Chapter 12:

Aftermath

a/n: A little more "Adult Content."

ALSO... This is a long one.

It had now been weeks since she discovered the video and left him standing alone in his apartment.

He'd tried for a moment to explain himself, but Sam wasn't even listening anymore. It didn't matter why or how he did what he did, even if he justified it in his mind as being heroic to Sam; all that mattered was that Josh needed help that she had been neglecting. And she should have known better.

"We have to put a stop to this," she told him while bravely holding back tears, meaning the craziness and the inappropriate relationship they'd developed. "I've failed you as your doctor and I can't express how sorry I am for that. I'll look into what will be the best medication for you and have my assistant call you when it's ready."

Josh didn't say anything further to try to make her stay or to understand. He simply stood there with eerily vacant eyes as he stared at the floor.

After that night, Sam immediately called Bryana, letting her know that she would be taking a few weeks off for personal reasons, and to refer her clients to Dr. Stedson for the time being. She also told her that she would be prescribing a very specific and important medication to treat schizophrenia for Elliot, and that Bryana needed to call him and have him come pick it up, along with instructions.

Sam had no idea what would have happened if she didn't find out about the video until after she slept with him. …Or worse, if she never found the video at all and she continued to let Josh go untreated.

She felt like slapping herself every time she thought about it. Josh had been hopping from one psychiatrist to the next for years, obviously for more than just his memory loss, and it was stupid of her to ignore that, both as his doctor and as his friend.

There were a few times during the first week that Josh tried calling her. She would stare down at her phone as if Josh knew she was holding it and was purposely ignoring him. It gave her anxiety and she wished she could just shut off her phone but knew that would be an awful idea.

She wondered if Josh did the same during that whole time she tried to call him after he left for college and before he came home for Thanksgiving.

Sam shook herself free of the memory and realized she at least owed him an explanation of why she was ignoring him - at the very least ensure that he wasn't going to do anything drastic or stupid. Ignoring him might just send him into another psychotic episode. So the next time he called, she answered.

"Elliot…"

"Sam, please," he said quickly, and her heart split upon hearing the desperation in his voice, "Please talk to me, I—."

"Bryana informed me that you dropped by to pick up your medication," she said bluntly.

"U-um…yeah, I did. I've been—been taking them, but you cancelled all our appointments and thought—."

"I cancelled everyone's," she told him, "I'm taking a few weeks off to…to figure some stuff out. I hope you're seeing Dr. Stedson in the meantime… your recovery is very important." She wanted to add 'to me' at the end of that sentence, but couldn't bring herself to do it.

He was silent for a long moment, then said, more to himself than to her, "I fucked up…I'm a fucking fuck up and I don't deserve you, you're—."

"Elliot,' she stopped him quickly, calmly, "You came to me a month ago seeking help for a problem you know you have. But you cannot let your actions define you." She paused when she only heard his staggered breaths on the other end, "We can get through this, Elliot. Just keep taking your medication. But please—only call me if you're not okay, alright? I just—I need some time."

Sam felt herself relax when she heard Josh's calm voice said, "Okay. I understand." She could just see the look of hurt and disappointment on his face in her head as he did what she asked, no matter how hard that would be for him.

She'd seen that very same look before.

It was in mid-October, not long after Josh left for college. Sam was never very regular with her periods, but she was beginning to worry. She had a short one near the beginning of September right after he left, and she thought she was in the clear, but now she wasn't so sure. She went to the internet in the hope that there could be a good explanation. WebMD told her that she could possibly have ovarian cancer and could die if she didn't see a doctor immediately. Some pregnancy sites told her that some women had their period all the way up until they were six or seven months pregnant. Others told her that a missed period was a sure sign of pregnancy.

There was nothing solid and it was stressing her out. Every time she tried to call Josh, it would just go to his voicemail and she was left with teary eyes. She hated regretting having slept with him, but she was beginning to wonder if it was a bad idea. Did he get her out of his system? She gave herself completely to him so he was ready to finally move on? Why wasn't he at least texting her?

And on top of that, she never imagined herself having a pregnancy scare at 18. Yes, she knew it wasn't a wise idea to have sex without a condom. But she was with Josh, and it seemed like no matter what, they would always be okay because they would always be together.

But she was feeling him slip through her fingers and she had no idea what to do.

Sam didn't want anyone to know. If her mom found out, she'd be so devastated and disappointed. And the thought of being pregnant her whole senior year was terrifying. She didn't want to be the girl that people eyed in humor and disgust. There goes another whore who got herself knocked up.

She never felt like she cared about others' opinions before, but this was a whole different ballgame. Then finally, one evening she couldn't take it anymore.

She was sitting against Hannah's headboard, absently watching Hannah skim through a Teen Vogue magazine. She hardly heard her when she would read an article or a quiz aloud, but Hannah must have asked her a question when she zoned out, because Hannah was then sitting on her knees in front of her, concern written in her dark brown eyes behind her glasses.

"Sam, what's wrong?"

That's when Sam realized tears were streaming down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away, though more came to replace them. She sniffled and felt kind of silly when she said, "Your stupid brother won't return any of my calls or texts…"

"Oh…" Hannah sat back, suddenly looking downcast, "Well, you know how Josh is…he's always misplacing his phone…leaving it where it doesn't belong…"

"But it's been almost four weeks," Sam argued.

Hannah grabbed her magazine then crawled up next to Sam, sitting next to her, "Maybe he misses you too much to talk to you?"

"That makes no sense," Sam moaned, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding her face.

"Yeah, well…Josh doesn't make sense," Hannah chuckled, hoping it would get Sam to, but it failed. She flipped through the magazine, "Maybe he went off his meds or—."

"Don't say that," Sam stopped her quickly, uncovering her face and looking straight ahead at all of the Hollywood movie actors taped all over Hannah's wall.

"Sorry," she apologized quickly, and it was clear she wished she hadn't said it, "I'm sure he's just busy with classes. We can try doing something to take your mind off him." When Sam didn't offer up anything, Hannah continued to look at the magazine, stopping on a What that Hottie Really Wants You to Do to Him article. "If it makes you feel any better, Mike hasn't answered any of my texts either."

Sam eyed Hannah from the side, "That's hardly the same." As soon as she said it, she regretted it, wincing at how careless she was. But Mike was still dating Emily and she doubted Mike even gave Hannah's texts a second glance despite how much she wished for it. "Sorry, Hann…I'm sure it's like what you said. He's just busy…"

Hannah didn't answer and Sam knew she hurt her feelings. Her best friend was really sensitive, and she knew that. Sam covered her face in her knees again. She couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey, Hannah…"

"Yeah?"

Sam felt tears sting her eyes again when she felt a lump form in her throat, "I think I might be pregnant…" It was the first time she said it aloud and it was even scarier than she thought. She sobbed into her knees, her tears dripping down onto her tights.

"Oh my God….what?" Hannah said lowly, shocked, "Sam…wait, what? How?"

If the moment wasn't so serious, Sam would tease her about that last question. How do you THINK, Hannah? But she knew what Hannah meant. As far as she knew, Sam was still a virgin. Hannah always told her that Sam would be the first to know as soon as she lost her virginity, and she assumed Sam would do the same.

"And you think—wait, you think it's Josh's?"

Sam finally looked up, trying in vain to wipe away her tears again, "I know it would be his, Hann. He was the only one I was ever with."

"How did this happen?" Hannah was suddenly on her knees again beside Sam, her eyes wide with curiosity, "I mean, I knew you two were always close but I never thought you guys were…oh my God, did it happen in his bedroom?"

Sam shook her head, "No, Hannah, it—it just happened once, and it was when we were at the beach house before he left…"

Hannah slowed down, knowing she was focusing on the wrong things. Still, Sam couldn't help but see all the questions in her eyes that she was dying to ask. So she finally went with: "And…you guys didn't use a condom?"

Sighing, Sam shook her head again, "We didn't even think about that until it was already over…" Sam could still see the look of panic in Josh's eyes when he asked her if she was on the pill. She was sure her eyes looked the same, and it gave away her answer.

"Shit, Sam…" he had mumbled, hitting his head hard on the floor when he laid it back, his eyes staring wide at the ceiling.

She swallowed roughly, "I'm…sure it'll be okay. Can we just—not think about that right now?"

Sam was never one to ignore her issues, but the thought of being pregnant seemed too surreal to actually happen. It's won't happen to us. She didn't want this moment to be tainted with concern either. She was relieved when he nodded slightly, obviously not wanting to think about the possible outcome of their actions.

The dark-haired girl moved her legs out from underneath her, sitting cross-legged in front of Sam, "Sounds romantic…"

Sam groaned, leaning back until her head hit the board behind her. She closed her eyes, all her crying making them sore and sleepy, "No, that's…I mean, yeah, it was, but…not if it's gonna come to this."

Hannah was silent for a long moment, then: "So you've been trying to tell Josh…?"

"I don't know…" Sam mumbled; it was something she often thought about. What would she say to him if he answered? She wasn't one-hundred certain yet herself, so would it be cruel of her to make him worry as well? Before, she would believe that he would want to go through every concerned second with her, but now? Now she had no idea.

"…what are you going to do if you are?"

Sam didn't even answer her. She wouldn't be sitting there crying her eyes out if she knew.

But then she got her period four days later. And it was the day after that Josh finally called her.

"What have you been up to?" She asked tightly, wanting so badly to yell at him for ignoring her for so long, but realizing she had no right to do that.

"Lots of classes—I'm beginning to think I took too many for my first semester. Homework sucks and then everyone wants—hey, I got your voicemails. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

"…it was nothing." Sam replied, trying to add some pep to her voice to make it seem like it really was nothing of importance.

"Okay," he accepted quickly, "Any Halloween plans?"

They went on to make small talk, but Sam hated the way he felt a million miles away from her - and it wasn't just the distance stretched between them. It was like she could actually feel him slipping away from her, and her confidence and heart felt shattered.

He hurried off the phone, promising he'd call tomorrow (he didn't) and that he'd see her soon when he came to visit during Thanksgiving (he did). And although Sam knew things had changed, she held on to hope that seeing him in person would clear up all of her doubts and things would feel normal again.

The time between their phone call and Thanksgiving went by fast and slow all at the same time. In the eleven weeks since he'd been gone, she only talked to him three times on the phone. Getting him to exchange texts with her was like pulling teeth. She'd get a halfhearted one text to every five she sent him, and after awhile she started to try less and less. She was hoping to be able to talk to him during this long weekend and figure out where they stood.

But she was absolutely terrified. Josh had never avoided her like this before and she wasn't sure what to expect. Did he end up falling in love with someone like she feared? Did he not want to be bothered by a little high school girl now that he was in college? Did he think she was trying to pull a fast one on him when she asked him to have sex with her even though she wasn't on any birth control? It was stupid of her, yes, but it wasn't like it was planned.

She didn't see him until the day after Thanksgiving since they both spent the holiday with their own families. But about time she got to the Washington's house Friday afternoon, everyone else was already there as well. Hannah greeted her at the door, letting her know that all the girls were up in Beth's bedroom and all the guys were in the basement playing pool.

Sam told Hannah that she was just going to pop down real quick and greet the guys then she'd be right up. Hannah understood that Sam was eager to talk to Josh so let her be. Sam silently walked down the stairs, hearing their laughter and idle talk.

"Another one for me," Mike said after the sound of a ball dropping into a pocket.

She looked around the corner to see Mike gearing up to make another point, while Matt stood to the side holding his pool stick lazily. Josh and Chris lounged on the couch with a few beers as they watched the game.

Mike hit the cue ball perfectly again, "I'm telling you, at first I hated my dorm, but it's so close to all my classes that I can literally wake up ten minutes before I have to be there and make it on time."

"Lucky," Chris chimed in, "My dorm is wwaayy on the other side of campus from all my classes."

"I bet you don't stay out partying all night though," Matt said with a grin.

"Hey, that—!" Chris pointed at him as though to challenge him, but then dropped his hand and sighed, "is absolutely true. My professors give out way too much homework to be partying."

Josh snorted, "Says you. I look at it as a challenge. Oh, this isn't something I can finish an hour before class? Challenge accepted."

"I don't even think my college has a lot of parties," Chris tried to defend himself.

The other three guys laughed, all agreeing with a, "Yeah, right."

"Bro, you're seriously missing out by staying in every night," Josh said, "You won't believe how horny college chicks are."

Sam's breath was stolen away from her as she stopped herself from speaking up to greet them. Her heart seemed to stop in her chest as she wondered what that comment could possibly mean. Is that why Josh never had time to call her?

Tears stung her eyes and blurred her vision, and she turned around and walked back of the stairs quickly yet silently so she wouldn't be caught. She didn't even know what she would say to Josh now. She couldn't even seem to form a proper sentence in her head.

Over you. Doesn't need you. Done with you. Never liked you.

It was all the things she feared Josh wanted to say to her, and no matter how much she tried to convince herself none of it was true, it all felt very real to her.

She forced her best smile when she went to Beth's room. Jess, Emily, and Ashley her gossiping about something that happened in the boy's locker room the week before, and Beth and Hannah were painting their toenails. Sam sat down next to the twins, and Hannah asked her if she wanted her to paint her nails a seafoam green color. Sam placed her feet together in front of Hannah, her knees bent so she could rest her chin.

"Everything okay?" Hannah asked her best friend lowly once she painted a few of Sam's toes.

Sam took in a wavering breath, but noticed a small break in the other girls' conversation and didn't want them involved. She didn't want to make herself cry either, so she just said, "I'll tell you later."

It was a few hours before Sam heard the music get turned up downstairs and knew the real Washington party was about to start. The other girls jumped up to go join in on the fun but Sam was obviously not as enthused. The turmoil inside of her about wanting to jump in Josh's arms but at the same time avoid him like the plague was eating her up.

When she finally showed up in the kitchen to see all the alcohol and munchies laid out on the island, the guys were already shooting back their first shots.

"Ahhh, first one's always the best!" Josh yelled with a choked up voice as his body got used to the alcohol. That's when he spotted her and his arms raised above his head, "Sammaayyy, I didn't know you were here!"

"She's been here for hours," Emily said, scooping a carrot in the ranch dressing.

"Whaaaat, and you didn't come say hello?" Josh asked in mock hurt, his hand grasping over his chest where his heart was. "Guess I'll have to make the first move." He moved around the island to go to her, and the closer he got, the more anxious she became.

Then he wrapped strong arms around her, trapping her own arms to her sides as he picked her up in a bear hug.

"It's been 1,848 hours too long without you!" He exclaimed, dramatically.

"Oh, look," Beth teased, walking by the two, "Josh is in college a few months and is finally starting to learn math."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Josh countered, letting go of Sam to adoringly tap Beth atop her head, "I knew lots of math before this, dear sister."

"Yeah, like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop," Hannah sounded in, leaving most of the others to laugh.

"Good one!" Mike complimented and Sam could see the deep blush light up Hannah's face from across the room.

"But is that really math?" Josh questioned seriously. But everyone else was already moving on to a different conversation and the guys were already pouring another round of shots, "Don't continue without me!" Josh warned, going back over to his spot.

Sam tried not to think too much into his lighthearted greeting despite them being apart for the longest they've ever been. But she suddenly felt more alone than ever. Jess, Emily, Ashley, and Matt were chatting up a storm about something around the snacks. Mike and Hannah were sitting on the bar stools talking together (which somewhat worried Sam because she knew how quickly Hannah's hopes rise and how she overthinks every little thing), and Josh and Chris were in complete bro mode.

"Something going on between you and Josh?" Beth asked her suddenly, standing with her by the fridge.

Sam only half-glanced at her, "Um…I don't think so—why do you ask?"

"I've never seen you look this sad when you're in the same room with him," Beth observed and it made Sam wonder how much Beth caught onto over the years.

Sam sighed lowly, "I guess…I guess I just missed him so much but I'm not—I'm not sure if he's still the same Josh I remember."

"Don't be afraid to talk to him," Beth advised, looking over to her brother, "I think he might feel the same way you're feeling."

Beth's words stuck with Sam the rest of the night. Sam eventually left the party to go use the restroom, but as she was walking down the dark hall to return, she came across Josh leaning casually against the wall.

"What are you doing away from the party?" she asked, stopping a few feet from him, her body temperature rising when his eyes wandered over to her.

"I've been trying to get you alone all night," he confessed, though she didn't know how true that was, because it never once seemed that way.

"I…" she trailed off, realizing she wanted to say so much to him yet nothing at all.

"I missed you, Sammy," he said, all innocence, pushing himself from the wall and closing the gap between them. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, hugging her close before gently turning her and backing her against the wall.

She let out a wavering breath that almost turned into a sob at the feel of his body pressed against hers again. Her heart wanted to instantly fall back into his trap, but her mind kept reminding her of all the times he never returned her calls and the comment she overheard him say to Chris earlier.

"You won't believe how horny college chicks are…"

"You… you never call…" she uttered with what little bit of courage she could muster. She hated how pathetic she sounded in her own mind.

She felt his lips press to her hairline, his hands resting on either side of her neck, his thumbs rubbing against her collarbone. Then he quickly said "I know." He pulled away from her just enough to see her face, and from what she could see of his in the dimly lit hallway, he seemed sincere. But there was something different in his eyes. Something missing. "It's just… it's just really hard talking to you because all it does is remind me that you're almost three-hundred miles away from me… and I can't just reach out and touch you," he said as he pressed their hips together, their contact heightening. It seemed like a good enough excuse, but that was all it was… an excuse. She closed her eyes, wishing nothing more but to get lost in that moment, but her heart felt torn to pieces.

"I really needed you," she admitted against her strong-willed promise to herself that she wouldn't let herself look weak in front of him… but she was always weak when it came to Josh.

"I'm here now," he said in a hushed whisper. Sam couldn't argue with that. But even though he was here physically, it didn't feel the same. He leaned down, his lips brushing against her cheek and Sam sucked in a breath of air and held it, frozen. He must have taken her lack of intervention as an invitation, and he ventured further, his lips finding hers with just as much ease as they had before. Sam let herself fall into the kiss, but only for a moment. She couldn't stop thinking about the pregnancy scare, the painful, agonizing silence of her cellphone all these weeks, the comment downstairs just hours ago.

With every bit of internal strength she could conjure, and against her heart screaming at her just how badly she wanted this, she pressed her hands to his chest and easily pushed him back, unlocking their lips. His eyes held pure confusion, but he stepped away from her like she obviously wanted.

"Sammy?"

Sam averted her eyes away from his lost ones; she didn't have the courage to say what was on her mind. So instead she just mumbled a short, "Stop…" and then slipped away from the wall, walking down the hall to go back to the party.

She didn't hear Josh call for her or hear his footsteps behind her. Before she turned the corner, she glanced back at him. He was still standing where she left him, his body wavering slightly back and forth as he stared vacantly at the wall where she stood only seconds before.

Sam thought about these moments over and over again as she packed her suitcase. She had been living with her mother since she left Liam, just until she found an apartment, which she finally had. She was always thankful to her mother, letting her use her home as a landing pad every time her world fell apart, and Lord knows she needed it after she realized that Josh was still sick.

Now that she had time to think, time to breathe, she knew it was time to do something she'd been dreading - and knowing what she knew now, about what Josh had done, it just made it even harder. She had to go to Liam's.

Sam timidly walked up the same driveway that she used to walk up every day around this time, but it felt so vastly foreign to her now. She frowned as she passed her flowers that she'd planted late last spring; they were wilted and dying even though she'd only been officially gone from this house - this life - for a few weeks.

Had it really only been that long? It felt like a lifetime ago, now after everything that had happened. She realized now that this was never the life she was meant to have.

When she'd left Liam, she'd been so upset and final in her decision that she'd even left her key behind on the counter after she'd grabbed Cee-Cee. It wasn't until she'd begun moving her stuff into her new apartment that she realized she still had far too many belongings that she needed to retrieve… and after discovering (in the absolute worst way imaginable) that Liam was regularly cheating on her (all that 'work' and those late night calls suddenly made so much sense), she figured she deserved to at least get a few of her belongings.

As she neared the porch, she almost raised her hand to knock on the door - she'd been trying to reach him for a while and although she knew why he hadn't gotten back to her, she still found that coming here was the only way she was going to be able to grab her belongings. When she really tried to take a mental inventory, she realized that very little in that house was ever even hers. If she were being honest with herself, she only cared about a few items, one of which being her shoebox of memories that she'd left hidden in the closet.

Instead of knocking, she crouched over to the rock beneath the living room window and pulled out the hideaway key. His car wasn't there, so she assumed he was working or… well, she didn't really care where he was. She was just slightly relieved that he wasn't home.

Then, there was a part of Sam that actually wanted to see him, in the flesh, to confirm what Josh had said to her - that although he did something incredibly horrible to Liam, he hadn't actually harmed him...at least not physically. Sam knew all too well the mental and emotional scars that Liam would carry for the rest of his life, now.

When he'd taken a few more moments to explain at his apartment, it was all too familiar. The gun was filled with blanks, the knife a prop. She'd seen it before and she had done everything in her power to forget it, which was her first mistake. Clearly Josh (past and present) needed so much more help than she had given him credit for.

She turned the key in the lock before quietly letting herself in. She took in the sight of the house, just as she'd left it. Pristine. Yuppie. Everything she was so glad to be away from. Sam took a few steps into the house when she heard someone shout, "Who are you, who's in my house?!" from the hallway.

"Liam?" Sam called, crooking her head down the hallway to see Liam standing there, more disheveled than she'd ever seen him during their entire relationship. He was shakily clutching a gun in his hands. Sam instinctively brought her arm up by her face to shield herself, as though that would help stop a bullet, "Jesus, Liam! Don't point that thing at me!" He slowly lowered it, squinting at her to make out her features.

"Sam?" he asked, but he'd already lowered the gun and he was nearing her. He shrugged a bit, looking a little confused… slightly guilty. "What are you doing here?" he said flatly, his eyes unable to meet hers. Sam folded her arms across her chest, nervously shifting her weight from foot to foot.

"I-I'm sorry," she stammered, confused as to of why he was even here, especially with his car missing from the driveway. "I thought… I thought you were gone. Your car wasn't here," she noted. His arms dropped limply to his sides; he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

"I don't leave my car in the driveway anymore. I park it in the garage," he mumbled, his eyes trailing to the ground for a moment then back up to her face. "You never know who might be hiding in the backseat," he added with a sneer. Sam swallowed, hard. She closed her eyes, trying to will her heart to calm in her chest.

"I just… I tried to reach you. I just need to get a few things I left behind. Nothing too important... just some of my momentos…" her words trailed off when she noticed him staring at her intensely. She had never seen him like this and it made her nervous. He jerked his arm up, extending his hand out toward the hallway.

"Oh, by all means! Be my guest. Take whatever… you… want." Each word was acidic, each step towards her deliberate. Before, when she thought about what Josh had done to him, she felt sorry. Now she just kept trying to remind herself that Liam had been cheating on her on a regular basis… probably unprotected, subjecting her to all kinds of diseases and risks. She felt her jaw clench tightly. Gun waving or not, she wasn't afraid of him.

"Thanks," she muttered quietly, her eyes pried to his face as she walked passed him and down the hallway.

Sam hurried to the closet, quickly pulling out her old gym duffle bag and putting whatever she could find of hers that was an absolute necessity - she wanted out of this house more than ever. With shaking hands, she grabbed a few articles of clothes she'd been missing then her shoebox of pictures. She rushed over to her vanity and took her jewelry and a few other things that were irreplaceable. She knew he was watching her, and sure enough when she finally felt brave enough to look in the doorway he was standing there, and he hadn't ditched the gun. She scoffed, shaking her head and shoving some make up into her bag.

"Seriously, Liam. Lose the gun. It's unneces-"

"I know it was him," he said simply. Sam folded her lips, trying to hold back an involuntary shudder that crept down her spine. She didn't even want to ask what he was talking about. She already knew. He entered the room further, a crazy look in his eye. "Were you in on it, too? Or maybe… maybe you're the one who set it all up." Sam remained silent, her face growing hot and she felt sick to her stomach. "Maybe you found out some things about me that you didn't like too much so you thought you'd send your sick, little demented boyfriend after me to teach me a lesson?" He was dangerously close to her at this point - unnervingly close. He reached for her arm but she jerked it away, turning to face him with fire in her eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about Liam but you better back off!" she snapped angrily. He stared at her with equal intensity, and then as though he were coming out of a daze he shook it off, his eyes softening.

"Sam, Sammy-"

"Don't call me that," she spit out quietly as she continued to stuff the bag. Josh had successfully made Liam seem just as insane as him.

"Samantha," he said, and the neediness in his tone made her turn towards him. "I'm sorry I'm just… I feel like I'm going crazy," he choked, tears in his eyes now. Then, suddenly, his eyes widened. He dropped the gun and grabbed ahold of her arms with his hands. Sam squirmed a bit, uncomfortable with his touch, but he held on tightly. "Sam, you gotta get away from that lunatic… you have no idea what he did to me, what he's capable of!" That was the problem. Sam knew all too well. She ripped herself from his grip, grabbing her bag and hurrying past him. "Sam! I am worried about you!" She spun around after she made it to foyer of the house, opening the front door so she could scream for help if she needed it before she yelled, "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Sam, that psychopath snuck into my car… he knocked me out and I woke up in an old warehouse… he tormented me and blackmailed me! Now, I know I've been a real asshole but I still care about you and your safety!"

"How do you even know it was him," she asked after a moment; she needed to know that Liam didn't have any real proof of this claim. He opened his mouth, stammering a bit. "Did you see him or not?" she clarified, firmly.

"No… but, I know it was him and I-" he paused, and Sam cringed when she saw the flicker of realization in his eyes. "Oh my God. You know it was him, too, don't you?" he uttered. Sam gave a shrug.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Liam. You should maybe think about seeing a psychiatrist," she shrugged before turning and quickly jogging to her car and away from Liam, hopefully for good.

Sam entered her apartment, and she realized as she set her keys down that this was the first time she'd ever truly lived alone. She went from a roommate in college to cohabiting with Liam and as she stood in the entryway of her modest but lovely new apartment, she couldn't help but smile to herself. It was decorated to her taste; everything in there was hers. There was something so liberating about that.

But also lonely.

She walked in and found Cee-Cee, who was rubbing up against her legs, begging to be fed. "Patience, you vile creature," she teased lovingly, to which Cee-Cee responded with an even more demanding meow.

Sam set her things on the kitchen island, just trying to keep her mind off of the silence. This was her first night in her new apartment and her first instinct was to call her mom, just to get her mind off of things.

Instead, she walked to the cupboard for a wine glass and poured herself some wine - Pinot Noir, for once. The red wine hit the bottom the the glass with a splash, swirling around and it was not unlike her thoughts - spinning and spinning like a whirlpool. She'd spent so much time searching for an apartment and avoiding the questions from her mother. 'Where's Josh? What's going on?' She had even dodged a call or two from Chris, who let her know he was having a hard time reaching Josh and was 'everything okay?'

But although her life was steadily being pieced back together, Sam did not feel okay. After making sure Cee-Cee was satiated, Sam sat on her barstool, her mind quietly buzzing as she nursed her glass of wine. Then another. Then she poured a third, all the while staring at the shoebox in front of her on the marbled countertop, her chin in her palm.

She knew nothing good would come out of looking in that old box, but she missed his face. She'd been able to keep tabs on him through Dr. Stedson, who'd said he was doing well in their sessions; she knew Josh never wanted to see another therapist again if things failed with her, but she knew it was his way of playing by the rules, doing what he had to do to get to see her again. He'd done as she asked… he left her alone. And now, tipsy and lonely and lacking her better judgement, she just wished she could hear his voice.

Sam was glad that she could hear about his progress through Stedson though because she knew that as long as he was taking his pills and going to therapy, he was alive and (partly) well, and that's all that mattered to her. Josh's mental health had always mattered to her. Over the years before the twins disappeared and set off a chain of events that led to their demise, Sam had learned when Josh was on or off his meds just by the look in his eyes. She knew he was off them at Thanksgiving, more than likely overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of himself without someone to force him to. Saying goodbye to him after Thanksgiving break was like having her heart ripped out all over again, mostly because she had no idea what he would be like the next time she saw him. Would he be recognizable to her at all?

Though Thanksgiving that year didn't exactly go as planned, Sam made sure to show up at the Washington house Sunday afternoon before Josh was due to head back to college. She had watched from the background as he hugged each of his sisters, their goodbyes their normal loving bantering exchanges.

But when he looked at her, she saw the guilt and shame in his eyes, and she hated that this time felt completely different from their last goodbye, yet still just as painful. She found the courage inside of her to step forward and wrap her arms around him.

"Take care of yourself, okay?" She told him, her concerned green eyes searching his.

He only nodded briefly; they both knew she was telling him to continue taking his medications like he was supposed to.

"I'll make sure to call more," he promised, but she only smiled tightly and nodded. He made promises to her the first time he left that he didn't fulfill, and her heart was guarding her from more heartbreak. She couldn't risk getting her hopes up again. Then he said, "I'll see you at Christmastime."

"Okay…" Sam could see that he was wondering if he should kiss her or not, and she thought, if he wasn't sure, then it shouldn't happen. And kissing him would only make everything harder all over again. So he got into his mustang. Her hand reached into his window in search of his to give it a quick he held onto her as she continued to back away, their arms stretching out as he tried to keep her for as long as possible.

The tips of their fingers gripped together for one brief second before she took that final step back, their hands dropping away from each other.

"It's only three and a half weeks this time," she reminded herself as much as him.

He started his car, the engine cutting through the air and reminding them of the distance he was about to put between them again, "Goodbye, Sammy."

She shook her head and crossed her arms, finally showing him a genuine smile, "It's never goodbye, Josh."

Hearing her say his words put a smirk on his face and he looked away as he chuckled, almost shyly. He began backing the car out of the driveway, waving at the three beautiful girls in his life. Hannah was jumping up and down as she waved both arms; Beth did a big one armed wave, but Sam only gave a small finger wave as he sped off down the street.

To Sam's surprise, Josh called her that same night when he got back to his campus apartment. He seemed in to be in higher spirits, and she could tell he was really trying to give her what she'd asked for. He talked about how his two roommates went wild while he was gone; they had their girlfriends stay with them the whole weekend and there were dirty dishes and clothes everywhere.

"There's a huge pile of women's clothing blocking the whole hallway, Sam! How do they expect me to get to my room?!"

Sam laughed loudly at his over the top tone; it felt good to laugh like this again, the last time was at the beginning of September on the beach, "Just walk over it, Josh!"

"Ugh, but what if it's like quicksand and it sucks me to the underworld of dirty lingerie-wait, wait, here I go…" She continued laughing as she heard him struggle way too hard to get past the dirty clothes. And when he told her about the random cucumber in front of his door, she completely lost it, her laughter contagious and causing Josh to laugh at his misfortune.

And just as he promised before he left, he called her a lot more often. He wasn't always available to answer her phone calls, but he always made sure to call her back. She could tell he was taking his medication again and he was once again becoming the sweet and funny Josh she knew, and not the zombie she saw at Thanksgiving.

She didn't hear from Josh the whole week before Christmas, but knew he had to focus on finals so thought nothing of it.

It was Christmas Eve, and Sam and her mom were curled on the couch watching Christmas TV specials. The doorbell rang but Margaret stopped Sam from getting up, saying she would get it. Margaret was expecting her older sister who was traveling from further upstate, but wasn't sure what time she would be arriving.

Sam heard some chatter from the door, her curiosity piquing when her mom called to her, "Sam, come here!" A pause, then, "It's a caroler."

Sam laughed but shook off her afghan from around her shoulders, "Just one caroler? That's weird." She turned the bend to the hallway toward the front entrance. As soon as she stepped in front of the door, she saw Josh standing there, all bundled up his his large jacket and hat, but with the biggest smile on his face.

"Josh?!" She yelled in surprise, having not expected to see him until at least the next day sometime.

He cleared his throat quickly then began singing, "I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need…" Sam covered her mouth with her hands to hide her huge smile and laughter, "Um...something-something...something, Make my wish come true-baby all I want for Christmas-" he pointed at her, winking one eye flawlessly, "is yoouuu."

Margaret began applauding like she was at a concert, but Sam couldn't hold back her excitement anymore as she bounced to him, her feet flying off the ground as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, "You didn't tell me you were coming tonight!"

"Well, that would kinda ruin the surprise factor, right?" He joked, his arms holding her up by her waist.

Margaret invited him to come inside, and once he lowered Sam to the ground, he picked up a potted plant that he hid off to the side. It was full of red and white poinsettias; he handed it to Margaret, "For you." Sam's mom gushed over her favorite flowers, her fingers brushing against each individual flowers and leaf before hugging Josh as well.

Sam grinned, nudging him in the side and whispering when her mom went into the kitchen to place the flowers on the kitchen table, "Trying to score brownie points?"

He leaned close to her and whispered back, "She's gonna be my mom too in ten years, so I need to make sure I become her favorite."

She blushed when he referred to their marriage deal and she pinched his cheek playfully. Then Margaret was taking his jacket and hat and asking him all about college life. The three talked for a few hours before Sam's Aunt Mary arrived. Margaret told Sam to go out and have fun with Josh as she caught up with her sister. Sam swore she had the best mother in the world.

Sam and Josh drove around aimlessly for awhile, the two coming across all the houses that could be considered over decorated with lights. They ended up back at his house and, without actually voicing the plan to do so, they snuck in and up to his room; he reasoned that it was late anyway and he could surprise his family with his presence in the morning.

Sam felt high on her giddiness, being with Josh like this taking her back to all the times they were inseparable. She could still recall the day he caught her staring at him changing when she was fifteen. My how far they've come…

She looked around his room as she took off her jacket. He threw down his duffle bag and shook himself from his outer wear as well before he fell back on his huge bed, his arms outspread. He took in a deep breath, "One of the things you miss the most when you leave for college," he started, "is your own bed."

Sam smiled softly down at him, "Hey, Josh?" He peeked over at her, "I just wanted to say that…" she trailed off. She wanted to express how happy she was that he kept in touch with her this time around and that he showed up at her house to surprise her tonight. But he already knew all that. She quickly lost her serious face, grinning crookedly as she crawled up next to him singing Dolly Parton's 'Joshua': "Joshua, Joshua-why, you're just what I've been lookin' for!"

"I foresee a career in the country music biz for you," he complimented, though Sam couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

She laid down next to him, but as soon as she did, he propped himself up on his elbow, "I got you something."

Her eyes widened in excitement, "Christmas present?" When he nodded, she clenched and unclenched her fingers in front of him, "Gimme, gimme, gimme."

Josh chuckled and went to his duffle bag. He rummaged through it before finding what he was looking for, "Sorry I didn't get a chance to wrap it or anything…" Sam sat up when he got beside her again. He handed her one of his shirts that was folded neatly.

"You're giving me one of your shirts?" She asked with a smirk, "Pretty sure I can just take any of your clothes anytime I want."

"Haha," he said sarcastically though he smiled at her humor, "I wrapped my shirt around your gift to protect it."

"Okay," she started to unfold the layers of the shirt, "...but for the record, I'm keeping the shirt, too." He didn't say anything, just watched her as she unfolded the last layer to spot a simple metal loop bracelet with a small bead attached.

"I had to take an art class as an elective and we had to make a piece of jewelry," he told her, and she could feel his eyes staring at her intensely for her reaction.

"It's beautiful," she breathed, picking it up and already loving the feel of the smooth metal against her skin.

"Look on the inside," he said, leaning in close to her so he could look as well, as if he were just as excited to see it for the first time.

Sam held the bracelet up so the light could make it easier to see, and there, etched on the inside, was the phrase, "It's never goodbye. J+S"

"Jack and Sally," he said with a smile, both of them laughing.

"Josh…" she grinned but also wanted to cry, "This is the best gift ever."

"Ever?" He questioned, "Hmm...I dunno, I remember giving you a pretty good gift back in September." His teasing made her blush. He took the bracelet from her, then grabbed her hand as he slipped it over her fingers and to her wrist, "I figured when I'm not around to remind you...this can."

"Josh…" she said his name again, feeling like she could never say it enough now. Earlier he brought up their marriage deal, and now he was slipping on the bracelet like an engagement ring. She was positive that if he asked her to marry him that night that she would say yes. But he didn't say anything more, so she asked, "Have you been binging rom-coms again?"

"I just can't help myself!" he said dramatically, wrapping his arms around her suddenly and throwing them back to his bed, and they both laughed. His smile was pressed against her cheek, his laugh close to her ear, and she was home again.

She found his lips quickly, her heart skipping at finally being able to feel him again. He was completely here with her, and the taste of him was sending her on a roller coaster, "I missed you so much," she voiced almost desperately into his mouth. His hands went into her hair as he kissed her hard. She whimpered against his lips, the pressure between them almost painful but in the most addictive way.

It didn't take long for her to feel his hands running down her sides and making her shiver. But memories of the last time they were together and how terrified she felt about whether she was pregnant or not were still fresh in her mind, and she separated her mouth from his, "Josh...we can't do this again without protection…"

His eyes searched hers quickly before he said, "I have condoms in my bag."

She swallowed roughly, wondering if he had them just by coincidence or if there was a bigger reason. But she let him get up to search in his duffle bag again and when he found them, she looked at the unopened box in his hand. He looked at her, as if asking permission to open the box, and when she nodded slowly, it was like watching one-hundred pounds getting lifted from his shoulders.

Josh lowered himself back down to her, their lips coming together like two magnets. She reached for his jeans, unbuckling his belt then grabbing both ends of it as she pulled him closer. He ended up sitting on his knees above her as she undid his jeans and her hand blindly reached in to grab him. He jumped, and she loved feeling him harden in her hand.

Their clothes seemed to simply vanish as they took the time to explore each other again, their hands roaming over all their curves and edges, and then he was completely pressed against her, inside of her. Her knees squeezed against his hips as his warm and jagged breath circled her ear, their bodies moving in sync with every push and pull.

She clenched around him when she came, and he pushed himself deeply into her as he followed her, their sweaty foreheads together, their heavy breaths mingling, their kisses soft and short.

"Stay with me tonight," he asked her, their sparkling yet delirious eyes meeting.

She nodded quickly, wishing nothing more than to be able to stay with him every night.

They fell asleep with her bare back pressed against him, his arm wrapped around her stomach and holding her so tightly she was sure he was trying to make them become one person. She sensed that he wanted to tell her something, his breathing and body constantly geared up for it, but he remained silent. She ended up falling asleep, she wasn't sure for how long, but she woke up to the feel of his hand sliding against her stomach. Her foggy mind registered how hard he was, his member pressed against her backside.

Almost involuntarily, she pressed back against him, and the groan in her ear told her how much that turned him on. Before she knew it, he was slipping on another condom and entering her from behind.

"Oh my God, Sammy…" He whispered loudly in her ear, but she could hear the words I'm so in love with you underneath what was said aloud. She moaned quietly over and over at the sensation this new position gave her. The soft sounds of their bodies meeting, along with his fingers wandering over her center urgently sent her into a frenzy. She tried folding in her lips to keep from being too loud, her senses telling her it was in the middle of the night sometime, but the way he kept saying her name in her ear was making her forget everything. She felt tears sting her eyes multiple times when her love for him was almost too much to handle.

When they finished, they jokingly agreed that they were both in desperate need of a shower. They quietly snuck out of his bedroom and down the hall to the closest bathroom. She was glad his house was so big and each room was spread out enough to block out almost all sounds.

She giggled constantly in the shower as they playfully argued over what was the perfect shower temperature. He swore to her that the temperature she wanted would burn both of their skins off, but the temperature she wanted made her feel like she was sitting in a pool where someone just peed (and he made fun of her grossness for even mentioning it).

Then it somehow led to her being pressed against the shower wall with her leg over his shoulder as he licked and sucked on her core, and she never imagined that having his tongue touch her would be even better than his fingers. Her moans echoed off the bathroom walls, but she was only seeing stars behind her closed eyes and couldn't find it within her to care if they were caught.

It was nearly four in the morning about time they fell asleep for good that night, him in his boxers and her in his shirt and bracelet. The whole night felt like a dream to her, but she thought that they finally found the place where they were supposed to be, that this was how it was going to be for the rest of their lives.

But life had different plans for them, it would seem.

In the present, Sam had moved off the bench and sat in her linoleum of her kitchen with pictures spread across the floor, she couldn't stop the tears from streaming down her face. So many memories - these last few weeks had felt like she was the one coming out of memory retention. It was so overwhelming, and she hadn't cried like this in so long. She was remembering everything she had long buried within her and it showed no sign of stopping.

Cee-Cee, being a cat (and cats never seem to care about being mindful) laid down, stretching out across the photos as Sam brought her knees to her chest, her back up against the dishwasher as she tried to get the crying to stop. It was merciless.

Then, as though he knew her more than she knew herself - which, of course he did - Sam heard her cell phone vibrating hard against her kitchen floor. Sam clumsily wiped her tears as she stared up at her clock - 1:16 am. How had so much time flown by? She exhaled, crawling across the scattered photographs for her phone to see the name she'd been silently hoping for, even though she knew she shouldn't. She held the phone in her hands while she tried to decide…

Pick up the phone or ignore it? Life was all about choices like these.

Before she could think about it, she slid her thumb across the accept line on her brightly lit phone screen.

"Elliot-" she started, her voice sounding stuffy and hoarse.

There was a brief silence before, "I didn't think you would pick up." Sam tilted her head back against the metal of her oven, using a scrunched up paper towel as a tissue to wipe her nose.

"What do you need?" she asked, her voice wavering as she tried in vain to keep him from noticing she was crying. There was a long pause on the other line, as if he were using every bit of courage he had to do this - as if he knew what reaching out to her could cost him.

"Um…" he began; she could hear him losing his nerve, "Y-you said to call you if I'm not okay…" Sam could tell he was trying so hard to be , but she could hear his voice crack on the other end, and Sam felt her heart crack as well. "I'm not okay, Sam," he admitted. Sam wanted to speak, but when she opened her mouth, nothing could come out. All she wanted to do was tell him it was going to be okay, to comfort him like she always used to. It was so hard not to. She brought her hand to her forehead, slightly covering her eyes as she moved the phone speaker away from her mouth so he couldn't hear her crying. She could hear him sigh on the other end, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"It's fine," she croaked, and her chest contracted with a slight hiccup. "It's… um… it's actually good to hear your voice," she confessed, knowing she shouldn't have. Another long silence.

"I… I can't help but wonder if you're not okay, too," he said quietly. Sam sniffed, taking in a deep but jagged breath.

"I will be," she tried to sound optimistic, but she knew he could hear the pain in her voice.

"Sammy," he breathed and it was low and comforting and familiar and it said 'I know you're not okay.' How was it that the person who hurt her the most was the only one who could make her feel better? "For what it's worth… I… Sam, I really miss you." Sam didn't respond; she didn't want to open her mouth because she was terrified of what would come out, so she instead took another gulp of wine. "It's kinda weird," he continued, as though this were a two-sided conversation. He let out a humorless, ironic chuckle, and Sam wasn't ready to stop listening to his voice, so she sat quietly waiting for him to talk. "I feel like… in some other life, in some other universe… You would be the person I would call when I needed someone." Sam knew the feeling, because it was mutual. "I dunno… maybe we knew each other in a past life," he mused. She stared at a stray photograph on the floor - a candid of a bonfire party in the Washington's backyard. Everyone was smiling and roasting marshmallows; but sure enough, in the thick of it all was she and Josh huddled up close together, sharing a blanket and leaning in closely, talking about something she didn't even remember anymore. Had they always been so obvious?

"Please… please say something," he begged.

Sam took in a deep breath, then blew it out, saying slowly, "I will never condone what you did to Liam, Elliot… but in some weird way… I understand."

"I feel like… like you're the only person who understands me." Sam closed her eyes and winced at the familiarity of those words. "And...if it's any consolation," he droned, and she could hear a bit of a smile in his voice as he said, "They were all really ugly," referring to Liam's mistresses. Sam let a quick chuckle escape her lips, despite herself.

"Can I please see you again? To… to explain myself. To properly apologize…?" Sam winced again, unsure if she was doing the right thing. She didn't even know what the right thing was anymore. She couldn't help but remember Elliot's rant, about the black and the white and the grey in life. She was living in the grey.

"I'll… um… I'll think about it."

"That's better than a no," he said, his voice brighter. It made her feel better. Even though it was so hard to talk to him, it was even harder not to. "I'll take it."

"Goodbye, Elliot," she said quietly, ready for this conversation to end.

"It's never goodbye," he replied, and Sam's phone beeped in her ear that the call was over and she was back in the silence again.

To Be Continued...