Yes, that last chapter was short, I apologise.
Yeah.
Thanks for all the reviews. I'm sorry it took so long to update, but my mum is limiting my time on the computer, to half an hour on each weeknight.
Yeah. Sucks to be me, I know.
And thanks to amaya-black-wings for all her help on this chapter.
DISCLAIMER: Do I look like an Irishman to you?
Excerpt from UnderCover in Canonland, page 364
Leave no trace. That is the cardinal rule. Do not leave a strand of hair. Socks are ok to forget, however, as long as you only leave one….
A swirling pink and blue portal appeared above the fridge, and with a muffled curse, the limp body of an unconscious Japanese girl flew out, landing on some prearranged cushions. A conscious Australian followed, but missed the cushions.
"Fuguggle!" I yelped. (1)
The Slayers grouped around Ame, turning her on her back, checking her breathing, pulse, the massive bump on the back of her head.
I stood and examined it. Huh. My cricket skills had come in handy for once.
Anna looked at me. "Go get Artemis."
"Shouldn't we wait till she wakes up?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "No. If she's awake he'll perform a psychological assessment or something, without us realising."
Ame stirred. "Ah….kuso." she muttered.
"Listen to the Canonist, Hannah." Kim pointed at the door.
I opened my mouth to protest, but Anna made a jerking motion with her head.
"He said something about his library, or the study. Most likely study, centre of info, you know."
Anna was right. Artemis was sitting quietly in his study, tapping away at the keyboard of an iMac. Well, I was pretty sure it was an iMac. The keyhole didn't give me a good view.
Suddenly, Butler opened the door.
"Hello, Hannah." He said in a quiet voice. "Can I help you?"
"Yeah." I said, sizing him up. "Can I please speak with Artemis?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Artemis shake his head slightly.
"Oh." I shrugged. "Can I leave him a message? Tell him we got Miss Shiku, she may be concussed and-"
Artemis stood quickly, knocking his chair backwards. "Where is she?"
I lead him back down to the kitchen. What we saw wasn't pretty.
A very wet Ame was brandishing a rolling pin at the girls, all of whom had their guns drawn, loaded and primed.
"What the hell?" I shrieked, ducking behind the doorframe.
Artemis took a step into the room, arms folded with a mildly amused smile on his face. Well, more of a smirk, but it was close.
"Might I ask?" he said quietly. "What is going on here?"
Nishana lowered her rifle slightly. "Your girlfriends gone psycho!" (2)
Ame glared at her before glancing over at Artemis. "I'm not a girlfriend to
that bastard!"
His eyebrow raised just oh so slightly to his new and crude name.
"And, uh…You know these people?" she asked.
Artemis seemed to ponder the question. "The girl cowering behind the door is Hannah-I'm fairly certain these are her work colleagues."
"Put…the rolling pin…down…Ame." Said Nishana.
"Put the guns down!" Ame replied.
Clare, Sam and Anna followed Ame's instructions, giving her big smiles.
"What is going on?" asked Ame.
"To be honest, Ame, I'm not sure." Said Artemis.
Silence.
Ame dropped her rolling pin, Nishana lowered her rifle in shock. Even Butler raised an eyebrow.
"Woah." I muttered.
Everyone turned to look at me.
"Well, you were all thinking it!" I protested, walking into the kitchen. "Ame, this is Artemis."
"Good morning," said Artemis, offering his hand.
Ame gave him the evil eye. "Artemis…what are you doing?"
"Introducing myself."
"My God, he's an idiot!" muttered Clare.
Ame looked around at her. "Yeah, I agree…who are you?"
"Captain Clare Mart-I mean Clare. Yeah. Clare." (3)
"Artemis?" asked Ame, turning back to the boy genius. "They aren't with…Holly, are they? They aren't, uh, birds? High birds?"
"No, Ame." Said Skylar. "We aren't Avian-Human Hybrids-"
We all giggled at the Maximum Ride reference.
"And we're not with Holly." Finished Kim
"Then what are you? Who are you with?"
"Yes, that's what I'd like to know." Said Artemis. "And where did the other one of you girls go?"
"Yeah, where is Nish?" asked Samantha.
We looked around the room-no Nishana.
"She was here a minute ago." Said Anna.
Thump.
"What the heck was that for!" shrieked Ame. Nishana was standing behind her, holding a rolling pin like a baseball bat.
Ame rubbed the second, growing bump on the back of her head.
"Think of it as a cricket bat." I advised.
"What do you mean?"
Ame rounded on me.
"You hit me?" she asked.
"Sort of." I told her. "The dictionary did all the work. And I used to love cricket, you know."
"Oh, like a cricket bat!" said Nishana, and swung the dictionary, hard. (4)
Down she went like King Kong off the Empire State Building. Artemis practically flung himself down beside her, suddenly in a fluster, checking her pulse, breathing. He opened her closed eyes and checked her pupils. I rolled my eyes.
"What a day you two are having." Commented Nishana, lowering her pin.
Anna and Samantha pulled Artemis back.
"Calm down, Artemis." Kim told him, as she grabbed Ame under the arms and hauled into a sitting position.
"She's not concussed, I hope." Said Anna.
Artemis frowned. "No. Why did you hit her?"
"Easier to get through the portal this way. Guys, seriously. Need help." (5)
We all hauled Ame onto the table, and Anna pulled out her MUPRC (Multi Universe Portal Remote Controller) and pressed something.
Ten seconds later, a portal opened and Kim slid Ame off the table, into it.
Anna tapped on the MUPRC again, and ten seconds later, the portal closed.
Artemis watched this exchange with a shocked expression. Well, his version of a shocked expression, eyes widened by 0.545 parts of a millimetre.
"That thing needs new batteries." Commented Skylar. "Give it to Hannah, she'll plug it into the Fangirls."
"Hey, I'm not your slave!" I protested. "Artemis, are you ok?"
"Earl Grey and some biscuits." Anna advised us all.
Butler hurried in, pushed a chair under Artemis and began to check his vitals. (6)
"I think hot chocolate and cookies would be more appropriate." Said Nishana, filling the kettle with water.
"I don't like cookies." Said Artemis quietly.
"Got any lamingtons?" I asked.
Butler sighed. "I think Artemis needs to be alone for a moment. Ladies, if you please."
He gestured at the door.
We trooped out of the room. Just before the door closed, I saw Artemis rest his face in his hands.
The door slammed shut.
"Poor guy." I whispered.
We stood in the corridor for a few moments in silence, until Skylar tapped me on the shoulder.
"Hannah, you should go upstairs and pack your things. We're needed at the gates."
"Needed at the gates?" I asked.
Clare smiled. "We'll explain in a minute. Go get your stuff. Don't leave anything behind."
I nodded. "The Handbook. Leave no trace, unless a sequel is planned."
"Good one."
I walked slowly upstairs and tried to remember which one was my room. Was it the one with the vase next to it, the one at the end of the hall, or the one with Sue Serum on the door? Three guesses.
xOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxO
Grace's POV
Tactics Table, The Gates of Fowl Manor
Dublin, Ireland
The Canonverse
"And when we lose four, that's the signal for the song." Said Hayley, the American Commander, tapping the list of AEPRP.
"I'm not OK." Agreed Marcus. Leader of the British.
I nodded, as did Amelia.
She pointed at the middle of the map.
"I'm a little worried about that fountain. Fangirls are good swimmers, and they have a high lung capacity-"
"We could drain it." Suggested Marcus.
"They could see us. You'd notice if your fountain stopped fountaining." Countered Hayley.
"It should be fine." Amelia said. "We'll add some tranquillisers to the water."
"Various Commanders!" yelled a Slayer from the laptop table. "Team B are back!"
We all turned from the maps and lists. Skylar, Samantha, Kim, Nishana, Anna and Clare were ushering Hannah through the trees.
"What is happening?" she asked.
"Hayley Long, Commander, USA." Hayley offered her hand to Hannah. Hannah took it.
"Uh, Hannah Lynch, Apprentice Fangirologist, Australia."
Marcus stuck out his hand. "Marc-"
Cutting him off, I began. "You've been busy, Hannah."
Hannah licked her lips nervously.
"I forgot about the bugs." She muttered. "But it was the Fangirl-Fangirls, seriously, what was I s'posed to do?"
I glanced at the rest of the people around the table, the English, American, French (Genevieve D-Albreta) and Canadian (Patrick Black) Commanders, Amelia and the Captain of American Fangirology, Alex Smith.
"Ever heard of sleepwalking?" I asked.
Hannah's eyebrows shot up under her fringe. "I was screaming, swearing and doing freaking karate!"
"Call that karate?' muttered Patrick.
Amelia glared at him.
"Have you ever fought a Fangirl?" asked Ameila cooly.
"No." said Pat. "Can't say I have."
"Well, you see, Fangirls have a very random fighting style, mostly based on anger, and the energy comes from adrenaline, and they lash out."
Amelia rolled up her right sleeve. On her wrist there was a clear half circle scar.
"They bite." She said. "Hard."
It was true. Though the Slayers had the highest serious injury (and fatality) rate, the Fangirologists were the ones coming in with the sprains, dislocations, nose bleeds and the inevitable slaps and scratches.
Sucks to be them, I know.
(1) Morris Gleitzman made up the word. Read Teachers Pet if you don't believe me….
(2) Technically, she wasn't his girlfriend. She was his Fandom counterparts girlfriend. Just thought I'd clear that up.
(3) She was going to say Captain Clare Martin, Canonology, Australia. It was a habit we all had, Rank, name, class, place. It was how you introduced yourself in a serious situation.
(4) She had terrible form, her elbows were too straight and her hands were all wrong. Just thought I'd point that out.
(5) OCs and Canons aren't made for Verse-jumping-it just spins us Slayers around a bit, but puts OCs in the washing machine.
(6) I just realised, that's the third time in this chapter that someone's had their vitals checked.
It IS possible for a human to leave a bite mark scar, I've done it myself, and was called Viper for three weeks afterwards…
Yeah.
I gotta do my maths assignment.
Lotsa Love,
Nicola
Next Chapter: I don't know, late Saturday, Australian time.