Once again, I'm giving you the character sheets. Add a few periods to docs google com/spreadsheets/d/1iqhn7YF88pWV5xq-cLQuSSLQN7YpmAufO8-g-iRggTg/edit?usp=sharing and you'll be good!

Adam's using the Troll monster class from Savage Species. If you're the type who cares, you can probably look it up.

"Everyone ready?" Emerald asked.

"I sure as hell am," Mercury said.

"As am I," Adam said.

"Ditto," Roman said, passing Cinder a bowl of chips.

"Thank you, Roman. I have come prepared."

Neo nodded, munching on a chocolate-covered ice cream bar.

"Right. Quick character review? I've been working a lot with each of you "

"First off," Mercury said, "what's with the button, Adam?"

Adam groaned. "I needed a little money. And unlike some people, I have standards."

"Apparently," Roman said, "they don't put you above selling looms."

"Not, it's—never mind. Just...characters. Let's do characters."

Mercury said, "I'm Artemis Green, exiled druid. A wizard showed him a stolen bit of exotic magitechnology stuff, and he decided to try and convince his circle that it was great. It wasn't, because the craft skill you had me take makes me subtract my Wisdom score—"

"It's not evil, Mercury," Emerald said with a sigh. "It's just unorthodox, against contemporary—"

"Right, right. It's still a bad sign. Anyways, he insisted too much and got kicked out. Accompanying him are his lupine animal companion Black Wind and a stray dog he named Drei. He's been wandering with the bitch wizard—"

"I'm right here."

"I never implied that you fit that description, only your character. Anyways, ever since then, he's been wandering with Delilah, picking up minor quests where they can."

Cinder glowered at Mercury before explaining her character. "Delilah was an apprentice wizard who took something belonging to the vassals of Grinnel the Green. She got thrown out to avoid pissing off the dragon, and ran into Arty. She took pity on him—"

"—and didn't think her little toad could beat up Black Wind—"

"—so they've been working together since."

"Gritte Nailo was a street urchin who aspired to be something more," Roman said. "He joined the thieves' guild at a young age, but stole from someone paying protection money. The Guild ratted him out, and he had to flee the city. He joined a young troll and a half-orc former soldier who were acting as bandits."

Adam took out a document slightly shorter than Soverliss's backstory. "Lagon's parents were killed by an errant adventurer. Lagon killed him in vengeance, while he was still weak. He worked in mines, kills a friend, fled to the wilderness, was sent to the circus, and after being freed fell to banditry with...Neo."

Neo nodded. "Haffork. Slums. Sljer. Dscmntd. Left. Lagn."

Adam sighed.

"It's more than she had last time," Emerald pointed out.

"Couldn't she at least give her character a name that isn't her name?"

"It's alright," Emerald said. "The three bandits and the two exiles are in a tiny town on the outskirts of the mighty Barony of Wolfcreek, which some say is a kingdom in all but name. The town is small enough that it doesn't have a baronet or a knight, just a lord-mayor who used to be a merchant. It's in a dry island in the middle of a muddy swamp, with Grinnel's lands to the east; needless to say, this scrap of land is a bit more independent from civilized lands. They don't care much what trouble you've stirred up elsewhere if you don't stir any up here."

"My kind of place," Roman said.

"We're all crooks here," Mercury pointed out. "It's all of our kind of place."

"Speak for yourself," Adam said.

"Those three are pretty well-known for being good thugs, and the two of you are presumably asking for work?"

"Naturally," Mercury said.

Cinder grunted in affirmation.

"Right. The thieves are at the general store, and after Gritte finishes bartering with the shopkeep, he says that Lord Mayor wants some ruffians to deal with ruffians. If you're quick about it, you'll be able to get the job before someone else gets it. It's probably paying more than you'd get spending the time banditing, too."

"Sounds like we should at least listen," Roman said.

"Especially since it's the adventure hook," Mercury said. "How're me and Cinder getting brought in?"

"Same way."

"Details?" Cinder asked.

"You're asking around for work?"

"Yup."

"Then you hear the same thing. Ruffians for ruffians."

"We are not ruffians," Cinder said.

"Is that in-character?"

"...Sure."

Mercury sighed. "Don't mind Delilah. She's...I don't know, actually. She's something."

"Hey!"

"Be nice to NPCs," Mercury said. "I know you have difficulty with that—even in real life—"

"Hey!"

"Especially in real life, I'd say," Adam grumbled.

"Hey!"

"Nice one," Mercury said.

"I'll try not to do it again."

"I'm not mocking you!" Mercury said. "For once."

"I know."

"So," Emerald said, cutting off that conversation. "You're going to respond to the Lord Mayor's mission then, too."

"Yes," Mercury said. "Where are we going for that? He's not just going to invite a bunch of 'ruffians' into his mansion, is he?"

"I suppose he wouldn't," Emerald said.

"You know what a nice, public building to have a representative meet us in would be?" Mercury asked.

Emerald sighed. "You're trying to get the group to meet in a tavern."

"That's a bit of an assumption! Although I was thinking 'tavern'..."

"Fine. You're in a big tavern, all five of you. There's a booth in back, you're all sitting on the one side. Across from you—"

"What order?" Mercury asked.

"Pardon?"

"What order are we sitting in."

"You—I don't know, I don't care, you can decide."

"I'll sit next to Roman's girl. She sounds cool."

"I'm playing a man this time," Roman said. "Neo's a girl, though." Neo nodded.

"Focus?" Emerald asked.

"Ah. Then I'll sit next to...Lagon? Trolls are cool, too." Adam grunted in approval.

"That's not—"

"But I'm not sitting next to Cinder," Mercury continued.

"And why not?" Cinder asked.

"I've known your character for a while, good to meet new people."

"...That's reasonable," Cinder said.

"And I've known you even longer, and—"

"For your sake and that of the game," Emerald said, "shut the hell up."

"In that case," Cinder said, "I won't sit next to you either! I'll sit next to Roman and Neo, then."

Emerald closed her eyes to hide her rolling of them. "Great, we've—"

"Wait, on which side?" Roman asked. "I'm not sitting next to a troll."

"We've been working together for months!" Adam said. "...And our characters have been, too."

"Everyone slips up, Soverliss," Mercury said.

"Adam," Adam said.

"Right. Nothing to be ashamed about."

"Unlike deliberately forcing the game to a halt to—"

"Woah woah woah, who said I was intentionally doing this?" Mercury asked.

"I don't care, stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"That's it." Emerald stood up and walked over to a Dust crate. She sat on it, took out her Scroll, and started flipping through apps. "I'm coming back when everyone's ready to play the game like mature adults."

The players at the table stared at each other.

"Dust damn it, Mercury," Cinder said.

Adam sighed. "It wasn't just his fault."

"That reminds me," Mercury said. "I brought the list!"

"What list?" Roman asked.

"Hold on, digging it out. The old list from when we were gaming in Mystral," Mercury explained. "Rule number one hundred twenty-two."

"...Huh," Roman said, reading the list. "Rule one-twenty-two, 'Dust dammit Mercury.'"

"We'd stopped taking the list seriously by that point," Emerald explained.

"...Why was Rule 69 left blank?" Cinder asked. Mercury sniggered.

"That's why," Emerald said.

"I don't get it," Cinder said. Mercury sniggered again. "...Ah. I think I get it now."

"Right," Roman said, "now that that's settled, who still cares about what order our characters are sitting in?"

No one answered.

"Good. Emerald, you can come back."

After a minute, Emerald did come back. "Right. Where were we?"

"We just slew the dragon," Mercury said.

"We were arguing over who sat where," Cinder said. "I don't remember anything else."

Neo sighed. "Dnt gt frthr."

"Right. You're sitting in a large tavern, in a large booth, across from two large guards with a small clerk in the middle. 'You're here for the job?' he asks."

"'Delilah and—'" Mercury started.

"I'll speak for us. ...What's your character's name?"

"Artemis."

"'Artemis and I are. I don't know about these idiots.'"

"Am I allowed to hit Cinder's character on the back of the head?" Roman asked.

"Sure," Emerald said. "Hit Cinder on the back of the head, too, for all I care."

Cinder glared at both Roman and Emerald. "One of these days, I will put my foot down."

"We're shaking," Mercury said.

"Remember what I did last time you acted like children?"

"That should be on the list," Roman said.

"I think it is," Emerald said.

"Nope," Mercury said. "One...fifty-six or sixty-five is not pretending to be children, but nothing about out-of-character conduct."

"Why do you know the rules so well?" Roman asked.

"He had to memorize them," Emerald said. "He was the most frequent offender."

"I believe that," Cinder muttered.

"We should add 'Don't be childish' as a rule," Emerald said. "How many are we on?"

"The last rule was #300, Don't make more rules to put on the list. The joke's gotten old'," Mercury said. "Three-oh-one is 'Don't piss off Cinder—'"

"Follow that one," Cinder said.

"—and three-oh-two is now 'Don't act like children.'"

"Follow that one," Emerald said. "That goes for all of you. Anyways, the clerk asks if you're here for the job."

"Delilah said we were," Mercury said, "then insulted the muscle. Which reminds me, Artemis facepalms. And Black Wind also looks unimpressed."

"Black Wind? You brought your wolf into the tavern?" Emerald asked.

"And Drei."

"...Well, make a couple Handle Animal rolls to make sure they behave."

"Sixteen plus four is twenty, two plus four is six."

"Noted. How do the bandits react to being called idiots?"

"Lagon says, 'Are you just saying that because I'm a troll, and she's a half-orc?'"

"'No, I'm saying it because you're all idiots.'"

"Lagon stands up."

"So does Artemis. 'Woah, big guy! Let's all calm down here. Delilah, apologize. You've never met them, how could you know they're idiots?'"

"'They're bandits,'" Cinder said. "'Bandits—'"

"How does Cinder know we were bandits?" Roman asked.

"She doesn't," Emerald said. "No metagaming."

"How was that not on the list?" Mercury asked, writing "Don't metagame" at the bottom of the list.

"...In that case, Delilah won't say that," Cinder said. "Or call them idiots."

"Right," Roman said. "Gritte's going to say, 'We heard there was a job and decided to listen to it. We won't make any commitments just yet.'"

"Lagon will nod in agreement," Adam said with a nod. Neo nodded as well.

"The clerk nods as well," Emerald said. "'There's a group causing trouble in this area. Some nearby villages under the Lord Mayor's protection are reporting missing persons cases. All of them are associated with a long, red triangular symbol, often drawn in blood. We don't know who's doing it, but we've managed to use magic to locate one of the victims. She's in the deep wilderness, presumably held prisoner by whoever kidnapped her and the others. We need you to find them, rescue any prisoners you can, and bring the kidnappers to justice if you can. Justice by the court...or by the sword.'"

"'By-the-sword is probably going to be easier,'" Roman said, "'but if we can...we might be able to bring them for court justice. For a bounty on top of whatever we're being paid base, of course."

"'We could provide a few gold pieces per head for the culprits,' the man says," Emerald said. "'Plus five each for the captives, and a hundred for information about who did it and why. Anything you take from the kidnappers is yours, though anything belonging to the captives must be returned to them.'"

"'Any idea what might be doing this,' I ask?" Mercury said.

"'Our first suspicion was that it was a local lizardfolk tribe...but they're too organized, too systematic.'"

"Lagon says, 'Lizardfolk can be organized and systematic.'"

"'Not like this, troll. It's...four victims are taken every thirteen days. The victims are taken, and sometimes some valuables, but never food or weapons or other things that lizardfolk raiders tend to take. And it's only one from a house, usually only one from any given village. Lizardfolk don't raid in patterns, and they take most anything they can, not just a couple people and their spare change.'" Emerald sighed. "'And the lizardfolk don't raid this quietly. If it was them, there would be more blood, more signs of struggle, not just long triangles."

"Lagon will glare at the clerk when he says lizardfolk don't know how to be subtle," Adam said.

"'It just doesn't fit with what we've seen 'em do in the past, is all.'"

"'If it's not lizardfolk,'" Roman asked, "'who is it?'"

Emerald replied, "'If we knew, we wouldn't offer a hundred gold for you to find out,' he says with a chuckle. 'That said, we've got a couple guesses. Could be a cult, they might do anything. Could be some new tribe. Lots of people have been settling the frontier, some don't like settlements, maybe some want this land for themselves. Could be a rival nation, hoping to scare us out.'"

"'Could you give us some equipment?'" Cinder asked. "'Maybe more manacles?'"

"Wait, more?" Mercury asked. "We have manacles?"

"I do," Cinder said, handing Mercury her character sheet.

"...Holy crap, did you buy one of everything in the PHB?"

"Of course not," Cinder replied. "I didn't have enough money."

"Ha ha. I see why you pressured Neo into buying that wagon instead of a shield…why do you have two chickens and three sheets of parchment?"

"Spare money, and it could be useful," Cinder said. "We can write on parchment, and chickens can provide eggs or meat. Or be sold."

"...Right," Mercury said. "Moving along."

"'We don't have anything to offer besides what we have,' he says," Emerald said, "'but there are probably others who are willing to provide assistance or rewards if you ask around. I even know of a few important people who've lost family to the kidnappers.'"

"'I think we're interested,'" Roman said. "'Unless my companions have an objection?'"

"Lagon is fine with it," Adam said.

Neo nodded in agreement.

"'We need to stop these kidnappings,'" Mercury said. "'I'm in. Especially for that pay.'"

"There's no chance of arcane knowledge," Cinder said. "Delilah isn't interested."

"Alright," Mercury said. "'There room for a druid in your band of merry outlaws, Gritte?'"

"Fine, I'll go," Cinder said with a sigh.

Crypts and Criminals now has more chapters than my long-dormant fic, Shards, which was my longest until now. Well, it's still got more words, I think, but that won't last long…

I've been a bit tardy with my updates. There are a number of reasons, but number one is named Guybrush Threepwood. It was a long voyage, sometimes tricky—especially before I figured out how to work verbs—but I had fun, saved the governor, and most importantly, learned never to pay more than $20 for a computer game or give someone my living ectoplasmic beard. And now I've actually got a chapter!