Know Thyself

Chapter Thirteen

The drive to work had seemed to fly by. I hadn't even bothered turning on the radio in the car as I drove; my own thoughts had kept me plenty entertained. Once I had shut the car door and got myself buckled in, it had hit me hard that I was alone for the first time since I had woken up today. No fairy guardian, no roommates, just little ol' me. So I had a few minutes to think and get my head together. There was a lot to take in - my relationship with Eric (as yet undefined but certainly changed) the problem with Victor and what he may or may not decide to do with me. (kill me, bite me, ignore me) the peculiar conversations with both Claudine and Amelia, in which both gave me new insights and information, but in the process also opened up a whole new realm of questions. I had been thinking on some of those things as I pulled into Merlotte's and got ready to start my shift.

Overall, I had a lot to chew on, some very, very big and important things. But try as I might, I couldn't stop my mind from going back, time and again, to the Sheriff of Area Five. I kept remembering how wonderful he felt against my bare skin, how beautiful his eyes looked when we were in the middle of our lovemaking. I was trying not to think about him, I was trying hard, but I was failing. I was having trouble concentrating on the simplest of tasks tonight. Twice I had brought the wrong order to the wrong table and I had even managed to spill a beer on the lap of a college girl that was on her first date with a guy she really liked (Got that from her head, also got her stream of unspoken obscenities). After a few hours of various scatterbrained antics on my part, Sam told me to take a break and I didn't argue. He kept looking at me, and I think he knew something was up, but bless him, he didn't ask. We hadn't been alone at all, though, so maybe he was just waiting for a better time to approach me. I wasn't sure what I would tell him. Sam was my friend and I didn't want to lie, but some things are just simply better left unsaid. (I should have heeded that advice last night and saved myself a truckload of trouble)

And that brought me here, taking a break out back of Merlotte's. It was chilly, but not so bad as last night. The snow was still around. There was just a little accumulation, but it was enough to keep most people at home. I frowned. My tips would be minimal.

I stood outside in the brisk air, hands in my coat pockets, and stared out into the sky. The sun was just about to set, and I felt a warmth stir in my heart. Eric would be rising any minute now. He told me I would be the first thought he had when he woke, and I hoped that was more than just an idle and meaningless whispering. I stood there a bit longer than I really should have as I waited for the last rays of the day to fade away. Just as dark descended I closed my eyes, pictured Eric's face and smiled. I would like to think he was doing the same thing about me at the same moment.

I forced myself to calm down, reminded myself I had customers that were paying for attentive service, and I walked back inside. I shrugged off my coat and plastered my best smile on my face and went back to work. Sam touched my arm as I walked past him and I turned to him.

"You okay?" he asked me quietly.

"I'm great, Sam. Just have some things on my mind. I'm sorry about that mess with the beer." Sam had waived the bill for that girl and her date.

My boss just smiled, but there was concern in his eyes. "I'm not worried about that, I'm worried about you."

That made two of us. But Sam didn't need my drama.

"I'm fine, really." Any further conversation was halted as I heard my name being called. I winked at my boss. "I need to check my tables."

The next several hours were typical blur of beer and baskets and busing. About eight thirty or so the door opened and I was only a little surprised to see Bill walk in. But the vampire he walked in with was a definite shock. I recognized him immediately as Russell Edgington, King of Mississippi and he was sporting a full length coat and hat and carrying what looked like a briefcase. The two vampires sat down in my section and I headed over, hoping I didn't look as confused as I felt seeing those two together.

Bill acknowledged me with the slightest of smiles and a nod, but the King stood up and favored me with a huge grin and a flourishy little bow.

"Ah, Miss Stackhouse, it's wonderful to see you again." He was playing the southern gentleman, again. It was hokey, but somehow it suited him. I inclined my head respectfully.

"It's nice to see you, too Mr. Edgington. I'm real surprised to see you here in Bon Temps."

The king laughed and sat back down. "I was in New Orleans to meet some business associates and I decided to take a quick stop to come see Bill."

I looked at Bill but his face gave away nothing and I was at a loss. The situation was just altogether weird. Bill had been tortured at Russell's compound, Russell had allowed said torture, and I had broken in and killed the torturer and dumped her in his pool.

And everybody is okay with that...? It appeared so.

Well, alrighty then.

"So what I get for you gentlemen this evening?" I asked pleasantly. Bill ordered a bottle of O positive (he still orders my blood type, which I thought was kinda sweet in a creepy way) and Russell opted for A negative. I did a quick check of my other tables then went to heat up the blood.

"Who is that with Bill?" Sam asked me and I told him. He didn't look too happy, but I could hardly blame him. The last time a vampire king was in town Sam had been bound to the back of his own truck in the parking lot of his own bar with prospects of being killed.

"Don't worry," I assured him. "I don't think they will be staying long."

My boss didn't look convinced, and of course I really had no idea how long the vampires would be here. I was only guessing, but as it turned out I'd been right. When I was on my way back to their table I saw Bill get up and head for the door, a phone at his ear. I looked after him for just a minute before sitting the blood on the table for Russell.

"Bill had to take a call," the King told me, even though I hadn't asked. He was looking at me with a strange expression, almost confused, like he was trying to figure out a puzzle. I just smiled.

"Are you staying in Louisiana long?" I asked, trying to sound casual. Russell took a swig of the blood and then shook his head.

"No. As a matter of fact I'm heading back home as soon in as I finish up my business with Bill. I went to Shreveport to pay a visit to your Sheriff last night, but I'm afraid I missed him."

"Oh." I couldn't think of another thing to say. I knew my cheeks were turning red. Russell's eyes widened a bit at my reaction and he leaned forward slightly.

"Bill is going to be doing some work for me," he explained, though once again I hadn't asked. It was very odd to have a vampire, especially a vampire king, volunteer information like this. I wondered if maybe being an old married man now had softened him. Russell continued. "I needed some help with a new computer system I'm setting up and Felipe' was gracious enough to let me hire Bill." I wondered how big a cut of Bill's money Felipe' would be graciously accepting.

I grinned my crazy grin. Russell was still looking at me with that confused expression. "Well, that's just great. Bill knows his stuff."

"I'm glad you think so," said that unmistakable cool voice. My former boyfriend had slipped back in and was standing right at my shoulder. I hesitated, then moved aside a little bit so Bill could slide back in his seat. Russell placed the briefcase on the table and snapped open the latches. That was my cue to leave.

"Let me know if y'all need a refill."

I hustled away after that, only returning to their table a couple times to check up on their drinks. The two vampires were all business now, hunkered down over some paperwork, and talking in voices so low no human could possibly hear a word. They finished up whatever they were discussing after about an hour or so and Russell came to find me just before he departed.

"It was a pleasure, Miss Stackhouse," he told me in his southern drawl. "I hope to see you again sometime. And please do give my regards to Eric."

I flushed. I wondered if my thing with Eric had been broadcast on KDED. I wouldn't put it past Pam.

"Yes sir," I said with a smile "I will do that, if I see him." I put an emphasis on the if. "And it was nice to see you, too."

The King of Mississippi smiled gently, gave a little nod and headed for the door. Bill remained parked at the table, I noticed. I did another round at my tables then wandered over to him.

"That was a little weird," I said as quietly as I could. Bill nodded but his eyes didn't touch my face. I looked down and saw he was staring at the silver bracelets on my wrist. Crap.

"Sookie," he said, raising his gaze "I spoke to Pam, she relayed a message from Eric. He would like me to escort you home tonight when you get off work."

Double crap. Bill's face was calm, but I knew him well enough to know he wasn't happy.

"I don't know what's going on, Sookie," he continued, "And I'm guessing you're going to tell me it's nothing and not to worry."

That was, actually, exactly what I was planning to tell him.

"I don't know what's going on either, Bill," I told him and that was pretty close to the truth. I hadn't heard a peep from Eric tonight so I had no clue what, if anything, he had discovered concerning Victor. I looked around and saw one of the regulars hold up an empty glass. "I got to get back to work. You really don't have to hang around here all night. I'm sure I'll be fine."

Bill sat back purposefully and his face locked down. "Yes, I really do have to hang around here. And I will see you home."

There was no arguing when Bill got that look, so I just nodded and hurried over to tend my other customers. I was having more and more difficulty maintaining my perky waitress routine as the night wore on. At some point Bill left, but I knew he was probably just outside in his car waiting for me. I felt terrible about the situation with my ex. I had a feeling that Bill knew Eric had stayed at my house last night. Bill swore he still wanted to be with me, so that had to have cut deep. And despite our history, I felt for him. I hated remembering how that awful Selah would sometimes answer the phone at Bill's house when I called at night. And how much more would it have sucked if I had to work for and take orders from Selah? The thought made me shudder. The whole situation must be eating Bill up from the inside out. I just hated that.

The rest of my night went by slowly, but finally the last person left and Sam locked up the front door. We talked some while we cleaned up and re-stocked, but I wasn't really in the chit-chatty mood. Sam picked up on that and didn't try to force conversation. That was one of the things I really liked about my boss. I could always be myself around Sam, I never felt like I had to justify myself or my moods to him. Most of the time, at least.

I was right about the tips, too. Even after I added in my hourly waitress salary I barely made minimum wage tonight. And I wouldn't have made that if not for Russell tipping me a twenty. I hoped the snow melted soon.

When the last salt shaker was topped off and all the napkin holders had been filled, I trudged back to Sam's office and grabbed my coat and purse. I hollered out to Sam to let him know I was leaving and went outside to find Bill leaning against my car. I looked around.

"Where's your car?" I asked.

"Russell's driver brought us here tonight."

Oh, just great. "You should've stayed inside. It's too cold to just stand out here."

Bill dismissed my admonition with a wave of his hand. "It's fine. Would you like me to drive?"

I knew he wasn't asking to drive because he was male, he was just showing consideration for me since I'd been on my feet all night. I knew it would make him happy, so I handed over my keys. It's always a little weird to ride in the passenger seat of your own car, isn't it?

We drove in silence for several minutes. I looked over at Bill and he was softly glowing, as always. His profile was handsome, his hair was neatly combed, as always. So much about him would never change, I thought to myself. I had a sudden mental image of Bill standing in the Bon Temps cemetery between our homes, looking just as he does now, gazing at a headstone with my name inscribed. I felt suddenly sad, but not for myself.

He must have sensed me staring at him, and he turned to me. It was only briefly, but long enough for those dark eyes to open up the floodgate and I found I couldn't not talk to him.

"I want to thank you again for what you did for me last night," I told him. I had no idea what I was expecting him to say. I wasn't even sure what I wanted him to say. I just knew that I wanted to make things right between us, or at least as right as things could be under the circumstances. Was it closure I was needing here maybe? I had never had an ex-boyfriend, not like Bill. I was in uncharted territory.

He was quiet for a bit before he finally spoke. "I didn't really do anything."

"You stayed with me," I insisted.

"Eric stayed longer."

Ouch.

I closed my eyes, then turned to look out the side window. I didn't respond. The silence dragged.

"I'm sorry," Bill said at last. "That was unfair."

Yes, it was, but it was also accurate. Any doubts I had about Bill knowing exactly when Eric had left my house vanished. I remember seeing Selah's car driving away from Bill's house a few times in the early morning hours and it burned me. We had been broken up for a while at that point (and I had been the one to do the breaking) My head knew it was ridiculous to be jealous but my heart never got the memo.

"I saw you," Bill continued, his voice quiet and even. I turned to look at him, confused. He glanced at me. "Last night when you were outside in the snow. I saw you."

I cringed and was grateful it was dark inside the car so Bill couldn't see my face turn red. Emotional or not, taking off after Eric like that had not been one of my brighter moments.

"I also saw Eric come and get you," Bill continued. I sighed. Could this get any worse?

"I'm sorry you had to see that," I told him. We were turning onto my driveway now and the car rumbled loudly through the gravel. Bill stopped the car in my usual spot, put the gear in park and turned off the lights, but left the motor running. For the heater, I assumed. He turned to me as much as he could in the small car.

"I'm glad I saw what I did," he began, and his voice was strong. "I was coming to find you. I've had your blood and you mine. I knew you were in pain, and it wasn't just from the cold. And when I saw Eric pick you up to take you home, I knew..." he paused, seemed to take an unnecessary breath to gather himself. "I knew how you felt about him."

This was a pretty big detour from the conversation I was expecting to have, but it wasn't as strange or awkward as I would have anticipated. I had softened toward Bill over the past several months, starting the night of the takeover. I had no desire to cause him pain, and I most certainly had no intentions of flaunting another man in his face, especially Eric. The little anti-Bill voice in my head was chattering, reminding me of all the times Bill had brought Selah into Merlotte's while I was working, but I ignored it.

"I never wanted to hurt you," I told him.

"And I never wanted to hurt you," he said. "But I did. And there is not a night that passes that I don't regret that."

I shook my head, not wanting yet another repeat performance of his apology and my dismissal of said apology. "I know," I said simply.

"Do you, Sookie?" he pressed. "Do you truly know how very sorry I am?"

I should have just let it go. I should have just gotten out of the car and walked into the house, but I didn't. If closure was in fact what I was after, I might as well just lay it all on the table. That was my reasoning, anyway.

"I do believe you," I said, and I held up a hand so he knew I wasn't finished yet. "And I understand - sort of - why you had to come here when the Queen ordered it. I know more about the politics in your world now, and I get that you didn't really have a choice. I even understand why you had to go to Lorena when she wanted you." I thought back to how Eric had called me, the incredible power it held and I shivered. Bill's face was almost hopeful, and I hated to dash it. "But you told me you loved me..."

Bill interrupted me. "I do love you."

I stared at him. I was getting side-tracked, but I decided to follow it. "And when, exactly, did you decide you loved me?"

Bill couldn't have looked more pained. He didn't want to go down this path, that much was clear.

"I knew the first night I met you that you were different," he answered.

I shook my head. "That isn't the same as loving me." I steadied myself, not really wanting to ask my next question. "How about the first night we slept together?"

Bill's expression changed, and his eyes softened. He reached over tentatively and touched my cheek with the back of the fingers. "Oh, Sookie. I wish you would have told me," he whispered.

I lowered my head and pulled away from his touch. "I'll take that as a no."

"It wasn't long after that I knew I loved you," he said softly.

I barked out an unamused laugh. "That's great. It's nice to know I gave up my virginity to a guy that almost loved me." My voice was quivering and I hoped I didn't cry. I had suspected this, of course, but hearing it was not fun.

"You have no idea how it's tormented me, Sookie," Bill said. "I would give everything I have to change what happened between us."

I made an erase movement with my hand, and took a breath. "Alright, forget about that for now. What I really want to know, what I don't understand, is that if you really did come to love me as you claim - whenever it happened - why didn't you tell me about the Queen's orders? How could you look me in the face every day and not tell me if you honestly did love me?"

Bill looked away. "I couldn't."

"I deserved to know."

Bill looked back. "Yes, you did. I almost told you so many times, but I knew you wouldn't understand and I didn't want to lose you. I was a fool, and I was a coward." A sad smile appeared on his face. "But Eric is not."

My eyes went wide.

"When I saw him take you away last night, I knew he would share your bed. When I realized how you felt about him, I knew he would be in your heart. I can't tell you how it felt, seeing him holding you, knowing he had found what I had lost. But I had no anger in me, not toward you or Eric. My only thought was I hoped he could find a way to love you as you deserve." Bill stopped and his eyes looked far away for a moment. "I know it's too late for us. I've accepted that. I do hope that one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I know we can't go back, but I want to have you in my life, as much or as little as you desire."

I closed my eyes and leaned back heavily against the seat. Sitting here with Bill, listening to his cool voice and hearing the words he was speaking, I found I had no desire to hold onto my anger. I just didn't have it in me anymore. I knew I would never forget what Bill had done, but I began to think that maybe I didn't need to forget in order to forgive. Maybe I needed to remember it all and just...let it go. As I considered that, a wave of peacefulness swept through me and I suddenly felt about ten pounds lighter. I smiled, rolled my head on the seat to look at my first love.

"You could have lied, you know," I said and Bill looked at me, confused. "When I asked you if you loved me that first time we were together, you could have lied."

"Yes, and I very nearly did. I didn't want to hurt you. But what I truly wish is that I could have told you yes, and had it be the truth."

"I'll take a hard truth over an easy lie any day," I stated, then I looked at Bill, stared into his dark eyes. "I forgive you," I told him and I swear as soon as I said the words I felt like I could actually breathe a little easier. "This is really new to me so I'm not sure what happens now. Is this the part where we say we'll be friends?"

Bill smiled a bit, and it touched his eyes this time. "This is the part when I thank you, and tell you I will never betray your trust again."

We sat there for a minute or so, not talking, and just as it was getting a bit awkward, I glanced at the clock on the dash and Bill took the hint. He turned off the engine and handed me my keys.

"I'll be close if you need me," he said, his tone heavy.

"Thanks. I'm sorry you're stuck on baby-sitting detail tonight," I said. I was trying to joke with him but he didn't look happy.

"I wish I knew what was going on," he told me, and there was some bite behind the words.

I didn't blame him a bit. It's no fun being out of the loop, but the less he knew about my situation the safer he would be, so I just nodded and reached for the door.

"Sookie," he whispered, and I froze. I recognized the emotion behind his voice immediately. I knew I shouldn't turn back to him, but I did. He was leaned over toward me so when I turned my head we were just inches apart. He raised one hand and pulled me to him and I didn't resist. Our lips touched, just for a moment or two, gently. A wave of memories flooded into me and they weren't sad, or passionate or angry. They were just memories.

We pulled back at the same moment, looked at each other. Something was changed between us, and we both felt it.

"Good bye, Bill." I smiled a little.

"Good bye, Sookie," he responded quietly.

We got out of my car and I headed up the steps to the back door. I didn't turn around to look, but I knew Bill was watching me to make sure I got inside okay.

The house was dark and quiet, as expected. Octavia usually turned in early, and Amelia was rarely up past midnight unless she had a date. I shrugged off my coat and tiptoed down the hall to my bedroom. I changed into pajamas and took off all the silver jewelry I had worn but, thankfully, had not needed. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and took my phone out of my purse to charge it.

I noticed I had a missed call from Fangtasia and the little voicemail symbol on the phone was flashing. I smiled. I hadn't expected to hear from Eric tonight, but I'd been hoping. I didn't want to make assumptions and Eric and I hadn't really talked much about the specifics of our relationship (other than admitting we shared feelings for one another.) I didn't expect he would start calling me every day and taking me out every weekend. Eric wasn't a typical guy so I wasn't expecting to have a typical relationship with him and I was fine with that, for now.

I snuggled down into the covers and said my prayers, then I picked up my cell phone and punched in the code for voicemail retrieval.

You have one new message, the electronic voice informed me. Then I heard Eric's voice and I couldn't help but smile. He must have been calling from his office; I could hear the music from the bar muted in the background. It's pretty hard to sound sexy on a cell phone recording, but somehow Eric managed it.

"Hello, lover. You are at work, and if my information is correct the shifter's bar is enjoying the patronage of a certain king. You will tell him I'm terribly disappointed that I missed his visit last night, won't you?

The way he said it made it clear he was anything but terribly disappointed.

I'm looking into a few things here in Shreveport and I will call you as time allows. Sleep well tonight in safety and dream of me.

Ha! I was already planning on it. I flipped off the phone and put it back on the nightstand. Eric's message was a cryptic mix of innuendo, which was just pure Eric. What I heard was that Eric was on top of things in Shreveport, and Bill was standing watch here. Plus, I was in a house warded by two witches so I was feeling pretty cozy as I flipped over my pillow and closed my eyes.

I slept well.

-

To be continued

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