me now and.." Jane's eyes are focused on the hand that is hidden behind Maura. They're hard. She closes them for a second, like she's gathering herself, and then she steps inside the bathroom.
Her voice is gentle, "Don't do that Maura. Don't hide your hurt from me. Please."
Neither of them move, Maura not wanting Jane's pity, Jane refusing to give in.
Eventually Maura allows her hand to drop by her side. Jane doesn't look at it, simply goes to the cabinet underneath the sink and pulls out a bandage. It takes her a second but Maura follows, holding out her hand for Jane to wrap.
"When I was ten I sliced my foot open on our fence. Frankie and I were playing ball and we lost it in the neighbors yard. We didn't wanna go next door and ask them to find it for us so I climbed the fence," Jane's voice is calm and steady as she wraps Maura's hand in gauze, "anyway, I got the ball but on the way back I slipped and cut my foot on a rusty nail. Hurt like hell, but my Pa'd told me once that only chicken's ask for help."
She tucks the tail end of the bandage away and steps back, nodding that she is finished.
Maura doesn't lower her hand, "What happened?"
Jane grins, "My foot got infected and Pa got slammed with a hundred dollar medical bill."
Maura smiles, "Did he ever tell you he was wrong?"
Jane shakes her head, still grinning, "Nah, because that's the other rule see, never admit you stuffed up."
Jane is clunking around downstairs like it's the first time she's ever set foot in a kitchen in her life, "Ow! Christ..."
There is the sound of a door slamming and before Maura can move Jane's feet are on the stairs, and then the landing.
"Maura? What're you doing?"
Sitting on the top step, in Jane's old clothes Maura shoves down the warmth that bubbles up every time Jane says her name. A tiny amount of panic replaces it.
"I didn't know if I was supposed to come downstairs or if you wanted me to just stay up here. And where are your parents Jane? They won't want me here I'm sure...Do you want me to go? I should leave-" Maura stands quickly, turning to head back down the hall.
"Maura!" Jane lunges up the stairs after her, gently catching the smaller girls arm, "My parents and Tommy are with Frankie on a baseball trip, they don't come back until Monday night." Maura is still, facing down the hallway, one arm caught behind her in Jane's grip, "But even if they were coming back tonight there's no way I'd want you to leave."
Maura spins around, looking for a lie in Jane's face.
She doesn't find one.
Jane's eyes are wide and so incredibly earnest that Maura melts.
"Okay?" Like a question. Like a prayer.
Maura nods her assent, "Okay."
And straight away there is an unspoken agreement that Maura will stay as long as she likes.
"You're a good cook."
Jane stops wrestling with the pile of blankets on her bedroom floor long enough to look at Maura like she's grown another head, "Maur you had burned toast. Literally burned. It was black!"
Maur. There are no words to explain how many different kinds of happy this nickname makes Maura. Even better is the fact that Jane doesn't seem to realize what she's said.
Heat rises in Maura's cheeks, "Still." I would've choked down pure charcoal if it came from your hands.
Jane continues to fight with the linen, pulling and twisting the sheets in an effort to fit them over the spare mattress. Maura watches, eyes wide and innocent at first, trying not to laugh at the way Jane bites back curses. She's not sure when she becomes mesmerized. One minute she's an observer, the next she is completely absorbed in Jane. The way her brow crinkles in frustration. The one piece of hair that consistently falls across her face. The way her arms go taught as she pulls the mattress over, slightly closer to her own bed. The way she stands, hands out, proudly presenting a made up, if slightly crinkled bed. Seconds tick by before Maura realizes both that Jane is waiting for a response from her, and that she's stopped breathing.
She sucks in a dizzy breath, "That's perfect Jane. Thank you."
If Maura wasn't severely low on oxygen already, the grin that she receives would've knocked her breathless.
The silence is comfortable. Is perfect. The kind of silence that only happens when all that two people want is to just be with one another.
Maura lies on her back in the dark, in the bed that Jane made up for her. The sheet has come un-tucked at the bottom and she doesn't care. She's taking it all in. The feeling of being completely warm. Completely full. Completely safe. She can hear Jane's breaths getting slower and slower in her own bed a few feet away. They'd talked. For hours. And then they'd stopped, each just wanting to enjoy the others company. Just as she makes up her mind to stay awake and memorize this feeling of completeness, Maura falls asleep.
Her hands are grabbing, clawing, scratching. Blood. You're bleeding. You want to call out and ask for help.
You don't have a voice.
You will die. You know that. You close your eyes. You don't care.
And then the clawing stops. She is there. She's pulled the hurt away from you and is taking it on herself. You see blow after blow fall on her previously unmarked skin. You try to move. Try and go to her. Try and stop her from feeling the pain that belongs to you, but the second that you move forward there is steel. Steel where once there was only fingernails.
Her blood is mixing with yours on the floor and suddenly she is lying there on the ground too. And she has holes in her. She looks surprised. Like she didn't know that helping you would destroy her.
You did. You knew.
And you let her do it anyway.
Who's screaming?
Maura's heart is beating so loud and fast in her ears that the universe seems to be spinning.
Why is her face wet?
She's at the Home, the Woman must be yelling, maybe she left a window open, is it raining?
Why can't she move her arms?
Quite suddenly Maura feels like she's run out of air. The screaming stops. It was her. She was screaming. Why?
And suddenly the world stops spinning at a million miles a minute.
She's not at the Home. She's at J..
Oh God.
The reason that Maura cannot move her arms is because Jane Rizzoli is wrapped around her middle. Black curls tickle Maura's neck, but they're sticky, like Jane has been crying and pressed her face into Maura's back.
Dimly Maura registers that her own face is wet too. And her throat is raw, from screaming. Opening her eyes Maura can see nothing at first. But as her eyes adjust to the darkness she can see that the bed she is sleeping in has been completely ruined. The sheets are bunched at the foot of the bed in a rough pile. Liked someone kicked and tore at them. Maura is shaking from the cold.
No.
With a sharp intake of breath Maura realizes that she is not the one shaking. Jane is. Jane who has her arms wrapped around Maura from behind as though trying to hold her down. As though trying to hold her together.
Maura is panic and humiliation rolled into one. She wants to run. But the arms around her waist stop her from moving. She knows that Jane won't want her around after this, and she opens her mouth shakily to say that she will get her things and go.
That is not what comes out.
"I am not a person that other people care about. I know that."
There is a moment that every child has when they climb onto the highest diving board at the pool. A moment of hesitation. A moment when they decide to either jump, or turn around. Her whole life Maura has turned around.
Today she jumps.
"I've been in homes and orphanages my whole life. My father is a horrible person, and even he didn't want me. I don't know my mother's name, but I guess she didn't want me either."
Arms tighten around Maura's waist.
"I grew up completely alone. I can remember um- talking to myself, when I was little, repeating words I'd heard the older kids in the home say, trying to learn. No one had a lot of time for me."
Maura works hard to correct the wobble creeping into her voice.
"When I was five I went to live with a couple. They might have adopted me, well, I think they thought they were going to- in the beginning- but I wasn't- I mean I'm not sure if I wasn't good enough or if they wanted a louder child, one that played outside with other kids- but they, they didn't love me, and I went back into a home."
Tears are streaming down her cheeks now.
"That was okay though, I was alright. I got to keep the uh- the teddy that they gave me."
The damp patch on her back seems to get wetter.
"Then when I was seven I went to live with another couple. I lasted longer there, I think they thought I would open up eventually, become more like a normal kid, but I didn't. She told me we were going to go shopping. We did I guess. She bought me a new coat and asked me to wait for her out the front of the police station. So I did, for three hours. And then I went to the front desk and to ask if she'd called for me. She hadn't."
Maura doesn't know if it her or Jane who is shaking anymore.
"And so I went back. And I suppose I've been at the Home ever since then."
The black weighs in on Maura like it is a physical thing. Her chest becomes tight, and in the darkness colors swirl before her eyes. The room is silent. Maura isn't sure if Jane has responded to her speech or not. She is completely still. Maura can't even hear her breathing, and so she whispers into the darkness.
"So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am not a person who can be loved. "
Jane chokes, like someone hit her hard in the stomach and all the air was forced from her body. The arms around Maura's waist pull her over, rolling her so she faces into Jane rather than away.
Warm air hits Maura's forehead, "Don't you ever say that again."
Relief floods Maura's body until she feels like she's overflowing. For the first time since she woke up she can breathe again. Only for a second.
Maura's inhale catches in her chest and her heart beats dangerously fast. She is in a bed, in the dark, wrapped around Jane Rizzoli.
Jane seems to realize this too, arms becoming slightly stiffer around Maura's back.
Maura's thoughts have been plunged into a blender and she can't see or hear but she takes the chance. Pressing her eyes closed she bends her neck, resting her temple gently against Jane's chest. She is ready to pull away in less than a second if this is too much.
But Jane relaxes, sighing and molding herself around Maura like they were made to fit one another.
Maybe they were.
A/N: I'm back! Sorry this has taken me so long to get out guys, sometimes life rudely gets in the way of my writing. I would like to thank everyone who sent a message gently 'reminding' me that I was writing this story, it's nice to know people are invested!
Thanks so much to everyone who reads, extra thanks to those who let me know their thoughts, you all make me smile! (btw sorry I haven't replied to the last lot of reviews - MASSIVE thanks to you all).
If you're still reading this story don;t hesitate to let me know what you think/feel, I love hearing from you all.
:D D.G.I.K.