Knocked Out
The punching bag yields to yet another blow, the impact straining uncomfortably the barely healed shoulder but Shepard ignores it: the shoulder will work tomorrow, and he has to sleep.
Troubled sleep has always been an issue, and of late, he has been dreaming excessively: of the Prothean destruction, the long cold fall with his lungs burning, and inevitably, the old nightmares of Akuze. He is not sure whether it's a result of some brain trauma, or imperfect personality reconstruction, or simply a logical outcome of the shit he's been thrown into, he just knows that there is not a single soul on the whole Normandy whom he can tell, because it would be as if he was confiding to the Illusive Man himself. And so he spars and runs on the treadmill and does his best to work himself to physical exhaustion in the evenings, to grab a few hours of sleep as soon as his head touches the pillow.
In daytime, he is looking for inconspicuous ways to unwind, constantly feeling how close he is to losing a grip of himself. The orderly structure of the military life might have been of help but with the Cerberus imitation, there is a void constantly crumbling his walls. At times, he feels as if gyrating back towards the younger, more careless Connor Shepard of the pre-Akuze days… at times, he realizes that he no longer gives a fuck to things which used to matter.
On such occasions, he finds relief in talking to the single person who doesn't give a fuck to anything – the single person who doesn't want or expect anything from him, and the freedom of being just himself in her presence is what he needs to be able to carry on.
It works fine only so long until he realizes how much it actually irritates him that Jack wants or expects nothing from him – or that she keeps expecting him to stab her in the back, just like everyone else has in her life. It is a painful realisation, as well as the one he knew all along: the freedom was just an illusion.
So, working out it is again and the punching bag receives yet another well-aimed blow… but Shepard feels as if it's him who is losing.