*Chapter 5: Sakko the Con*
2 week later, Rem's attitude got a little better. She slowly settled into life in Burbank, even thought it was a textbook example of insanity. Rem watched everything from anvils falling atop of mines to some unfortunate antagonizer getting blown up with dynamite or blown all the way into space, landing on some other planet. But that didn't drive Rem crazy. What really drove Rem crazy was the fact that the Warners never left her by herself unless she was with Slappy or Dr. Scratchansniff. And when she would try go off on her own, the Warners would either zip to her side, or Yakko would tell her to get where he-or any of his siblings-could see her. Rem felt like a 5-year-old being constantly babysitted. Since the incident where she ran into open traffic, the Warner trio watched her like a hawk. Dr. Scratchansniff was making a slow but steady progress in getting into her psyche. Even though Rem gave out very little information about herself, it said a lot to the studio therapist.
For now.
XXXXXXX
Yakko and Dot were busy in the Water Tower while Wakko took Rem out for lunch. The two siblings were drawing up a sort of 'rehab' plan for their charge. It was designed to bring Rem out of the dumps and get her into a more cheerful mood.
"You think she'd enjoy a Monty Python movie?" Dot asked.
"Ehhhhhh, I don't think so." Yakko said. "She wouldn't even sit through a Mel Brooks movie."
"Oh right. But she sat through a Don Knotts flick."
"Ehhhh, I think she only did that to make Wakko happy."
Then there was a knock at the door, catching both their attention.
"Oh boy!" Yakko cried. "Company!"
Both he and his younger sister zipped to the shield-shaped door and answered it. Waiting on the other side was a short toon, identical to the two Warners, except he had grey fur instead of black and sported a mustache. He was clad in a maroon colored 19th century-type jacket and carried around a blue paper party bag.
"HEEELLLLLLOOOOOO, COUSINS!" the male toon cried out excitedly while throwing the confetti around.
Yakko and Dot's faces fell a little.
"Oh hey there, Cousin Sakko." Yakko said.
"How are ya?" Dot curtly asked.
"Oh wonderful!" Sakko cheerfully replied. "Jus' wonderful! I've been travelin' all over da place!"
"And conning people no less." Yakko playfully whispered to Dot who in turn quietly giggled.
"Say, where's the crazy boy?" Sakko asked.
"You mean Wakko?" Dot replied. "He's out to lunch with Rem."
The grey furred Warner threw a confused look.
"Rem? Eh, who's Rem?" he asked curiously.
"Oh that's right, you haven't met her yet." Yakko said thoughtfully. "You see, a few months ago, we ran into this girl, Rem and we kinda had to hook up with her after an insane ex-director decided to steal our DNA and make another one of us."
As the elder Warner was talking, Dot held up posters of illustrations and flipping through them until the pictures no longer matched with the story. Sakko stood there with a bemused look on his face.
"Gee, cuz. That's some story." he marveled.
"Well why don't you meet her?" Dot said, putting an arm around Sakko's shoulders. "We'd love to introduce you."
"Well sure, why not?"
XXXXXXX
A few blocks away from the studio, and inside a diner. Rem was staring lowly and rather annoyedly across the table of the booth she sat in. Sitting on the other side was Wakko, leering intently at a quadruple decked cheese burger, while Rem just had a frozen coffee-flavored frappe. Then without warning, the middle Warner scarfed down the whole burger in one bite. Rem tilted her head a little to avoid getting hit with ketchup, mustard, or meat juices.
"You know, you're a textbook example of a bottomless pit." she lowly remarked.
Wakko simply sucked on his fingers one by one.
"Deeelicious!" he quipped.
He then proceeded to devour the forks, spoons, knives and pretty much everything else on the table save for Rem drink. Rem merely raised an eyebrow at this.
"Yup. A bottomless pit." she said.
"Don'tcha wanna eat anything, Rem?" Wakko asked.
"No, I'm not hungry, thanks."
Then the waiter came to their table with a black leather pad.
"Your check, sir." he said politely.
Wakko took it and looked through it. Then he stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out a semi-giant piggy bank and dropped it onto the unsuspecting waiter.
"Here you go!" Wakko said.
The waiter stuck his head out from underneath the piggy bank with stars encircling it and with a few teeth missing.
"Thuh...thenk you, suh!" he stammered before his head dropped from unconsciousness.
With that, Wakko hopped off his seat and posed like a gentleman-despite the fact that his tongue was hanging out-while holding his hand out for Rem to take.
"Shall we go?" he asked in gallant but goofy tone.
Rem took one last slurp of her frappe from the straw and got off the booth, walking past Wakko.
"Sure, whatever." she said in monotone voice to which the red capped Warner shrugged.
They went out of the diner, watching random people pass by like Rita and Runt, the Goodfeathers, and Pinky and the Brain.
"So...where are we going next?" Rem asked.
Wakko then went into a meditative pose. A few seconds later, he threw his hand into the air, pointing up and bearing a determined look on his face, but quickly went back to his meditative posture. He did this two or three times as Rem was getting increasingly impatient.
Crap...I'm gonna be an elder before he finally makes up his freaking mind.
"Hey guys!"
Both Wakko and Rem turned around to see Yakko, Dot, and Sakko coming down the sidewalk towards them. Rem threw a confused look when she saw the grey furred Warner.
"Who's that?" she asked.
"That's Sakko!" Wakko said. "Sakko Warner! He's our cousin."
"Oh. Interesting."
When Sakko saw Rem as she crossed her arms, he was immediately smitten. A pinkish red aura surrounded her in his vision and little hearts began floating up from his head.
"And who this lovely lady?" he swooned.
Suddenly, Rem's hand shot out and grabbed Sakko by the neck in a threatening stance.
"Let's get something straight here, punk." she kissed. "If you ever call me that again, you and I are both going to have serious problems."
Sakko blinked in surprise a few times but smiled again.
"Awww, we playin' hard to get, darlin'?" he quipped to which Rem became more irritated.
"Rem, this is our cousin, Sakko." Yakko said calmly.
Rem looked at Sakko as his grin became wider.
"I'm Sakko." he said giddily.
"Yeah, I heard." Rem snapped.
"Remember to play nicely, sweetie." Yakko sang teasingly in a low voice.
"Don't make me want to kick your ass too, bud."
"Oh, I would love to see you try."
Rem let out a frustrated sigh and lowered Sakko down. Yakko and his younger brother came together as the elder Warner put an arm around Wakko.
"How was she today?" Yakko asked in an anxious tone.
"Not bad." Wakko replied.
Rem and Dot meanwhile were conversing with Sakko.
"So you're new around here, are ya?" Sakko asked.
"Yeah..." Rem said flatly.
Must I constantly have to answer this friggin' question?
"She's from Palm Springs, Sakko." Dot added.
"Palm Springs? Oooh, I jus' love Palm Springs!" Sakko replied light heartedly. "Eh, have you ever been on the Aerial Tramway, Miss Rem?"
"Only once." Rem said.
"You know what? We should all go there sometime!"
The maroon-suited Warner started tossing around the confetti from his bag.
"This guy a part person or something?" Rem whispered to Dot.
"No, it's just what he does." the pink clad Warner whispered back.
While Sakko was still tossing confetti, Yakko walked over to him.
"You know Sakko, that actually sounds like a lovely idea." the elder Warner mused sarcastically. "Eh, provided that you don't ditch us."
"ME? When have I ever ditched you guys?" Sakko cried in disbelief.
"Well, let's see," Dot mused. "there was the time you left us in the Leaning Tower of Pisa...oh and let's not forget the Andrea Doria."
"Uh, excuse me!" Rem called out. "This whole going to the Tram gig...it's just a joke...right? We're not really going there...RIGHT?"
"Why not?" Yakko asked. "You've been givin' us an ear-ache about going back to Palm Springs."
"Yeah, why all the sudden you don't wanna go?" Dot asked.
"Well...see...I've got a thing about...heights." Rem murmured.
The Warners stared at her for a second before wide grins appeared on their faces.
"Oh I get it." Yakko sneered playfully.
"Get what?" Rem snapped in annoyance.
"You're afraid of heights!" Wakko said.
"Uh, bullcrap. I don't fear anything." Rem replied. "I just don't like heights."
"Uh-huh, sure." Yakko mused.
"Oh go straight to hell, Warner!" Rem growled.
Sakko quickly got in between them.
"Now hold on here folks." he said. "If Rem doesn't want to go, she don't have to. I mean, I understand if she doesn't like bein' up that high."
"Thanks, you're such a gentlemen." Rem said sarcastically.
Sakko grinned and took her hand.
"Heh, heh, thank you for the compliment, darlin." he swooned.
"It wasn't really intended as one." Rem said under her breath, snatching her hand back from the grey furred Warner. "But whatever."
"Well, I'm sure there's something we can do that'll meet your liking." Sakko replied, completely ignorant of the fact that Rem was totally turned off to him.
"Yeah, you do that, I'm going back to the Tower. Later."
Rem began to walk away but Yakko, Wakko, and Dot stretched forward and grabbed her before she could.
"Oh no you don't." Dot said sternly. "You're going nowhere without us, young lady."
"Seriously?" Rem ranted in a low voice.
"I've got it!" Sakko suddenly shouted out.
XXXXXXX
In using his cartoon antics, Sakko transported himself, his cousins and Rem to the Yuma Territorial Prison, in Arizona.
"What the hell is this?" Rem cried.
"I may not be so eloquent as our friend here, Sakko," Yakko added. "but, ehhhhh, I'm going to have to agree with her assessment."
"Why, this is a part of good ol' American history!" Sakko protested, trying to sound impressive.
"A dingy 136-year-old prison?" Dot asked pointedly with her fists to her hip and with Wakko confusingly scratching his head.
"Actually," Rem spoke out, tilting her head. "I'd kinda like to check out that sniper tower over there."
"You mean the guard tower?" Yakko remarked with a slightly stern voice and a raised eyebrow.
"Great!" Sakko cried in delight, taking Rem's hand. "Allow me to take ya there, darlin'!"
With that, he took off yanking Rem along, and leaving his cousins behind in the wake of his dust and causing them to cough out.
"Well this is just dandy." Yakko said sarcastically.
"You know sibs, I think Sakko's gotta a crush on Rem." Wakko pointed out.
"Oh, you think?"
"Too bad he doesn't notice that she doesn't reciprocate." Dot added matter-of-factly.
XXXXXXX
Sakko scooted right up to the guard tower dragging Rem behind. Rem all the while was trying to pry his hand off of her own.
"Hey, Rip Taylor wanna-be! You can let go of my hand now!" she said.
"Oh, I'm sorry, darlin'." Sakko replied, finally letting go of Rem's hand.
"And one more thing, DON'T call me, darling. EVER."
"Your wish is my command."
"Whatever."
Rem walked past the grey furred and perpetually grinning Warner to peer in one of the binocular stands. Hearts still came floating out of Sakko's head as he let out a deep sigh. Then, Sakko turned and saw a guard coming their way causing him to panic.
Uh-oh...
"Uh, Rem." Sakko whispered, poking Rem's shoulder. "Say, Rem."
"You know, Sakko, there's a well-known phrase that go along the lines of, Silence is golden, and duck tape is silver." Rem replied coldly. "I believe you've heard of it."
As the guard got closer, the fear of getting caught got the better of Sakko and he made a run for it. Leaving an unsuspecting Rem behind. She was too busy looking through the binocular stand to notice anything going on. That's why she jumped when she suddenly heard the guard's booming voice.
"Just what do ya think yer doin' here little missy?"
Rem swung around, startled and with her katanna handy. When she saw it was a guard, she immediately withdrew it.
"Jesus Christ, dude..." Rem rasped.
"What are you doin'? You can't be without an admission ticket." the guard growled.
Rem raised an eyebrow.
"Dude, seriously, I'm approximately 3 and a half feet tall." she said. "How much trouble could I possibly be to you?"
The guard ignored her and grabbed her by the collar of her vest, hoisting her up in the air. Rem of course did not like this one bit.
"Dude! Put me the hell down!" she shouted.
"Oh no you don't." the guard replied sternly. "You're coming with me to security, young lady."
"Eh, excuse me."
The guard turned to his left and saw the Warner trio standing before him.
"That would be our friend there, my good man." Yakko said.
"Yeah, would you be so kind as to let her go?" Dot added in a sweet sounding voice. "It's rude holding a lady like that."
"What the heck are kids doin' here? the guard demanded.
Yakko leapt into his arms, causing him to drop Rem.
"Oh you know, we're tourists visiting places and just having the time of our lives." Yakko said cheerfully. Then he put a hand over his cheek. "Although we would've gone to Six Flags."
The guard let out an exasperated growl and dropped Yakko to the ground.
"You lousy kids, beat it!" he ordered.
"Why?" the Warners asked in unison.
"Because you need an admission ticket to get in and you don't have one!"
"Why?"
"Because that's the rules of this facility!"
"Why?"
The guard was starting to get annoyed.
"Because, this here facility is government property!"
"Why?"
"ARRRGHHH! YOU BRATS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"
"Why?"
Suddenly, Rem grabbed each of the Warners' ears and pulled them towards her.
"Okay that's enough with the rhetorical questions." she hissed. "I'm getting annoyed."
"THAT DOES IT!" the guard shouted. "YOU BRATS ARE GONNA-"
Before he could finish, Wakko whacked him with a large mallet. Then the Warners sped off with the middle Warner taking ahold of Rem's wrist and taking her along with them.
"Oh that was just brilliant guys." Rem said sarcastically. "Now the dude's going to call more guys."
"Don't ever doubt the way we work, Rem." Yakko told her.
"Whatever."
"I'm curious, why didn't you use your toy on our friend there?"
Rem made a face.
"Dude, he's a security guard." she exclaimed. "Do you have any idea how much freaking trouble I'd get into if I off someone like him? I'm not that bold."
The Warners exchanged glances and then shared approving grins at Rem's growing sense of morality. Suddenly the guard from the tower had found where they had run off to and was steaming with rage.
"THERE YOU ARE!" he shouted. "YOU LOUSY KIDS GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"
"Come on, sibs. Let's get back to Burbank." Yakko told his charges.
They began to zip away but then made a halt after realization of something missing.
"Hey wait a minute, where did Sakko go?" Wakko asked Rem.
"Uhhh..." Rem replied, blinking a little.
"Lemme guess, he left you behind during a situation such as this." Yakko deduced pointedly.
"Hell, I didn't even notice that he left." Rem mused. "Is that a bad habit he's got or something?"
"A really bad habit." Dot muttered with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Not that I really care, but don't you think we outta wait up for him, first?"
"Why bother? He's probably miles away from here already."
Rem shrugged in response.
Oh well, I guess...
AN: Okay let's talk about Sakko Warner here. First of all, he's NOT I repeat, NOT a fan character. He is actually character that was spawned out of the comic book series based on the show. You can visit the DeviantART posting of this chapter and follow a link from Google Images and see a picture of him.
Second, he(and the storyline he appears in) was not well recieved when the comic issue was released. Hell I thought it was kinda rediculous. In fact most fans don't even consider him cannon. But I wanted to sort of 'ressurect' the character and make him a bit more interesting and a little bit of an jackass too lol ;)
Now there is such a place as the Yuma Territorial Prison I actually went there once. But it's been so long since I've been there so I don't know if you have to have a ticket to get in, cause I believe they turned it into a muesum and such.