A/N: This chapter was majorly influenced by the song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, which majorly influenced the character of Beastward as well. S.M. owns Twilight, kdillin is my badass beta.

"I don't know how to do this," I said, pacing around the kitchen. Jasper stood, leaning against the doorframe with an amused look on his face. The moment Bella left to shower I started panicking about our dinner tonight.

"Edward Cullen worried about impressing a girl?" Jasper laughed. "Just be your usual charming self that I'm sure is in there somewhere. You know," he waved his hand, "woo her."

"Is that a new position or something?"

Jasper sighed and shook his head. "Lest we forget the only dates you ever had in high school were in the backseat of cars or an empty closet."

"I don't want it to be about that Jasper. I want to make her happy."

"You're already making her happy or she obviously wouldn't have agreed to have dinner with you. Pull out your mom's old recipe book. I'm sure we have the supplies to make at least something in there." He patted my back and left.

"Thanks for the help," I said sarcastically. I had no idea what I was doing. Jasper was right. I didn't really do the whole...date thing. I wasn't used to wanting anything except for sex from a girl and now that I did, I had no idea how to deal with it. I felt like a fucking nervous thirteen year old going on his first date and it was driving me to the brink of panic.

I reached for my mom's old cookbook and started flipping through it. I wasn't much of a cook, but I guess all I had to do was follow the instructions right? That can't be too complicated.

"What the fuck does zest mean?" I scratched my head and moved onto another recipe, hoping I could find one that I could understand. Maybe this was a bad idea.

I finally found something that looked easy enough so I started searching through the cabinets for everything I needed. Jasper had everything organized according to how he liked it so it took me a damn hour to find all the things I needed.

I pulled out a pan turned on the stove, just like the instructions said. I ran my fingers through my hair and swiped my finger along the words as I read through the recipe. I looked back at the pan, expecting the water to be boiling. It wasn't.

"What the fuck?" I leaned down and cautiously dipped my finger quickly in and out of the water to test it. Cold. I picked up the pan and waved my hand underneath it to see if there was anything coming from the burner. Nothing.

I tapped my foot and set the pan back down on the burner. I shook my head and ran my hands underneath the faucet so I could start preparing the food. When I was finished I wiped them off on a dishtowel and absentmindedly threw it back onto the counter before leaning over the recipe to skim through it again.

I stopped when something caught my attention. Some kind of shitty smell was getting stronger and stronger. I sniffed and turned around to find the towel ablaze on the burner. "Shit!" I screamed. I ran over and pinched the only part of it that wasn't on fire so I could throw it in the sink and douse it with water.

I heard someone laugh behind me and I turned around just in time to see her brown hair slip back into the hallway. I narrowed my eyes at the doorway and crept across the room. Once I reached it, I pressed myself flat against the wall and waited. A few moments later she tentatively peeked her head out and her brow furrowed when she realized I'd disappeared.

She gasped as I darted out, enveloped her waist in my hands and trapped her against the wall.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Nothing," she squeaked.

"I thought I told you to stay upstairs." I kinked my eyebrow.

"I got curious." She shrugged.

"Curious?" I rubbed my thumb against her hipbone.

"Yeah."

"Hmm," I mused. I bit down on my lip and nodded my head as I brushed my fingers up from her hipbones. She shivered and reached forward, looping her fingers through my belt loops. I scratched lightly at her ribs and quickly maneuvered over her breasts. I smirked and dipped one down the cleavage of her shirt, barely brushing along the top of her bra before I stepped back and crossed my arms.

"What are you doing?" She breathed with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"I got curious." I shrugged and went back into the kitchen. "Stay in your room."

"Fine."

I smiled when I heard her stomping up the stairs and I figured she'd stay up there like I told her to. I had plenty of other ways to torture her with curiosity if she decided otherwise.

I went back to the stove, switched the pot to the burner I'd actually turned on and started getting everything ready. Jasper eventually ambled through, raised his eyebrows at the charred towel in the sink and left without mumbling a single word.

Once everything was in the oven or simmering, whatever that means, I went upstairs to get ready.

I took a quick shower and started browsing through my shirts, my towel wrapped lightly around my waist. I wanted to look nice for her and I found myself getting anxious again.

I settled on a nice, black button up and shrugged it on as my towel fell to the ground with a soft thud. I pulled on some boxers and dress pants before picking my towel up off the ground and hanging it up in the bathroom. I leaned over the sink, examining the stubble on my face. I debated shaving, but decided in the end to keep it. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't see them, my scars I mean. Or at least they weren't the first thing I saw when I looked at my reflection.

There was a knock on the door and for a minute I thought maybe Bella had snuck over here.

"Edward?" Jasper poked his head inside. "I think your food is almost done. It smells fucking good."

"Really?" I stuck my head out of the bathroom. To be completely honest, I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out. I thought I might have to break out more Lucky Charms or something just in case shit went south.

"Yeah. Can you save me some leftovers or something?" He stepped into the bathroom. "Pulling out the big guns huh?"

"There's nothing wrong with looking nice." I button the sleeves on my shirt and glanced up at him in the mirror. "And I'll save you food as long as you do me a favor. I didn't have time to do it earlier."

"Okay."

"It's about the greenhouse." I elaborated my plan to him and he instantly agreed to do it, even though it required a bit of work on his part.

"How'd you come up with that?" He asked when I was finished.

"I don't know. Turned on my romance switch I guess."

"It's fucking brilliant." He laughed and left the room.

I went through my bathroom cabinets three more times before I decided I was ready. I guess I was stalling, trying to find something else to do other than go to her. I didn't want to mess this up and I had this gut feeling that I was somehow going to ruin everything. I'd come to know myself as nothing but a virus, a vicious dark mass that taints everything it touches. I don't want to taint her. I want her to stay just the way she is.

I took a deep breath and walked out into the hallway. Jasper was already rummaging around in the attic as I walked to her room, trying to find what he needed.

I raised my hand to knock on her door just as it flew open. She stood before me in a casual dress, the color of the sun on a summer day. It complimented her skin perfectly, giving her a soft glow behind her rosy blush. I couldn't help but notice my mother's necklace hanging from her neck like there was no other place it belongs than resting against her.

"Holy shit," I whispered.

"Is this not okay?" Her expression turned panicked. "I mean I didn't know what I was supposed to wear and this is the nicest thing I brought with me, I…"

I gently grabbed her wrist and smiled. "That 'Holy Shit' was a good thing. You look…beautiful."

"Oh." She cleared her throat. "Thanks." She took a moment to compose herself before she brushed her hand over my chest like she was appraising my shirt. "I'm sorry I guess I'm just a little nervous. You look very handsome."

We looked at each other, both wondering if we were supposed to kiss now. I was starting to think that second kisses were worse than first kisses on the awkward factor. At least the first time, you're excited at the prospect of the unknown. Now I didn't know what the fuck our relationship was or if I was allowed to just kiss her when I wanted. Because I wanted to.

"Dinner should be ready," I mumbled. I stuck my hands in my pockets and took a step towards the staircase. She closed her door and followed right behind me in silence. We finally made it downstairs and I noticed Jasper had set up some candles on the table. I didn't ask him to do that, but I made it a point to thank him later. It made the whole room look softer and since I'd apparently become a major pussy lately I guess it was appropriate.

"It smells really good," Bella said. She lifted her nose in the air like she was relishing the scent of the food. My eyes immediately went to her neck and the shadows of the valleys and peaks of her collarbone below. I licked my lips and smiled a little to myself.

Bella cleared her throat and I jumped a little in surprise when I realized she was staring back at me. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just…watching you." I thought for a moment that it sounded creepy, but that quickly passed. I wasn't ashamed.

"And what do you see?"

I sauntered towards her and ran my finger across the same collarbone I was admiring a moment before. "Strength," I whispered as I circled around her, my finger trailing gently behind. "Decadence…Fascination." I came to stand in front of her. "Beauty."

She closed her eyes and hummed a soft flutter so quiet that I barely heard it escape from her lips. My hand tightened ever so slightly on her shoulder, an involuntary reaction to her very presence. "God you are so sexy…" I whispered. She leaned down and pressed her lips against my arm.

"We better eat or the food is going to go to waste." I smirked apologetically and took her hand in mine as I led her to the table.

I pulled out her chair for her because that's what every good guy always did in the movies. I wanted to be the good guy for once. I was sick of being the villain.

I pulled the food out of the oven and dished it onto our plates as Bella watched anxiously from the table, peeking her head up as far as it would go. I laughed under my breath and shook my head at her frustration. She was fucking cute when she was antsy.

I carried both of our plates over to the table and set hers in front of her. "Bon Appetit." I set my plate down at the other side and popped the cork off of the bottle of wine I'd set out earlier. I poured us each a glass and sat down at my chair, instantly feeling the distance between us. I didn't understand tables like this. Why the hell do I want to sit six feet away from someone I'm eating dinner with? It was stupid.

Before I could say anything. Bella stood up and I got worried that something was wrong and she was going to leave. Instead she moved her plate and glass of wine closer to me and scooted her chair across the floor. "There," she said. "I didn't like being so far away from you."
We ate in relative silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable. I was genuinely starting to believe that the most meaningful conversations between two people come in the silence. Sure Bella and I had a lot of important things to actually talk about, but it was the words exchanged in the sound of silence that made me feel closer to her than ever.

I felt her staring every now and then. I'd finish chewing and casually look up at her. She'd lock eyes with me for a few moments, smile and then look down at her food almost embarrassed for being caught.

When I was finished, I found myself completely captivated by her; the way she twirled her fork around or the sound she made after every bite. I rested my head on my hand and waited contently for her to finish. As she did, she set her fork down and glanced up at me while her hands played with the napkin in her lap.

"I want to show you something. Will you go somewhere with me?"

"Yes."

I stood and held out my hand. "It's a long walk are you sure you're up for it."

"I'd go anywhere with you." Her hand tightened in mine and I swear I felt a warmth radiate from my chest.

"Are you sure?" I shook my head. "I mean it could be kind of a treacherous journey…" I opened up the backdoor and we stepped outside. "And we could be gone all night."

She kinked her eyebrow as I led her towards the greenhouse. I stopped in front of it and smiled. "We're here."

"Long and treacherous huh?"

"Okay I might have exaggerated that a little. But it's very possible we could be gone all night." I pushed the door open and pulled her inside. She crashed gently against my chest and I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"It's so dark in here," she mumbled.

"Turn on the lights." I smiled in the darkness and watched as her shadow leaned towards the light switch and flipped it on.

A thousand tiny lights flickered above us, almost like we were sitting under the brightest stars in the sky. Jasper had really outdone himself.

"Christmas lights?" She asked, stepping away from me. She slowly walked around the greenhouse, her eyes focused on the beautiful glow of the canopy of lights above her. "Did you do this?"

"Jasper helped." I shrugged and followed her around, always a step behind.

"It's...breathtaking. You didn't have to do all this." She turned towards me and smiled.

"Yes I did." I stepped forward and brushed my hand across her cheek. She leaned over and ran her finger over the tops of the roses, gently caressing each petal like it could shatter at any moment. "Bella I've never known anyone like you. I didn't want anyone to see me so I shut the whole world out. And now I find myself wanting to give everything...all of me...to you."

"Why me?" She mumbled, plucking a rose out and bringing it to her nose. "Why did you let me in? You could have pushed me away, kept me out like everyone else. Why me?"

I brushed her hair over her shoulder and leaned down to press my lips to her skin. "Because you wouldn't let me. And ever since I met you, I wanted you to know me. Even when I was fighting it." I kissed her neck, all the way up to her ear as she twirled the rose in her fingers. I gently nibbled on her skin and ran my hand across the top of her chest, just along the hem of her dress. She hummed and the rose fell from her hands to the ground. Her head fell back against me as her eyes fluttered closed.

She placed her hand over mine and guided it down, dipping them into her dress and across her chest. I sucked in a quick breath when I felt her bare skin below my fingers, puckered and swollen at my touch.

"I want you to touch me," she whispered. She removed her hand from her dress and slinked it up around my neck before grasping my hair and pulling my face to hers. I continued massaging her breast as her lips crashed roughly against mine, searching out every feeling and desire between us.

I mumbled a growl and my free hand quickly found its place on her thigh, rubbing the fabric against her skin. I pulled it up farther and farther until I felt her bare leg beneath my fingers. I reached higher until I reached the soft silk of her underwear. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if this is what she wanted. She answered me by pushing her hips forward to meet my hand, striving for the friction she so desperately wanted.

"Relax baby, I'll give you what you want..." I murmured against her lips. I dipped my fingers beneath the silk and pressed them against her. I couldn't help but rock my hips against her back as my fingers worked, slipping in and out of her with quick precision. She moaned into my mouth and moved her hips in sync with me, forcing my fingers deeper inside of her. I almost lost it, just thinking about what it would feel like to really be inside of her. My dick was so hard; it was more than uncomfortable trapped inside my pants. Every time I pressed myself against her, a shock ran though my entire body and left me shaking like a fucking live wire.

My hand left her for a moment as I reached for her leg and lifted it up. I rested her foot on the lower shelf of the table in front of us and brought my hand back to the place I was; inside her. I held her close to me as I felt her knees start to buckle beneath us.

"Come on," I whispered. "I know you're almost there." I twisted my fingers inside her and curled them back, stroking her harder than before.

She moaned quietly as her thighs clenched tightly together, trapping my hand between them.

"That's it." I pulled my fingers out slightly and gently pinched her skin as she crashed into her release. Her shoulders were heaving up and down as she melted back into me. "Good girl." I pressed my lips to her shoulder and whispered to her as she rode it out. I realized that her dress had fallen down in the front, completely exposing her breast to me. I carefully walked around to stand in front of her, leaned down and gently kissed her breast before pulling the dress back up over her.

"Thanks," she said breathlessly. Her eyes were hazy and calm, almost like she'd just woken up from the most satisfying nap she'd ever taken. "Where'd you learn to do that?" She asked.

"Unfortunately I've had a lot of practice." I shook my head and felt a little embarrassed.

"Not unfortunately." She pulled me close. "I've never gotten off like that before...well not with someone else."

"Well I'm glad I could be of service."

She wrapped her arms around me and I winced when she pressed a little too hard against my jeans. "Are you okay?" She asked, immediately stepping back.

"I'll be fine." I cleared my throat.

"Oh...oh!" She looked down at my jeans and shook her head. "I'm sorry...I didn't realize." She reached for the waistband of my pants and ran her finger along it. "Can I help you with that?" She cocked her eyebrow and smiled.

"No..."

"No? Why not?" She pulled back, looking hurt again. This is what I wanted to avoid. She thought I didn't want her.

"I just...Fuck!" I pulled at my hair and started pacing. "I'm scared okay?"

"You're scared to let me touch you?"

"Not like that. I just...I haven't had sex since I was the old me and I'm terrified that I'm going to turn into that horrible fuck of a person I was before you. I don't ever want to be him again Bella." I knew I probably sounded like a raving lunatic. It didn't make sense, but reverting back to my old ways was my worst fear now. I didn't care about myself or anyone else except her. And I knew the old me would hurt her.

"So you're never going to let me touch you is that it?" She crossed her arms in front of her.

"You're trusting me with your heart and mind Edward you'd think you would trust me with your body." She stepped towards me and bit down on her lip, allowing her eyes to drift everywhere but mine. "I just want to make you feel good." She sighed and turned around, walking off and leaving me alone in the greenhouse.

I stayed out there for a while after she left, thinking through some things. I felt like shit for making her feel that way, but she had to understand my reasons. I was completely reinventing myself and this whole good guy routine is new to me. I have to struggle with my demons every fucking day. The last thing I want is to give into them and expose all my cracks and weaknesses. I can't slip back into that hell I was living in. I know I won't survive it again. Now that I know what it's like to feel this way, it would suffocate me not to be around her.

I picked up the rose from the ground and turned off the lights before heading back upstairs. I went to her side first to apologize. I didn't want the night to end like this.

"Bella?" I knocked on her door and waited. No answer. Maybe she was genuinely pissed. I'd never met a woman who was mad that I wouldn't let her get me off. "Damn it Bella, open the door and talk to me. Please." I pounded again. I debated going in anyway, but that would just open a new can of worms. One thing I learned from my father was never walk in on a woman who wants to be alone. He'd slept on the couch enough for me to know that.

I leaned forward and pressed my forehead against the door. "Listen I'm sorry. I just need to be in control of myself and to be completely honest I'm never in control when I'm around you so I'm just going to have to deal with it. I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything and I appreciate the offer, but I just need to...go...slow." Those words felt foreign to my lips as I spoke them. I was usually the one begging a girl to let her guard down, but now I was the one not wanting to rush things. "Anyway, I'm sorry...again. I'll see you in the morning."

I took the rose with me, deciding to give it to her in the morning. I stumbled across the stairs and to my room. When I opened the door I set the rose on the table and shrugged out of my shirt. I hung it on my closet door and took off my pants. My dick had all but deflated after that little episode so I decided to go right to bed.

"I was wondering when you were coming to bed," Bella said, popping up from the bed.

"Jesus!" I gasped. "I thought you were in your room." Wonderful. I just apologized to an empty room.

"Why would I be in my room?"

"Because I thought you were mad at me."

She crawled to the edge of the bed and reached for me. "I'm not mad at you." She fell back on to the bed and pulled me with her. "I'm a little frustrated I guess, but I'm not mad. I get it." She kissed my chest. "But how many times do I have to tell you baby...That person you used to be?" She took my face in her hands and forced me to look at her. "You're not him."

A/N: Thank you for reading! Just a few announcements:

-Secret Life is nominated up against some pretty tough competition as the Fic of the Week at The Lemonade Stand. I'd appreciate it if you could take two seconds and go vote for it and your other favorites. I've included the link in my profile. It's pretty far behind right now but every vote makes a difference and I'd really love for more people to read that story.

-Along those lines, Secret Life is now finished. Thank you to everyone who has supported that story and shared all of your experiences with me. It's been an honor to hear them.

-SparklingWand has interviewed me for one of her Author Spotlights, but the date of my posting has changed so I'll let you know more about that as soon as I know.

-If there are any Mortal Instruments fans out there, I was asked to do a review of City of Ashes and City of Glass for FicTalk. I'll let you know when those post so you can go check them out.