Chapter 13:

TRIS POV:

I struggle falling asleep that night, the pull of the demons dragging me to my nightmares frightens me too much. Trying not to let my nightmares come in the way of my life is difficult when all they are are memories. Horrible memories of the past, my old friends and Tobias. That night I stay awake, my mind sifting through all the words and secrets I've told Tobias.

I lied to him a few nights ago, I lied about my anorexia, but he doesn't seem to know the true fact of the eating disorder. Yes, sure in his eyes I may be skinny but in mine, my body doesn't work. I'm not the skinny model on the TV with the big boobs or big butt. I know that that is what most teenage boys desire, and I'm none of those qualities.

As I decide to get up, I let my feet lead their way out of my room, and soon enough I standing outside the door to my fathers office, my mind obviously knowing how much I miss him. Though it is almost a full room, my father neglects it, never putting it to use, so when I see the computers screen shining through the almost all glass door, I'm in shock.

The shock quickly fades as I see the back of the persons head, along with their tall body peaking out from the large chair. It isn't hard to guess that that person is Tobias, and I'm forced to squint my eyes to be able to see the computer screen through the foggy glass.

My breath quickly picks up, my lungs working overdrive, as a picture of a skinny girl appears on the screen. A long article is listed next to the picture, the title Anorexia strikes again. My mind goes blank. Why is Tobias looking at this stuff? I told him I was fine.

After a few minutes of heavy breathing and focusing the best I could on the small letters, I give up on trying to read through the glass. Before I have a chance to turn the knob, Tobias moves. He hunches over, his elbows resting on the desk that the computers on, his hands meet his face, rubbing it as he keeps his face covered. He's in distress.

I take this time to slowly open the door, the click of the knob making Tobias jump, swiveling the chair around to face my direction. His face is full of anguish as his eyes meet mine, though he makes no attempt to cover the computer screen. He doesn't speak, and nor do I as I approach the screen leaning in to read the article, Tobias watching me.

The article reads:

Anorexia took another victim to the grave. Claire Minly, a 17 year old senior in High School died in a hospital after she was put there by her concerned boyfriend. He told us generously, "I knew she had been acting different, and when I asked her, she was open about her eating disorder. She had told me the truth of all her life and how she wanted to change herself from the fat girl to the skinny one."

After a long conversation with Ms. Minly's devastated parents (who kindly asked not to be quoted) they offered us to go and see what Ms. Minly left behind in her room for all to read. Her diary was lying on top of her bed, in plain sight for everyone to read. Ms. Minly's parents allowed us to read this diary, also excepting a part of it be put in this article. "From when I first decided I wasn't skinny enough to now, I know that this probably wasn't the best idea. In the past few months I've lost another six pounds, now weighing me in at 78lbs. For a girl 5 feet, my boyfriend thinks I'm losing my mind trying to lose all this weight but as much as he tries to help me, I know what I want." Ms. Minly had wrote, just weeks before her passing.

In another finding in the diary, we read, "Today I looked in the mirror finding the same old girl. The one with the fat hanging from her belly. I will admit that I lost my mind, screaming into the mirror at my own reflection, knowing that the past few weeks I had skipped breakfast and lunch. I don't understand why I'm not losing weight, the hunger is starting to hurt."

What Ms. Minly didn't know is that anorexia doesn't always mean you are skinny. Though many people believe, and match, anorexia with being thin, the actual definition does not state that. The true definition below:

Anorexia: A lack or loss of appetite for food (as a medical condition). An emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

Ms. Minly's family and boyfriend pray that this article about their lost one, helps girls and boys with the same condition. If you are a loved one of someone you know who is anorexic call the hotline below.

I don't bother to read the hotline number, my mind going crazy at the thought of how much the girl is like me. She even had a boyfriend who tried to help her but failed, and I can only imagine the pain Tobias feels.

I slowly turn my head to look at Tobias, his eyes seem to be glassy, filled with silent tears ready to spill out of his eyes, and fall down his face. I know I should say something, anything, but I can't seem to find words, his eyes pulling me into my own sorrow.

"Tris. . ." he speaks, his voice shaky and I know he is trying to swallow his tears, "I need to know. . ."

"Know what Tobias? I'm going to be fine!" My voice comes out sharp, harsher than anticipated. His eyebrows furrow in confusion, and he opens his mouth like he's going to say something but fails. I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry, okay? You don't understand what I'm feeling."

"I know I don't but you have no idea how many times I wish I did. I wish I could just take all your sorrow, and burden it on me instead of you. You don't have a clue how many times I think about how if I had just stayed with you, and not moved away, maybe things would be different. Maybe you would be doing a lot better then you are now. It was mostly my fault...So, yes you're correct, I don't know what you're feeling. But you don't know what I'm feeling like either." He states, his voice wavering a little from his emotions.

I dont have any words to say back my mind not working with my mouth, my body frozen. All the things I've said are completely and utterly selfish. Tobias has a hard time at home, then he comes here, trying to get his girlfriend to eat something, and to save her from herself...and he's still struggling. Not only have I put a burden on myself but on the ones around me too.

The people from school.

My brother.

My Dad.

My Mom.

And most of all Tobias.

I've brought so much emotional pain that the strongest people I know are breaking down right in front of me...because of me. Tobias almost never cries, when we were little, most of the times he cried - which was twice a year - would be because Marcus beat him to hard. Now the past few times I've seen him cry, or tear up, is because of me, and my own issues.

He shouldn't be with me. I'm a burden. He should not be with me. There is no other way to describe it. I love him, and care for him...and I know he would be better off if I had never meet him. We shouldn't be together.

I can feel the tears building up begin to roll down my cheeks as I pick my eyes up from the ground to look back at him. His own tears seem to be barricaded off by his bottom eye lid, though they seem close to spilling.

"Get out." I whisper quietly, my lips barely separating to say the words.

His eyes become even more sad ridden, then he speaks almost as quiet as me, "What?"

"Get out," I whisper a little stronger, my words more vocal, "I want you to get out of my house."

"I-I don't understand…" He trails off, staring at me with his large mysterious blue eyes.

"I need you to get out now...I can't do this anymore…," I take a deep breath, trying to keep from biting my lower lip, "I can't do us anymore."

I can't help but notice the silent tears that now travel along his face, and after a moment he stumbles a little to get up. He never takes his eyes off mine when he slowly walks out the room, me staying right where I am.

My body refuses to move, my muscles and bones feel fused together, making me immobile. I still don't move when I listen to his car engine start, and I don't move when I can't hear it anymore. I'm stuck in this position, my mind not fully comprehending what I just did.

I stay in this spot the rest of the night, and by the morning my eyes are tired and my feet are burning from the weight of my body. The only reason I now become aware of my surroundings is because, of all people, my father walks into the room. His face is worried and as he see's my bloodshot eyes, and my puffy cheeks, the worry doesn't seem to die down.

"Oh my goodness. Beatrice what are you doing in here, I've been searching for you all morning." My father states coming towards me and pulling me into him. "I was supposed to leave for work hours ago but your mom and I were worried so I stayed back. I even tried to find Tobias...why is he no longer here? Where did he go?"

"I-I made him go."

"Why would you do that?" He asks pulling back, sliding his thumb across my wet cheeks.

"I broke up with him." I say, the tears just falling harder.

It's been a full week since I broke up with Tobias. Technically I broke up with him last Sunday, and so that means tomorrow I have to go back to school. Thing's have definitely not gotten better, if anything it has gotten worse. I don't cut anymore, well I haven't yet, but I don't eat much at all. . . maybe a banana a day. My parents don't know because they are always at work, though my dad wants my mother to resign so that one of them can be home with their 'unstable daughter'.

Flashback (a few days ago):

I know I probably shouldn't but I can't help but listen to the late night argument going on between my mother and father. They both seem pretty upset and I'm almost positive it's about me, though I just got here and started listening a few minutes ago. I lean against the wall outside their door at one in the morning.

My mom is the first I hear talking, "Why am I the one who has to quit. I love my job, Andrew."

"Natalie, our daughter is unstable. She needs help, and if you haven't noticed, that Tobias guy just made matters worse. You didn't see how upset she was." My father whisper yells at her.

"Let's give it a few days. I love her and I want her to get better, I just worry that if I quit now, we wont have enough money to provide our family. I will make sure she goes to school again starting Monday like we had planned. Let's see how this goes and if we still think she's not getting any better I can quit, okay?" She explains, making her seem more selfless, trying to do whats best for everyone.

"Fine." My father huffs.

End of Flashback:

That night I thought long and hard about what I thought would be best and I finally came to the conclusion that my mother would be better off at work then at home, with her depressed child. After that I begin to act more happy and bubbly around my family, though it was all fake.

Tobias has tried texting me once, but I didn't answer. All it said was;

Tris I'm so sorry for whatever I did. I want you to know that whatever happens, I want you to be the best and have the best in life. I know you won't but please consider taking me back, I love you and want to take care of you. I need you, please. I will hopefully see you on Monday, unless you don't want to see me...just please hold on and keep going. Be brave.

I know how much I want to take Tobias back is way more than it should be. I shouldn't want him back because all I would do is ruin his life by pulling him into mine. He's way too good for me and I should have seen that from the start.

Currently I'm lying in bed waiting for sleep to overcome me, but I can't help but think about the text he sent me. I don't understand what he means by 'I'm so sorry for whatever I did'. I thought he had assumed I broke up with him because I knew he was too good to me, though I don't know and shouldn't just make assumptions.

All I know is that I'm going to have to talk to him tomorrow, even though that's one of the last things I want to do. I need to make sure he knows that he's perfect, I'm just not perfect enough for him.

Hey guys! I'm so sorry it took me so long to update! I sprained my thumb in volleyball (yes I do play) and it also had a lot of bruising. I went to a hand doctor to make sure it wasn't broken and thank god it's not but he said I had to be careful with it for a week. I had already not written for about a week and I personally asked him about typing on my computer and he said I shouldn't. I'm really sorry it took me so long, but my thumb is back at 100% so I can type again! Yay!

Well now that I'm done with my life story, just wanted to give a big thanks to everyone who's read this far! Love you all! Please review for faster update!

~divergent24-7