Depression and Joy
A sense of general depression was spreading through the Order after we had lost the Prewett brothers in the most horrific way. For once, Sirius and I hadn't been with them on a mission – we had been excused because all of the Marauders had gathered to celebrate Sirius' 20th birthday. The Prewetts had walked into a trap; they didn't stand a chance against a large group of Death Eaters and Voldemort himself.
Sirius and I obviously blamed ourselves at first for not being there to help them, but as we heard more details about the night we realised that if we had been there we would most likely have been killed as well. It was at that point we became absolutely sure – until then we had only suspected – that we had a mole. It was too much of a coincidence that more than ten Death Eaters and Voldemort himself just happened to be waiting in an abandoned warehouse in a Muggle neighbourhood at the exact moment when the Prewetts went to investigate it.
It was in that time of ultimate despair, when we had almost given up hope that things would ever change, that we got the news that made us believe in a better future again: We were told that both Lily and Alice were expecting babies – due to be born at almost the same time the next summer. They were immediately taken off mission duty; Dumbledore said we had to keep the next generation safe because it was paramount to have new witches and wizards who shared our views.
This obviously meant that the mission pairings changed quite a lot. James and Frank couldn't go on missions alone, so they were joined by Moody and Sirius. That left me alone for missions, but Dumbledore made the most of that as well. He asked me to go to a group of werewolves who had joined Voldemort. I was to talk to them, gain their trust, learn what Voldemort planned to use them for, and look for signs of how they might be turned to our side.
I must admit I was never very successful – I did join the werewolves, but they never trusted me, and they certainly never warmed to Dumbledore. None of them had had the opportunity I'd gotten, so those who had been bitten early had had no education. Most of them had been abandoned, even shunned, by their families and the rest of the wizarding community, and a lot of them had gone wild, living in packs with other werewolves, rather than trying to fit into a society that didn't want them.
It took a lot of effort for me to gain their trust, it meant spending a lot of time with them, changing my manner quite extensively, and I found it harder and harder to cope, especially since I wasn't allowed to tell any of my friends about what I did – a new rule as a precaution against the mole. It was a slow process, though, and before it became too bad, we had an addition to our small group, when Lily and James' son, Harry, was born.
James named Sirius godfather, knowing that meant that if anything were to happen to them Sirius and I would raise Harry together. I don't think he ever anticipated a situation where Sirius and I weren't going to be together, and he certainly never thought that Sirius wouldn't be able to care for Harry, so he never made any additional plans that named me – not that he would have been able to, because of my condition.
Sirius really took his job as Godfather seriously. He would visit James and Lily as often as possible, playing with Harry, and getting as close to him as he possible could. I would come along as often as my missions allowed me, but I never got quite as close. It warmed my heart to see how much Harry loved his Snuffles, how they would play together for hours, Sirius in his dog shape, the gentlest dog a child could ever play with. Sadly it all changed too soon.
It wasn't until Harry was almost a year old and Lily and James had already settled into their new life as parents that Dumbledore dropped the bomb on them, and told them about a prophecy that had been made about a child, and which Voldemort had interpreted as meaning Harry. Their little boy had suddenly become the number one target of the most evil wizard of the time. Obviously they wasted no time – they had to go into hiding.
At this point no one in the order trusted each other. I would have liked to say that we Marauders stuck together, but that would be a lie. Peter had been left behind long ago and even Sirius and I were struggling, because of my missions – both the secrecy and my growing depression were taking a toll on us. Only James and Sirius were as close as ever, but they had been with each other on missions for over a year, so obviously they had less secrets between them than anyone else.
Everything about their hiding was kept extremely secret. Lily herself performed the Fidelius charm, and those of us who needed to know their location were told in writing. This way no one but Lily, James, Sirius and Peter knew about the switch – everyone believed that Sirius (the obvious first choice) was the secret keeper.
It hurts me a bit that Sirius didn't confide in me because he thought I might be the spy. But looking back at that time, I can't blame him. My mission with the werewolves was driving me crazy, and I was taking my frustrations out on Sirius when I got home. It didn't help either, that I wasn't always able to have the Marauders for company on full moon nights. Dumbledore didn't know that they usually kept me company, so on more than one occasion he sent Sirius and James out on missions those nights, leaving me alone, because having Peter as my only company while transformed would most likely have meant the wolf having a late night snack.
If we hadn't had Harry to make our lives happier, I'm afraid our relationship would have ended back then. There was so much mistrust between the two of us that we reached a point where the only times, I saw Sirius smile, was when he was with, or talked about, Harry. It really broke my heart, because I remembered that only a year ago, I had been able to make him smile just by looking at him. And because they were in hiding, we weren't able to visit James and Lily nearly as much as we'd used to, it would look to conspicuous, so even those happy moments were scarce.
If you'd asked me at that time how much I'd give to have the war end and Voldemort vanquished, I'd probably have said I'd give anything, because all of my misery seemed to originate from that. I just never imagined how much I had left to lose.