Chapter 13: All of the Stars

"Nutella?" Chris asks as I nod. He's my course mate and house mate, so it's natural for us to be friends. It's a semester break so most of my house mates went home, except Chris (short for Christopher) and me. I use the name Shiho Miyano now, partially as a remembrance of my family, and partially to delete the existence of Ai Haibara. The former works well, the latter doesn't.

It's cold out there, even though it doesn't snow, yet. Groceries shopping is one of the things you need to do despite the weather and temperature. Pb&J sandwich with hot chocolate is the only thing I need other than hot water bath, warm blanket and a good book. Even though I'm doing second year for Biochemistry in U.S., things I'm learning is somewhat elementary, thanks to the experience I had as evil scientist in the B.O. Most of my course mates don't really study hard though.

"Let's get some chocolate too," I heard Chris suggests, but I am still looking at the three boys running and playing when their parents are busy choosing groceries. It's been two years, but sometimes I still wonder how are the Detective Boys doing, is Professor Agasa eating right, is Jodie doing good with Akai etc. It would be a lie if I say I never thought of Shinichi, but I think it's better to let go sometimes.

We need space for ourselves.

"Shiho?" Chris calls my name.

"Yea, sure," I remember I forgot to answer him, so I turn to him with an apologetic smile." Chris is a fairly attractive guy, with his brunet hair two tones darker than mine. He wears specs but it does little to make his green eyes less beautiful. Typical nerd, like what girls would imagine a nerd they would love to date as, like Clark Kent.

As he pushes the trolley while I glance through the variety of groceries without really thinking of buying them, he suggests that we have dinner at a restaurant nearby. It's not really a very expensive restaurant but it's quite a place for couples. And I sort of guess where this is going to.

"Let's just buy a takeaway pizza; my budget this month is a little tight," which is true. My mind is now on the bags and shoes I bought with other housemates before sem break starts. Peer pressure is a major reason for buying things I don't need, although I'm already a shophoholic myself.

"It's okay, be my guest," exactly like what I thought he would say. Chris had constantly asking me out, confessed his feeling for me, taking me for dinner, buying me stuffs, doing what perfect boyfriends would do for their girlfriend, except I'm not even his girlfriend. In fact, I turned him down for numerous times.

It's not like I don't like him or I find him annoying, because I think not a girl on earth would. It's just that, I don't feel like using his money or spending his time; and it reminds me so much of Ai Haibara and Mitsuhiko. And even though I desperately deny it in my heart, I know, for now at least, I may not be able to let go of my memory and feelings for Shinichi Kudo.

"Chris," I sigh a little under my breath, "I don't like spending your money." Even though you are rich and don't mind spending on the girl who has no feelings to you but you just shouldn't do that because it makes me feel bad while other girls are waiting for you to ask them out but you just don't give a damn. I am a little proud for my self-control that I keep that part as a voice in my mind.

"Shiho," he looks a little hurt even though his smile is still plastered on his face, he's really sensitive to the point I can't really guarantee that I wouldn't hurt him even if I put on my fake halo and white wings, "well, all right. Let's get pizza."

...

On the way back to our rented house, a huge crowd outside a restaurant catches our attention. At first sight, a murder case pops into my mind out of the blue. It could be out of the experience hanging out with the Detective Boys, or a hopeful instinct. I curse myself secretly, how can I hope that somebody had been murdered?

Out of curiousity (which only occurs to me once in a blue moon), and a strong urge to check out if my instinct is right, I walk to the direction of the restaurant. Chris seems to be a little surprised to see I'm actually walking to a crowded place, but he follows anyway.

"I thought you don't like crowded places," he wonders. I just shrug and smile. It's not really necessary to tell him what's in my mind; I find it hard to understand myself too.

With Chris taking all the groceries we bought, it's relatively easy to squeeze through the crowd and see what's happening. As I had suspected, the front door of the restaurant is blocked by police.

"What happened inside?" I ask a middle-aged policeman absentmindedly.

"Somebody died," he literally rolls his eyes when he answers.

I look inside, dumb-founded by what I see, even surprised by my own reaction.

A guy, who is obviously Asian, with his back facing me, looks under the table. Just by looking at his back, I can recognize him. How couldn't I?

And when he's done examining under the table, I can see the side of his face, with a very confident yet arrogant grin. That face...

Both ends of my lips curl upward a little, looking at that grin. Obviously, he had found the culprit.

For the next five minutes, I stand there, looking at the way the great detective explains every detail of the case, and pointing out the culprit in the end. Everything he says corners the culprit to the point that he cannot quibble and, in the end, can only admit his crime and confess his motive.

The police on the scene are astonished by the ability of the young detective; when they are still looking for more clues, he already noticed things they overlook and have a clear connection among the clues. The crowd who is watching is obviously amazed. A little girl started clapping hands for him, and then the crowd goes excited and cheers for the excellent detective who brings Sherlock Holmes to live.

Shinichi, who is talking to a police officer who seems to know him personally, is amused when he hears the crowd's cheer. He smiles brightly and bows a little. I roll my eyes at his arrogance, although I'm grinning for a reason I am not sure of.

Shinichi has noticed my existence in the crowd, but doesn't seem to be surprised. I, too, have no intention to turn and flee. For a moment it just seems, we are already grown-ups and realize that we no longer have anything to do in each other's life.

We just stand, looking at each other, and smile genuinely.

"You are still a death magnet," I say as he walks to my direction. For two years spent in U.S., I have never seen a murder case. And when I'm witnessing one, I'm witnessing him.

"And your hair is longer," he says an obvious observation after going out of the restaurant, where the crowd has gone. My hair now is about the level of my chest, where it curves inwards at the bottom.

"And you are here for?" I ask, and realize that I hope he's here for me. That is too much to ask for.

"I'm already here for about a year," he says, "doing A-level, staying with my parents. And you?"

"Biochemistry second year," and don't know what else to say.

"And your friend?" he says, smiling to Chris as he walks to me. He probably would offer his a handshake if Chris isn't having groceries on both his hands.

"Christopher Gray," he smiles back.

"Shinichi Kudo," Shinichi answers, and adds, "How about a dinner together?"

"That would be great," Chris says.

"Thanks for the offer, but my boyfriend and I have other plans tonight," I lie, thinking how takeaway pizza can be considered a plan, and apparently Chris is not a boyfriend before this second. I curse myself secretly again, but my acting is so natural even when I doubt my speech, I smile and cling my hand to Chris' arm.

"That's fine," Shinichi says after a millisecond of awkward silence, "good night and have a nice time."

"Sure. See you," I reply, and my head refuse to say goodbye, because how will there be any good in a goodbye? I walk past Shinichi, with my hand still clinging on Chris, hoping I would not regret it. And I hope, really hope that I would really see him again.

"And now we have a plan, and I'm your boyfriend?" Chris whispers with pure humour in my ear.

"I'm sorry," I murmur. This is the first time I'm using him in the name of 'boyfriend'. And what matters more to me is I think I saw a slight sign of disappointment in Shinichi's eyes, in that millisecond of awkward silence.

"You turned me down indirectly for the 297th time in the hypermarket just now and you declared me as your boyfriend just now? Shiho, you obviously like that guy, why did you lie?" I am dumb-founded by his speech.

"297th time? You did count?" I said, astonished by the number.

"No," he quickly denies, but says, "Yea, I did count. It's embarrassing, but should it matter? He's obviously into you too, and I don't think he believes you, although you are a good actor. While we're not far from him, why don't you now go and tell him what you really want him to know?"

"I..." I am even more surprised. To be fair, I do not really think that he's only here for studies. Two years is more than enough for him to figure out where I am, he could only take two weeks to know exactly where I stay and what I do and who I'm with. Did he really investigate to look for me? I sometimes fantasize about it, and think that it's only a wishful thinking that I should not be thinking.

"Go, he's right over there! Don't make yourself regret," Chris encourages me after checking that Shinichi is still not far from behind, even though he may not be feeling too excited about it. It sort of stops me from worrying and pushes me to do what I hope I did two years ago.

"Thank you, Christopher," I say gratefully, before running to him.

To my astonishment, Shinichi is still standing and watching me from behind. I do not really know the logic for me to run, because he is standing right where he was, hadn't moved an inch. While looking at me, his smile turns from bittersweet to ecstatic, while his hands remove from his pockets.

I have so much I'd like to say, and I don't know where to start from, but I suspect he already know my thoughts in the moment when he offers nothing but a hug when I run into him. It's warm, and tight, and it's probably my favourite place on Earth. My arms wraps around his waist, overwhelmed by nostalgia and other feelings that I would now conclude in one word, love.

For a very long time, neither of us speaks.

...

Here we go again, on the bed, in his room but a total different scenario. Shinichi's mother made really good seafood lasagna and we had really delicious champagne. After dinner he showed me the video he made one year ago, featuring Professor Agasa, the Detective Boys, Akai, Jodie and other police officers that I know in person. We are half-lying on his bed watching the tablet screen.

"I made it before I came here, thinking that if coincidence like this ever happen, I'll show this to you," he says, holding the tab. "Everyone misses you, perhaps you didn't know, but I think you should."

I touch the play button while listening to his words. The first thing I see makes me giggle; Professor Agasa was eating fried chicken and didn't realize that was caught on camera. 'Shinichi-kun! What are you doing?' he asked while munching a mouthful of fried chicken. 'I don't think Ai would like to see you eating this,' Shinichi's voice is heard from the background, teasing him.

So the video goes on, starting with Professor Agasa nervously apologized for not having healthy diet and his house is messy most of the time. Then the doorbell is heard in the background, so Shinichi opened the door carrying the recorder. It doesn't surprise me that the ones who rang the doorbell were the Detective Boys. And so it goes...

I did not expect that he would go to Ran's grave as well. From the screen, I see Shinichi puts a bouquet of flowers in front of her grave. I silently pray for her, remembering the dream I had about her.

'There is one more place I'd like to show you,' Shinichi said with a rather serious tone in the background, as the scene is now switched into another gravestone, or rather, three gravestones. I had to gulp to refrain myself from shedding a tear.

'This is something I've done without your acknowledgement. After hearing the confession of That Person of B.O., I have to say, the bodies of them would have very little chance to be found... I'm sorry. I've bought three empty gravestones, in case I'm ever going to see you again. I feel that, even though their bodies vanished, but memories of them shouldn't. So, would you like to have their names carved to the gravestones, so that you can have a place to go, when you miss them but have nothing as a remembrance of them?'

That's where the video stops.

Without even realize about it, my eyes are already well up in tears. I feel his hands touching my shoulder and slowly surround my slightly shivering body with a comforting hug.

"Would you?" he asks carefully, softly, so to not trigger my emotions any further. Tears roll down to my cheek even though I try not to cry, but he just wipes them off with his thumb while looking at me.

I look into his eyes, only to meet him staring into my eyes full of concern with tears now starting to fall like rain. I nod, aggressively, suddenly gasping and grieving and hysterically sobbing. He hugs my shivering body and soothing my hair as I cry, my tears make his sweater wet but he doesn't seem to care.

"Thank you," I managed to say to him even though I'm still sobbing and gasping.

"And I know these scars will bleed, but both of our hearts believe, that these scars would guide us home," he whispers to my ear, and I can only respond by hugging him tightly, burying my face in his chest.

That is when I know, my scars and his are crossed together, I would walk in his pain, and he would feel for mine too. I could have another Chris who read my thoughts, but I could never have another Shinichi who knows my heart by heart.