Here it is for those of you who have been asking for it...the next chapter early.

To M - no skanky chick here
To the other M - I want a scream!

You guys are awesome with all your feedback! I love when I check my phone at work and have a new comment...makes my nights at work go faster.

Can't wait til I wake up this afternoon and read the comments and look at the visitor stats. I think it is amazing that I actually have readers in countries like Lebanon and Iceland. I look at the number of readers from different countries more than I look at overall visitor stats.

So, enjoy the chapter...and make my night at work go fast :)

CHAPTER 13
Lost It

Normally when the guys notice me walk into Shorty's for lunch they all start scooting around to make room for me. I know they noticed me. They notice everything, always aware of their surroundings. As I walked towards the table not one of them was scooting anywhere. In matter of fact not one of them looked up and waved or made eye contact with me either.

The dreadful empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that had started to fill over the weekend was starting to empty back out. I really wish Lester was here right now. It would have been great to have him beside me. As much of a struggle as it was, I kept my head held high as I walked to the tables. Though I really wanted to turn tail and run. I took notice of who was all there. Tank, Bobby, Hal, Vince, Cal, Binky, Bones, Zero, Junior and some part timers were in the booths. Woody, Ram, Hector and Lester and a couple more of the part timers were the guys unaccounted for. I knew at least two of them had to be back at Rangeman manning the monitors.

"Hey guys, what's up?" I asked them trying to keep the shaking nervousness of my voice under control.

All I got were a few grumbles and mumbles in response. OK, now I was getting pissed.

"Can I sit and have lunch with you guys?" I don't know why I bothered asking that, it was already obvious to me I wasn't welcome.

Once again the grumbles came Some of the guys looked my way but wouldn't make direct eye contact. Tank and Bobby were silent and kept looking down, not even so much as a glance in my direction. And not one of them moved. Of all the guys at the table these were the ones I knew the longest, the ones I worked with the most.

My blood pressure was rising. I was shaking, my heart was racing. It was like I could feel the blood racing through my veins at maximum speed.

"Is there a problem?" My glare was mostly directed at Tank and Bobby, but I glanced at the others as well.

I heard of few mumbles again.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't here you. Could you speak up? What's the problem?"

"You are." Came a voice from the back of the table. I think it was Junior or Vince.

"I'm the problem?" I pointed at myself. "And what the fuck did I do to you guys, that I'm the problem?" I directed my question towards the back of the table where the comment came from.

"You drove Ranger off, you made him leave and now everything is going crazy." Junior finally answered.

I stared at him in shock. "I drove Ranger off? Are you serious?"

Victor jumped in. "How long did you think he was going to stick around waiting for you to stop playing games with him?"

Seriously?

My face had to have a look of utter shock on it. "Playing games with him?" I questioned in a strained, scratchy voice trying to keep my composure.

"You've been stringing him along for years now. You throw yourself at him, playing poor helpless little Stephanie. You share his bed. Then go running back to Joe. How long did you think he was going to stand by and let it happen?" I couldn't believe these words were coming out of Juniors mouth.

"That is really what you guys think has been going on?" I barely got out in a voice just louder than a whisper.

There were small barely there nods around the table, but I noticed every one of them. Bobby and Tank couldn't even look at me. Out of all of the guys at the table, I was sure one of these two would speak up and at the least offer some defense for me. No one at this table knew what Ranger's and my relationship was. They were just assuming, but just knowing that they beleive I could use Ranger like that was just...just, I don't know. I coudn't beleive it. Tank had his elbows resting on the table with his head in his hands, rubbing his temples.

So all these years they were just pretending to like me?

"You guys really believe that is what kind of person I am?" I didn't wait for any responses this time before continuing. The answer was already there in their actions.

"Alright." I nodded in acceptance, biting my lip and sucking it into my mouth. I'm to shocked to be hurt, I am just totally pissed, angry, irritated, enraged, irate, and furious all rolled into one giant ball. Tears of frustration threatened to fall from my eyes, I was fighting to keep my eyes dry and my pride in tact. There was absolutely no way in hell I was giving them the satisfaction of shedding a tear here in front of them.

I took a deep breath before speaking again. "Let me ask all of you something then before I leave." I waited for everyone of them to look up at me. Tank, Bobby and Hal were looking up from the table but not at me. I slammed my hand on the table. "I SAID ALL OF YOU!"

All their eyes snapped forward at me.

"Was any of it real? Or have you all just been pretending to be my friend then these last few years? Being nice to me, letting me in your lives, putting up with me 'using' Ranger." I made finger quotes in the air.

Not one of them responded to me. They all just continued looking at me.

"You guys really are good, you even had me fooled." Once again no response. I shook my head. "Never mind" I said with a wave of my hand and I turned to walk away.

No wait, I'm not done yet. I'm pissed, I've already had a bad day and the Italian in me is going to let them know it. In a quick movement I turned back towards them.

"You know what?" I said and took time to look at each one of them. "If that is really what you believe, then you aren't the men I know and love."

Oh, that got a reaction from most of them, even Tank and Bobby's eyes went wide.

"In matter of fact, I feel like I don't know you guys at all. You are strangers to me." I could see the change in their expressions.

What was it? Pity? Compassion? Regret?

I don't know and I don't really care right now. Whatever it is, I don't want it. I was looking at them now, but not really seeing them.

"So from now on when you see me or pass me up on the streets or anywhere else, you just make like you don't know me. Look the other direction and keep walking." I paused. "And don't worry, I will do the same."

On that note I turned and walked away. I wanted to run. I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. But I didn't want them to see me run. Tears were clouding my eyes. I pushed the door open and turned the corner out of sight before I took off in a run to my car. I just needed to get out of here. I wasn't looking where I was going and literally ran right into Hector.

"Chica!" Hector questioned using the name he gave me years ago and grabbed hold of me as I stumbled backwards, . Hector was the only one at Rangeman who didn't have a military background. All of his skills were learned on the streets, in the gangs. Being smaller than most of the other Merry Men didn't make him any less threatening. In matter of fact I would be more scared to run into Hector in a dark alley than any one of the other Merry Men.

We have managed to become friends even though he only spoke and understood spanish.

"Cual es el problema?" I knew enough spanish words to know what 'problema' meant.

I couldn't hold it in and it all came out in a big gush of words running together. "TheyHateMe." I took a quick breath. "TheyallthinkI'vebeenusingRanger. TheythinkImaslut." I was breathing hard trying to get words out and trying not to cry. "You probably h...h...ha...hate me too."

Then it finally hit me that I was speaking to someone who couldn't even understand me. This realization caused me catch my breath. I stepped back and leaned up against the wall of the building. My head tilted back in exhaustion.

Tiredly I said. "What am I saying? You can't even understand me. You probably don't even know what's going on, or you'd be in there with them now instead of out here with me."

Hector surprised me by pulling me close to him, his mouth close to my ear. "Chica, I could never hate you. And I know exactly what's going on, always have from the day I overheard Ranger send you back to Joe. Hector sees and hears everything."

I pulled back in surprise, wiping the one tear that fell from my eye when hector told me he could never hate me. "You speak English!"

"Perfectly. Understand it too. But that's our secret." He put his finger to my lips, indicating that it wasn't a secret to share. I nodded to him letting him know I understood.

Lester just pulled up and ran over to me. He didn't have a chance to say anything to me before Hector started filling him in on what was going on, in spanish of course.

Lester wiped his hand down his face in frustration before reaching for me. He pulled me into a hug, one that has become a place of comfort for me. "I'm sorry, I was trying to call you earlier so I could tell you what was going on, but we were playing phone tag. I didn't know you were coming here for lunch until I got your message."

"It's not your fault." I responded in a flat voice. He spoke to Hector again in Spanish, then walked me to my car.

"Go with Hector and get some lunch, I will meet you when I am done here." I started to speak so I could tell him not to go in there and defend me but he stopped me. "Go, I need to talk business with Tank and Bobby."

I slowly walked to my car. I was moving but it was like someone else was working the controls. Shock, I still couldn't beleive what just happened. Numbly climbing into the car, I managed to buckle myself in. Hector took the wheel, I didn't bother to ask where we were going. As we pulled away from the curb I reached to turn the radio up loud, then leaned my head back against the seat trying to clear it. I don't want to think about anything, just want it all to go away and back to the way it was before Ranger left. I was so pissed off, that it was taking all I had to hold it all in. I felt like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

We were driving for a while when I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. I pulled it out, flipped it open and looked at the display. It was Tank. I clicked reject and stuck the phone back in my pocket. He couldn't speak to me or stand up for me back at Shorty's in front of everyone, but he wants to talk to me now. I don't think so! I turned my head, resting my forehead on the window. My pocket started vibrating again. I pulled it out of my pocket and flipped it open. Tank again. Reject call. I went to put my phone back in my pocket and didn't even get it in before it went off again.

"What the hell?" I said outloud drawing a look from Hector.

Once again it was Tank. Reject again. When it buzzed again I lost it a bit and flipped it open, and gripped the two sides with each of my hands and snapped it in half. I could see Hector still watching me out of the corner of my eye. Once it was completely in half I unrolled the window and threw it outside. After rolling the window back up I resumed my previous position with my head resting on the window. I was thankful that Hector didn't say anything. Right now I wasn't in the mood to talk. I just watched the scenery go by as Hector drove.

Surprise! Surprise! Hector's phone started ringing. Gee, I wonder who that could be. He was speaking in spanish, but the word 'no' was the same in both languages and he said it more than once in the conversation before ending it. I'm sure glad I still have Hector as a friend.

We pulled up at McDonalds. And there I sat. I knew we had stopped but just didn't want to move. Didn't want to do anything, except sit and think of nothing. Then Hector opened my door slightly. I either had to sit up or fall out. Yeah, I chose to sit up. When Hector pulled the door open all the way and put his hand out towards me, I accepted it and got out of the car.

Inside I ordered me a Big Mac meal with a large fry, a coke and a large chocolate shake. Hector placed his order, collected our food and carried it to a table. We sat across from each other in one of the booths. I quickly engulfed the Big Mac and chocolate shake before starting on my fries. I sat there with my elbow on the table, my hand propping my head up robotically feeding the fries into my mouth.

Everyone has limits, and these limits can only be pushed so far. My limits have not only been pushed, but pulled as well. Pulled and pushed to the point that I have bull dozed right through them. Things have changed inside me. I could feel it. I was no longer the same Stephanie I was before.

I have yet to learn if the change is for the better of for the worse.

Once I reached the bottom of my fry box, I pushed it aside, reached across the table feeding myself a fry at a time from Hector's supply. He didn't say anything, just let me sit and eat. Lester showed up as I was eating Hector's fries. I was sitting in the center of my seat, Hector slid over and Lester sat next to him. I could hear them talking quietly between themselves. Lester's eyes were on me, watching me. But I just couldn't bring myself to look at him. I don't know why. If I talked about what happened right now, I would lose it.

What am I talking about I already lost it.

It started with my mother, lost her.

Then my sister. Lost her.

My neices. Lost them.

Ranger took off. Lost him.

Now the Merry Men, except for two. Lost them.