The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.13)
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.
Ando is walking down the corridor to a hospital, he turns into Hiro's room.
Hiro: Ando! You've come to visit. How kind…
Ando: You do realize this is your 12th trip to the hospital.
Hiro: Oh well, it's not like they're going to notice.
Intercom: Dr. Miller, please report to The Nakamura Wing. Dr. Miller to the Nakamura wing, please.
Ando: They named a wing after you?
Hiro: You get that on your 6th visit.
Ando: So…let me make sure I have this. You were fighting Dimitri back at the warehouse….then a mountain lion comes in and tells you something. You then head off to this place called Bongo Island and manipulate time and space to alter the position of the moon for some undisclosed reason.
Hiro: ….yes?
Ando: I've heard crazier things.
Claire runs into her house, the Bennet's are in the living room.
Claire: Hello, hello!
Noah: And what has you in such a good mood, Claire Bear?
Claire: My old school…you know….the old stomping grounds back in my day…
Lyle: Didn't you graduate like, 6 months ago?
Claire: They are inviting me back to teach!
Sandra: ….
Lyle: ….
Noah: ….
Muggles: ….
Claire: ….Cheerleading!
Sandra: Oh…
Lyle: Ah…
Noah: That makes sense.
Claire: Hmm….anyway, can you imagine….the cheerleaders of tomorrow….shaped by my wisdom and experience.
Lyle: It's just Cheerleading. Calm down, spaz.
Claire: You calm down!
Claire and Lyle start slapping each other.
5 minutes of fighting later….Lyle limps on crutches back to his room while Claire (who has a portion of her hair tied in a giant knot) proceeds into her bedroom.
Claire: I better get started.
Downtown, Nathan walks into his office to start a brand new day of Mayoring.
Nathan: What the hell!
Stuff is being town down….Tracy is packing up things in a box.
Tracy: Oh, hello Nathan.
Nathan: Uh…Tracy? What is going on here?
Tracy: You were impeached out of office.
Nathan: Impeached?
Tracy: The people have spoken.
Nathan: The people?
Tracy: You didn't attend the cities most prestigious event honoring Twilight, 'Twi-Con 2010'.
Nathan: Twilight?
Tracy: Tons of people love that book/movie….they wanted their mayor to do the same.
Nathan: That's absurd. I can like whatever I want! And Twilight isn't one of them. All the people need now is a leader; they can't throw me out of office.
Nathan runs over to the window.
Nathan: People of New York. Your mayor has returned!
Passerby: Do you like Twilight?
Nathan: Uh..no.
Later on the curb, Nathan is crying into his now fully grown beard while Tracy holds the box.
Nathan: I can't believe they threw me out of office. I didn't think they could do that for such a stupid reason.
Tracy: Well, it's been nice working for you.
Nathan: You're leaving?
Tracy: Uh….yeah, have to find a job and all.
Nathan: We still have work to do…watch!
Nathan runs over and sets up a '5 Cent Psychiatric Help Booth'. A bald man wearing a yellow and black zig zag shirt sits down.
Charlie: I don't know what to do. My wife and kids left me for Linus…lost the house in the divorce….and I'm starting to smell worse than Pig Pen!
Nathan: Oh Charlie Brown…You Blockhead!
Nathan looks over to see Tracy has already left.
Nathan: Hmm…
He looks at Charlie Brown.
Nathan: Hey, you read the sign….5 cents, pal!
He holds up a can reading:
Chapter Thirteen 'The Fall'
We pan out into outer space, where a wild asteroid is making its way towards Earth.
= = = Heroes = = =
Nathan is throwing some clothes into a suitcase. Peter is helping him pack.
Peter: Man, bro….that really sucks you got kicked out of office.
Nathan: The people have spoken….The people are nuts….
Peter: What are you going to do?
Nathan: I don't know….I was hoping there was a certain brother…
Peter: ….
Nathan: ….a certain brother who would help me out…
Peter: ….
Nathan: …who would let me move in…
Peter: …..
Nathan: ….Peter, I need to move in with you.
Peter: ….Are you trying to say something?
Nathan: I just said it.
Peter: Nathan, you can talk to me, bro. Anything you need…just ask.
Nathan: I JUST ASKED IT!
Peter: Don't be shy…we're family. Here is my card….call me….I'm here for you.
Nathan: This is a Subway Sandwich Card….and it's been used.
Peter: And I did it for you….
Nathan: Well, that's just great! Where am I supposed to…?
Peter: …
Nathan: Oh no….
Peter nods.
Nathan: Not….not…..No! There is no way in hell I am staying with…
A door opens.
Nathan: MA! My aren't you looking lovely today!
Angela: Aw…how sweet.
She slams the door in Nathan's face.
Nathan (to a passerby): She's so supportive.
Elsewhere, a car pulls up into the driveway of D.L's house. Niki gets out of the car to find Matt and Mohinder sitting in an empty plot where the house used to be.
Niki: AHHH!...EHHH!...What?...What! What is this?...What's going on?
Mohinder: Uh oh, Niki's back.
Matt: Hold your breath, she won't see us.
Niki walks up to them.
Niki: Where is the house!
Matt: They took it!
Niki: Who?
Mohinder: The bank, I'm assuming. D.L's in prison and none of us have jobs so who was paying the mortgage?
Niki: …..Uh…..
Mohinder: Pretty much.
Niki: Well….now what?
Matt: I have the perfect job for us…..
Niki: Oh no. I don't think so….the last time you got us jobs we had to design Claire's prom dress!
= = =A few years ago= = =
Niki: You know…I'm glad we're helping out Claire and all….but do we have to wear these ridiculous outfits?
Matt: By order of Disney, we have to look like the Sleeping Beauty Fairies…
Niki is dressed as Flora, The Red Fairy.
Mohinder is dressed as Fauna, The Green Fairy.
Matt is dressed as Merryweather, The Blue Fairy.
Niki: Whatever….this dress just needs a finishing touch…
Niki takes out her wand and zaps the dress. It changes color.
Niki: Pink is perfect!
Matt: Oh, dream on, sister….it needs to be….
Matt zaps the dress.
Matt: Blue!
Niki: Hey, I have seniority over you. Step off!
She changes it back to pink. Matt changes it to Blue.
Matt: Obviously not.
Mohinder: Guys….do we have to fight….it's supposed to be Green.
Mohinder zaps the dress.
Niki: Shut up, Mohinder!
She zaps Mohinder, whose fairy dress turns pink. He zaps her back.
Niki: How dare you!
ZAP!
Mohinder: You foolish shrew!
ZAP!
Matt: Let's change this dress back to the way it was…..Blue!
Niki: Don't touch that dress!
ZAP!
Matt: Hey….grr…Why you little…
ZAP!
Niki: Take that!
ZAP!
Mohinder: AHH! You got me in the face…my face is pink! Oh no, no, no, no….
ZAP!
Mohinder: Quit it!
ZAP!
Mohinder: STOP ZAPPING ME!
Claire walks in….shocked. Niki, Mohinder and Matt look at her. They look at the dress which exploded in a million pieces of multi colored cloth.
Claire: My dress!
Matt: No worries….
Matt scoops up some of the pieces….and runs over and throws them in Claire's face.
Matt: You. Look. Amazing!...Right, guys?
Niki and Mohinder: Yeah….Oh yeah….definitely….sure….stunning…..yeah….
Claire: …..
= = =End= = =
Later, at The Company.
Noah: Curses!
He slams his fist on his desk. Elle peeks her head in his office.
Elle: Problems, Mr. B?
Noah: The Company is hemorrhaging money! We need to get things flowing or we'll be in big trouble.
Elle: You'll have to stay at home full time…..with the Missus.
Noah has quick flashbacks of Sandra forcing him to potty train Mr. Muggles using the toilet.
Noah (catatonic): No…..not again….
Elle: Mr. B?...(she snaps her fingers)….Oh crap, I broke him.
DING! DONG!
Elle: OOOH! A customer!
Elle runs to the front door of the office and opens it to find Micah.
Elle: Micah Sanders?...What are you doing here?
Micah: I have a business proposition for you.
A suspicious Elle looks on in suspense….we zoom dramatically close to her face. Her check smashes up against the screen.
Elle: Seriously, Bill, you need to learn how to use that zoom function…
Nathan is lying down in his old bunk bed at Angela's house.
Nathan: I sure am glad ma was able to let me stay over.
Peter: You said it, Bro.
Nathan: I was talking to myself….wait….Peter? What the hell?
Nathan rolls out of the bottom bunk and looks at Peter on the top bunk, with a blanket over his head, holding a flashlight over a book.
Nathan: What are you doing?
Peter: What does it look like? I'm reading 'The Nancy Drew Mysteries: The Clue Is In The Pudding'. It's about this world famous chef who gets murdered in his own kitchen. (He turns to his book)….Chapter 1: The Butler Did It…UGH! What a rip-off!
Nathan: THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!...Why are you here? Don't you have a home!
Peter: Rude…..well…..it's this whole…big mess…..I'd rather not get into it.
Nathan: So….we both have to stay here?
Peter: Pretty much…..
Nathan: Groan….
Matt runs over to Niki and Mohinder, who are sitting on the side of the road.
Matt: Guess what! Janice is a realtor; she is able to get us a sweet condo downtown.
Niki: Really? How much?
Matt: 3 bed, 3 bath….pretty sweet gig.
Niki: The price, doofus.
Matt: Um….she didn't mention that….I think I get a discount for…..you know….. since we used to be married. I think we get it for free!
Niki: I've never heard of 100 percent off ex-husband discounts.
Matt: Niki….it's 2010….times have changed…..
Niki: uh huh…..
Meanwhile, at Matt's new condo.
Niki: Wow, Matt. I have to hand it to you. This place looks fantastic.
Matt: Yeah, I know.
Niki: Well…Now that we have this new place we'll have to get jobs of course…
Mohinder: Because that worked so well a few chapters ago.
Niki: I don't care what you two do. I have dreams, dammit!
Elle opens the office door to find Niki standing there.
Elle: Sis!
Niki: I'm not your sister. I want my job back.
Elle: Sure! You'll have to take it up with the new management. We've been bought out.
Niki: Who in the world would buy The Company? HA! HA!...
Niki is sitting across from her interviewer…Micah.
Niki: …ha?
Micah: Good Afternoon, Mrs. Sanders…..or Mom! Hee, hee….
Niki: This isn't weird at all. Micah, what are you doing here?
Micah: I took our resources from the Third Generation and merged with The Company. I bought them out!
Niki: You can do that!
Micah: Sure! So….I'm sure we can start you off tomorrow.
Niki: Great! So….since I'm an agent again, who's my partner? HA! HA!...
Niki is sitting across from Mohinder at her desk.
Niki: …ha?...UGH!
Mohinder: Why, hello there, Niki! I didn't know you got a job here too.
Niki: I have to do desk work! Where is Noah?
Mohinder: He's the sandwich guy. Ooh! It's lunch time!
Noah: SANDWICH!
Niki gets pelted in the back of the head with a turkey sandwich.
Niki: OW!...Well….what's Elle doing?
Mohinder: She's the backup generator in case the electricity goes out.
Niki: Some girls have all the luck.
Micah walks out of his office.
Micah: Attention! We have an emergency on our hands. As you all know, thanks to something stupid Hiro did, an asteroid is hurdling toward Earth. We are going to have a meeting on this. I need The Haitian, The Backup Generator, and The Sandwich guy to report to my office immediately.
Niki: HEY!
Micah closes the door.
Micah: Okay, guys. What have you got?
Noah: Well, it's obvious that when this asteroid hits….millions of people are going to die.
Elle: Yes, they are!
Micah: Elle has a point. We need to nip this in the bud.
Noah: Hey, I said that! Not her!
Micah: Any suggestions?
Noah: Well, going through the archives we need someone who can blow up the asteroid.
Micah: As in….they have the ability?
Noah: Yes…And if Elle would like to take credit on anything else I'm pointing out.
Elle: Nah, I'm good.
Noah: This is the man for the job.
Noah plops a yellow envelope on Micah's desk. He opens it up to find a picture of Ted Sprague.
Micah: Uh….isn't he….?
Noah: Don't worry about it. We'll get him.
Elle and The Haitian nod. Elle is eating a sandwich.
Noah: HEY! You have to pay for that.
Elle: Pay for what?
Elle crams the rest of the sandwich in her mouth. She immediately starts choking.
Micah: Okay, team. Let's move out.
Noah and The Haitian run out of the office while Elle flops on the floor, finally coughing out her sandwich.
Elle: Ugh…..jerks.
To Be Continued…