THE DAY JUST WENT FROM BAD TO WORSE
I don't own anything though I wish I did sometimes. All the disclaimers still apply though.
authors note:
This chapter is from Tommy's point of view. I kind of liked the thought of showing how he would deal with loss of the baby. It is just that I don't believe that grief should somehow be worse for one while the other can't or feels like they can't talk about it.
Chapter 13
I could see the look on my mom's and the doctors face as I said those words. I wasn't really sure what I expected once I said them but somehow I felt like he needed to say them. Maybe to make it real for me or to give my child's spirit the peace of knowing who his father was. My child... How weird it is to think that I was almost a daddy. A daddy without knowing it. "I wonder if Kimberly ever suspected that she was pregnant."
I must look a mess at the moment because the doctor muttered his "I'm sorry" and left. He's sorry? I'm sorry too. Sorry that he couldn't find a way to save that precious life. I am not trying to blame the doctor and I know that these things happen but this is one topic that my head and heart could not agree on. As quick as I heard the news I can already feel some anger and resentment. Kimberly would have felt something, I wouldn't. She atleast had six weeks with the baby, I didn't. My child wasn't even big enough for us to give a proper grave to. I couldn't be with the baby in life and I could not do anything for the baby in death. That fact made me more angry. My child deserved better.
Looking around the room I could see the look on the faces of my fellow rangers. Kat was crying softly as Jason held her trying to be strong. Tanya looked like she really had something to say but wasn't sure if she should. Adam, Rocky, and Billy looked shocked. It almost looked like they didn't know what their next thought should be. Normally I would joke about that with them but right now I just didn't feel like it. "Um guys. I thank you for being here but right now I think I would just like sometime alone. I am sure you guys understand that this must have come as a shock to me. If you want to wait to see Kimberly by all means stay but please do it in the waiting room."
They all looked unsure but nodded and slowly my friends got up and left. I know that I must sound mean to them but honestly I don't want to be the leader right now. I want to be the 18 year old high school student who just found out that he lost his son/daughter. Decisions or listening to them talk about what they are going through is not something I want to hear or deal with right now. No matter how they feel, I feel worse, Kimberly will feel worse. I don't want to have to comfort them on my child's death. They can do that on their own time away from here.
I wish nothing more to be 5 again so I could crawl on my moms lap and just cry until I couldn't anymore. It would be okay then, it may be okay now.. I don't know. All I know is that no one should have to live with pain this bad. It is almost like someone is slicing my heart open. The weird thing is that I also feel all this love for the child I just found out about. It is amazing how quickly you can love someone that you have never met. It is also strangly amazing how much pain you can feel knowing you will never meet that person. How can I miss something, that up until five minutes ago, I didn't even know I had?
Now I am thinking about Kim. I love that girl... more than anything but right now I have no urge to go to her. I know she is still under from all the medicine they have given her but I am not sure it would matter if she was awake. I need time. I know that this will hit her hard but until I know I can watch her grief I am not sure I want to be there for it. My feelings have slightly changed for her. I still love her and want to marry her someday but I am not sure I want to be in the same room with her right now. I caused all of this the night I snuck in her room. Even though she has found herself in some sticky situations in the past she always came out of them better. Is that why I am afraid of seeing her? Because I know that she will be broken? I have never seen her like I know she will be and I am not sure I am strong enough for it. She was so strong while we were captured. Going through what she was going through and trying to take my mind off of it so I didn't worry. I am not sure how I would have been if I knew then what I know now.
All of the sudden I can't hold the pain in anymore and I start crying. I feel my mom and dad's hands around me in an instant trying to comfort me. How do you comfort someone's heart when all you can touch is their body? With every tear I can feel my heart breaking more and all I can think is "I hope this is not what the baby felt in his last moments." But at that thought I cry harder because it is possible that he or she did.