It was raining
It was raining. As per usual. But Izzie wanted today to be perfect. She was going back to work today and Hannah; well it was Hannah's first day at school. She got u p early and made waffles. Twenty minutes late Meredith showed up looking exhausted and grabbed a cup of coffee.
"Hey, Iz, feeling okay?"
"Yeah, just a little nervous."
"Don't worry, you'll do okay and Hannah has nothing to worry about. But Iz?"
"Uh huh."
"You know how we're all picking specialties?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Well what are you going to pick? I mean you obviously don't have your heart set on any one thing, unless cardio. . . but Christina might kill you."
"Yeah," said Izzie laughing, "I was um thinking I would try doing what Addison did you know the OBGYN stuff."
"Of course," said Meredith looking relieved, "I should have thought of that, your perfect, but then who's the attending?"
"I don't know, actually I haven't done any of that stuff since Addison left."
"Well bailey will sort it out, what hours are you working anyway?"
"Um, today just from nine till two thirty 'because I want to be able to pick up Hannah and then I'm mostly working during yours and Alex's time off, but I think I'm definitely taking Saturday's off," said Izzie slyly.
"I see how it is."
'Well you did offer to help," said Izzie defensively.
"I'm joking Izzie, I like Hannah a lot and besides, I'm sure you could call in Lexie for a spot of babysitting."
Just then Hannah appeared at the door to the kitchen in her pajamas.
"Um, Izzie or Meredith, could you maybe come help me choose something to wear?"
Izzie, looked at Meredith, "Okay, um I can't really leave this with Meredith."
"Yes, you can Izzie, I'm okay, I can cook waffles."
"Yeah," said Izzie, sarcastically, "and I can fly to the moon. No you go help Hannah.
Meredith gave her a look.
"Seriously its fine, at least you have some sense of style, at least its not Christina."
"Okay then Hannah, lets seen what we can do."
Up in Hannah's room Meredith was sorting through the new clothes folded in Hannah's dresser.
"Okay, you'll want something warm today, because it looks quite cool. How about this," she said holding out a pinky red sweater top.
She looked around to see that Hannah was crying. Silent tears dripping down her cheeks as she stood helplessly on in the middle of the floor.
"Hey," said Meredith, coming over and hugging her, pulling her into a cuddle on the bed, "what's wrong, Hannah, hey, its okay come on its okay."
"I just- I just- I don't want to forget them." She sobbed, "I can't I'm not ready-"
"You're not ready to move on," said Meredith and Hannah nodded on her shoulder, "and you shouldn't be, you only lost you parents three days ago. You don't- can't move on that fast. And Izzie knows that, she isn't trying to push you."
"I- I know, I just don't want to be the sc- scary damaged kid."
"Hannah," said Meredith, "I have been the scary damaged kid for like forever, trust me you are nothing like me. You're happy, and pretty, and you smile all the time. And even if you are damaged, it isn't that bad."
Hannah, nodded but kept crying, Meredith tried desperately to calm her but with no success. Eventually Izzie, came rushing up and found them sitting on the bed.
"Mer are you two ready we-"
Izzie stopped short and rushed over to Hannah and Meredith, gently she took Hannah from Meredith arms and held her tight rocking her back and forth. Meredith quietly left the room.
"Hannah, Hannah, its okay, tell me what's wrong, its okay Hannah," she said softly.
"I- I don't want to- to- you can't replace them."
Izzie leaned back in for a moment then held her tighter, "I know Hannah, I know, do you think that's what I'm trying to do? I'm just trying to make this work. I could never be your parents, they are special, special people and you are never going to replace them, certainly not with me."
"But- but when I came downstairs this morning, it felt so- so- normal," Hannah sobbed, "and its not supposed to be ike that, not yet, not like that."
"Oh, Hannah," sighed Izzie, "You aren't doing anything wrong, your not betraying your parents, you are doing exactly what they would have wanted, you are allowing yourself to gradually move on, to live and be happy. This isn't bad, or betrayal, this is good."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Hannah, I'm 100 percent sure. Okay?"
"O-okay."
"All right then, lets get you ready for school."
Hannah, pulled on jeans and the sweater Meredith had pulled out and grabbing Izzie's hand the tow headed downstairs. Izzie blinked furiously as they made there way down, holding back tears. At the bottom of the stairs they were met by Meredith.
"You two better eat you need to- Iz, are you okay?"
"Yeah- I- um just need to fix my hair."
"Okay um Hannah, why don't you go eat."
Hannah and Meredith went into the kitchen while Izzie ran quickly upstairs, Meredith checked that Hannah was okay and then followed her. She found Izzie slumped against the bathtub tears streaming down her face.
"Iz, are you- are you alright?"
"What am I doing Meredith?" Izzie asked desperately.
"What the hell am I doing? I thought I was going to be a good mother I really did. I thought I would be great, but I can't do it Meredith – I- I can't do i-i-t," sobbed Izzie.
"You can Izzie, you can, you are a great mother, you are five hundred percent better than mine and- I- didn't even know what good mothers were until I met you. You can do this, you are not alone."