Chapter Thirteen

A few days later finds Dean and Cas on Cas' living room couch, finishing up the last installment of the original Star Wars films (because apparently the others aren't worth watching, according to Dean).

As Cas' gaze is fixed to the screen where Luke is burning the body of his newly discovered father, he absentmindedly goes to stroke Dorian, who is currently lying on the couch between the two boys. When he reaches out, however, he makes contact with Dean's hand, who'd apparently had the same idea. Cas looks over to him, startled, and Dean does the same thing. They both pull their hands back. An awkward moment ticks by.

"Sorry," Dean mumbles gruffly, looking away. Cas just tries to fight a smile as he looks back to the screen.

When the credits roll, both boys get up and stretch a little. Cas is just about to ask Dean what he wants to do now, when he's interrupted by scratching on his front door and loud, keening whines. Dorian stands at the door, seemingly restless.

Cas shoots Dean an apologetic look. "Do you mind if I take him for a walk? I forgot I haven't done it yet today. You can stay here if you want."

Dean shrugs. "Nah, I don't mind coming."

Cas smiles. "Alright then, after you," he says, holding the door open with a flourish.

"You're so weird," Dean replies, but he laughs as he says it. He walks through the door, closely followed by Dorian and Cas.

As they walk down the streets of Cas' neighbourhood, Cas feels a contentedness that he hasn't felt in a very long time. There's something about this situation that feels strangely domestic, a type of simple intimacy that had evaded him until now. He tries not to read into these things too much, things like how Dean's arm keeps brushing his as they walk.

For the first little while, they walk in silence. Cas kicks a stone idly, wondering if he should say something, but at the same time not really minding the quiet. Dean ends up making the decision for him.

"You know, I always figured you as more of a cat person," he says.

"Oh? Why's that?" Cas replies.

Dean suddenly looks a bit embarrassed, one of his hands coming up to rub at the back of his neck. "I dunno… You're quiet and smart and you seem like you think a lot. And you like to be by yourself."

"And I can't be those things and like dogs?" Cas asks, mock annoyed. Dean immediately backpedals.

"No, no, I mean- it's more like- uh-"

Cas can't help himself, he starts laughing. Recognizing that he's being teased, Dean just shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

"Asshole," he mutters without venom, bumping Cas' shoulder with his.

"I'll admit, you weren't far off with your assessment," Cas says.

"Fuckin' knew it."

"Although… I don't really like being alone. It's more situational than preferential. I mean, yes, I do enjoy my own company, but it's different when you have no choice in the matter. Do you understand what I mean?"

"Yeah, I think I do," Dean replies with an indecipherable expression. There's a sad crease in the furrow of Dean's brows and Cas tries to think of something he could say that would smooth it out.

Before he can, though, the sounds of raucous laughter and a Jeep engine echo down the road. Dean and Cas freeze. There is a cruel edge to the laughter that they recognize and sure enough, as the vehicle crests the top of a hill, a group of HVF members are stationed within it. Dean looks at Cas frantically and then at their surroundings. Cas knows he's looking for a place to hide, and Cas also knows that there is none – at least, none they could get to in time.

As the Jeep gets ever closer, Dean just casts a pleading glance at Cas and Cas understands immediately what he's asking for, and that he really has no choice but to agree with the plan he can see forming beneath Dean's forest green eyes. Cas nods and braces himself.

He watches, quietly horrified, at the transformation of Dean's expression. What was once open and light-hearted is now closed off, cold, and angry. Cas knows it's an act, knows it's necessary for both of their survival, but Dean's glare pierces him and makes his chest ache.

Dean makes a show of shoving him. It's not that hard, but it's hard enough to force Cas to the ground and he falls to the gravel by the side of the road. Dorian yips in concern and trots over to Cas, staring up with confused brown eyes at Dean.

Cas notices the Jeep slowing down at the staged scene.

Dean must notice this too because he cranks it up a notch. He winds up his leg for a kick, and for one wild moment Cas tenses in expectance of a blow he should know won't be coming. He wonders what that means, but decides now is not the best of times to puzzle it over. Dean's leg kicks out and although the toe of his boot makes contact with Cas' stomach, it's only just. Enough to make it look as though a blow had been landed. Dean looks at Cas with slightly widened eyes and raises his brows expectantly, and it's only then that Cas realizes he evidently hasn't been reacting enough. He nods slightly and gestures vaguely for Dean to keep going. The Jeep has fully stopped now.

Dean winds up for another kick and this time when it brushes him, Cas jolts his body and makes wounded noises as if he's really been struck.

"Don't let me see your face again, you fucking corpse," Dean spits angrily and this time Cas' wounded noises aren't one hundred percent fabricated. He keeps repeating the mantra in his head, just-an-act-just-an-act-just-an-act, but it hurts.

Cas wonders if maybe it hurts because this is what normal looks like in a town like theirs. Dean and Cas had been living in their own little bubble, and Cas mentally chides himself for being so naïve as to not having been prepared when the bubble inevitably burst. They'd been living in a fantasy, and this was the cold, hard reality. Had they just been kidding themselves? Could they really do this?

Cas is overwhelmed. All he can hear is Dean's staged string of vitriol, Dorian's distressed barking, and the HVF members' encouraging cheers (having apparently recognized Dean).

"Hell yeah! You show 'im, Dean!" they yell.

"Kick his ass, man!"

"Get him, that dirty fucking rotter!"

Cas squeezes his eyes shut, wanting more than anything for it to be over. He just wants it to be over, to just go home and pretend this never happened (or perhaps come to terms with the reality that it did, in fact, happen).

And then it's over.

"Hey guys," Dean says to the men in the Jeep, as if just now noticing their presence. He ignores Cas completely.

"We're just heading down to the Roadhouse, planning on gettin' fuckin' smashed. You in?"

Dean laughs, and it pains Cas to hear the hollowness of it. "You really gotta ask?"

The men whoop their approval and tell Dean to hop in.

"You wanna finish this one off first or?" one of them asks Dean. It's only then that Dean looks back at Cas.

"Nah, not even fuckin' worth it."

Cas doesn't know why he looks right at Dean as he says it. Dean's words are harsh, but his expression is the exact opposite. He's facing away from the HVF members, and this expression, this gaze, is just for Cas. It's filled with regret and hurt and about a thousand apologies. Cas is unsure whether it helps things, or just makes the pain worse.

With one last look, Dean gets in the car and speeds off, leaving Cas alone on the side of the road.

Cas sits up and brings his knees to his chest, hugging them. Dorian tentatively walks up to his side, nudging Cas' arm with his nose. Cas pets him absentmindedly, trying to focus on the feel of Dorian's scraggly fur rather than the tornado of thoughts running rampant in his mind.

The Jeep and its occupants are long gone by the time Cas shakily gets up off the unforgiving ground. He feels too much. The type of feeling too much when the emotions blur together and you just end up with numbness. This numbness is what accompanies him on his short journey home, Dorian not far behind.

When Cas gets through the front door, he suddenly feels so exhausted that he could just collapse against it. Instead, he makes his way to the couch. He pauses at the coat rack. On it is a military style jacket. Dean's jacket. Cas reaches out and traces his fingers over the large "H.V.F." patch on the arm. Cas has noticed that, while Dean still wears the jacket, he takes it off whenever he's around Cas. As soon as Dean gets into Cas' house, for example, taking off his jacket is the first thing he does. It was something that Cas quietly appreciated, but now? Now it just feels like some sort of useless denial at their situation. Cas sighs and drops his hand from the jacket.

He heads to the living room and flops down on the couch. He flips on the television to a random channel, using it as white noise. He lies there and closes his eyes, and within minutes he's asleep.

Cas wakes up groggy and disoriented in the way that indicates you've slept too long. He checks his phone, wanting to know the time, and realizes he has ten texts. All from Dean at varying times. A part of Cas wants to ignore them, but he finds he can't. Resigning himself, he picks up the phone and starts reading.

Delivered 5:57 pm:

I'm sorry

Delivered 6:14 pm:

did I go too far

Delivered 6:48 pm:

I had to go w/ them, u get that right? It's not bc I wanted to

The further Cas reads, the drunker the messages seem to get.

Delivered 7:30 pm:

Casss pls anser me ok?

Delivered 7:46 pm:

wtf where ru

Delivered 7:49 pm:

fuck u cas

Delivered 8:07 pm:

didnt mean it srry

There is a gap in the messages for a while, and these ones seem soberer.

Delivered 10:39 pm:

Christ just read those messages back, sorry bout that. Can we pls just talk about this?

Delivered 10:52 pm:

Cas come on

Delivered 11:03 pm:

Fuck it, I'm on my way.

Cas looks at the timestamp of the last text and realizes with a start that it was only sent about ten minutes ago, meaning that Dean could be here any time now.

True to form, it's then that Cas hears the roar of the Impala's engine pull into his driveway.

Cas throws open the door. Dean sits in the car and gestures for him to get in. Cas wants to refuse, wants to go back inside, but finds himself getting in the passenger seat anyway after a quick reassurance for a barking Dorian.

Dean peels out of the driveway faster than Cas is strictly comfortable with. For a few minutes they don't say anything, and Cas is wondering why he even got in the car at all.

Dean looks tired and haggard. His hair is in disarray like he's yanked his fingers through it too many times. The car smells of old booze.

"Where are we going?" Cas asks, breaking the silence. Dean sighs.

"Anywhere."

They drive in silence for a few more minutes until Cas has had just about enough.

"Dean… why am I here?"

As is so often Dean's way, a choice phrase or question opens the floodgates of his tightly repressed emotions.

"I don't know! I just… You weren't responding to my texts and I needed to see you. To make sure you were all right. And to say… to tell you that… I'm fucking sorry, okay? I didn't mean for that to happen. You know I had to do what I did though, right?"

Cas remains silent. After a moment, Dean lets out a hollow laugh, "Isn't this where you say something smart and give me, I dunno, some kind of advice or some shit?"

Cas snaps, just a little, "What do you want me to say, Dean? I know you did what you had to. I understand, truly I do. But if you're waiting for me to say it's okay… I just can't do that. None of this is okay."

"What are you saying?" Dean replies, sounding almost angry.

"I'm saying that this isn't a one-off. This is always going to happen. As long as we're friends, this will never stop. You won't stop being Dean Winchester, pride and joy of the HVF, and I won't stop being dead."

"Damnit, Cas, you're the one who wanted to be friends in the first place!" Dean cries. Cas' throat feels thick with tears he wishes he were able to shed.

"I know. I'm so sorry. I thought I could do this, but… I'm not sure I can."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

Cas racks his brain, trying to figure out a way to explain it.

"Do you kill PDS sufferers?" Cas asks bluntly.

"Well, I mean, I guess I-"

"Yes or no."

Dean looks from the road to Cas and back again.

"Yes," he says.

"Right. And am I not a PDS sufferer?"

"Fuck's sake, Cas, it's not that simple!"

"Yes it is, Dean! Don't you understand? It is that simple! What makes me different from any other undead being you deal with?"

Dean is silent for a long moment. His grip alternates on the steering wheel, loosening and tightening in quick succession. He lets out a frustrated breath.

"I don't know, you just… you just are, okay?"

Cas looks at Dean and he's sure that his broken heart is easy to read in his dull blue eyes, "I wish that was good enough."

The quiet words sit heavy in the tension-filled car. Dean's grip on the wheel is vice-like, his knuckles turning white. It's only then that Cas fully realizes just how fast they're going, and they're only getting faster. Cas watches the speedometer rise well over 60 mp/h and climbing. Cas feels his breaths begin to get too-frequent and shallow. His mind flashes back and forth from the Impala to his parent's mini-van, from uneasy silence to screams, from a comfortable passenger seat to constricting bent metal.

"Dean, pull over."

"'I wish that was good enough'? What the fuck does that even mean?"

"Pull the car over."

"I mean, what do you want me to do? Am I supposed to just-"

"Dean Winchester, pull this car over this fucking instant!" Cas all but screams. He doesn't know if it's the tone, the use of the full name, or the rare instance of profanity that gets Dean's attention, but the Impala is suddenly squealing to a stop on the side of the road and Dean is looking at him with concern.

"Shit, Cas, I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Are you okay?"

"Fine, just give me a moment," Cas manages to say. His eyes are closed and he's trying desperately to regain his breathing.

After a few minutes, he's back to some semblance of normal. He looks at Dean and tries not to falter when he looks into those eyes; he knows what he has to do.

"Dean… I think I need some time."

"Time for what?"

"Time away from you."

Dean flinches and Cas tries to remain firm as he continues, "When I'm around you… I convince myself that everything is fine. And… it's not. Nothing about this town, this world, is fine. I can't go through something like this every time the rug gets pulled out from under us. I don't think I could handle that. I'm so sorry I didn't realize it sooner."

Dean just looks at Cas for a long moment, before saying, "So am I."

Cas has to look away then, he's afraid that if he looks into Dean's eyes for any longer – at the tidal wave of emotion they usually guard so well – he'll take everything back and he knows that he shouldn't.

So, he looks purposefully forward as he says quietly, "Take me home, please."

Dean doesn't respond, just starts driving. Cas notices that he takes it slow, and he's quietly grateful for it.

The silence that hangs thick in the car isn't exactly awkward. It's more… lacking. Something is missing and it's evident in the atmosphere, but there's nothing that Dean or Cas can do to rectify it.

Soon enough, they're back at Cas' house. Cas gets out of the car with a barely uttered 'thank you', and walks up to his front door. Before he can even turn around to wave, the Impala is gone and out of sight. Cas stares for a moment at the empty space where it was, before sighing and going into the house.

Dorian trots up to him happily, pleased that his owner is home. Cas contemplates how nice it must be to live such a simple existence, how nice it must be to not understand the cruelty and unfairness of the world.

Cas trudges up the stairs to his bedroom and puts on his favourite Ben Howard record. He listens to it as he robotically changes into a plain white tee and some sweatpants. He climbs into bed and just lies there, listening.

The numbness consumes him where he lies. He's thinking of nothing, feeling nothing, being nothing. He's not sure how long he continues like that. But then something cracks through the armor and Cas is wholly unprepared.

Bones plays, soft and slow. A line from it slaps Cas in the face, kicks him while he's down.

Oh, you laugh like there's hope in the story.

And that's enough. Cas breaks, sobbing uncontrollably without tears. Always without tears. Dorian, who up until now had been lying at the foot of Cas' bed, gets up and lays down beside him. Cas hugs his small friend, clinging to him like it's his only tether to this harsh reality.

Cas cries himself to sleep that night, the lyrics of Bones echoing in his ears.

Oh, you love him like he'll be there for always,

Always, honey, yeah, always near.