Chapter Thirteen

Fear of the Nameless

Fall 1

I turned over onto my stomach, trying to re-position myself to help me fall asleep, but the silence is what prevented me from sleeping. The house was too quiet, not even the chime of the grandfather clock could be heard, and that made me uncomfortable, I flipped back onto my back and stared at the ceiling, or what I can assume was the ceiling in the pitch blackness of the room. It was too quiet. What time was it? I turned my head to the clock. Eleven fifty. Seriously? It wasn't even midnight and I couldn't sleep? Shit son. I thought and rolled out the bed making my way towards the kitchen. Maybe I could make me some hot tea and that could help with my insomnia? Masonic? Nah, can't be called that, that was like a person of free trade or something. Had to be insomnia, I think. Shit I couldn't even think properly. The silence never woke me up before, was there something else keeping me awake? What was I dreaming about right before I woke up? I thought and furrowed my eyebrows as I pulled a mug down, seeing a small chip around the rim of the mug. Oh, that's right, it was another one of those nights where I replayed that night over again in my head. Fucking Shane, bastard chipped my mug, I thought to myself trying to force myself to be angry at him...Which...I suppose since that night wasn't as hard...But was? Did that make sense? I suppose I should write that one down for the shrink, I'm certain he would have something dumb to say about that, like how my 'inner desires for acceptance with Shane is making me feel less sympathetic and more aggression towards him.' Yea, he WOULD say something like that. I should call Analise, then again she would probably twist that, saying that I needed to bang him and move on with my life. What about Jager? Jager would say that he would shoot him, hide the body and pretend like nothing happened. Ansel, what would he say? 'Listen punk ass, you can blame me all you want, but know this, I know where you sleep at night, and I'm not afraid of putting a bullet in between your eyes.' I let out a long groan of frustration. Fuck, they weren't even here and they were all annoying me.

"Having troubles sleeping? Or you just like to have internal arguments with yourself?" A voice asked causing me to jump and drop the mug to the ground, the mug finally shattering. I whipped around to see a young man, no older than myself, sitting at my bar, his right leg resting on top of his left leg, his black hair short and his brown eyes dark and trying to bore holes into my head. He was sitting back in the chair precariously, and I felt my heart drop, stop beating, then start back up beating, what my mom would say, a hundred miles a minute.

"Paulie," I said breathlessly. "What are you doing here?" The man rolled his shoulders, his eyebrows furrowing.

"You mean to tell me that you aren't happy to see me?" He asked, pretending to be hurt standing up.

"Tha-that's not it at all~" I stammered as he paced back and forth in the front of me. He stopped and turned to me.

"Then what is the problem?" He asked and I took a deep breath.

"Well~" I started backing into my counter as he made his way towards me, looming over me. "I-I~" I tried to start again but felt every part of me stiffen as he placed a hand on the counter top on either side of me.

"Did you really think that I would not find you? Did you really think that you could hide, make a new life and try to blend in without me knowing about it?" He asked bending forward. I tried backing up more, but Jill, the counter is right there, I thought feeling my own back dig into the counter top as I tried dodging Paulie. He grabbed my face roughly bending closer.

"I know every step you take, avoiding me is like trying to put out a forest fire with a cup of water," he whispered. Paulie said shit like that, shit that didn't make sense, but DID make sense.

"Paulie I wasn't trying to avoid you, I just~" smack, Paulie's hand struck the side of my face, and I felt my cheek split open. I held it gingerly looking at Paulie, fear written across my face.

"Sometimes looking at your face annoys me," he replied.

"Then don't look at it! Go away!" I shouted, and regretted it as I got another strike across my face. I went to fight back when he grabbed my wrist cocking his head to the side.

"Were you going to try hitting me?" Paulie asked, his hand tightening around my wrist. I winced.

"No," I said trying to recover from what I replied.

"Good, because you know as well as I do that it wouldn't be good for you if you did," he replied caressing my hand, and I felt myself start to hyperventilate. "It would be awful if something happened to you," he added slamming my hand down on the counter, snapping my wrist in half. I cried out in pain grabbing my wrist and sinking to my knees. Paulie took a step back glaring down at me.

"Yea, that would be a disaster," he said and I winced up at him staring down the barrel of a handgun.

"Paulie, please don't," I begged, but he just shook his head.

"Sorry kid, but someone, somewhere has to pay for what happened on that day," he said and I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. I crumpled forward almost in tears.

"Paulie please!" I begged again as he pointed his gun at my head.

"Sorry Kid, mistakes like those are what get you killed," he replied pulling the trigger one last time...

I woke up with a scream, drenched in cold sweat. Another nightmare, they had been coming more frequently than I would have liked, and they were typically about the same thing. I turned over and looked at the clock, it was three in the morning. I threw back the covers and climbed out of bed. Mind as well try to get some work done, there was no way I would be able to get back to sleep anyway. I thought to myself and made my way to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee.

I was sitting out by the river, fishing line sitting in the water and I was rocking back and forth. I had been fishing for quite some time now, actually I lost track of time, it was dark when I started to fish and now it was light out. Soo a few hours? I think.

"Jill?" A voice asked and I tilted my head backwards to look up at the concerned face of Emily.

"Emily! Hey, hi, hey Emily, how's it going?" I replied and Emily took a step back.

"Are you okay?" She asked and I nodded my head vigorously.

"Yea yea, sure sure. I'm cool, like a cucumber. Or Iceberg lettuce? Or ice in a freezer?"

"Why are you talking like you had three cups of coffee Jill?" She asked sitting next to me.

"Oh not cups, pots. I had three pots of coffee."

"...Why?"

"Night is when the nameless ones come out."

"...Wh-what?"

"The nameless ones. You know...Nightmares..." I replied with a whisper leaning in closer to her.

"Oh...Why are you by the river?"

"I'm done the farm work for the day. The cows are watered, and the plants are fed. I didn't have anything else to do."

"But...It's...six in the morning..."

"Yeayeayea, yea. I've been up since three," I said nodding my head vigorously. Emily frowned.

"What are you having nightmares about? Shane?"

"Pfft. Shane? As if, that little bitch is not going to get all my soul. I told him a secret and he yelled at me. So he can take it and suck it," I replied with a frown and looked up when I saw him walking by. I glared at him and he glared back.

"Bitch is NOT taking my soul!" I exclaimed shaking my fist at him and he continued to walk by shaking his head.

"Soo, none of your behavior lately is based off of what happened between you and Shane? Which, just saying, I don't know what happened just that you two got into a fight."

"Nope, nothing with that soulless douche-nozzle." Emily let out a sigh and stood up pulling me to my feet.

"Come on," she said walking me to her house. "You're going to have a caffeine crash and fall in the river resulting in your drowning," Emily replied and I shook my head.

"Nono, probably not...Probably," I replied as Emily sat me down on the sofa. She sat across from me.

"So talk. You claim that you're not having nightmares about Shane, so what are you having nightmares about?" I looked down at my feet.

"I had an accident a few years back," I started and Emily nodded her head. "I use to have this good friend that I met when I reopened the community center, he moved in with his mother, before long he signed up with the military and he was shipped off. I gave him my word that I would take care of his mother...Only she passed in the same accident that took several of my other friends from the center...You know...the hardest thing to do is write to a soldier saying that when they come back they will never get to see their mother again," I said looking down at my hands that were shaking rapidly. Emily put a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you afraid to face him? Is that why you're having nightmares?" I shook my head.

"No...A few months after I returned home from the accident, he came back home, he broke into the apartment that my brother and I had...And...Well...It wasn't exactly a pleasant scene," I replied.

"Jill...He...Hurt you?"

"Yea..."

"Are you afraid that he comes back? That he finds you again?"

"No..." I said just barely glancing up at her, "He's never coming back...When Jager got a call that our apartment had been broken into, he came in with the cavalry and...Paulie blew his own head off," I said trying to keep my composure. Emily frowned and pulled me into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry Jill~"

"Please don't...If I had only said no, none of this would have happened...I wouldn't have this problem."

"...But...Then you would have never come to town...And you would have never met any of us...Don't all bad things happen for a reason? A reason for something greater to happen?" I understood what Emily was trying to say, but it didn't make me feel less guilty about what happened. I stood up and Emily followed my movements.

"I um...I need to get back home...I put the animals out and I need to make sure that they stayed in the fence," I said making my way to the door. It was an excuse obviously, what I needed to do was run around the town and try to get rid of some of the excess energy I had. Emily knew it was an excuse, she really didn't want me to go, to be alone, but it was what I wanted.

"Jill~" she started and I looked back at her. "Don't do something that you might regret later." I nodded my head.

"Of course," I said shutting the door quietly behind me, and jogged my way back to my farm, the long way.

I stepped on my farm and stopped.

"Who's here?" I said loudly my hands twitching still. Vincent's head popped up from behind my crops.

"I'm here!" He exclaimed a goofy grin on his face, he looked like a younger version of Sam, and it was absolutely adorable. I smiled.

"Oh."

"Me too!" Jaz replied popping up from behind a row of corn.

"Oh! There's another one of you!" I exclaimed looking at Jaz as the two kids giggled. "What are you doing here giggling like some little school kids?" I questioned placing my hands on my hip and the kids giggled again.

"We wanted to see if you would play with us!" Vincent replied and Jaz nodded her head.

"Totally." I nodded.

"Fair enough," I replied and the kids squealed with delight. Maybe being with someone that was innocent and saw the world as it was instead of what it should be was just what I needed. Maybe I could forget, even if it was just for a little while.

Later that evening

"Vince are you sure you don't want me to walk you home?" I asked as I started to walk the kids home. Jaz had collapsed and I picked her up gently. Vincent shook his head.

"Nah, I can do this with no problems! I've done it before."

"Ok," I said as I watched him walk passed Marnie's ranch and back into town. I opened the door and walked into Marnie's home looking around. I didn't see anyone around and decided to go put Jaz in her room for her to sleep, when I heard Marnie almost shouting. I frowned and closed Jaz's door quietly trying to find Marnie. She was in Shane's room, and I walked in cautiously. Shane was on the floor turning away from Marnie, who was trying to get him off the floor. Finally she turned to me frowning.

"Jill, is there something that you can do?"

"Marnie...I don't know if~"

"Please Jill," she begged and finally I sighed and looked around, before walking out Shane's room and into the kitchen to grab a cup and fill it with water. Marnie watched me as I walked over to Shane and dumped the water on his head. Shane shook his head glaring up at me. I glanced at Marnie.

"Do you think you can give us a moment?" I asked and Marnie nodded walking out the room. I sat down next to Shane on my knees pushing Shane's hair out his face.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked and Shane glared at me.

"I'm useless," he replied turning away from me and I let out a sigh.

"Why?"

"All I do is work, drink, rinse and repeat. I have nothing in my life anymore. I don't have a family, I can't even make friends," he said. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"My mom use to say...Sometimes...We fall...And it hurts...Sometimes from that fall we break something, but with a break you can reset it and it heals sometimes better than it was before. When we are at our worse, it means that we've already fallen, and we've broken something, and that the pain we feel right now is us trying to reset that break."

"What if the break can never heal?" I shrugged.

"What would life be if we didn't have a bump in the road. Pain is the worse thing that a person can feel and try to endure, everyone handles pain in a different way, and it is the longest process to move on from. You have to endure the pain. Eventually everything gets better."

"Well, nothing's gotten better for me, and I don't think that will ever change, hopefully I won't be around for much longer to deal with the pain, or to cause anyone else pain." I frowned.

"Shane~"

"What?! No! You can't! Stop thinking like that!" A little voice shouted and we both turned to see Jaz standing in the doorway to Shane's room, tears streaming from her eyes. I felt my heart break as the little girl ran off.

"Wait, no, Jaz," Shane called and put his head in his hands frustrated. "Shit! Fuck!" he shouted then turned to me glaring again.

"Shane~"

"Get out! Just get the fuck out! Leave me alone!" He shouted shoving me roughly towards the door. "I don't need you, just get out!"

"Fine.." I said softly, once again, hurt by his words I started to walk away when I stopped and looked over my shoulder at him. "The world is a flawed sick place and doesn't know how to not hurt someone. It's a sick and twisted affair that we have to live with. Its a world of hurt, but there is also comfort." I tried to help him. I did, but it seemed as though he didn't care for me enough to want me to help him. I made my way home. I've been trying to take my mom's advice the last four years, I was waiting for my reset to be done with. I was ready for the break to heal. Sebastian was right though, you can't live a life hoping that you could please everyone. I just had to deal with the nightmares in the meantime. My shrink would say that the next step would be to open up to someone who was willing to accept my faults, my past...Me.